Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Dr. Phil,

Before I met my husband I dated a man for 4 years, during that relationship we became involved in a Swingers Club.  At one point we became board members and were nominated and voted in as the presidents of the club.  We held office for one year, were active board members for a total of 3 years. 

I came out of that experience very changed.  I thought that if we did this type of behavior that it would keep my partner from cheating and bring excitement into our relationship.  If handled honestly and respectfully it would "better" or make stronger our commitment to each other.  Boy, was I misguided...! 

The lifestyle sales pitch is what I started calling my initial thoughts.  That is how we recruited new members into this club.  After all the club is a private business.  It NEEDS to be profitable somehow to exist.  The club that I belonged to is one of the oldest clubs in the country.  It started in 1969 and is still in operation under a charter.  I found the history to be very interesting.  Most of my happy memories were with the old-timers and not having sex, but listening to their stories and urban legends at the annually camp-out held every summer.

Swingers are cheaters.  I found more unhealthy relationships and more unhappy couples than I could ever imagine.  This "ULTRA" open environment was false.  There were many couples that were doing this under the same pressured that your guest communicated.  It was sad.  Swingers get jealous and fight openly often.  It was not s good place to stay for any amount of time.  I am glad that I learned this lesson before I met my husband.  I would not take that jump with my husband ever under any circumstances. 

There is a place for "wild" behavior and experimentation.....  that is college and single life.  Marriage is a working relationship, built on trust and commitment.  I do not believe lifestyle couples that tell you "it works for them".  As a very active member of the Lifestyle for several years....  I can't tell you one couple that I admired their relationship.  I left that group of friends feeling very sorry and disappointed in all of them. 

Great show..  You tried to show both the good and the bad.  It is difficult to find good in that environment.  Good is a tentative place in the lifestyle.

Cheers,

Jeenias

My husband and I have been swinging going on 5 years.

My family is aware of it as are my grown adult children, even my MOTHER.

I think what shocked my mother (think old school'what would the neighbors think?)

So I went to a popular swing site, typed in my zip code, put in a 50 mile radius and viola, up popped over 500 couples......there mom, that's what my neighbors think.

She was aghast of course that so many people were swinging, not that my husband and I swing.

The thing about swinging is, there must be 110% agreement between the couple if they are wanting to try this.

They must be 2000% committed to their MARRIAGE.

They must set clear and unbreakable RULES for swinging, any violation of the rules and the swinging ends or the marriage will.

Protect yourself at all times, from pregnancy, disease, weirdos.

Never go with strangers, always get to know the people first (phone, internet, safe place to meet for the 1st time)

Swinging has not harmed our marriage whatsoever. We've had 3 somes (MFM and FMF as well as couples MF/MF)

If swinging has done anything to our marriage it has strengthened it, we have more trust for each other, our sex life..........well......just RULES!

We are open with each other, no secrets, no lying, the trust is amazing!! If both of us don't agree to a situation 110%.......we leave, simple as that.

Nobody can enter our marriage, they may enter our bed but not our marriage. We are a team and will remain until death do us part.

Swinging is absolutely NOT for everyone.

No partner should feel threatened, forced, or guilted into doing anything they do not want to do!

The couple coming on the show where the wife doesnt want to do it but feels pressure from her husband and is scared he'll leave if she doesn't go along with him.......

Face it, there are much deeper problems than just if his 'needs' or 'wants' aren't met or she doesnt do what HE wants to do.

Some people are not into swinging nor ever will be. It isn't right for everyone. (though the numbers are so high that fact has room for argument!)

One thing swinging has given us is a much deeper understanding of each other, has enhanced a very wonderful sex life too.

Mind you, this isn't an everyday thing or we spend time cruising, we're part timers......if we find a nice couple fine, if not, fine too.

Its been a year since we swung but we move across country and have been busy....if the mood strikes we'll search for like minded adults and see where it goes......our lives are not consumed by swinging, only positively enhanced  our marriage, IN and OUT of the bedroom.

I never used to believe in the swingers lifestyle until one day I tried it. What I do now is no ones business but mine. If Im not making it public then who are other people to judge. Im not setting a bad example for my kids. THEY DO NOT SEE IT AT ALL!!!!! I do not do anything in front of them. I am a single parent and am entitled to have a little adult time no matter what it maybe. The way I look at it is "Dont knock it until you try it".  You only live once so why not enjoy yourself in the meantime.

--enjoying lifes pleasures