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Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

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kristiesmokie

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January 25, 2008, 5:31 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

I think if she does not want to do it he should not ask her to do it. She needs to kick him to the curb asap. She will feel better about herself I know some people like to do it but each to thier own. But they don't have to force it on someone they say they are in love with.

Charlotte from Fl.

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cherie1955

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January 25, 2008, 5:32 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: mizdixiechic

FYI we are not freaks! Swingers or people in the Lifestyle are normal people who just want to spice up their sex lives and last time i checked only God can judge a person and decide if they would be going to hell or not. Also in my opinion it is not a sin if both parties inthe relationship are agreed upon what is going on.

Happily married swinger from the south

WOW...what bible do you read? And I rather doubt God cares about your opinion on sin. LOL!

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gyvonne321

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January 25, 2008, 5:34 pm PST

Secrets in the suburbs

I have no problem with consenting adults doing what they choose to do as long as they do not hurt any third parties whatever age,race creed or sexual origin. I have a major problem with someone who badgers their partner whether husband or wife into doing something that they do not want to do, that makes them feel dirty and violated. I watched tonight's show and was appalled. He basically, in my opinion forced her to be raped and did not care. Hey ,she will get used to it. Right I don't think so. I really wonder about him. He watched his wife getting raped and did not care. All of her reactions were of a rape victim, scrubbing herself, rigid, crying probably vomiting. This was a control issue, You do what I say you do, want what I want or I will leave you. She has low self esteem and even as she tried to fight against it she capitulated, because of her low self esteem, her fear of being alone, her fear of another failed marriage. He sucks, he is just another bully. Frankly she really should kick him to the curb and work toward knowing that she is a good woman, can be a stong woman, that she is worthy of being loved and cared for, for who she is and not what someone wants to force her to become, so he can get his rocks off.

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cherie1955

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January 25, 2008, 5:35 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: judypa3888

I have worked with swingers, and they are unhappy people. There are a few I know ended up divorce. Any time I see a man willing to give his wife to another man for sex, he is a man that doesn't care much for his woman.

What makes me mad about these situations are, the people involved, they bring their unhappiness's to work and insecurites, and take it out on people around them at work. They accuse others of doing or wanting to do what they do, they are just afraid to admit it. Women that enjoy this behavior, are on power trips, and they are bullies. These women accuse other women at work of pretending to be nice impling they are not or they condemn them. It's their bully attitudes that infuriate me.

The woman who wrote the book about the south, is an example of that. She wants to defile others and make sure they are not above her level. Yes there is swinging in the south, so whats your point. Your a bully looking to degrade anyone that might look better than you. There are a lot of people who don;t swing in the south and there are a lot of people who don't swing in the north. Instead of defending your swinging status by trying to drag others in or down, why don't you just keep it to yourself and get it through your head nobody cares what you are doing or what you have got to say if they have a brain in their head. Most people don't care, as long as you don't bother them with it.

Right-on! Paleeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzeeeee...keep it a secret.

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rubicon05

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January 25, 2008, 5:36 pm PST

Judgement in the Suburbs

Quote From: raymom5

You cannot be madly in love. People madly in love DO NOT do this. What are you thinking. You cannot possibly compare your marriage with mine. I have been married to the same man for 23 years and have five children. You should not even think that you can be in the same category as us. How dare you offend me like that!

What are you thinking? What gives you the right to judge the happiness of another person! That is one great thing about swingers...we accept your life choices. You do not hear me saying that you are not as happy as I am just because you do not enjoy the same sexual experiences that I do! Your way is not the only way to be happy!

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bettybo

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January 25, 2008, 5:36 pm PST

If I didn't know better

Quote From: heartgram

I have been studying this "swinging" trend for many months now and from that research I have concluded that the human race is disgusting! It is amazing how as a species we are attempting to commoditise ourselves and make ourselves available to people that we don't even know. I'm not religious but still this seems wrong! I'm very scared by the seemingly great numbers of people that are doing this and there seems to be no end to it in sight. Even with rises in Aids and other STD's people are still participating in this behavior. For those who claim swinging is liberating I have to ask you this, how is it liberating that you are basically for all intents and purposes a free prostitute? What the heck do you get out this? Heck, at least prostitutes get paid for having sex with a stranger! How people are allowing themselves to be sex commodities and making it ok in their minds is really perplexing. What is really disturbing to me is how as a society we are making this okay, even going as far as to make it trendy or cool. I'm sure if pedophilia got the same kind of treatment swinging is getting we as a society would believe it is acceptable behavior in spite of the fact it violates human rights. Well swinging violates basic human rights. The people with whom you are swinging with have no responsibility to you so if you get pregnant or get aids they are not obliged to care. How is this different than prostitution? Oh that's right I forgot YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING PAID!!!!! Every day that passes by it seems the world is turning into the dystopia as described in the book "Brave New World". The dissolution of monogamy and the commoditising of sex is well on its way! I'm revolted each and every day because I see it coming. In fact because of this "secret swinging society" I have not dated since you simply can't trust women or men anymore. I mean what happens if 2 years into a relationship my partner says she wants to live the "lifestyle" and I disagree! Um can you say awkward! Its amazing to me how many religious people are doing this. I guess they have not read the BIBLE very well. Just more evidence of Hypocracy. I'm as atheist as they come and still I think this behavior is just sick. I have little to no hope for relationships and do believe this swinging trend will continue to grow in popularity until there is no such thing as monogamy, or even polyfidelity, and sex will be like the way it is described in Brave New World, just an emotionless act everyone has with everyone in order to satisfy a craving. This is all just more evidence for why the human race needs to be extinct and I sincerely hope either global warming or terrorism takes care of that!!!
And just so everyone doesn't think I'm so old prude saying this, I'm a 22 year old college student, and not some 80 year old ranting about how the world is going to heck in a handbasket (even though it is).
Thank you!

If I didn't know better I would think it was my son writing this. You have such insight for one so young! I am some old 70 year old (not totally prude) who agrees with you. In fact, I have said, that if not for religion, we humans would not be monogamous. However, I feel that some people fall in love with another person and never even think of being unfaithful. I'm not sure we all need to be extinct, there is still good in most of us and that is a fact. But we have come a long way in our thinking since the fifties.

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mzsuzyq2u

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January 25, 2008, 5:37 pm PST

mzsuzyq2u

Quote From: jeenias

Dr. Phil,

Before I met my husband I dated a man for 4 years, during that relationship we became involved in a Swingers Club. At one point we became board members and were nominated and voted in as the presidents of the club. We held office for one year, were active board members for a total of 3 years.

I came out of that experience very changed. I thought that if we did this type of behavior that it would keep my partner from cheating and bring excitement into our relationship. If handled honestly and respectfully it would "better" or make stronger our commitment to each other. Boy, was I misguided...!

The lifestyle sales pitch is what I started calling my initial thoughts. That is how we recruited new members into this club. After all the club is a private business. It NEEDS to be profitable somehow to exist. The club that I belonged to is one of the oldest clubs in the country. It started in 1969 and is still in operation under a charter. I found the history to be very interesting. Most of my happy memories were with the old-timers and not having sex, but listening to their stories and urban legends at the annually camp-out held every summer.

Swingers are cheaters. I found more unhealthy relationships and more unhappy couples than I could ever imagine. This "ULTRA" open environment was false. There were many couples that were doing this under the same pressured that your guest communicated. It was sad. Swingers get jealous and fight openly often. It was not s good place to stay for any amount of time. I am glad that I learned this lesson before I met my husband. I would not take that jump with my husband ever under any circumstances.

There is a place for "wild" behavior and experimentation..... that is college and single life. Marriage is a working relationship, built on trust and commitment. I do not believe lifestyle couples that tell you "it works for them". As a very active member of the Lifestyle for several years.... I can't tell you one couple that I admired their relationship. I left that group of friends feeling very sorry and disappointed in all of them.

Great show.. You tried to show both the good and the bad. It is difficult to find good in that environment. Good is a tentative place in the lifestyle.

Cheers,

Jeenias

And to think all this time I thought you were the President of the Hair Club!

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julie1418

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January 25, 2008, 5:38 pm PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: tracy1242

I love how all the swingers say they completely "trust" their spouses. LOL!!! That isn't trust that is simply not caring.

Your spouse does not care that you want to screw someone else and you don't care that your spouse wants to screw someone else. You don't care a whole lot about each other.

Please...If you are a swinger and have been so for a long time and your spouse has turned very sick, handicapped, and needs your help to (get out of bed, wipe their hiny etc) speak up now.

I want to know how many swingers really grow old together. You guys aren't going to stick it out and be there in the golden years still swinging or even talking about your escapades while you swing the only way you can on a porch swing.

Where are all the swingers who are old? They are divorced, not with that person anymore. I don't think you guys who do this in your marriages love each other enough to be the person who is wiping the other's bottom when/if the time comes you have to do t hat. You don't care for each other that way.

There was a woman who used to post on these boards quite frequently. She and her husband were swingers. She had MAJOR medical problems and now has a ostomy bag along with other health issues. She and her husband were still together and happy, in love, with a great sex life. She shared in intimate detail how caring and supportive her husband was when she was initially insecure about him seeing her with...well, a bag of poop attached to her all the time.

Although I do see the potential for problems in these relationships, I think these generalizations are inaccurate and unfair. The divorce rate is over 50%...we can hardly blame that on swinging. I don't think you can accurately judge how in love or committed other people are in their marriages based solely on this issue.

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phasson

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January 25, 2008, 5:39 pm PST

Secrets in the suburbs

This is so wrong and animalistic. My first marriage lasted 11 1/2 years with a person who was bipolar and I knew of 10 different affairs he had plus was physical and sexually abuse and forced to do sexual activities that has caused problems in future marriages and relationships. I strongly believe in the vows taken and the commitment I made and so I felt I had to stay and do everything I could, endure the abuse to try to make the marriage work. It ended in him leaving me permanently for another women. The second marriage lasted 7 years but ended when I found out he was cheating on me and was bisexual. Then I had a three year relationship with someone 14 years younger then me and he left after getting a married women pregnant. My last marriage was for 6 1/2 years and he sought other women wanting them to go ride on our motorcycle and that one ended when I walked in on him and he was pulling his pants up and she was hiding in our bedroom. I was told to get out and that I had to leave. The most devestating thing that has happened to me is that I have lost myself and I don't even know who Patty is anymore or what Patty likes. I got married when I was 18 and seem to be attracted to losers. I have been divorced for nearly 5 years now and still I'm trying to discover who I was meant to be. This women on your show tonight has had her whole being destroyed by this pervert. To me he has a very hard and long road to go in regaining her trust and building her self-esteem, her confidence and her inner most feelings about herself back to a happy, beatiful, lively person. I did go to a counselor for a little while and he gave me a book called "Wild at Heart" to try to understand why all my relationships ended with them seeking other women. I helped somewhat but doesn't really take away the pain and hurt and scares that it leave you.

We all would like to have someone to share our lives with, our interests, and love us for better or for worse especially at we get into those later years of our lives but like you said tonight - I would rather be healthy and happy alone, then be sick, unhappy, stepped on and kick around in a relationship that slowly distroys the very person God had created. I hope and pray the opportunities you will be offering this couple will be taken seriously and that they will find a way to rebuild their marriage and regain their trust and respect for each other.

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toniecw

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January 25, 2008, 5:39 pm PST

Another uptight viewer*

Quote From: eguiguren

I heard a phrase one day:

"The only perversion with sex is not doing it".

Ja, ja, in that case I'm most definitively not a pervert.

I also think that if a couple decides to talk about their sex lives with the children, it's their decision. All this mistery with sex makes children more curious and might send the wrong message... that sex is not a topic your parents want to talk about. If you are open they might see it as a normal human activity that takes place also in their parents bedroom.

People in this Board is so uptight...

I personally love ,love-making instead of sex.

There is in my opinion, a large difference between sex and love making.

One can only make love when they are equally in love with each other.

Besides most people aren't even aware of the difference between the two styles of contact.

Sex is to me no different than what the dogs do out in the fields for us all to view, quite openly...

Nothing special, just another box to release into..."who was that mask man" kind of thing.

Love making is the totality of God's Creational purpose for intimacy...

The blending of each other's energies into a unified explosion that builds each other's energies, rather than detracts and separates it into a feeding singularly each others energies only.

What am I talking about?

I am a talking about Tantric Love Making...

I believe that those that don't know that this form of love making that God had in mind for us all when He gifted us with love making as a form of release of stress, and a strengthening of our bonding energies...

Something like, I share my energy with you as I welcome your energy into my being as well, at the same time...at the moment of orgasmic release.

I have only experienced this form of blending once in my life.

It wasn't a full blending, for the guy that I had been romantically involved with over 8 years, wanting me to shut up perhaps, said that he was a following my lead and lied.

So how did I end up after this tantric experience of mine? I ended up loving him more than less, and accepting his selfish ways for years more to come.

So if one is in a bad relationship that doesn't feed mutually each other. Please don't attempt this form of union, for it will end such as my case....me a hanging in there a lot longer than what was necessary.

I do plan on attempting this format of Divine closeness, yet not with just anyone. When Mr. Right happens along...and he is open enough to experiment with what I believe was God's purpose and plan for intimacy.

I also believe that until couples understand what true intimacy is, the need to find yourself in other persons arms other than your spouse or mate, will never end...

The discovering of the God contained within your spouse and mate, puts down the need to find excitement in the arms of others...

Tantric Sex

The God in me and the God in you, a meeting and a pushed through our chakra system= renewal, regeneration...

Also please remember, if your spouse or mate have a drinking problem...the sharing of the same energy space, might make you want to start a drinking...so be careful...hahahehe...

That is what I believe is meant by the expression...during the marital vows of a becoming one.

Now about the son being allowed into the discussion of dad wanting a three some and mom a not....

Oh please! Are you not aware that fathers role model how to be in the world to their sons, and daughters learn what to accept from the males in their future lives...as they eventually, (even if they don't like all that daddy is about while growing up) grow up and choose men that resemble daddy.

Hmmm...taking all that in.

So son grows up and gets married and marries a woman that is into the swinging life and then boom, bang, pattern repeats itself...you have grandchildren that you believe are your own...yet don't know for sure without DNA testing...and they copy the same patterns of their parents, and grandparents...and so forth and so on...

Could this possibly explain the Biblical passage, "the sins of the parents will fall down upon the children for six generations."

Sins are to me. choices that we make...that take our children (gifts from God) down the wrong passageway of life that in turns influences the lives of all that spring forth from our children for six generations.

Just my thoughts,

Remember I am a Ordained Spiritual Minister, so even though I can allow all others to do and be in the world as they seem fit to do...I still for the benefit of those that know and love me, have to give them my best foot forward in the way of advice and thinking processes. What everyone does with the information I present is totally up to the one wanting, needing, or reading the thought impressions.

For it is a world of, "different strokes, for different folks...

That is why you will see me write, "please take what you need and do please leave the rest."

Love, Light and Peace

We Are All Blessed

Tonie

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