I am 52 and my now ex-fiance is 54. He expressed interest in exploring the Lifestyle after we had been together for only a few months. He explained that he had no idea that Swinging existed until he saw a show on it by Oprah several years prior to our relationship. I too had seen the program and while I found the concept interesting because it was so different, I was not at all intrigued to the point of wanting to explore it further. I viewed it as just something that was way beyond anything I would ever want to do and didn't really give it any further thought. He, on the other hand said that ever since seeing the segment on swinging, continued to be very interested in it over the years and had always wanted to find that right person in his life who would also want to explore it.
Initially I responded calmly and tried to understand his curiosity. He said that he had led a very conservative life growing up, married for almost 20 years (divorced for 10 years when we met), father of 3, well respected member of his community, church going, etc...and the fact the couple interviewed on Oprah's show seemed very similar (however they were not divorced) as well as "church going" too, made the idea of swinging "okay" in his mind. We talked more about what he was interested in regarding Swing. He said (and still insists) that his "only" interest was to watch another man make love to me. He has always been adamant that he wouldn't let anything happen to me, he would be right there, he claims he is not interested in "playing" with other women and never would be...he says that he is excited with the idea that he could watch another man have sex with me, cum inside me and then at some point he (my ex) would "take over" and make love to me.
I was honest and told him that I have never wanted to make love to another man in front of anyone and when I was "in love" with someone, I only wanted to make love to that person. I have never had hidden desires to go outside of a romantic relationship. So the concept of swinging just didn't make sense to me; I truly had a hard time understanding it. The more we talked about it, the more I started to feel sick to my stomach about it; he had created a "profile" on one of the swinger websites. I knew that it just wasn't something that I could do or would ever want to do. I told him at that time, if it was something he needed to do then he should. I would understand, but that I couldn't be in his life. He quickly said that it was only a "curiosity," not something that he needed and certainly not something that he wanted to lose me over. So I thought that was the end of it--I wanted it to be over--I wanted to believe him and continue with the relationship. He also agreed to terminate the swinger website membership.
All of that happened by the second month of dating. After about 6 months, we were engaged to be married the following year in early summer. Sometime soon after our engagement I discovered that he still had the membership. He is the one who told me, but only did so because another member of the same website figured out who my ex really was and warned him that someone in his public position could be at high risk if the wrong people found out that he was interested in swing. Because he basically lied to me about terminating the membership... yes, I should have ended it then. I've always held that the lies were the wrong in our relationship...not that he wanted to swing. Even though it was not my interest, that didn't make him wrong for his interest. He claimed he "thought" that he had ended the membership. It was a mistake. He was sorry; it was now terminated.
A month before we were to be married, I discovered that he had joined the swinger website again. A week before I made the discovery, he casually mentioned that he just couldn't get the idea of swinging out of his mind. I asked if he had joined the website again or explored it in another way and he insisted that he had not.
But he had...he was communicating to others on the website and I read many of his messages. He had profiled himself as single, living with a friend (me!) but would soon be purchasing his own place. He had posted a picture of his penis on his profile. I was shocked....crushed, hurt, humiliated, felt betrayed and used... He had just moved into what was going to be our home a month prior to this discovery. He was furious that I had even looked at his computer, which I had NEVER even thought of doing before. But when he mentioned a week before that he just couldn't get the idea of swing out of his mind--then I wasn't able to get that comment out of mine. It was over.
I realize now that, even if I had remotely entertained the idea of giving swing a try, we were not the right couple for it. I read a book called "The Lifestyle" and also read numerous postings on these message boards to know that in order for a couple to really be ready to swing they absolutely must be open, honest and completely trusting of one another--no hidden agenda--and both must be in absolute agreement about wanting to engage in swing. He and I did not meet these requirements.
I have tried as much as I am able to understand the lifestyle. It is simply not for everyone. But I know that it was not Swing that ended our relationship. It was the inability to be completely honest and truthful.
That is what I ultimately regret.
How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.
