Swingers on the board have all made a lot of effort to distinguish themselves from cheaters. It is being said here that true swingers do not force and do not cheat. If all swingers maintain a couples play only and not a single-third participant, it is easier to weed out a cheater. However, in my view you are really just trying to be good people, not good swingers.
You are right we are trying to be good people. I have been watching Dr Phil since he was on Oprah and I have seen him do 5 or 6 shows on swingers so I knew before I watched it that it would be a slanted *I can get you help for that* show. it is what he does, and I knew that this message board would rail against the evil swingers. I knew from the write-up that I would say *this guy is an ass and want to and she does not want to so they should not*
I have been on the board for each of the swinger shows not to defend or justify swinging, it is a dangerous game that we play, no doubt about that. It is adult play, thats all it is. It is a dangerous game that my wife and I and somewhere between 4 and 8 million others play. When it works it is fun and exciting, when it doesn't work it can really be some crash and burn times. Same can be said for race car driving, something I used to be involved with and that is another dangerous game that most people should not play.
Most of true swingers I know and I know a lot of them try to play by the basic rules of *NO MEANS NO* and you do not play with 1/2 of a couple. True swingers for the most part do not want hassles of having screwed up some other couples life. Most of the time at least for us we have known our playmates for at least a few months and have been out to dinner with them a couple of times before anything sexual happens, We do not play on the first date so to speak. Thats how we play, I am not justifying what we do just telling you how we do it and the rules we play by.
I believe there are swingers who do not meet the criteria you are careful to outline. My friend's ex-fiancee wanted to swing and encouraged her to try. They hadn't discussed swinging early in the relationship because neither of them had thought of it or been exposed to it. Three years into the relationship he met some swinger couples and was intrigued. He posed the idea to her; she tried; it wasn't for her. You say he was a cheater. Yes, he did cheat, but not before it was clear things would not work out as a swinging couple. He soon met a swinger, co-incidentally in a place of business, and was attracted to her; he shortly broke off the relationship with his fiancee. He is still with his swinger partner and he is not cheating; he is swinging. They are getting married. I guess now I will hear that he didn't love the other woman and it would have broke off anyway. This might be true or it might be false.
Sorry I thought you said *he met a woman had some chemistry and secretly dated her* that I took as cheating, if I misunderstood the events my bad.
The point is, you cannot make the distinction that he is not a real swinger. You cannot claim that swingers are only real swingers when they are honest, fair and good and never cheat. I hear you saying that you do try to weed out the cheaters; yet I think many people cheat until they find a way to swing full-time. The process of getting there can and does ruin marriages. Would you say it's best to get it over with and be happy if swinging is what you want to do? I feel like swingers deny that this happens, that cheaters don't become full-time swingers, and that their lifestyle is so unique that many people get hurt by exploring it, than do couples decide together to try it. Now I'll be hearing, oh, yes, this happens rarely. Can swingers be sure that many relationships would have been saved and go on to be a happy and well-adjusted couple if swinging was not an option. It didn't used to be so easy and people did have to try to work on their needs and issues.
I can really only answer for us. We were married for 13 years before we started swinging and we started as a couple neither of us cheated before we started. We went into this with the understanding that whatever happened we would be a couple afterwords. We started with adding another male because that was my wife's fantasy, to be caressed by two males. It worked for her and it worked for me. If she had had an affair with a guy I would have been crushed, but we talked about her desires and lived them out as a couple.
I don't know exactly what you meant in your question but I think this is the answer. I don't think ANY marriage can be saved by swinging, swinging should not be started if you are trying to save a marriage. if your marriage needs saving go see a professional. DO NOT SWING.
Further, swingers are always staking a claim to better communication because you talk about everything, likes and dislikes. Don't you think there is room for misconception there? If the interest in swinging is keeping someone from being fully open and honest, then the communication isn't there, correct, until you find someone who wants to swing and be open with you. However, this does not mean that couples who do not swing and do not have an interest in swinging, don't communicate well and don't talk about everything. I think this is way off base; certainly more couples today than in the last few decades are open about their likes and dislikes and are wiling to try all types of techniques and styles between themselves. Just because they don't need an extra couples involved does not minimize their relationship or communication.
I don't think swingers have a corner on communication skills, but in order to make swinging work you have to be open and honest and if the desire of your partner is within your own limits why not do it with them. We talked about adding other people as fantasy for years before we did it, it was the best way for me to turn on my wife. We still do it, it is part of our foreplay.
Swingers should really stop trying to corner the market on communication, and better everything. It does sound like an ad even if you say it is not, and for many it does serve as an ad. No doubt many people reading the board are convinced it sounds interesting and is worth a try. One blogger has said as much. If swingers do not want to be thought of as advertising, then why continue to say swinging is better: communication, trust, interest, bonding....name anything a couple could have and it seems the swinger says it is better by swinging...and by the way here's a website you can go to for more information.
As far as better, I think for our life and our marriage it is better. I more clearly see my wife as a desirable, sexy woman because I can see it reflected in the eyes of others. We started dating when I was 16 and she was 14 and I can still close my eyes and see her at that age and she was hot. She tells me I don't see her as the grandmother that she is, I see her as the girl I started dating, sometimes I do. Seeing desire for her in someone else's eyes does not cause me jealousy it inflames my desire. Is that better, for us it is.
I did not post any links, I could I am on a number of national and local boards, I thought that was wrong when I read it. They are easy enough for someone to find if they are interested.
I think the problem here is swinging is preferred by a certain personality type and mindset which is more of a different group as opposed to a better group. Again, I am saying that if a swinger wants to swing, it is probably true that communication, etc., is better for them once they are into swinging. However, don't put that problem on everyone. Your way of conducting a relationship is different but not better. And some couples are brought closer together and their stress and marital problems minimized just reading about swinging and feeling grateful they do not. If you don't want to be criticized, I agree with that, but as the saying goes, do get off your high horse.... No offense intended. Swinger couples want to swing, and this makes your life better when you do, but it's not for everyone. On that, I believe we all agree.
I really did not mean to sound like I was on a high horse, but you must admit that with the amount of mud being tossed at swingers (read the first dozen pages of this board) it is hard to get out that it works for us and we don't have the issues brought up on the show.
Many swingers on the board have exhibited a high level of responsibility and integrity; not all. I would rather not see society move in the direction of multi-sex partners and couples, but that's because I see the value in keeping it between two. The history of sex is quite full of changes in how sex is viewed and what is accepted. Why? Sexual expression will always change because people change their thoughts. I imagine swingers would say that if everyone could swing we'd have world peace, but this is also limited thinking and not something that is best. Before the show, it surely was not on my mind...but we were invited to discuss it on the board. Some have brought up very valid points about extreme religious restrictions. I hope swingers can agree that swinging isn't any more pure or removed from fault than anything else...
No I figure world peace should be left to beauty contestants, swinging is just a game played by consenting adults in private, no more no less.
How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.
