Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

So, if this is the way swingers are, I want nothing to do with the scenario. Control and manipulation seems to abound in this type of lifestyle.

Wow, that statement is very off target.  In fact, the Ladies are held up and treated with teh utmost respect by the comunity.  This guy sounds like a controler and would explain why he is married.  Single men are not swingers.  Couples are.  Please do not confuse a single man wanting to have wild group sex with many girls as a true swinger.  Swingers are couples that respect each otehr and the others around them.

I think everyone is getting confused on what swingers consider swingers.  Everyone is lumping everyone into the catagory as swingers.  Unless you have attend a party or you have tried the lifestyle, you simply can not unduerstand who we are or why we do what we do, please don't try.  All we ask is for you to leave us alone and not judge us.  We are not bad parents, we are not mollesters or wife beaters.  Everything we do is with consent from adults.

"What gets me is how many people on here are trying to claim having a open marriage is great and how they are more likly to be a better couple, get over it, if you were really happy in your marriage you wouldn't need other people to SPICE it up."

No, what some people are saying is that swinging has improved their marriage, made it better than it was. You have no way to judge the happiness of others.

"I have a very active sex life, we don't need toys, movies, or other people to help with that. We are very much in love with each other, and we don't need add ins. Honestly I don't know what comes in to minds that says lets do this and its actaully fun for them (I don't think swingers would be swingers if it wasn't truly fun for you guys). Maybe its cause me and my husband still have a great need to touch each other, and we don't have a need to touch others, isn't that why people get married you found your one and only someone."

Good for you. I'm glad you're happy, and you have an active sex life. With all due respect, if straight missionary with the lights off is what does it for you, more power to you. Doesn't make you any better or any worse than people who watch movies, use sex toys, or swing with other people - just makes you different. 

People get married for many reasons. You don't get to decide for them what those reasons are or should be.

"I just don't get it, and I don't have to get it either I do think its unhealthy, big part to do with STD's another is hurting little children (that may find out about this). Children are already dealing with so much hardship cause of the world we live in that the home should be a haven from insane things. I honestly don't agree with divorce if you have children cause that rips there lives up. I don't understand why children are put first in adult choice making. When you have no children then do as you please, but when you have children you need to step back and really think about this, is your need more important then your childs needs? We live in a world of very selfish people, its about ME ME ME, no its not about me, its about EVERYONE, and we have lost that, and that is the down fall of the world, just turn on the news and you will see it."

Most swingers are extremely aware of and careful to use precautions to avoid STDs. Little children aren't any more likely to find out about their parents swinging than they are likely to see their parents having sex with each other - a careful and concerned parent does their best to make sure the kids aren't witnesses to any part of their sex lives. As far as children coming first - sure, within reason. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to raise a child who felt that his needs outweighed mine, or that he was entitled and privileged to get what he wanted at the expense of others. The reason children are not always put first in adult choice making is because sometimes, it's not about the children - and the adults making the choices determine that.

"And maybe its parents faults, my mother says she has spoiled my two older sisters so much and they really do view life as what can be done for me, what can I get next. I lived in hell I will not put my child through that. He will have a calm house with no fight, he has parents that put him first above themselves. Me and my husband both came from not such great homes and we both agree that if we want a happy, healthy, succeful child that these is what has to be done."

It's good that you and your husband agree on how you want to live your lives and raise your children. Personally, I think it's important that children learn that their parents can have disagreements and still love each other, and I would never be a martyr for my children. But, good luck to you in your choices.

 "But i'm done with the message board topic, it really does anger me at what alot say here, to many people on both sides are very rude but this isn't a easy topic its a very hot topic. I will teach my child that this behavior is wrong, that sex with anyone isn't right, you should love the person you are going to sleep with cause at any change you can make a baby with that person and your lifes with be connected forever after that, you don't want that to happen to some girl you met in a bar. I would feel like dirt if I just opened my legs to anyone, lucky I never had that guilt or shame. My husband is the only man I have ever been with and will be the only man I am ever with. "

The point is, you have the right to make your choices, I have the right to make my choices. I hope your choices work out exactly the way you want them to.

I personally know this couple(not intimately) and I have never seen a man look more lovingly at his wife.  He gazes at her when she leaves his side to hit the restroom and his face lights up when she returns.  Hell, I know couples that don't have that after 2 years of marriage.

I am curious as to all you "Christians" and your belief that this is all moral.  What do you think about the religions that inlcude and encourage multiple marriages?  Is that not a type of swinging/cheating?  Or is it different because it is "legal"?  Oh wait, it is done in the name of God, so it must be right. 

Here is all of you a link to view....   http://www.sexinchrist.com/index.html

Quit hating on swingers, the real ones anyway.  The people portrayed on the show were not true swingers in our book.

Faithfulness vs. “The Lifestyle”

It is obvious people in the “lifestyle” of “swinging” think they are having it all. They believe they are “open minded” and “sexually positive” because they have “fun sex” with people other than their spouse or partner. Sex is the intimate bonding between two people, and those in the “lifestyle” see it as recreation to participate in with others.

Some years back, a middle aged woman Realtor who recently married a popular Realtor in my area was canvassing my neighborhood. I had heard about their marriage through one of their advertisements and I told her how happy I was for them. As we talked, she stated that she and her husband had an awesome lifestyle, and I innocently said that my husband and I did also. She said, “You do?” When I did not respond with whatever she was looking for, she informed me that we were not on the same page. I realized that she was fishing for sex partners when I remembered the term “lifestyle” was used for “swinging”. Her name and picture is no longer part of his business so it looks like they divorced after a few short years.

Some people are so focused on sex it is like an addiction. Sex is important to a marriage, but a successful happy marriage is more than having sex. My husband and I are attractive 50 year olds and have been faithful to each other throughout our 28 year marriage and nearly 30 year relationship. Our marriage has been filled with great joy, but also the sadness and challenges that come with life. We took care of my mother for six months after she had a stroke while our children were still young. For the past year we have been weathering the storm of losing my husband’s dear mother and are watching his father go deeper into the world of Alzheimer’s. A big part of our lives is making sure Dad is well taken care of and we have found the perfect place for him. He does not recognize us when we visit him but the visits are pleasant, and after driving 50 miles to his care facility a few times a month it becomes our time together. We are looking forward to a retirement filled with travel around the United States as my husband’s parents did before Alzheimer’s ravaged Dad’s brain. What holds us together through the difficult times? It is our love and commitment to each other. Our faithfulness to each other comforts us through the difficult times and strengthens the passion in our marriage. There is no one on earth I would rather be with than my husband and we know that we are sexy- especially together. Our commitment, love and attraction for each other is very deep and we definitely have fun together. I think the sexiest thing about my husband is his sense of humor. My husband makes me feel complete and we are happy we belong only to each other. I thank God that all the romantic feelings I felt when I first met my husband still come rushing back after nearly 30 years. We have found that our place of refuge and comfort is with each other and we do not need or want anyone else in our relationship to keep us satisfied. I know I have the golden ticket and have tapped into the Mother Lode- my husband feels the same about me.

The “swingers” say their groups are safe, but there is still a risk of unwanted pregnancy since birth control does not always work. Also, what if the “health certificate” a new member presents is a fake?  We all have heard that condoms do not always work. STD’s like Herpes’s, and AID’s can bring permanent physical consequences if just one person comes into the group and is not “clean”, even if they say they are. The Human Papaloma Virus is linked to numerous sex partners and can cause cervical cancer and oral cancer so there is a cancer risk linked with promiscuity.

If children are in the home, they will feel there is something that is “just not right” in the family since children have a tendency to compare their family to others, especially teenagers. My husband and I have two adult children that admire the dynamic of our relationship. My 21 year old son has watched how friend’s parents treat each other and even ignore each other. He told me that he hopes to have a marriage as good and close as his dad and I have and I pray that my children have at least what we have when they marry, if not better. My 26 year old daughter recently thanked me for how I answered her question about what "sexy" meant when she was child. I told her that a sexy woman was strong and had a great sense of humor. Unfortunately, her friends asked their mothers the same question and were told that being sexy was all about having a “sexy attitude” and dressing provocatively to entice men.

To those who believe in God and are considering the “lifestyle”, ask yourself what God would think before you go down that road. Christians believe that God is the designer of marriage and marriage is representative of our relationship to God. I personally think God is examining how we treat our marriage partners to see how close we try to live by His example of Love, faithfulness, unity and intimacy. Sex was created by God to be more than just “sex” and can be a spiritual experience. Married couples take vows to be faithful to each other, forsaking all others. Sexually bonding to someone other than the spouse breaks the marriage vow. A link that I will not name here was sited in a previous post. It is filled with scriptures being pulled out of context and has misinterpreted God’s own words. If you are a Christian and read it don’t think God is agreeing with what the web site’s spin about Christian sexuality is. They take scriptures that actually mean obvious condemnation and destruction of the people, then distort them to be something positive about certain sexual acts they themselves describe. Do your own prayerful research for the truth in the scriptures because spiritual things are spiritually discerned.

Sexual freedom with “emotional monogamy” in the “lifestyle” does not make sense to those of us in a monogamous relationship. The thought of our life partner telling us they are sexually excited by someone else is disgusting to us. We do not desire or even have time for “social events” to meet sexual partners and would not find it exciting to have our partner see us having sex with someone else. We who are faithful to our partners are not missing out on anything because we have everything we need. Sexually exclusive couples believe that the intimate sexual connection between two people committed only to each other is beautiful and romantic. Sex is a special and precious gift. I bet the people in "the lifestyle" would never leave the pink slip to their car lying around at one of their "parties" for just anyone to pick up, so it looks like their pink slips are treated with more value than their spouses and marriage licenses. The “lifestyle” sounds emotionally lonely. Those in “the lifestyle” of lustful licentiousness will never understand or experience being fulfilled with the sweetness and strength of sexual exclusiveness in a life long marriage. We are all born with free choice of how to live our lives, but we will ultimately pay the price for our actions.

"Intimate bonding" and all that other stuff you are talking about is called "Making Love" ..... not sex.  Sex is just sex.

You know there is a difference, right?

In your last line, "We will ultimately pay the price for our actions."  Some people get fabulous mindblowing sex and relationships on levels YOU just can't understand. 

Faithfulness vs. “The Lifestyle”

It is obvious people in the “lifestyle” of “swinging” think they are having it all. They believe they are “open minded” and “sexually positive” because they have “fun sex” with people other than their spouse or partner. Love and commitment is the intimate bonding between two people, and those in the “lifestyle” see SEX as a recreation to participate in with others.

Some years back, a middle aged woman Realtor who recently married a popular Realtor in my area was canvassing my neighborhood. I had heard about their marriage through one of their advertisements and I told her how happy I was for them. Her name and picture is no longer part of his business so it looks like they divorced after a few short years.

Sounds like about 60% of marriages in the US, money being the #1 problem but of course you knew these people so well you have the answer. Yes swingers do get divorced, but not all divorces, even in the lifestyle, are because of the lifestyle. About 5% to 8% of couples try the lifestyle in one way or another, with a divorce rate of 60% there are a lot of other factors involved.

The Realtor did not try to recruit you into the lifestyle.

Sex is important to a marriage, but a successful happy marriage is more than having sex. My husband and I are attractive 50 year olds and have been faithful to each other throughout our 28 year marriage and nearly 30 year relationship. Our marriage has been filled with great joy, but also the sadness and challenges that come with life.

Our marriage is built on love, trust, laughter and holding each others hand. My wife is 54 and I am 56 we started dating when she was 15 and I was 17.We have been married now for 33 years. Our life has had all the ups and downs from honeymoon to sitting in a hospital waiting to see how a child is doing. We have watched parents age and pass and been there for them, been scout leaders, dog rescue volunteers (housed 775 dogs over a 12 year span)

What holds us together through the difficult times? It is our love and commitment to each other. Our faithfulness to each other comforts us through the difficult times and strengthens the passion in our marriage. There is no one on earth I would rather be with than my husband and we know that we are sexy- especially together. Our commitment, love and attraction for each other is very deep and we definitely have fun together.

US too.

The “swingers” say their groups are safe, but there is still a risk of unwanted pregnancy since birth control does not always work. Also, what if the “health certificate” a new member presents is a fake? We all have heard that condoms do not always work. STD’s like Herpes’s, and AID’s can bring permanent physical consequences if just one person comes into the group and is not “clean”, even if they say they are.

We are adults we wear condoms, we live life, but with common sense. Many in the lifestyle are from the medical fields.

If children are in the home, they will feel there is something that is “just not right” in the family since children have a tendency to compare their family to others, especially teenagers.

We were Cub/Boy Scout leaders for 12 years, our son made Eagle Scout. When we were in Cub Scouts we were the ONLY couple that were still married and had our kids, no steps, no other fathers kids or weekend parenting. I was a *Dad* to about 50 kids over those years because there was no father at home. We have employed many of those kids in our businesses over the last 20 years.

To those who believe in God and are considering the “lifestyle”, ask yourself what God would think before you go down that road.

My God will judge me as He sees fit, if I don’t measure up just because I had sex with someones wife, while my wife was having sex with her husband then I will get in that long line of folks who (A) never heard of the Bible (B) lived before the Bible ( C) believe in some other religion. Sorry my God does not bring up feelings of fear only love. If you fear your God go *smite- kill* somebody for working on the Sabbath, it says to do it in the Bible.

Sexual freedom with “emotional monogamy” in the “lifestyle” does not make sense to those of us in a monogamous relationship. The thought of our life partner telling us they are sexually excited by someone else is disgusting to us. We do not desire or even have time for “social events” to meet sexual partners and would not find it exciting to have our partner see us having sex with someone else.

Just about everyone likes to get sexually excited, it is part of being human. It is that fact that sells toothpaste and shower soap. Ask anyone in advertising or marketing and they will tell you a pretty girl can sell anything.

My wife can see a guy on TV and say *wow he’s hot* and I am not disgusted, I know he is sexually exciting to her. I can see a beautiful woman and say to my wife * I could fall in lust with that one* and she laughs and wants to hear my fantasies as part of our foreplay.

Almost every Saturday night for last 40 years we have tried to make time to go out as just a couple, for the last 20 years few of those Saturday night dates have been with other couples or to swinger events. So we didn't’t make extra time for swinging we just used our *couple time*

We make time for what we like to do. I don’t have time to hunt wild game, some folks do.

I bet the people in "the lifestyle" would never leave the pink slip to their car lying around at one of their "parties" for just anyone to pick up, so it looks like their pink slips are treated with more value than their spouses and marriage licenses.

First I do not own my wife, I own my car. If you want to use that analogy, I would let a good friend use my van or my motorcycle if I got to drive his sports car for an hour or two as long as it was understood that there better be no dents when returned. Our marriage is not built on just sex.

Those in “the lifestyle” of lustful licentiousness will never understand or experience being fulfilled with the sweetness and strength of sexual exclusiveness in a life long marriage. We are all born with free choice of how to live our lives, but we will ultimately pay the price for our actions.

We have been married for 33 years and have many happy memories. I can remember what she looked like in a swimsuit at 15 if I close my eyes. I understand the joy of being with my wife for all this time and I have the sweet memories of being sexual with dozens of other women, just as she has memories of dozens of males. Some of those memories are very sweet, but none that replace the memories we share.

We are born with free choice and I choose to live my life by my rules not yours and as I said earlier MY GOD will judge MY LIFE and only HE will I answer to.

P.S. thank you for the kind words to IN THE SWING, see you at the bar.

P.P.S. using bold large fonts do not mean your right.

I wonder how a couple in the “lifestyle” can have spiritual closeness and be true soul mates when they “get a piece” from someone other than their spouse, become “one” with that person and then carry those memories around to think about? What if the lust turns into an emotional, romantic attachment? Some people will be blindsided and suffer the emotional consequences of jealousy and loss of self esteem.

 Unless you are both virgins when you marry you have memories of sex with others, ours are just more recent.  If you were ever married or even just had sex with someone before you met your spouse you have sexual memories of other people. Some people do not suffer from jealousy and have fine self esteem.

I agree with what Dr. Phil said Robin would do: “If I brought this up to my wife, the next thing that would be happening would be me getting hit in the back of the head with a shovel!”

I am so very glad that I can bring up any subject and talk about anything to my wife without the fear of getting a shovel to the back of my head.  Including but not limited to other people I think are sexy, we can and do talk about that. I would feel so nervous if I had to watch what ideas I brought up to my wife. I could not stay where I was worried that if I expressed a dream, fantasy, or idea I would get slapped up side the head with a shovel. I feel sorry for couples who can not talk to each other about any subject. We talk about politics, sex, religion, dreams and fantasies, but thats us. We even disagree on some of it, but at the end of the day we know we will still be a couple living a life together the next day.

When I asked my wife what could I say to get hit with a blunt object was, she said " WE should be guest on Dr Phil " was the only line she could think of.