Topic : Debt

When I finally pulled together August's spending log and printed it and began September's spending log - I walked totally away from dealing with my finances and returned to my unhealthy financial management stuff.  I knew that it was happening, and I allowed myself to do it.  I didn't beat myself up or berate myself with WHAT I NEEDED TO DO AND WHY.  I just accepted it because I had felt FEAR/ANXIETY about what I was posting and knew that I needed time to work something out. 

And that was:  WHAT DO I REALLY TRULY IN MY HEART WANT TO DO?  That's what has been scary for me. Me allowing myself to think about it and then me giving myself permission to do it.  I mean, I know what it is I want to do and yet at the same time, giving myself permission means I have to change to obtain it.  It's like a vicious circle going on inside me.  I had to work it out. 

So all month, I've been reading books on FEAR.  I got 4 now -- 2 I'm going to buy and 3 i own outright.  I'm re-reading Harriet's book cause it was her book that started me on the path of facing my fears and helped me to work thru what I was feeling inside since  December 2003.  I feel like I finally graduated! 

Yesterday, I reviewed my Financial Security goals and allowed myself to answer the questions I ask myself every month and was so surprised to see what my TAPE is.  It was amazing!!!  I saw so many loops going on within me with 1 ALWAYS SURFACING!   That loop is:  I WANT TO STAY HOME AND BE A HOMEMAKER FOR AWHILE.  I WANT TO JUST LIVE TAKING CARE OF MY HOME and  MY BELOVED ANIMAL COMPANIONS.   

Now, I can do it. I have had this same conversation all year long - it started with giving myself 3 months, and then another 3 months and then another to finally, I have to acknowledge that I have stuff I want to do and explore NOW and that I need just as much time as necessary to do it.   

I have a lot of stuff I have to do now to figure out how I'm going to do this and to step up to the fears and anxieties emotions that are going to surface and step over the bridge to the new path I'm writing.  I don't have the vaguest idea of where I'm going or where the path will lead me - I just know that I will probably never ever have this opportunity happen again and I want it so bad.  I want a simple life, one filled with home and family and friends.  I've done the corporate gig for over 35 years; now, I want to be released from it.  I just want to be a homemaker. Who would have thunk it!  Not me, ever!!! 

And I also acknowledged that everytime I wanted something and asked the Universe for the last couple of years; has come to me.  So I know that this is where I want to be and I also know that over time it will change as it becomes a piece of my WHOLENESS.  Isn't that the greatest!!!  I really deserve all that I can bring to me!   

crashed thru a MAJOR HURDLE!!!  You had what I call the fear of the known and unknown at the same time.  In other woids - you knew  what was coming, but you did not know the extent of it, and you put yourself in a major tither over it. 

Now I now you are on the path to strength.  You want the simple life soo bad that you can feel it, taste it, smell it, and grab onto it - now Do It.  Yes it is the greatest. 

R  

This was the hardest emotion for me to name.  I know what to do NOW in the NOW; however, whenever the past pops up it's head, I just don't know.  So I have to stop and spend the time working thru my old emotions.  Handling the thoughts is so much easier; however, this time it was an emotion that had a script that I lived to. 

It's not so much that I put myself thru a major tither over this; I allowed myself to experience it 4 times since the end of April when my answers in my goal reviews showed me I was bring closure to old long time goals.   

I knew I was going to be okay and that I was getting derailed and I knew that everything would be okay when it was over.  Now, I can BREATHE and begin the slow process of re-doing my goals again.  It's time to start writing up my year long goals -- my birthday is next month and I do that for myself.  I call this year my 52nd Year of Living - it means quite a lot.  I'm so far down the road now - it feels really really good! 

the past is the past.  The past cannot hurt you unless you allow it to.  Emotions are a good thing - they allow us to be who we are and be humans.  Old emotions - I agree with you - will and can dog you.  What you said is key - 'stop and spend the time working thru old emotions' - there ain't nonethin wrong with that, just don't let them get a toe hold.  It's alright to stop and say ok your here - but I ain't going to listen to you anymore 'your the past and I'm moven on'. 

I had to do that at times, sometimes it was easy and sometimes not - but I did it.  And I know you will to. 

Since yesterday morning, I have been getting my goals ready for the year.  Doing each one separately and allowing space between the times I do it so I can listen to what I'm saying.  I'm waiting for a WHAM - so far, nothing.  I'm asking myself all sorts of questions.  I do this once a year -- close to when my birthday arrives.   Used to take me a while to get thru this; however, it gets easier and easier. 

I started on Finances yesterday, put it down and picked it up a couple of hours ago.  It's really a strange feeling ....  I know it's up to me and that it's my choice to take the next steps - that my old way was to just stay in an neverending loop and keeping myself from my hearts desire.   I finally acknowledged my 1 goal.  And I even worked on a 2nd one - exercise/movement.  I'm doing pretty good with that one - just wish the gasoline prices wouldn't go up any further.   However, it's a free gym and it's a free class - I just have to buy gas to get there.   

I ain't Phil, but I have spotted a flaw - and that is 'your waiting for a WHAM - why???  I know Oprah has said that she has had AHA moments and that fine, but do you really need something to clunk you over the head and say 'this is the right way'.  You have progressed soooo far that your able to recognize the gliches and loops. 

Now Capitalize on your strengths - your strengths Marcia.  Years ago when I hated myself and didn't know it, hated the world and authority and knew it - one of my first bosses took a liking to me and we had many, many conversations.  He got me to see these areas from a different persecptive - there was no WHAM, but he had the strength and intelligence for  me to tell me to rethink and analyize.  Now what you need to do is use those strengths that you have gained and as you say 'do each one separately so I can listen to what I'm saying'.  Remember the 'Karate Kid' movies and Miyagi-San saying to Daniel that it's in you already - just bring it out!!!  Do not ask yourself too many questions  - state what goal you want to achieve, write it down, see what it entails, and follow thru. 

Ya know why it's a strange feeling, because it's a New feeling replacing the old that kept you stuck.  Pretty soon it won't be a strange feeling anymore it will be Natural. 

When dealing with old emotions and thoughts, some of us can only go so far before we get hit with a WHAMMY that throws us totally off track if it's a big one.  The little ones are easy to deal with now; however, I knew that PIG PEN was a big issue - I've been feeling it since 12/03 but unable to figure out what it was. I would go along really well and then WHAM!  It's been a slow process - but now, I've figured out what has been going on - I knew I would.  It's why I call everything an experiement -- I tried out a new behavior, picked myself up when it didn't work and rethought it out and tried it again. Learned all sorts of new behaviors along the way. 

What Dr. Phil didn't explain (and if he did, I didn't see it) was that memories are just not thoughts - they are emotions.  PIG PEN was written as a tape quite a long time ago.  By elimating the garbage and finally facing it head on - took me 4 months - but I named it and remembered it.  Last night, I named the VnG emotion tape that keeps me from making some major phone calls in my life to get me back on track with my financial goal.   

Roger, not everyone is at the same place - not everyone understood their world when they were kids.  I sure didn't and that's okay.  I'm in such a better place now to understand why I got so lost so long ago.  I understand the world so much better.   

The strangeness is because I've never known such quietness in my brain.  That's something that's really cool!  It's such a neat feeling - I know that by X-mas I will be in a much better place than I am right now.  In fact, if it weren't for my journaling my processes out, I wouldn't remember what I've gone thru. I have to make plans to never return to this place again.  Planning is coming along quite well for me now. 

we are different and not all in the same place.  As far as understanding their world - I sure didn't, but with me, since I was excluded that made me all the more want to know why, why, why - ya know something else Marcia, with me if I don't get an answer, I will become a Sherlock Holmes until I find the why, why, why. 

You have also maybe said the key why I should start jounaling - the problem is and I don't look at it as a problem per say - is whenever something happens to me that is either good or bad, that is etched on my brain cavaity and stays with me, I don't how I do it, but that's what happens.  Journaling has helped a lot of people and I just say 'then do it'. 

You are going to come out of this with Flying Colors. 

Rog, I recommend journaling to so many people. It allows me to write down what's going on in my life and then later, I review what I've written to see where I was the year before or 6 months before.  It didn't take me long to see a pattern in my writing when I first started.  My mood swung up and down depending if I was heading or in my menstrual cycle or not.  My doctor just blew it off but when I talked about it with other women, they too saw it.   

Dr. Phil calls :  etched on my brain cavaity and stays with meetched on my brain cavaity and stays with me as Defining Moments.  These moments, choices, & people then make up the tape that runs our lives.  It's why I chose to commit to doing Self Matters - because he provided the tools to understand what it was all about. 

He starts off with you getting in touch with 1 moment, then another.  He wants 10 but there are so many more than that.  But 10 is a good number to work with as you do the exercises in the book.  Then it's people & choices.  He brings in Maslow Hierachy and begins the slow process of introducing you to where you were at as a child.  Then he begins to teach you about SELF-DIALOGUE - how it works.  As you proceed thru the book, you begin to see how your thinking distorts your decisions.  When I was done, I chose to tackle my first long-time goal of SEWING.  It was an easy goal because I could write up the various steps/tasks that I needed to do.   

Then with Self Matters in hand, I began to process the negative self-talk I had been writing for years and years (since I was 13 - that's 40 years ago come October).  It was hard because it was so overwritten, I had to really work on it. 

It doesn't take a lot of work - it does take time and commitment - I've done it in less than 1 year.   I've never been so peaceful in my head before.   And I'm learning about anxiety and fear right now because that's the wall I've been bouncing off.    

Give it a try Rog, my initial goal was to PROVE DR. PHIL A LIAR.  He's not.  It works if you commit to it.  Those moments lose there hold on you.   

that I didn't realize the extent of your suffering.  I had gone to the 'Self Matters' column and read your posts, and only then did I realize.  Now however, you are coming out from under your clouds and getting stronger, and your writing much more fluid. 

As far as 'being etched on my brain cavaity' as early as I can remember it has been that way.  I think I was about 7 or 8 when I was a witness to a 'fight' between two kids, when actually one was picking on the other - that I remember it as clear today as it was then. 

As far as negative self-talk - I don't remember my mom having it when we lived in LA, but after she chose to return to her small town birthplace, within a couple of years and as I got older, I began to notice something.  I first chalked it up to small town thinking as I said, then in my childs mind I said maybe because she lost her husband, and five years later her oldest brother. 

Procving the dear boy a liar - that won't be easy - I don't always agree with him - in fact I feel he's wrong about 3 percent of the time - but that's me.