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Topic : Debt

Number of Replies: 754
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:21:14 am
Author : dataimport
Are you struggling with debt? Have you successfully managed your debt? Share tips and strategies with others.

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September 7, 2005, 12:22 pm CDT

To Shopaholic

Quote From: ostler

I am a stay at home mom of 3. My husband works and earns good money. I have trouble staying out of stores. My husband makes more than enough to pay the bills, but we live paycheck, to paycheck.  I don't know how to control my spending. We only have two cedit cards, with a very low limit-600.00 for both, so I pay for everything with cash. I control all of our finances, so my husband has no idea where the money goes, and if he did, he would probably move out. I don't know what to do to control this. Any ideas?? I love my husband dearly, and don't want to loose him, but I also cannot control this. I spend until our accout is sucked dry every month. I do pay our bills, so I spend anything that left over that could be saved. Growing up my parents never taught us about money management. I don't even know how to balance a check book. I also think my excessive spending is heriditary. I have a grandmother that does it also. Can anyone please offer advise??  

This has got nonething to do with heriditary or not being taught money management.  I have watched enough shows to know that YOU are getting a Payoff from doing this.  More than likely you have an emotional need or needs that are not being met - so you spend money 'for a quick fix'. 

  

What needs of yours is your husband or kids not meeting, do you yourself have self confidence, because it appears that you don't.  You have to look within yourself - before you spend your family into the poor house - which is exactly where your driving your family. 

  

                                                                 Rog 

 
September 7, 2005, 8:38 pm CDT

Ya Got me thinking ...

Quote From: marcia52

Yes, I committed to this goal of financial freedom.  It's not going to be easy, however, I know I can do it.  Getting past the berating myself for mistakes and being who I am has been a major midpoint for me.  Today, I've allowing myself time out -- it's been so busy in my life that I was driven by family & friends -- now it's just me and the beloveds (3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 kitten) -- it's really nice -- even my beloveds seem to be at peace now with me. 

About my own family and money.  My family was never afraid of money - just worried about not having it.  I always felt my mom was a worry wort - her brother, my favorite Uncle, was college educated and was sort of forever getting after her negative thinking.  He had a real good job with a top corp.  One of my moms favorite sayings and sarcasticly was 'the rich get richer and the poor get poorer'.   One day I said ok what does it take to reverse that - and she just looked at me and said 'hah' - like 'who do you think you are'.  I now look back and see that she had a defeatist outlook. 

  

So how did I turn out sooo different.  I listened to and watched people who either had it made and or had money.  I saw how they looked at the world and how others without money looked at the world, and because I saw the defference in the two groups - I started to change.  My family did and didnot like it, but I told myself - if I want to be better off - then as my Aunt used to say - 'better get hep to the jive'. 

  

                                                               Rog 

  

  

  

 
September 8, 2005, 7:33 am CDT

I had no MENTORS with money in their lives....

Quote From: renagade

About my own family and money.  My family was never afraid of money - just worried about not having it.  I always felt my mom was a worry wort - her brother, my favorite Uncle, was college educated and was sort of forever getting after her negative thinking.  He had a real good job with a top corp.  One of my moms favorite sayings and sarcasticly was 'the rich get richer and the poor get poorer'.   One day I said ok what does it take to reverse that - and she just looked at me and said 'hah' - like 'who do you think you are'.  I now look back and see that she had a defeatist outlook. 

  

So how did I turn out sooo different.  I listened to and watched people who either had it made and or had money.  I saw how they looked at the world and how others without money looked at the world, and because I saw the defference in the two groups - I started to change.  My family did and didnot like it, but I told myself - if I want to be better off - then as my Aunt used to say - 'better get hep to the jive'. 

  

                                                               Rog 

  

  

  

My mom lost everything when her dad ditched the family for another woman.  Mom went from living middle class to living in a shack, the kids were finally farmed out to relatives, 2 ended up in a Children's Home.  My dad's situation was similar - his mom ran off with him and left his dad with his 5 sisters.  His dad was a miner & farmer.  Money was something you just didn't have when they were going up. 

  

I always heard WE DON'T HAVE MONEY - there were 6 of us and dad got laid off quite regularly or went on strike - like most steelworkers.   But she became the QUEEN OF THRIFT.  I hated the clothes she would buy!  I got 1 color, my other 2 sisters got other colors - didn't matter if we like them or not.  It was just the way of things. 

  

Funny thing is, when I got older, I learned that the neighbors actually thought we were well off - we took family camping vacations, we fed others - there was always enough food to feed anyone who was hungry.  Yep, I came from a good background of compassion -- something I just learned is a big part of who I am. 

  

When my dad died, I learned that mom had been able to save quite a bit of money raising us 6 kids & 3 nieces/nephews.   When I started doing Orman's 9 steps, I realized that what I heard was not what was.   I got really distorted messages.   

  

Last night, I balanced my checkbook - and I didn't do too much damage to myself this time!  I even allowed myself to spend some of my FUN $ that Orman says I should give myself.  It really felt strange - but I did it and I was so glad I did!  It's just me learning new behaviors & habits.  That's something I've been doing with SELF MATTERS since last February 2003.  I can do this, it will take me a little time - I figure by January 1, 2006, I will have been practicing my new behaviors for 7 months.  I'm still waiting to tackle my credit card debt - I have to get the credit card paid off first because when I transfer to the lower interest rate, whatever is remaining on the card will be charged the 13% interest rate until I pay off the transfer balance - I'm not even sure if it will be 3.99% or 4.99% - it will take me 4 years to pay it off and that's a long time for the 13% to be adding up.   It won't be until next month when I can do this - and I can't believe I'm anxious to start it up.  I really had such a hard time to working out what gets paid off first, what do I need to do first, etc. etc.  Now, I'm anxious!  Isn't that the greatest .... already I've changed a behavior or two! 

 
September 8, 2005, 7:08 pm CDT

You did...

Quote From: marcia52

My mom lost everything when her dad ditched the family for another woman.  Mom went from living middle class to living in a shack, the kids were finally farmed out to relatives, 2 ended up in a Children's Home.  My dad's situation was similar - his mom ran off with him and left his dad with his 5 sisters.  His dad was a miner & farmer.  Money was something you just didn't have when they were going up. 

  

I always heard WE DON'T HAVE MONEY - there were 6 of us and dad got laid off quite regularly or went on strike - like most steelworkers.   But she became the QUEEN OF THRIFT.  I hated the clothes she would buy!  I got 1 color, my other 2 sisters got other colors - didn't matter if we like them or not.  It was just the way of things. 

  

Funny thing is, when I got older, I learned that the neighbors actually thought we were well off - we took family camping vacations, we fed others - there was always enough food to feed anyone who was hungry.  Yep, I came from a good background of compassion -- something I just learned is a big part of who I am. 

  

When my dad died, I learned that mom had been able to save quite a bit of money raising us 6 kids & 3 nieces/nephews.   When I started doing Orman's 9 steps, I realized that what I heard was not what was.   I got really distorted messages.   

  

Last night, I balanced my checkbook - and I didn't do too much damage to myself this time!  I even allowed myself to spend some of my FUN $ that Orman says I should give myself.  It really felt strange - but I did it and I was so glad I did!  It's just me learning new behaviors & habits.  That's something I've been doing with SELF MATTERS since last February 2003.  I can do this, it will take me a little time - I figure by January 1, 2006, I will have been practicing my new behaviors for 7 months.  I'm still waiting to tackle my credit card debt - I have to get the credit card paid off first because when I transfer to the lower interest rate, whatever is remaining on the card will be charged the 13% interest rate until I pay off the transfer balance - I'm not even sure if it will be 3.99% or 4.99% - it will take me 4 years to pay it off and that's a long time for the 13% to be adding up.   It won't be until next month when I can do this - and I can't believe I'm anxious to start it up.  I really had such a hard time to working out what gets paid off first, what do I need to do first, etc. etc.  Now, I'm anxious!  Isn't that the greatest .... already I've changed a behavior or two! 

Have a very traumatic childhood with a lot of baggage that no child should ever have. 

  

My mom and dad were a working couple, and I guess they never wanted.  When I came along my mom stopped working, and I guess dad was making more.  Mom also had her older brother and he and dad got along fine.  After I turned 5 dad died, and since mom still had her older brother, things were still ok.  After her brother died 5 years later, she made the decision to leave the big city and return to her hometown where her sister and husband lived.  Moms hometown was a small town where everbody thought the same and you had better think that way also.  I think this was the start of her defeatist thinking. 

  

Hooray for you for balancing your checkbook - knew ya could do it.  I don't like the word 'tackle' look at it as a business item that has to be done.  The reason your anxious is because your getting stronger and better - and your right it feels great. 

  

                                                          Rog 

 
September 8, 2005, 8:18 pm CDT

Tackle was the WORD for it :(

Quote From: renagade

Have a very traumatic childhood with a lot of baggage that no child should ever have. 

  

My mom and dad were a working couple, and I guess they never wanted.  When I came along my mom stopped working, and I guess dad was making more.  Mom also had her older brother and he and dad got along fine.  After I turned 5 dad died, and since mom still had her older brother, things were still ok.  After her brother died 5 years later, she made the decision to leave the big city and return to her hometown where her sister and husband lived.  Moms hometown was a small town where everbody thought the same and you had better think that way also.  I think this was the start of her defeatist thinking. 

  

Hooray for you for balancing your checkbook - knew ya could do it.  I don't like the word 'tackle' look at it as a business item that has to be done.  The reason your anxious is because your getting stronger and better - and your right it feels great. 

  

                                                          Rog 

I lost it in August and figured out how I could balanced my checkbook - it's not so hard now that I gave up my ATM card - I don't even miss it anymore - who would have thunk it!  I am going to go over July, August & Sept's spending log and see what it is I'm doing. I have to really evaluate what my allocations are. 

  

I lived in a couple of small towns when I was in my 20's.   I liked it - and yes they do think the same don't they.  I'm glad that you found your strength while living there.  Do you still do?  Do you have one of those town circle parks?  None of the towns I lived in did.  However, I have seen them - I think they are so cool! 

  

Her defeatist attitude probably started a lot earlier than that.   It takes time for the tapes to be written.  Too bad she's not into Dr. Phil - you could recommend Self Matters - it's really helpful in understanding how the mind works.   

 
September 8, 2005, 8:53 pm CDT

You are Intellihente!!!

Quote From: marcia52

I lost it in August and figured out how I could balanced my checkbook - it's not so hard now that I gave up my ATM card - I don't even miss it anymore - who would have thunk it!  I am going to go over July, August & Sept's spending log and see what it is I'm doing. I have to really evaluate what my allocations are. 

  

I lived in a couple of small towns when I was in my 20's.   I liked it - and yes they do think the same don't they.  I'm glad that you found your strength while living there.  Do you still do?  Do you have one of those town circle parks?  None of the towns I lived in did.  However, I have seen them - I think they are so cool! 

  

Her defeatist attitude probably started a lot earlier than that.   It takes time for the tapes to be written.  Too bad she's not into Dr. Phil - you could recommend Self Matters - it's really helpful in understanding how the mind works.   

By going over the past months you are going to get a very clear picture of where the money goes - I applaud You!!!  If more people did that they would know whats going on too. 

  

I didn't like living in a small town.  Born in LA, then at ten mom moved us to a town with less than 10,000 pop.  I did sense the defference.  I not only found my strength there but had too.  One day in the summer before I started high school - the landlord and me were talking about nonething - when this guy we both knew came and told us about an incident that had just happened.  I voiced my opinion and the landlord said 'we don't think like that here - you must think your still in LA', when I heard that I said 'what have I gotten myself into' and from that point I felt like it was me versus the town, and as you can imange high school was 'fun' for me at times.  The town sorta did have those circles. 

  

Do I still do - well I found out about 20 years ago that personality wise I'm the strongest horse in the barn.  I have been told that I have tooo much attitude.  I have also been told that I'm not courteous, gentle, or sauve, however my mother and uncle instilled those in me at a yound age.  One of the things that does bother some people about me and yet 'thrills' others is that I have 'confidence in myself', not just 'self confidence', but Confidence in Myself.  This seems to have 3 effects on people - either it scares, upsets, or hey wow - tell me more. 

  

My mom passed away 20 years ago.  The one thing that I could not discuss with her was phychology.  I think she was afraid of it or didn't understand it.   Ya know looking back further - moms dad died on the job and money became scarce and she had to go to work and in this town where she was born there was a clear distinction of those that had and those that didn't. 

  

                                                             R 

 
September 9, 2005, 8:10 am CDT

See - there is a reason for her behavior....

Quote From: renagade

By going over the past months you are going to get a very clear picture of where the money goes - I applaud You!!!  If more people did that they would know whats going on too. 

  

I didn't like living in a small town.  Born in LA, then at ten mom moved us to a town with less than 10,000 pop.  I did sense the defference.  I not only found my strength there but had too.  One day in the summer before I started high school - the landlord and me were talking about nonething - when this guy we both knew came and told us about an incident that had just happened.  I voiced my opinion and the landlord said 'we don't think like that here - you must think your still in LA', when I heard that I said 'what have I gotten myself into' and from that point I felt like it was me versus the town, and as you can imange high school was 'fun' for me at times.  The town sorta did have those circles. 

  

Do I still do - well I found out about 20 years ago that personality wise I'm the strongest horse in the barn.  I have been told that I have tooo much attitude.  I have also been told that I'm not courteous, gentle, or sauve, however my mother and uncle instilled those in me at a yound age.  One of the things that does bother some people about me and yet 'thrills' others is that I have 'confidence in myself', not just 'self confidence', but Confidence in Myself.  This seems to have 3 effects on people - either it scares, upsets, or hey wow - tell me more. 

  

My mom passed away 20 years ago.  The one thing that I could not discuss with her was phychology.  I think she was afraid of it or didn't understand it.   Ya know looking back further - moms dad died on the job and money became scarce and she had to go to work and in this town where she was born there was a clear distinction of those that had and those that didn't. 

  

                                                             R 

The towns I lived in were really comical.  One town truly believed that if you were not born from a multi-generation ancestor you were a Townie.  Only outsiders saw it - it was funny actually because you could see their tapes/scripts so easily. 

  

I too understand about the 3 effects - for me however, I have 2: you like me or you don't.  My energy is pretty scattered.  Like I awake energize.  And those folks who dread Monday mornings really dislike it.  I mentally process pretty quickly and had to learn the hard way that I was 3-4 steps ahead of folks -- once I learned how to step back and walk away so that others could catch up with me, I got along quite well with people. 

  

See .... you will find reasons for people behaviors in their past.  In fact, it's like the Easter Ham story:  little girl is watching her mom prepare the ham - mom cuts off both ends of the ham.  Daughter asks:  WHY DID YOU DO THAT?  MOM:  Grandma always did it when I was growing up.  Daughter:  WHY DOES GRANDMA DO IT?  MOM:  I don't know, let's call her and ask.  GRANDMA:  I always cut off the ends because my pan was too small. 

  

We make an awful lot of decisions about our lives when we are children and until we challenge what we are thinking, we are living to those scripts for the rest of our lives.  That's why I knew that Self Matters was the answer because he explained how our internal dialogue works and provided exercises/tools to help you learn to constantly challenge your thinking.  It has been the most wonderful thing I've done for myself - that and giving myself permission to get off the roller coaster and discover who I am inside by dumping the stupid life style I had created -- good thing they offered an early retirement.  I have a small pension and health insurance - and the desire now to start all over - even if I'm 52 - I still have a long way to go. 

 
September 9, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

So True

Quote From: marcia52

The towns I lived in were really comical.  One town truly believed that if you were not born from a multi-generation ancestor you were a Townie.  Only outsiders saw it - it was funny actually because you could see their tapes/scripts so easily. 

  

I too understand about the 3 effects - for me however, I have 2: you like me or you don't.  My energy is pretty scattered.  Like I awake energize.  And those folks who dread Monday mornings really dislike it.  I mentally process pretty quickly and had to learn the hard way that I was 3-4 steps ahead of folks -- once I learned how to step back and walk away so that others could catch up with me, I got along quite well with people. 

  

See .... you will find reasons for people behaviors in their past.  In fact, it's like the Easter Ham story:  little girl is watching her mom prepare the ham - mom cuts off both ends of the ham.  Daughter asks:  WHY DID YOU DO THAT?  MOM:  Grandma always did it when I was growing up.  Daughter:  WHY DOES GRANDMA DO IT?  MOM:  I don't know, let's call her and ask.  GRANDMA:  I always cut off the ends because my pan was too small. 

  

We make an awful lot of decisions about our lives when we are children and until we challenge what we are thinking, we are living to those scripts for the rest of our lives.  That's why I knew that Self Matters was the answer because he explained how our internal dialogue works and provided exercises/tools to help you learn to constantly challenge your thinking.  It has been the most wonderful thing I've done for myself - that and giving myself permission to get off the roller coaster and discover who I am inside by dumping the stupid life style I had created -- good thing they offered an early retirement.  I have a small pension and health insurance - and the desire now to start all over - even if I'm 52 - I still have a long way to go. 

I know exactly what you mean by 'townie'.  I saw it all too often. 

  

I too awake ready for action and I look forward to Monday and I too oftne can't handle those who say 'oh Blue Monday'.  I also process quickly and have been critized for it.  One of my biggest problems has been with my peers.  I am an only child and being that I was introduced to people that were 15 to 20 years older than me and I became very confortable in dealing with them.  With my own age group it was another story - I felt at times like they were kids.  Only 20 years ago I found out why - your parents have no trouble controlling one child - so you are takin with them when they go wherever and as such you are introduced to older people and you just become confortralble with them.  When I was in my mid forties and was able to interact with my age group - I wondered what took them so long to grow up. 

  

I not only challenge my own thinking - I also challenge the thinking of others - degree or not.  Marcia you have the right to be you - you can't be anybody else.  I hope when you say 'I still have a long way to go' that you mean that in years of age.  You are young, I am 58 and I don't consider that old. 

Age is a number - not a disease or condition.  When I was in my late teens - and saw how that age group acted - worries/complaints, etc. - I made a vow to myself that I would never act like that, and to be honest I am critized for it.  Cheech!!! 

  

                                                                  R 

 
September 9, 2005, 4:11 pm CDT

I'm going to be here ....

Quote From: renagade

I know exactly what you mean by 'townie'.  I saw it all too often. 

  

I too awake ready for action and I look forward to Monday and I too oftne can't handle those who say 'oh Blue Monday'.  I also process quickly and have been critized for it.  One of my biggest problems has been with my peers.  I am an only child and being that I was introduced to people that were 15 to 20 years older than me and I became very confortable in dealing with them.  With my own age group it was another story - I felt at times like they were kids.  Only 20 years ago I found out why - your parents have no trouble controlling one child - so you are takin with them when they go wherever and as such you are introduced to older people and you just become confortralble with them.  When I was in my mid forties and was able to interact with my age group - I wondered what took them so long to grow up. 

  

I not only challenge my own thinking - I also challenge the thinking of others - degree or not.  Marcia you have the right to be you - you can't be anybody else.  I hope when you say 'I still have a long way to go' that you mean that in years of age.  You are young, I am 58 and I don't consider that old. 

Age is a number - not a disease or condition.  When I was in my late teens - and saw how that age group acted - worries/complaints, etc. - I made a vow to myself that I would never act like that, and to be honest I am critized for it.  Cheech!!! 

  

                                                                  R 

Rog, the women on both sides of my family live well into their 90's - being 52 means I have another 40 years to look forward to!  And as for how I behave, well, I'm always getting told - ACT YOUR AGE!   

  

I don't challenge people anymore - I simply have begun to agree with what's going on in their lives with words like:  yeah, that a real nasty pattern you are living.  OR I know she's taught those people how to treat her and it's really sad that she's having such a hard time trying to break out of the abusive situation OR Wow, I know exactly what you are feeling --  _________ is a FEAR symptom.  (that's something I just used on Wednesday night!). 

  

Challenging folks only gets them back into a corner - now, I simply am using their "words" to help me to remember what I've finally learned -- it's a way to remember -- so I can write those words into tapes I can live with. 

 
September 9, 2005, 10:21 pm CDT

Atta Girl

Quote From: marcia52

Rog, the women on both sides of my family live well into their 90's - being 52 means I have another 40 years to look forward to!  And as for how I behave, well, I'm always getting told - ACT YOUR AGE!   

  

I don't challenge people anymore - I simply have begun to agree with what's going on in their lives with words like:  yeah, that a real nasty pattern you are living.  OR I know she's taught those people how to treat her and it's really sad that she's having such a hard time trying to break out of the abusive situation OR Wow, I know exactly what you are feeling --  _________ is a FEAR symptom.  (that's something I just used on Wednesday night!). 

  

Challenging folks only gets them back into a corner - now, I simply am using their "words" to help me to remember what I've finally learned -- it's a way to remember -- so I can write those words into tapes I can live with. 

From my point of view thats wonderful that you have another 40 years of brain power, things to discover, inventions to put together. 

  

By being told 'act your age' one could say your on the right track.  When one of my former neighbors who's a social worker told me that the government has a classification for the 50 to 61 age group as being 'nearly elderly' I asked him not to say that and my name in the same sentence. 

  

I should have qualified that statement by saying that if someone puts themself out as an 'expert' and starts to make mistakes then I might, or if someone is on a high horse - which I can't stand - then that to me is fair game, and if someone is wrong then that is fair game.  I guess I have a hard time with people getting bad-misinformation. 

  

  

 
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