Topic : Living on One Income

We are a one income family and I am a  stay at home mom.  I have to ask for money for everything and its getting annoying.  My husband has control of all of the money and  I am tired of asking for him to get a joint account.  He makes a good living and is trying to save for the future, but has a few bad habits such as smoking that is really the only one. Gary says I will blow all of his money if I have access to it.  It has been a year since I have worked outside the home, I am now volunteering my time at a nursing home. I just started it and it does not take a lot of my time 

I am doing this to pass the time.  With my Husbands work schedule of swing shifts, it is hard for me to work and keep house and do all the things a mother does for her family. Dr. Phil Please help I want access to the bank account by the way we have been married 15 years and I have always arranged my work schedule  to meet the kids needs but now I don't have to.   Because I stay at home. Thank you Terry 

I am very upset over an issue that came to light before i was married and i odnt know how to let go of it. 

my husband''s family have small business and before we were married it was suggested he said by friends that he should think about a prenupt.  I disagreed as i had not even thought in those lines as far as i was concerned everything we had together should be together.  My husband has 2 apartment and i have one, i moved abroad to live with him and have to learn a new language and do not have a job yet. 

Just before we married his father mentioned the prenupt and how he thought we were making a big mistake and i asked my husband to speak to his parents about it all.  I dont think he ever really did and now i am feeling quite worthless.  

His parents asked if they would still be able to remain in his apartment which hurt me as i didnt think i had ever given them any indication that i would want them out.  There seems to be a feeling among some of his friends that he is rich (even though i earned more than him when i worked but they dont know this) and that i am free-loading so to speak, yet i have always worked and always looked after myself.   

I am feeling very low as i feel that i am being judged unfairly and i feel why should i keep struggling to prove myself when i have had to do that all my life.  I have never been a money minded person and this whole situation has really upset me ,as i feel like the big bad wolf come to take away all the his a family has worked for! 

At the moment i am at home and i dont even want to ask for money or use the card to make withdrawals, in 2 months i have taken out the equivalent of 50 dollars.  i cant wait to find a job so i can stop feeling dependent and prove i am not out  take all the family has. Unfortunately the language barrier means i  am not so employable at the moment and i feel  i cant handle this.  i am finishing some studies at the moment and should be working on it, but this is eating away at me so much. I really need some advice.  Am i being too sensitive?  how can i solve this, has anyone been in a similar position? 

  

  

  

  

  

Well, you are a wife so therefore you are not freeloading. A frreloader is some one who lives in someones home and does absolutely nothing but expects handouts while they sit on their butts all night and play video games and sleep all day. Believe me, I had one in my home at one point. You are a wife and going to classes and I am sure you are probably the one taking care of most of the household chores. I am a stay at home mom and I know a couple of working moms who feel that I do nothing but sit and watch tv and play all day, which is far far from the truth, I contribute to my household in a big way, so don't let it bother you. How does your husabnd feel about all this, have you talked to him? He really needs to stick up for you and tell his family to butt out of your /his marriage. Of course I am a stubborn person so I would just ignore them and let them think wahtever they want and to continue what I am doing in life, I love what I do and my husband and children are as happy as can be as well. ANd that is what matters, not what every one else thinks. Don't let them bother you.

Thank you  jettav 

  

I am realising the need to talk to my husband.  i have been a bit quiet these past few days and i know he senses something is wrong, i do owe it to him to help solve this problem.  I will talk to him and will let you know what happens. 

 I am a stay at home mom not becasue of i have to it is becasue my husband and i would rather have me at home! so our son will know that someone will be home for him! and it is hard at times to have one income becasue of renting a townhouse or an apartment is high and going to work  costs in gas! and it's even harder to when your husband is the one working and you aren't! And it's even harder when your husbands boss will not give him health insurance! and it's even really hard when your son gets really sick enough to go to the hospital and you have no health insurance to cover the hospital bill! and it's even harder when you have to have a check up by the doctor and he tells you that you have endometrosis which is not curable! These are real one income money problems that people have to deal with in the real world! And it's to bad that the government doesn't care about the families that have one income and make just 100.00 above poverty level! We are the ones that can not afford health insurance for our families! I i still worry about my son and my husband and myself when we get sick or if we have to go to the hospital!

Dear Jettav 

  

I had a talk with my husband and he said he would talk to his mum and dad.  i told him that I wasnt feeling part of the family because of this prenupt business and i needed him to talk to them about it.  Even though we have did not sign one, i still feel as though they are worried that i will take the roof from over their head and the business will be divided if we split up. Can you imagine the upset when we were talking about what might happen if we split up, even before we were married?  Any way that was resolved because i asked my then fiancee if it would be ok to get a prenupt that stated that i get the kids if we do spilt - needless to say he said he wouldnt sign.  i said this to prove my point , not to be serious. 

  

Any way back to what happened, my husband didnt talk to his mum and dad, he said it wasnt the right time.  they are worried about his sister, who is having to find somewhere to live after a break up and she has long term illness.  So i am left with dealing with these feeling by myself and it feels terribly lonely.  i dont want to seem selfish but i really dont know how to get over these feelings  it doesnt help that i a so far away from my family and friends.  i dont think t will evere be the right time for him, this is the third time we are actually talking about it.  - i didnt actually even realise it until i started to think about it.  I just cant wait for him to wait for theright time, when will that be, 6 months, 6 years! 

I actually told my husband to forget it, not to speak to them, as it seems he feels it will upset them and i dont want to seem the baddy.  Do you have nay thought on what i should do, or how to get past my feelings, actually just writing this is starting to make me feel alot better. 

  

   

ps i am not angry but cant change the user mood on the computer!!!!!

I honestly don't know what to say but he does sound a lot like my hubby. MY hubby is a very loving and compassionate person and he is a perfectionist and wants every one to be happy but in the process of trying to make every one happy, there is always goingt o be some one offended or not so happy, he has to have time to think and to process the information but doesn't realize the affects it has on others. Believe me, though it it is a whole different issue, my husband and I just recently had some problems because of his way of thinking and though it only lasted about a week, it seemed like eternity to me, I felt as if he was putting others way before me, my thoughts and feelings but in all reality, he was just trying to figure out how to make every one involved happy. I am firm believer that family, meaning husband and wife should come before others for the most part, I do believe thatin your case, he needs to be talking to his parents to stay out of this but at the same time, he is probably feeling pulled, like a tug of war game, and he isn't able to think straight. Men and women definetly think differently as our brains are wired different. There really isn't anything you can do, for you cannot change him for thet is something that only he can do, but you can change your self, maybe just try going the extra mile and be a little more nice to the family, show your love and respect for your husband even in ways that others will see how much you love your husabnd and that you are not after his material stuff, just his love and their acceptance as well. Make it as peaceful and easy as youpossibly can for your husband for I can almost bet that he is on your side, he just doesn't know how or when to communicate it, I know it is easier said then done but by you doing your part in your marriage and doing your part in keeping the peacethen maybe in time every one will come around but whatever the case, in the process of all this, do not do something that you are not comfortable with, don't let any one make you feel guilty over something that you are in totally in disagreement with, follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you and your husband.

Dera jettav 

  

thank you for your words of wisdom and will try to do everything to make life easy for my husband.  can you give me your thoughts about christmas?  I know his family are expecting him for christmas and he has never had it away from home.  i would like to have christmas with my family as i would like to just to enjoy the time with people i can communicate with.  I feel very isolated when i can only communicate through my husband's translations.   

i know his parents will make him feel guilty about being there, they do put pressure in him about such things and now the mum is ill, she was in hospital last year at christmas and the sister is ill too, not all the time but has a debilitatingillness.  i will be the baddy for not wanting christmas there i know that and at the same time i feel i have made a lot of sacrifices this year.  i left my job, family, friends, career, home and i feel i am losing myself.   do you thing christmas apart would be a compromise?  i do think my husband would make me feel guilty about that, he would insist to come with me to my family and then i feel guilty about taking him away from hs family.  Please help, any advice.  i trust your wisdom 

Well, I thank you for trusting me but I am only going by my experiences. :) I have learned to choose my battles and Christmas is one of them. I ahve a strong belief that my husabnd and I need to be together for Christmeas as we are Christians and this is the time that we have set aside to celebrate the birth of Christ and I feel that this needs to be done as a family, me, him and our children and luckily we have agreed to this. In your case, Christmas might not be the battle worth fighting for? You have to think about what is best for BOTH of you? Is it possible to have two Christmases? One with your family the other with his? SOmetimes we just have to compromise, talk to your family and see what kind of arrangements can be made. You may need to be the one to make the compromising here at this point, it can be a way of showing support for your husband and at the same time showing that you do love your family as well. If he doesn't agree to any thing that you suggest then make plans as you see fit and do what you feel to do even if it means doing it seperately. Christmas is a time to show our love and appreciation for others, it doesn't have to be done on the exact date of Dec. 25th. Last year we had Christmas at my parents house three days after Christmas and even had a rranged a special visit from Santa for our girls LOL. It was still fun and for the girls, it was just a double dose of fun. :)