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Topic : Arguing Over Money

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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spmamabear
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September 22, 2005, 8:07 am PDT

Money - Arguements

Sometimes I wonder how my husband and I argue about money when we don't have any. I have never believed that I needed to be rich. I just want to be able to pay a bill when it comes in. We made a concious decision to go without some things, because my daughter needed someone at home while she is growing up. But that decision has caused many arguements, because it has been very tough to pay our bills, and be able to afford birthdays, holiday presents, and sometimes even buying food. I don't regret staying at home, working part-time, while she is in school, but I wish we didn't have to make the choice at all. I sometimes say, " I hate money." It can cause so many issues and there never seems to be enough of it.
 
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renagade
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September 22, 2005, 10:02 am PDT

The reson

Quote From: spmamabear

Sometimes I wonder how my husband and I argue about money when we don't have any. I have never believed that I needed to be rich. I just want to be able to pay a bill when it comes in. We made a concious decision to go without some things, because my daughter needed someone at home while she is growing up. But that decision has caused many arguements, because it has been very tough to pay our bills, and be able to afford birthdays, holiday presents, and sometimes even buying food. I don't regret staying at home, working part-time, while she is in school, but I wish we didn't have to make the choice at all. I sometimes say, " I hate money." It can cause so many issues and there never seems to be enough of it.

Your arguing about money is because you don't have any.  Did the two of you REALLY make a concious decision or was there hesitancy on either of your parts.  Sounds like this was done without really realizing the impact that would ensue.   You don't cut a life line that is needed.  When you can't pay for essentials - then that is proof that it was a Bad decision. 

  

My advice is too sit down look at the entire situation, and then get a full time job - maybe a different shift - so one parent is always home. 
 
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jettav
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September 22, 2005, 1:11 pm PDT

Arguing Over Money

I think it is a waste of time and energy to argue over money which is a top reason why so many couples end up in divorce. Those with selfish spouses who do not think it is their duty to help with the expenses and all, they are the losers! and they certainly are not worth arguing with. When two people get married, they become as one which means they are a team. There is no such thing as this is my bill, this is your bill, unless one is out buying stuff that really isn't imporant. As far as utilities, rent/house payments, food and everything that it takes to run a home, it is all equal and if couples would sit down and work on a plan that will benefit every one involved, then life could be so much easier and happier, this is how we do it in our home and when one is in the need of something, the other doesn't hold back, itis called a family unit and working together is so much better then fighting. I am a stay at home mom and I love it but I have found ways to make money on the side and it is nothing for me to offer to buy dinner or to give to charity and I am the one who makes less. It's money and it is meant to help us survive and to support our families and all, not to fight over and become greedy beings. Those of you with selfish spouses who can't get through to them, I realize this is easier said then done for some, but where there is a will there is a way, but you have to quit fighting with that spouse, figure out a plan to make money and quit complaining, chances are it isn't going to get you any where but deeper into a fighting match and a broken marriage. Marriage is about love and unity and there has got to be a better way to get what we want with out fighting, definetly not teaching our kids the real meaning behind a good marriage. Money is a good thing and a neccessity but it can also cause failed marriages and that is bad, not only on the couple but on the kids as well.
 
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renagade
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September 22, 2005, 10:00 pm PDT

Ya hit

Quote From: jettav

I think it is a waste of time and energy to argue over money which is a top reason why so many couples end up in divorce. Those with selfish spouses who do not think it is their duty to help with the expenses and all, they are the losers! and they certainly are not worth arguing with. When two people get married, they become as one which means they are a team. There is no such thing as this is my bill, this is your bill, unless one is out buying stuff that really isn't imporant. As far as utilities, rent/house payments, food and everything that it takes to run a home, it is all equal and if couples would sit down and work on a plan that will benefit every one involved, then life could be so much easier and happier, this is how we do it in our home and when one is in the need of something, the other doesn't hold back, itis called a family unit and working together is so much better then fighting. I am a stay at home mom and I love it but I have found ways to make money on the side and it is nothing for me to offer to buy dinner or to give to charity and I am the one who makes less. It's money and it is meant to help us survive and to support our families and all, not to fight over and become greedy beings. Those of you with selfish spouses who can't get through to them, I realize this is easier said then done for some, but where there is a will there is a way, but you have to quit fighting with that spouse, figure out a plan to make money and quit complaining, chances are it isn't going to get you any where but deeper into a fighting match and a broken marriage. Marriage is about love and unity and there has got to be a better way to get what we want with out fighting, definetly not teaching our kids the real meaning behind a good marriage. Money is a good thing and a neccessity but it can also cause failed marriages and that is bad, not only on the couple but on the kids as well.
The nail right on the head.  Don't think I cooda said it better myself.
 
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jettav
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September 23, 2005, 9:10 am PDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: renagade

The nail right on the head.  Don't think I cooda said it better myself.
Well, I just think it is a waste of time to fight, usually it is a losing battle and I have been there with my spouse, luckily it didn't last long casue I felt that it was not worth fighting over. I believe there are ways of resolving issues with out fighting but that has to be up to the individuals involved and I personally know that it works. Maybe others will realize this as well.............................
 
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queentween
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September 29, 2005, 10:43 am PDT

Prenups are a great idea!

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I need to get some feedback on what people believe about having prenuptual agreements.  My boyfriend and I are having a serious disagreement on the need for one.   Neither one of us is a millionaire, but we make all of our bills and have money left to enjoy life.  He says that having a prenuptual agreement is just a guarantee that we will stay together and there will be no arguments.  I see prenuptuals as an easy way out in case a marriage doesn't seem to be working.  We have both been married before and I don't see divorce as a possibility.  My marriage ending before was not my decision.  I believe that people that don't see divorce as a possibility should not need to worry about a prenup.  I don't think I could be with someone that would want me to do this? I feel humiliated and can only see it as making sure there is an easy way out?? Am I wrong?? I really want some opinions!!  

P.S. He does have a daughter who is 19 years old that lives at home and is pregnant. I realize he wants to make sure that if he would die that his house goes to her which I am fine with.  I told him to put it in his will for the house.  We don't live together, so I would have no desire to have that house especially once we get one together.  HELP!  

Prenups are a great idea. NO one believes when they get married that they would ever wind up divorced- otherwise, why go through it? And prenups seem unnecessary when everyone is happy and the sun is shining and you are in LOVE. But, when the rainclouds form, and someone has an affair, develops a substance abuse issue, families get in the middle of it all, or another calamity, that prenup is going to protect everyone. Plus, its one less thing to fight about if you are divorcing. Greed is a human condition, and under stress, it can be another partner in the divorce. And, if he has a child who is going to have a child, that alone is enough stress to make even the most tranquil relastionship suffer......Go for the prenup- even the most basic will give you protection for the things you've already acquired- your house, stocks, etc- in your name alone.......
 
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richlag
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September 30, 2005, 12:47 am PDT

full-time mother

Quote From: renagade

Your arguing about money is because you don't have any.  Did the two of you REALLY make a concious decision or was there hesitancy on either of your parts.  Sounds like this was done without really realizing the impact that would ensue.   You don't cut a life line that is needed.  When you can't pay for essentials - then that is proof that it was a Bad decision. 

  

My advice is too sit down look at the entire situation, and then get a full time job - maybe a different shift - so one parent is always home. 

I disagree.  The mom may want to be a full-time mother, and there is nothing wrong with it.  I think the family needs to look at the expenses, the outflow.   I myself am a single parent, and I think people's priorities need to be adjusted.  Birthdays and holidays can still be meaningful and yet kept simple.  For my daughter's last birthday party, she and I baked a cake.  She invited a few of her friends, and we had ice cream and cake.  Some of her friends stayed over for a sleepover.  It didn't cost very much, and it was very memorable for her.   I go to Goodwill and Salvation Army for clothes and basic household necessities.  If one keeps one's lifestyle simple and extranganzas to a minimum, money shouldn't be a problem.   I make half of what some of my friends make, but I am able to save for my daughter's college fund, something my friends are unable to do.  It is very destructive to be arguing about money in front of the children.  There is a lot of useful financial advice and tips in Dr. Phil's website.
 
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queentween
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October 1, 2005, 5:33 am PDT

Outflow of money....

Quote From: richlag

I disagree.  The mom may want to be a full-time mother, and there is nothing wrong with it.  I think the family needs to look at the expenses, the outflow.   I myself am a single parent, and I think people's priorities need to be adjusted.  Birthdays and holidays can still be meaningful and yet kept simple.  For my daughter's last birthday party, she and I baked a cake.  She invited a few of her friends, and we had ice cream and cake.  Some of her friends stayed over for a sleepover.  It didn't cost very much, and it was very memorable for her.   I go to Goodwill and Salvation Army for clothes and basic household necessities.  If one keeps one's lifestyle simple and extranganzas to a minimum, money shouldn't be a problem.   I make half of what some of my friends make, but I am able to save for my daughter's college fund, something my friends are unable to do.  It is very destructive to be arguing about money in front of the children.  There is a lot of useful financial advice and tips in Dr. Phil's website.
You are so right! Time is what matters. My kids and I make snacks for the preschool class- even something as simple as that can be inexpensive and a fun, learning experience. For exmaple, yesterday we made ice cream cone cakes- cakes baked in cones- my kids LOVED making them and the kids LOVED eating them- total cost for snacks for 20 kids? $2.25. Time spent? probably 2 hours of laughs.  SImple lifestyles do not have to be sacrificial.  And, placing too high a value on money is bad for the kids. We spend a lot of time painting, doing play doh, beading, drawing instead of shopping......
 
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thompson23
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October 1, 2005, 6:57 pm PDT

newlyweds ; buy or rent?

Should newlyweds buy or rent? 

My spouse is wanting to buy a home(his dad's rental home...next door to his dad..) 

. I am wanting to rent a house or an apartment, for privacy and finanical reasons. 

Buying a home you have to have a down payment ,title fees, etc etc.  

We don't have perfert credit and I don't think now is the time. He thinks 

renting is throwing money away. I agree but disagree. You throw money 

away on taxes,interest and the such. But renting we could save money 

for the down payment,work on our credit for a better rate, and spend time 

finding out what we really want.  

  

He wants to buy period. I listened to him; and he listened to me. He says 

we'll rent because I won't give up, basically. I want a decision based on each' 

other not just him or me. I think we should make responsible decisions together. 

I'm not saying renting forever. Maybe a year or so. To get things going.  And understand 

more about where,how big,the financial part, and so on.  

  

We are living in one of his dad's rental places. His dad is next door,literally. And it drives 

me insane. Am I wrong for wanting a private place away from in-laws? His dad has his own 

business as a backhoe operator. He is constantly calling and beating our door down 

wanting him to help him on sat. and sun. And before he goes to work. We don't pay his 

father rent. I think we shouldn't have to but its not my place to say, i understand that. 

 My family values are different,though. 

I think working sun up to sun down isn't a way to lead a family. I don't want to do business with 

his family. Family and business don't work. Plus, He's next door! He knows what and when we do things. Besides, His dad doesn't know whether we can 

buy this place or not. One day we can ...next day we cant. 

I want to move. And my husband doen't want to unless we can buy. Am i wrong 

for thinking this way? 

  
 
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jettav
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October 1, 2005, 10:26 pm PDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: thompson23

Should newlyweds buy or rent? 

My spouse is wanting to buy a home(his dad's rental home...next door to his dad..) 

. I am wanting to rent a house or an apartment, for privacy and finanical reasons. 

Buying a home you have to have a down payment ,title fees, etc etc.  

We don't have perfert credit and I don't think now is the time. He thinks 

renting is throwing money away. I agree but disagree. You throw money 

away on taxes,interest and the such. But renting we could save money 

for the down payment,work on our credit for a better rate, and spend time 

finding out what we really want.  

  

He wants to buy period. I listened to him; and he listened to me. He says 

we'll rent because I won't give up, basically. I want a decision based on each' 

other not just him or me. I think we should make responsible decisions together. 

I'm not saying renting forever. Maybe a year or so. To get things going.  And understand 

more about where,how big,the financial part, and so on.  

  

We are living in one of his dad's rental places. His dad is next door,literally. And it drives 

me insane. Am I wrong for wanting a private place away from in-laws? His dad has his own 

business as a backhoe operator. He is constantly calling and beating our door down 

wanting him to help him on sat. and sun. And before he goes to work. We don't pay his 

father rent. I think we shouldn't have to but its not my place to say, i understand that. 

 My family values are different,though. 

I think working sun up to sun down isn't a way to lead a family. I don't want to do business with 

his family. Family and business don't work. Plus, He's next door! He knows what and when we do things. Besides, His dad doesn't know whether we can 

buy this place or not. One day we can ...next day we cant. 

I want to move. And my husband doen't want to unless we can buy. Am i wrong 

for thinking this way? 

  

I am sure you both have good arguements and you just need to learn to make compromisesa s well. I think there are actually pros and cons to this issue and maybe one way you can figure this out is to sit down together and discuss it maturely, both of you on seperate peieces of paper write down pros and cons that you can think of then when you are done, combine your lists and compare them. discuss the result and see what you come up with. Some of the pros in buying a home is that you can do whatever you want with it, when you want and how you want, it is something that will be yours in the end. some cons with buying is that you have to do everything your self as far as repairs and mowing the lawn, if you don't mow, you would probably have to pay some one to do it. as far as renting, you would actually be paying some one elses mortgage and if any damage would happen, you could get sued or pay for the damage. yea, you may have to pay for some damage with in your own home but at least it was yours and not some one elses. the good side to renting, depending on where you are at, lawn work may not be up to you and the land lord usually will pay for repairs depending on what it is, of course this all depends on who you are renting from. what ever the case, look at every aspect of it together. Do some shopping around before making a decission and discuss future goals and reasoning for making certain choices. work together and don't make a move til you are both in agrement. personally, it sounds to me like the only way you are going to get away from the inlaws is to compromise in that direction, agree to buy but not the home that belongs to the inlaws. as far as business with the family, if your husband wants to work with his father thenhe needs to set boundaries and set prorities just like any other job, again, sit down and work together on the decissions, afterall you are married and marriage is a partnership. as far as credit, if you miss rent, it too can go on your credit record. yea, there are fees, but once those are paid, you just have house payment and where I live it cost just as much to rent a decent apartment as it does to buy and I am in a decent part of town. so in summary, work together and shop around before making a decission. figure out what would be the best investment for you as a couple and it doesn't mean just money wise, how would buying a home or renting benefit you the most, which one has the most positive when ot comes to meeting both of your needs? this has to be discussed and agreed upon by both of you and it will take some compromising probably on both sides.
 
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