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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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October 17, 2007, 10:15 am CDT

hi

Quote From: bluesgals

  I am a mother of an 11 year old and a 19 month old daughter.  I am a stay at home mom.  I also have been on treatment for depression and panic disorder.  My problem is that when I hit my depression...I tend to write checks that i forget to put in our register.  This has happened continually for the last 3 months resulting in 1000.00 worth of debts.  My husband has gave me two options.....  Either get a job  or our marriage is basically over.  I love my husband with all my heart and soul.  But I love my kids more.

 He thinks I am being selfish by not wanting to work...  But I have not had a job in almost 15 years.  Any entry level job I could get would only be to pay a sitter to sit with the baby.  Am I really the one being selfish??

 Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you

How are you my sister dear, I appreciate the strength of your make up and the extent of your love for your husband and your children have told you you suffer from a disease of depression and panic Adzerbat you know that I passed the psychological conditions were difficult will lead you to insanity, but because you are strong and you have a strong personality able to withstand I said you suffer from a disease oblivion saluting you write checks and Tenseen all these things and not revert back Bdal and moving forward about to be strong because I know you are strong, you suggested that exiting the field and intra help your husband and the girl and improve conditions Aick you and your husband and the girl the best and you shall be returned as the first Laden and when you can sit at home because you are tired your husband to pay the debt and should give it the aid of his wife loves you and help you to the present tried to give him assistance also
 
October 30, 2007, 6:45 am CDT

Spending like crazy

To start from the beginning, my husband was laid off this year from his job until further notice. He is a part of the big three, so therefore he gets a paycheck, just not as much as he used to. We bought a house last year, so as any middleclass family we have to work on a budget.

Shortly after he was laid off, I seen him looking at motorcycles. I begged him to stop looking and wait till we have other bills paid off till we even consider that. Needless to say he went out and did it anyways. Instead of this being a joint decision, he decided I would say no anyway and he wanted it.

This lead to several fights for several weeks till I decided to seperate our checking account. With keeping in mind that we still are a team, we still need to save together but that the little spending we would not argue over anymore. Not too mention I was not paying the note on the bike.

He has since been working with a buddy of his for the time being. This is not stable, just something to help us out. Yesterday I just found out that he purchased a 2,000 dollar computer that we do not need. Once again without discussing it with me. I did not even see this coming. I am livid to think that I am not included, or that my opinion does not matter. That our marriage lacks communication that I find to be very important.

Of course this is my fault and I am accused of being controlling. But within good reason do we need to be carefull with our money and spend wisely. Save smart.

Any advice or good counselors would be greatly appreciated. I am beyond frustrated to the point where I have though about leaving.

 
November 9, 2007, 4:51 pm CST

Arguing Over Money

I need anyadvice on what to do about my husbands bad spending habits. My husband ani have been married for almost five years. We are still very young both 23. He is in the army and i am a stay at home mom with a two year old daughter.  As i said my husband is int he army and lets just say is not paid very much at all!! Bu tI do have to say for our age we are not doing bad but could be doing so much better if he would learn to save and not spend everything.  The funny thing is money was the one thing we never fought about now i just want to choke him! He has put us in credit card debt to the sum of about 12,000 dollars (some may say thats not that much but when you only make 38,000 a yr thats alot). He recently purchesed a bran new 26,000 dollar truck that we did not need ecspecially since we just got our car paid of and we were finally gonna have some extra money. So after all our bills are paid every month we only have 200 dollars left. We had 3,000 dollars in saving and he did a one year tour in Korea and blew it all and has nothing to show for it. His spending habit were getting so bad that he was neglecting to pay bills so he would have more money to spend. I finally had a sit down with and we decided to have seperate accounts and i would have all the money for the bills in my account to make sure they got paid. I thought this would work and i could get us caught up and start tryign to save but all he did was create new debt. i just dont know what to do anymore. i understand that he works very hard for his money and would like to treat himself as would I.  I am just thinking about the future. Any ideas one what i can do?
 
November 13, 2007, 10:23 am CST

You've got to be kidding!

Quote From: saxxyman

      I'm in my 4th marriage, and finally did it for the right reasons (love). In past marriages, I've probably been faced with nearly every possible scenario. Prior to getting married, my wife and I discussed our needs and fears about marriage. We were both understanding and compromising to solve those worries. Now after the fact, I feel somewhat betrayed, but question myself if I am truly being fair due to the unique problem. I feel as if I am in a no win situation, which has left me completely frustrated and becoming bitter. I always had the philosophy that there is a solution to every problem. The problem is the only solution appears to be divorce. My wife has an uncle that is bed ridden, which lives with her mother. Her mother made a deal with my wife, if she would quit her job and come home to help, then her bills would be taken care of. I met my wife several years after this. I agreed when we married she could go help when she was need . (Two hour trip one way) She also had worries of neglect to our marriage because of this. My only worries were being able to make it financially. I can easily make it on my own, and I can not afford a Dependant. She said at the time she understood and would do what ever she had to do. Now 11 months into the marriage, history is proving that not to be the case. I have been buying all her needs that I can afford as well as going into debt and it is getting worse. I've talked several times about this and all she has to say is how it hurts her to feel like a burden and she is trying. She also throws up that I am not buying all her needs, and that her mother is also buying things ( in a not so nice tone of voice). Her defensiveness only irritates me as I need solutions not excuses.  I do not think a wife would put up with paying for everything and a husband sit at home. What really is making me bitter is what is making me go in the hole every month. Taking care of a cat, her cigarettes, and gas money to and from her mother's is sinking us fast. Two of those are not necessities and the other should be her mother's responsibility. What ever the case it is not working. Waiting two years or more if ever for home courses in medical transcription to pay off , does nothing about today. Please help! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

You should not have to go in debt.  If you can't afford something, fix the problem.  Someone needs to

earn more money or you have to kid rid of somethings.  If she cant afford a cat or cigs, she should

get rid of them.  You shouldn't have to carry the load!  It is suppose to be a partnership!  She needs to

carry her part of the load and stop using you!  Let her read this and she can see how another female

feels so she cant make you the "guilty" one!

 
November 13, 2007, 11:00 am CST

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: saxxyman

      I'm in my 4th marriage, and finally did it for the right reasons (love). In past marriages, I've probably been faced with nearly every possible scenario. Prior to getting married, my wife and I discussed our needs and fears about marriage. We were both understanding and compromising to solve those worries. Now after the fact, I feel somewhat betrayed, but question myself if I am truly being fair due to the unique problem. I feel as if I am in a no win situation, which has left me completely frustrated and becoming bitter. I always had the philosophy that there is a solution to every problem. The problem is the only solution appears to be divorce. My wife has an uncle that is bed ridden, which lives with her mother. Her mother made a deal with my wife, if she would quit her job and come home to help, then her bills would be taken care of. I met my wife several years after this. I agreed when we married she could go help when she was need . (Two hour trip one way) She also had worries of neglect to our marriage because of this. My only worries were being able to make it financially. I can easily make it on my own, and I can not afford a Dependant. She said at the time she understood and would do what ever she had to do. Now 11 months into the marriage, history is proving that not to be the case. I have been buying all her needs that I can afford as well as going into debt and it is getting worse. I've talked several times about this and all she has to say is how it hurts her to feel like a burden and she is trying. She also throws up that I am not buying all her needs, and that her mother is also buying things ( in a not so nice tone of voice). Her defensiveness only irritates me as I need solutions not excuses.  I do not think a wife would put up with paying for everything and a husband sit at home. What really is making me bitter is what is making me go in the hole every month. Taking care of a cat, her cigarettes, and gas money to and from her mother's is sinking us fast. Two of those are not necessities and the other should be her mother's responsibility. What ever the case it is not working. Waiting two years or more if ever for home courses in medical transcription to pay off , does nothing about today. Please help! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
I am no expert and am having my own money issues with my husband but i do have an idea for you. I think maybe you should talk to her about getting any kind of part time job. That way she can have money to pay for gas to help out with her family and money for her own. And that way she can still  have time to help out her family on her days off.  Just explain to her that you have no problem taking care of her but that you feel like it should be with in your means and when you are racking up debt doing so its not fare to either of you.
 
November 16, 2007, 7:50 am CST

Get the job you want

I am an employer. We receive hundreds of applications per week and I have noticed that many people don't know how to apply for a job. I have spoken with numerous people and asked them what they do to get a job...the answers were suprising. I realized that most people really don't know what to do or what not to do, or even how to start looking for a job. I have written an article about just that..."what to do and what not to do to get the job you want". It is very lengthy, so I did not put it here. If you or someone you know is unemployed check out   www.freewebs.com/dineroexpress/  I am sure this article will help anyone obtain the job they want.

 
November 25, 2007, 7:56 pm CST

arguing over money

hi dr phil, can you please help me if you can

here is my story

i have been marrier almost nine years to my husband, we have three children togheter. my live is becaming more frustrated, currently i am unemployed and financially dependent on him. and i have to ask him every thing that i need for his premission. i don't know what to do or not do, i always think about getting divorce then my delema is what to do with the kids, financially a can't take care my kids and i can't leave them also; i waste alott of my time and energy thinking what to do. i am so resenftull about him.

 

would you please help me if you can thanks.

 

sincerlly

saaraa

 
December 4, 2007, 2:49 pm CST

Am I doing enough?

Here's my problem:

I am a 27 y.o. married physical therapist with 2 kids.  My wife is a stay at home mom.  When I graduated from P.T. school, my wife had no college.  

In January of this year my wife began cosmotology school in a very expensive school about an hour from our home.  I am working during the day and she is staying home with the kids, and when I get home she leaves and goes to school in the evening, from 5-10, and I stay with the kids.  It is costing $600/month for her tuition, plus we payed $1600 when she started school for supplies, and she will still have ~$6000 in student loans when she graduates in July from an 18 month program. 

We have been able to live relatively comfortably on my salary despite paying the $600.  But we are also spending ~ $60/wk on her gas which brings the total for her school to ~ $840/month. And now that Christmas is just around the corner, money is tight.  As I said before I have 2 kids, a 3 year old boy and 4 year old girl.  Last week my wife told me that she wants a $250 make up case for Christmas.  I am stressed to the max, because we haven't even begun to buy gifts for our kids yet. 

I work hard.  I bring home an average of $1500/wk after taxes and insurance.  I come home every day and cook my kids' dinner and take them to their extracurricular classes in the evening and often take them to play, etc in the evening.  My wife and kids have all new clothes, I wear the same three pairs of khaki pants every day, and my work shoes are a year and a half old. 

I am getting extremely frustrated with my wife because I come home and the house is never clean.  She stays home all day, yet I never have clean clothes.  There is always a huge pile of dirty clothes in the middle of my bedroom.   She will complete 1 or 2 chores over the course of an entire day, i.e. wash the dishes and vaccuum the den. 

Today I told her that I don't feel appreciated.  I told her that I sacrifice a lot for her to go to school.  Her reply was the same as always... "I'm going to school so we'll have more in the future."  Which I know is true, but I also feel like I want some appreciation NOW.  She thinks that just because she will be contributing to our income in the future, that compensates for what I am sacrificing now. 

Maybe I am wrong.  If you think I am, that's fine, tell me how you feel.  To be honest, I don't know what I'm looking for here.  I just think that as much as I am paying financially, and as much as I am giving otherwise, that should be enough.  I think I'm just stressed because Christmas is coming up.  Please give me some input.  Thanks!

 
December 24, 2007, 6:57 am CST

Husband Thinks I'm Being Mean Over Money

My husband and I have been married a little over two years.  In May, he quit his job of nearly 25 years because it was too stressful.  At the time, he got a part time job in a temporary position which only lasted a few months.

 

Now when I even mention anything to my husband about getting work, he gets defensive and says I'm being mean.  I've only said something twice in the last three months but my husband says my body language says something every day.

 

We don't have good health insurance because we can't afford it, we don't have a nice vehicle or money in the bank, we don't take vacations and we even opted out of celebrating Christmas this year because of a lack of money.  I'm even paying the bills (credit card) from my husband's last marriage.

 

I told my husband I can't go on living like this and he is very upset with me.  Help, what should I do?

 
December 26, 2007, 3:40 pm CST

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: carefulnow

My husband and I have been married a little over two years.  In May, he quit his job of nearly 25 years because it was too stressful.  At the time, he got a part time job in a temporary position which only lasted a few months.

 

Now when I even mention anything to my husband about getting work, he gets defensive and says I'm being mean.  I've only said something twice in the last three months but my husband says my body language says something every day.

 

We don't have good health insurance because we can't afford it, we don't have a nice vehicle or money in the bank, we don't take vacations and we even opted out of celebrating Christmas this year because of a lack of money.  I'm even paying the bills (credit card) from my husband's last marriage.

 

I told my husband I can't go on living like this and he is very upset with me.  Help, what should I do?

You need to sit him down and just lay it all out for him.  Let him know where y'all stand financially (all credit cards, utilities, gas, groceries, cable, internet, etc).  He needs to know what bills there are, amount due and when they are due.  If you are behind on anything he needs to know.  Let him know that you are also concerned about medical insurance and you would like to establish an emergency savings account of $1000 until all debts are paid.  After that, you want to save for retirement.

 

Do not blame him or anything because he'll just shut down and not hear you.  Sounds like he is going thru some sort of toddler stage and you know how 2 year olds can be.  Have a solution ready and tell him what it is.  For example:  Honey, we can't pay the bills we have and I can't get anymore overtime at work.  Therefore, you are going to have to bring home an income for us to make ends meet.  You will need to bring home a minimum of x amout of dollars.  If you bring home 2x then we can pay off these debts faster and retire sooner.

 

Don't tell him what job to get or anything - let him do all that on his own (gives him a sense of control and power).  Remember, right now he is going thru something and needs your support.  Be careful of your body language and let him know you are here to support him no matter what.  You said he worked at one job for 25 years and quit due to stress so we can rule out "deadbeat".  Be supportive but firm. 

 

Good Luck - I hope things work out for the best.  

 
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