Topic : Arguing Over Money

Here's my problem:

I am a 27 y.o. married physical therapist with 2 kids.  My wife is a stay at home mom.  When I graduated from P.T. school, my wife had no college.  

In January of this year my wife began cosmotology school in a very expensive school about an hour from our home.  I am working during the day and she is staying home with the kids, and when I get home she leaves and goes to school in the evening, from 5-10, and I stay with the kids.  It is costing $600/month for her tuition, plus we payed $1600 when she started school for supplies, and she will still have ~$6000 in student loans when she graduates in July from an 18 month program. 

We have been able to live relatively comfortably on my salary despite paying the $600.  But we are also spending ~ $60/wk on her gas which brings the total for her school to ~ $840/month. And now that Christmas is just around the corner, money is tight.  As I said before I have 2 kids, a 3 year old boy and 4 year old girl.  Last week my wife told me that she wants a $250 make up case for Christmas.  I am stressed to the max, because we haven't even begun to buy gifts for our kids yet. 

I work hard.  I bring home an average of $1500/wk after taxes and insurance.  I come home every day and cook my kids' dinner and take them to their extracurricular classes in the evening and often take them to play, etc in the evening.  My wife and kids have all new clothes, I wear the same three pairs of khaki pants every day, and my work shoes are a year and a half old. 

I am getting extremely frustrated with my wife because I come home and the house is never clean.  She stays home all day, yet I never have clean clothes.  There is always a huge pile of dirty clothes in the middle of my bedroom.   She will complete 1 or 2 chores over the course of an entire day, i.e. wash the dishes and vaccuum the den. 

Today I told her that I don't feel appreciated.  I told her that I sacrifice a lot for her to go to school.  Her reply was the same as always... "I'm going to school so we'll have more in the future."  Which I know is true, but I also feel like I want some appreciation NOW.  She thinks that just because she will be contributing to our income in the future, that compensates for what I am sacrificing now. 

Maybe I am wrong.  If you think I am, that's fine, tell me how you feel.  To be honest, I don't know what I'm looking for here.  I just think that as much as I am paying financially, and as much as I am giving otherwise, that should be enough.  I think I'm just stressed because Christmas is coming up.  Please give me some input.  Thanks!

My husband and I have been married a little over two years.  In May, he quit his job of nearly 25 years because it was too stressful.  At the time, he got a part time job in a temporary position which only lasted a few months.

 

Now when I even mention anything to my husband about getting work, he gets defensive and says I'm being mean.  I've only said something twice in the last three months but my husband says my body language says something every day.

 

We don't have good health insurance because we can't afford it, we don't have a nice vehicle or money in the bank, we don't take vacations and we even opted out of celebrating Christmas this year because of a lack of money.  I'm even paying the bills (credit card) from my husband's last marriage.

 

I told my husband I can't go on living like this and he is very upset with me.  Help, what should I do?

You need to sit him down and just lay it all out for him.  Let him know where y'all stand financially (all credit cards, utilities, gas, groceries, cable, internet, etc).  He needs to know what bills there are, amount due and when they are due.  If you are behind on anything he needs to know.  Let him know that you are also concerned about medical insurance and you would like to establish an emergency savings account of $1000 until all debts are paid.  After that, you want to save for retirement.

 

Do not blame him or anything because he'll just shut down and not hear you.  Sounds like he is going thru some sort of toddler stage and you know how 2 year olds can be.  Have a solution ready and tell him what it is.  For example:  Honey, we can't pay the bills we have and I can't get anymore overtime at work.  Therefore, you are going to have to bring home an income for us to make ends meet.  You will need to bring home a minimum of x amout of dollars.  If you bring home 2x then we can pay off these debts faster and retire sooner.

 

Don't tell him what job to get or anything - let him do all that on his own (gives him a sense of control and power).  Remember, right now he is going thru something and needs your support.  Be careful of your body language and let him know you are here to support him no matter what.  You said he worked at one job for 25 years and quit due to stress so we can rule out "deadbeat".  Be supportive but firm. 

 

Good Luck - I hope things work out for the best.  

My husband and I are on both on our second marriages and will celebrate our 6th anniversary on Jan 1st.  When we first married, we had similar incomes.  Since that time, my income has doubled and we decided together that he could resign from his position of 20 years working with the airlines to fulfill his dream of being a golf professional.  However, his dream job turned into a part time job for him with a gross income of $14,000 and our combinded income is now less than our total income was before.  My husband has had no income for the past three months and we are taking money out of our savings to pay bills.  He started working for a car dealership yesterday as our savings are depleted and is not happy with his new working environment. 

I have worked very hard all my life and have never had financial security.  I feel like he is using my income to relax and isn't taking opportunities available to him because he feels I am making enough money.  This is causing an incredible amount of friction between us.

Thank you

Dr. Phil, please help settle a dispute between me and my husband.  My father-in-law passed away 2 years ago this week.  The problem came when my mother-in-law moved her boyfriend in with her the day after we buried my father-in-law.  Everyone else in the family has moved on and  gotten past it.  They got married one month after my father-in-law passed away.  My husband and  I have been married for 16 years and lived on his family's property, we have our own house but not the land.  Now, my mother-in-law wants to give my husband and our two kids property but does not want to include me.  She did not even acknowledge that I live in our home.  She is a very selfish and hateful person.  She has talked very bad about me and my husband but she plays him against me and he doesn't want to see what his mother does.  I cannot stand  his mother and i am left out of everything because my husband thinks that i will say something out of the way to his mother.  I doubt I will ever be able to get along with this woman and there are penty of more things that she has done.  This is just the most recent.  Please help I feel like I am about to explode.

You are doing more than your fare share of the work-earning a living, paying for her tuition and taking care of the kids. I can see your frustration, she has to do so little to show some appreciation. If she won't discuss and negotiate, work out a budget that you will stick with, cut some things out of the budget like new clothes and hire a person to come in an clean while you and the kids are spending qualitiy time together, you sound like a great dad. I understand what she' s working for here-what the goal is for your family but she needs to give, if she's home all day she needs to at least do some housework, wash YOUR clothes in appreciation for your hard work and sacrifice. The bitterness and resentment will grow until you can get her to sit down and talk this all over, if she doesn't or won't, your the breadwinner-take money matters into your own hands. Don't stop paying for her tuition cause that will benefit you both in the long run, but she could work during the day while the kids are in school. Good Luck

Hello DR. Phil
 all we do I fight over money I had never been married before my husband had. I believe I share all my money in fact it's gone & when my money is gone he asks where did it go & I have to show receipts & his money he don't want to give me . He makes allot more then I & I come home with 3Hun & he comes home with 2thous every two weeks . not hard to get . I might pay one bill & then he pays the most & I give him money when he don't' have any & when it comes time for him to give to me ,well he gets mad *& says what did you do with yours I say well I bought this & gave you that & so on & he has 2Hun left & doesn't even want to give me 50$ . Dr. Phil what do I do ? Kimberly

 Dear Dr. Phil,

I was in college when I met my future husband.  Before we got married, I supported him financially so he could pursue his dream of being a high school baseball coach.  I had the job, paid all the bills, etc, while he volunteered coach to get his "foot in the door".  We never talked about money when we dated, I just took care of it all knowing that he would get a teaching job and we would be fine.  He also told me that when we had kids, I could be a stay-at-home mom (which is what I wanted to be whenever I had kids).  We both became teachers and taught for a few years before we started having children.  I did not continue teaching after our first child was born and cleaned homes, offices and did whatever it took to be able to be at home with my child.  Our second child was born while I was still cleaning offices during the week and weekends.  Then our third child was born.  I went back into teaching two years ago but have had as many as 4 jobs, at a time, trying to make ends meet, while raising my three small children.  My husband is still a teacher and coaches year round and has refused to help me financially by getting an additional job in the summer.  We have 4+ years of debt and even with us both teaching full-time, our take-home pay doesn't even make our monthly bills.  I have been to lots of financial websites and have looked at our budget over and over to try to make things better.  We have a basic phone line, no tv, higher deductibles on insurance, we eat out maybe once or twice a month and that would be ordering pizza.  We don't go to movies, the zoo, or any kind of family activities like that, we don't have babysitters.  I got a job teaching aerobics at the YMCA in another town so my kids can play on a basketball league at a discount. The kids and I do crafts, dance to music and play outside for fun.  I don't shop, my mom and dad by the kids clothes.  We don't buy things at the vending machines, I buy healthy foods not junk. I have no clue as to how to make ends meet.  I can't see outside this box anymore.  How can I get out of debt when our income isn't even enough to meet our basic needs?  I would love and appreciate any thoughts, comments, and ideas!

Well, you both have a College education and I'm sure you already know there are only three ways to get out of the situation you are in:

(1) Reduce your Living Expenses.

(2) Increase your Income.

(3) A combination of BOTH.

 

You appear to have cut much of your living expenses and still are not able to make ends meet. That leads me to believe you have a major expense somewhere that is "bleeding" you dry. (In other words....you are NOT living within your means.) You need to find out where that bleeding is coming from and CHANGE it!! Your post does not give enough information to really tell you where your BIG problem is. Either your Mortgage payment is too big, you have new Cars with high payments, you have Medical debt you are trying to pay off, or (heaven forbid) you have very high Credit Card debt. IF......your Mortgage is more than you can honestly afford......sell and downsize, IF......your Car payments are too high.....sell one or both (even if you are upside down on the loans).....and buy what you can honestly afford. IF.....you have Medical debt and/or Credit Card debt.......develop an aggressive plan to pay them off. Pay the "smallest" debt first by paying as much as possible per month and pay minimum on the other. When you get the smallest debt paid.....add the amount you were paying on it to the second debt and get it paid off. Need I tell you to STOP using the Credit Cards??

 

It appears that YOU are the one who manages the financial affairs, so you need to set up a budget....Income ......Expenses and each week you sit down with your husband and "agree" on a weekly budget. HE needs to know and understand where the money is going. It's his life too and to ignore it will eventually catch up with your Family......if he understands the budget he can't blame it ALL on you!!

 

 Thanks for your reply.   Our vehicles are paid off and our mortgage is affordable.  We do have major credit card debt, but it is not from buying things we shouldn't buy.  It is from food, diapers, etc (mostly Walmart items) and some doctor's visits.  I have been trying to be aggressive but it seems like once I send it my payment, I turn around and someone needs something for school or it's time for the grocery store or gas prices went up.  I travel to work each day so our gasoline bill is around $400 a month.  When I sit down and write out expenses and income in columns, we run out of money before I get to the end of our basic bills.  My husband teaches and coaches year round, so him getting another job in addition to what he has is not an option.  I teach also, and do work on the side when I can, but we have 3 small children also.  I have been struggling with our finances for 9 years!  Not sure where to go from here.  I will continue to be as aggressive as I can with payments.  Let me know if I am completely missing something.