Topic : Arguing Over Money

     I have been dating a man I am so in love with for 5 years.  Three years ago he asked me and my children to move from our home in Missouri to join him in Texas.  I agreed and so packed up sold my home and moved into his home.  A year later he proposed to me.  The only problem for me is that he doesn't want to share financies.  He doesn't want my name on the house even if where married.  No joint bank acounts and bills split, cars, etc. are yours and mine.  I am expected to pay most of the bills its like a 70/30 thing when he makes more money than I do.  I don't mind compromising but tell me what is fair.  What is a solution that is fair.  I don't even know where to to go with the money thing and I feel that i can't be married if it is not settled.  Any suggestions?

JENNAIR93.........Obviously you are going to marry this guy no matter what anyone says. You call him the "love of your life" so here are my suggestions.

 

Get him to sit down with you and discuss all your expenses......utilities, car payments, loan payments, credit card payments, etc., and come up with a plan that is fair for both of you. This is not the first marriage for either of you, otherwise I would tell you that "marriage" is the merging of two people into one and everything should be shared as one. After the first marriage fails, often people are reluctant to share many things thinking they will loose them in a divorce. YOU are right to be very concerned about finances, as Dr. Phil would tell you......finances are the major cause for most divorces today!!

 

He does not want to put your name on the Title to his home even after you are married......therefore HE should pay all the expenses for the home.....ie......Mortgage payment, Insurance, Taxes, lawn mowing, and any repairs/improvements made. He may want HIS family to inherit the home, which is fair enough but the expenses should be all on him.

 

Since he makes more money than you do, the expenses should be paid in proportion to incomes. IF you make a third less than he does.......the bills should be paid accordingly. I see that you have two sons which HE probably wants you to be totally responsible for. YOU may bear the majority of their care but HE still should see to it that they have Health Care, Dental Care, Eye Care and should also contribute some money toward their College education. HE ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM!!!  To ask YOU to pay MOST of the bills should be raising a RED FLAG to YOU. If he refuses to sit down with you and work out a FAIR PLAN that each of you can live with......that should raise even more Red Flags to you and you need to realize the reality of the kind of life you will have with this man. Can you live with that???

My husband who is making 125,000.  Was just laid off the day he came back from our vacation.  I was shocked.  When my husband asked why they waited until after vacation to tell him the president said "we wanted you to enjoy your vacation".  Is this guy a moron?  We could have save 5000.00. My husband is depressed.  Thank god I run a business and make money because we would be screwed.  California's economy is awful and now the senate and reps wanted to raise our taxes.  Are these people kidding me?

We pay 35% in federal, fica, social security taxes, plus we pay 11% in state taxes. Our sales tax are another 8.75% we pay property taxes which are 2500.00 a year, We just got our car registration that was another 355.00 plus my landrover 170.00 due soon.  Our cable, gas tax of 1.50 per gallon, our phone tax which is another 2% or direct tv another 2.5%  Taxes on soda another 5% on top of sales tax.  I am tired of taxes.  America if you want to know why you can't make ends meat  it is because we pay too many taxes in this country.  I am an independant and want to pay my fair share but when our government take 60-70% of my income in taxes I resent it.  I don't get any welfare, medical, or anything else but I am paying for it and With DC reps and state reps doing little to help us middle income earners out I am tired of it.  It is nothing just rhetoric.  And Obama is wanting to raise out taxes even more.  I am fed up with this country.  We were a nation who took pride in freedom or speach, religion, and ability to pursue happiness. I am not happy when I have to work my tail off to cover the expenses our governemnt has incured with little benifit to the average american.  Grass roots Americans need to stand up and say no more taxes.  With our deficit of 300 trillion this year we have a horrible legacy to give our kids.  Our government is bailing out corporate crooks and we are fitting the bill.  We have to pay taxes to fund these bail outs and then lose 500 million in our savings become of corruption.  This is not fair to us middle class.  Ron Paul made most sense. Our government should be able to oporate optimaly on 10% total of our earning.  But instead they squander 60% of Americans taxes and still owe billions more and look to tax more.  PLEASE I URGE AMERICANS TO RALLY TO STOP THE EXCESSIVE TAXES. THIS IS WHAT IS HURTING US. 

         Well I think you for your response it has put some things in perspective but I do have another question for about the house.  If he is not going to put my name on it and is repsonable for all the repairs, improvements, and etc. then how am I ever to have a decision in anything in the house and if he doesn't want to IE decorate it, add a porch, or make any improvements to it what am I to do, get my own house.   Again Thank you for your response it has really helped.

My daughter is in her late forty's and has been divorced twice. Her last divorce was very bitter and her (now ex) fought her for everything. They did own a home and my daughters name was on the Title so the Real Estate Laws governed the sale of the home and stated that she get 50% of the profit......that was a blessing for her. During the process of the divorce......we (my wife and I) bought her a home that she liked and when the divorce was final and the "bum" of an ex could no longer attach anything.....we sold her the home for exactly what we paid. MORAL of the story is this......she now has a live-in boyfriend and they have been talking about getting married.....which is her decision......however we have told her that his name should NOT be placed on the TITLE. He has absolutely no money invested in the home.....she has a Son that is 25 years old......and if the marriage doesn't work.....HE can leave, she and our grandson still have a roof over their head. If anything should happen to her.....the Grandson should get the home.

 

O.K. ......that said.......you asked about decorating, home improvement and such. Basically, as any wife would do, you SUGGEST things to him and point out that improvements almost always "increase" the value of a home. Decorating (if you're good at it) make a house a "home" and anyone should appreciate a well decorated home. (My wife is great at decorating.....just wanted to throw that in) Two rooms that will bring the best "return" on investment are the Bathroom and the Kitchen. They are also the most expensive to improve so it helps if you or your husband are a good handyman. Just be careful not to "overdo" the improvement.......always think about resale.......would a potential buyer like it ???

 

AND THEN.......as a last resort......if you want.......lets say a back porch/deck......and he just absolutely refuses to pay.........and you really want it for your own satisfaction......YOU pay for it. Of course you realize that you just "improved" HIS house and you will get nothing (but your pleasure) in return. Truthfully, wouldn't you think if this guy really loves you he would respect your suggestions since HE knows you would gain nothing if he agreed to your suggestions!!!!

MICHIYAMO.......consider yourself fortunate. You have a Masters Degree......plan to get a Doctorate.....have a husband who (when working) makes 125k.......and you're able to be a stay at home Mom with an education like you have......perhaps PRIVILEGED would be a better description. That isn't a BAD thing....just that most of America earns somewhere in the 36k area and economic times are very difficult at this point in time. So very many people are struggling just to make ends meet.

 

Actually, I agree with most of what you wrote.....not all.....but most. I am retired after working for more than 45 years and now I find that Uncle Sam wants part of my Social Security. Yep.......I pay Income Tax on a portion of my Social Security. If one makes over 34k per year they pay Taxes on a portion of their SS. Now...to me......that's GREED!!! Now dig this......in a couple more years ....Uncle Sam is going to tell me how much I MUST withdraw from my IRAs just so they can get their "fair share" of Tax money. So....if I don't need all they tell me I MUST withdraw......I can place the money in a "Taxable" Mutual Fund which means I must pay Taxes on that money a second time.......isn't that a GREAT idea??

 

Our Constitution states that this is a Government.......OF the PEOPLE, BY the PEOPLE and FOR the PEOPLE. That means ......the people own the Government.......not the other way around. We elect the persons we want to represent us. Unfortunately, people are becoming more isolated rather than uniting and that is the problem in my eyes. WE allow our Government to do what they do!!!

Well I wish I could feel bad for you but I can't. I have been married for 21 years and my husband has been disabled with Parkinson's Disease for at least 17 years. I have been the sole support except for his disability.

I had a great job, I don't have a college education but I worked at a company for 14 years and worked my rear off to get that salary. Due to the economy the company was sold and poof there went my good salary. Which even though it was a good salary we still lived check to check due to my hubby's disability. I immediately got another job, well it was much lower pay and I thought we'll get through it and we'll make it because I'll build my salary back up and get a second job. Well that put us further in debt because I had to drive 50 miles each way to work and I literally was working to pay for gas and repairs on the car  Then that company started having finanacial problems and now I find myself unemployed and instead of worrying about all the taxes you refer to, I worry if I can get to the food pantry.

I am at my wits end and can use some advice. I have been married to the most wonderful man for the past 8 years. He's worked in the same industry that whole time, in a steady, "normal" field. The problem is, he says he doesn't want to do his same career for the rest of his life. That's fine with me, but every other thing he comes off with is something that's very drastic financially! He wanted to open a business, go back to school to be a professor (taking out a full loan and ultimately, not making much in the end-oh, and we'd have to be open to moving just about anywhere). This last one is the worst, and it's come up before. He wants to quit his job, get a degree in music, and become a professional musician. Granted, he's studied it since he was a kid. Despite my persistant arguments, I know that even if he's the best musician in the world, a degree is not necessary. The bottom line is he wants to take out a loan, then end up with an unsteady job that probably won't pay much, and will involve horrible hours. He insists this is what he always wanted to do and everything else was just stuff he was looking into. How on earth can I handle this? It always leads to fights. I don't want to be a nagging wife, sound like a parent by saying "no" or breed resentment if I don't support this. But, I'm afraid I'll become resentful, and I hate how he sees no problem with putting our financial future on the line. Please-no judgements, just advice on how I can handle this. Thanks!

 

My wife and I have no kids, we are both professionals and are healthy...thank god. My wife is in the real estate business and did quite well for a few years while the housing market was booming. During this time and the present I have been working hard in my field making a good income. After the housing market crashed, and my wife being tired of working on weekends decided to quit her job which was no longer paying a good income and persue her own business in real estate helping people in foreclosure or sell off their properties. Since we had a good savings I supported her idea.

 

Here is the problem. It's now been almost two years where she has tried hard to make things work (working from home) but it appears that she is chasing the hot trend/buzz in real estate which is mostly hype and hasn't produced any benefit or income. In fact it's costing us money to support her business. In this tough market we have also been going through our savings and if we continue to not have a second income we could be in trouble in a year or two. I was intitially supportive of her trying out some ideas but after almost two years I think I have a right to question whether it's worth continuing but she is very stubborn and won't change paths or get a job.

 

At this point I feel she is cheating me and herself and has become comfortable working from home and not having to deliver results to anyone. Since we are in a situation where we need a second income I feel as though there should be no excuses to getting a paying job and trying to make her endeavers work part time until we are in a better finincial situation and can take on the risks and expense in persuing a business idea. She resists and won’t change her thinking. It’s beacome a greater problem for me knowing that our savings are dwindling when she can be helping out with the bills instead of creating more bills.

 

I’m not exactly ecstatic about my job but I go to work everyday and have done so all ove my adult life to make sure the bills get paid. I feel that she gave it a fair shot but since we have bills to pay it’s time to take a job that will help us stop going through our savings before nothing is left. If she wants to continue with he business then she is going to have to do it in her spare time and with the income she brings in from a normal job. I feel as though she is in a comfort  zone working from home and does not want to enter the workfoce and have to answer to someone.

 

I have tried talking to her but she won’t listen and insists that she should keep on this venture. I feel as though I have no choice but to get tough on this one…what do you think?

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately career changes are never easy especially when persuing something very different from what you do today. But your husband is unhappy with his current career and is in need of change. Are there any small steps you can start to take to make a change? Cut expenses? I think your husband has to be realistic too, maybe he can persue his interests in a profession that may utilize what he does today and music if that's possible.

 

I think your concerns are fair and he should be open to discussing a workable plan that you both can agree on. Maybe that means taking small steps at first in making change.

 

Money or Happiness?