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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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October 11, 2005, 6:48 am CDT

We argue over money...

Hi, my husband is not very stable at all!  We've only been married for two years, but within that time frame his whole life has changed.  He's quit nursing school and has had several jobs within our marriage and now makes a minimal wage.  I get so mad because I've done everything I said I was going to do and more!  He on the other hand has done nothing he said he was going to do. I get so mad and just want to take all his money for bills and then I feel so bad because I feel like I really should be paying more because I have more of the money right now.  I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think marrying him was a huge mistake and I feel taken for granted most of the time. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could go through a divorce or want the stigma associated with a divorce.  I know Dr. Phil says, "you might as well make the marriage you have work because it won't be any better with someone else", but I'm just so angry.  How can I get over the fact that my husband has let me down in his goals and career?  He told me a lot of things prior to getting married and now I haven't seen them become reality. I feel like he told me all those wonderful things just to get me to marry him and now he doesn't do anything he said he was going to do for me. I just
 
October 11, 2005, 6:51 am CDT

We argue over money...

Hi, my husband is not very stable at all!  We've only been married for two years, but within that time frame his whole life has changed.  He's quit nursing school and has had several jobs within our marriage and now makes a minimal wage.  I get so mad because I've done everything I said I was going to do and more!  He on the other hand has done nothing he said he was going to do. I get so mad and just want to take all his money for bills and then I feel so bad because I feel like I really should be paying more because I have more of the money right now.  I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think marrying him was a huge mistake and I feel taken for granted most of the time. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could go through a divorce or want the stigma associated with a divorce.  I know Dr. Phil says, "you might as well make the marriage you have work because it won't be any better with someone else", but I'm just so angry.  How can I get over the fact that my husband has let me down in his goals and career?  He told me a lot of things prior to getting married and now I haven't seen them become reality. I feel like he told me all those wonderful things just to get me to marry him and now he doesn't do anything he said he was going to do for me. I just bought a new car and he has a beat-up, gas-gugglin' truck, and he didn't want me to get a job so that we could save money on gas by him using my car to go to work in and me just using it to go to school. I don't feel like I should let him work and use my new car (while I pay the car note) and me just do nothing.  What do ya'll think?
 
October 11, 2005, 8:20 am CDT

I totally understand!

Quote From: pariah

Four years ago my husband quit his job and started his own business.  We agreed that he would not pay himself for one year to get the business established.  Unfortunately, the business is still barely making enough money to support itself, and is acquiring more and more debt.  Whenever I suggest my husband help out with the bills at home, he says he cannot afford to pay himself yet. 

  

Meanwhile, the burden of supporting the entire household is on me.  I feel like he doesn't realize how expensive the cost of living is.  He expects me to be able to pay all of our personal expenses by myself with one meager income.  Now we have incurred enormous credit card debt, and have absolutely no financial security.  We can't save any money for emergencies, kids' college or anything.  I've decided to take a second job just to make ends meet.  

  

We already live in a pretty small house, and drive older cars, but my husband refuses to downsize.  He also refuses to give up on the business and get a paying job to help out with our household expenses.  He keeps insisting that the business will pick up soon.  After hearing this for four years, I'm beginning to think my husband is living in Fantasyland.   

  

I feel guilty for not wanting to support my husband so he can work toward his lifelong dream.  But I also feel like he is really taking advantage of me by not contributing to our household expenses! 

I know how you feel.  My husband expects me to pick up the majority of expenses too.  I get so angry with him.  My advice to you is just to put your foot down and tell him he's got to get out, or most businesses fail within five years.  In other words, in one more year if he is still screaming, "I don't have any profits", then he should bail. He should care enough about your wishes to compromise.  I'm so sick of these men today placing all the burden on us women.  I can do bad by myself, but now I'm married and feel stuck because I don't want a divorce.
 
October 11, 2005, 7:53 pm CDT

The Business

Quote From: pariah

Four years ago my husband quit his job and started his own business.  We agreed that he would not pay himself for one year to get the business established.  Unfortunately, the business is still barely making enough money to support itself, and is acquiring more and more debt.  Whenever I suggest my husband help out with the bills at home, he says he cannot afford to pay himself yet. 

  

Meanwhile, the burden of supporting the entire household is on me.  I feel like he doesn't realize how expensive the cost of living is.  He expects me to be able to pay all of our personal expenses by myself with one meager income.  Now we have incurred enormous credit card debt, and have absolutely no financial security.  We can't save any money for emergencies, kids' college or anything.  I've decided to take a second job just to make ends meet.  

  

We already live in a pretty small house, and drive older cars, but my husband refuses to downsize.  He also refuses to give up on the business and get a paying job to help out with our household expenses.  He keeps insisting that the business will pick up soon.  After hearing this for four years, I'm beginning to think my husband is living in Fantasyland.   

  

I feel guilty for not wanting to support my husband so he can work toward his lifelong dream.  But I also feel like he is really taking advantage of me by not contributing to our household expenses! 

I'm sure your husbands lifelong dream was not to go down with the ship and his own business. I don't know what business it is, but if after 4 years, the debt is increasing and the profits are non-existant,  its time to cut your losses.  Unless its a hobby business, and your husband is willing to get another job while he does this biz that is his lifelong dream, liquidate and go forward.  

  

Everyone thinks that having your own (storefront or service) business is lucrative and cool, because you get to work for yourself. Thats not always a good thing! The economy is not good now, and if you are having to purchase stock with credit cards, the interest you pay is taking away any profits you may someday realize.  Plus, no offense to men, but having a biz isn';t hanging out with your buddies at the coffee shop talking about what you are doing, going to do and have done. And that is typical of many small businesses run by men. In my experience, women are better at maintaining a business over the long run....(now wait for the guys to jump on me!!) If he can reduce his expectations of his lifelong dream, and get a good paying job, you';ll both be happier!  

 
October 11, 2005, 9:31 pm CDT

For the most part I agree with queentween

Quote From: pariah

Four years ago my husband quit his job and started his own business.  We agreed that he would not pay himself for one year to get the business established.  Unfortunately, the business is still barely making enough money to support itself, and is acquiring more and more debt.  Whenever I suggest my husband help out with the bills at home, he says he cannot afford to pay himself yet. 

  

Meanwhile, the burden of supporting the entire household is on me.  I feel like he doesn't realize how expensive the cost of living is.  He expects me to be able to pay all of our personal expenses by myself with one meager income.  Now we have incurred enormous credit card debt, and have absolutely no financial security.  We can't save any money for emergencies, kids' college or anything.  I've decided to take a second job just to make ends meet.  

  

We already live in a pretty small house, and drive older cars, but my husband refuses to downsize.  He also refuses to give up on the business and get a paying job to help out with our household expenses.  He keeps insisting that the business will pick up soon.  After hearing this for four years, I'm beginning to think my husband is living in Fantasyland.   

  

I feel guilty for not wanting to support my husband so he can work toward his lifelong dream.  But I also feel like he is really taking advantage of me by not contributing to our household expenses! 

If after 4 years this business is struggling - something is wrong somewhere and if your husband is running it by himself - he may fancy himself as knowing everything just because he owns his own business.  I am a guy myself and in talking to owners of both sexes - men by far don't want to ask for help because it's not 'being a Man' 'Of course I know what I'm doing'.  On the other hand women will ask for help 'because they want to succeed' they don't want to fail. 

  

Do either of you know how to read the financials that is produced.  They will tell what's doing on provided they were done write.  If there are no financials - accounting records - then as queentween has said 'Cut your losses' and tell him to get a job. 

  

You and the family cannot suffer anymore.  Enough is enough. 

  

Rog 

 
October 12, 2005, 12:28 am CDT

thanks Rog

Quote From: renagade

If after 4 years this business is struggling - something is wrong somewhere and if your husband is running it by himself - he may fancy himself as knowing everything just because he owns his own business.  I am a guy myself and in talking to owners of both sexes - men by far don't want to ask for help because it's not 'being a Man' 'Of course I know what I'm doing'.  On the other hand women will ask for help 'because they want to succeed' they don't want to fail. 

  

Do either of you know how to read the financials that is produced.  They will tell what's doing on provided they were done write.  If there are no financials - accounting records - then as queentween has said 'Cut your losses' and tell him to get a job. 

  

You and the family cannot suffer anymore.  Enough is enough. 

  

Rog 

Yes, I do the majority of the book keeping for the business  (Along with working full time and taking care of all the household duties and 3 kids).   At the end of the year, we always show a small profit, but we never actually have the money.  Unfortunately, my husband has a bad habit of losing receipts.  I tried to explain to him that he might as well throw the money away if it is not accounted for, and he needs to take it more seriously.  He is not very good about the business end of things, and I only know what I learned by reading self-help books.  Of course, he can't afford to hire a professional right now. 

  

I appreciate your encouragement.  

 
October 12, 2005, 1:27 am CDT

You couldn't be more right!

Quote From: queentween

I'm sure your husbands lifelong dream was not to go down with the ship and his own business. I don't know what business it is, but if after 4 years, the debt is increasing and the profits are non-existant,  its time to cut your losses.  Unless its a hobby business, and your husband is willing to get another job while he does this biz that is his lifelong dream, liquidate and go forward.  

  

Everyone thinks that having your own (storefront or service) business is lucrative and cool, because you get to work for yourself. Thats not always a good thing! The economy is not good now, and if you are having to purchase stock with credit cards, the interest you pay is taking away any profits you may someday realize.  Plus, no offense to men, but having a biz isn';t hanging out with your buddies at the coffee shop talking about what you are doing, going to do and have done. And that is typical of many small businesses run by men. In my experience, women are better at maintaining a business over the long run....(now wait for the guys to jump on me!!) If he can reduce his expectations of his lifelong dream, and get a good paying job, you';ll both be happier!  

My husband owns a towing business.  His excuse for not getting a paying job is because he has to be available to tow 24/7.  When he's not towing, he is hanging around the garages chatting it up with the mechanics.    

  

We are spending quite a bit in finance charges and interest.  He just doesn't get it!!!  He blames the bad economy, and keeps saying "the business will pick-up." 

  

I've been trying to convince him to throw in the towel, but he won't budge.  He literally said that he would resent me forever if he gave up the business, and if I'm not willing to support him, I might as well divorce him.  He's a great guy, but if he doesn't start acting like an adult and help out with the bills soon, I will divorce him...It's just a matter of how much longer I can put up with it.   

  

Thank you for your encouragement. 

 
October 12, 2005, 1:46 am CDT

Here's what I think...

Quote From: lucky35

Hi, my husband is not very stable at all!  We've only been married for two years, but within that time frame his whole life has changed.  He's quit nursing school and has had several jobs within our marriage and now makes a minimal wage.  I get so mad because I've done everything I said I was going to do and more!  He on the other hand has done nothing he said he was going to do. I get so mad and just want to take all his money for bills and then I feel so bad because I feel like I really should be paying more because I have more of the money right now.  I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think marrying him was a huge mistake and I feel taken for granted most of the time. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could go through a divorce or want the stigma associated with a divorce.  I know Dr. Phil says, "you might as well make the marriage you have work because it won't be any better with someone else", but I'm just so angry.  How can I get over the fact that my husband has let me down in his goals and career?  He told me a lot of things prior to getting married and now I haven't seen them become reality. I feel like he told me all those wonderful things just to get me to marry him and now he doesn't do anything he said he was going to do for me. I just bought a new car and he has a beat-up, gas-gugglin' truck, and he didn't want me to get a job so that we could save money on gas by him using my car to go to work in and me just using it to go to school. I don't feel like I should let him work and use my new car (while I pay the car note) and me just do nothing.  What do ya'll think?

Making your own money gives you independence and freedom, so don't give up your job unless you want to.  If your husband wants to drive a better vehicle, he should be able to finance it himself.   

  

Maybe your husband is having an identity crisis right now.  Hopefully he'll get on the right track and find a career that will make you both happy. 

 
October 12, 2005, 7:58 pm CDT

Hers's some reality

Quote From: pariah

My husband owns a towing business.  His excuse for not getting a paying job is because he has to be available to tow 24/7.  When he's not towing, he is hanging around the garages chatting it up with the mechanics.    

  

We are spending quite a bit in finance charges and interest.  He just doesn't get it!!!  He blames the bad economy, and keeps saying "the business will pick-up." 

  

I've been trying to convince him to throw in the towel, but he won't budge.  He literally said that he would resent me forever if he gave up the business, and if I'm not willing to support him, I might as well divorce him.  He's a great guy, but if he doesn't start acting like an adult and help out with the bills soon, I will divorce him...It's just a matter of how much longer I can put up with it.   

  

Thank you for your encouragement. 

I think a towing business is regulated by the state - your charges are set.  Your husband is right to a degree - if he isn't available 24/7 he can loose business, however he must know when the busy periods are.  Why is he hanging around the mechanics - they might get a call for a tow, and for word of mouth. 

  

I have a feeling you hit a key of where the money goes - finance charges and interest.  It's not the ecomony - it's called no revenue and bills to pay.  I see he has drawn a line in the sand, and acting just like a child.  If he said he won't budge - he won't budge - unfortunitly. 

 
October 13, 2005, 5:35 am CDT

Since this posting

Quote From: pariah

Making your own money gives you independence and freedom, so don't give up your job unless you want to.  If your husband wants to drive a better vehicle, he should be able to finance it himself.   

  

Maybe your husband is having an identity crisis right now.  Hopefully he'll get on the right track and find a career that will make you both happy. 

Since the first posting, my husband walked off his job 2 hours early yesterday because he says he can not take "someone standing over him and belittling him constantly". He is supposed to go in today.  This was a coworker who is not above him in the hierarchy and it obviously gets on his nerves.  I'm down to my last straw with him.
 
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