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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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October 16, 2005, 1:37 pm CDT

marriage and money

 we have been married for about 24 years and i have always worked. Even if it was part time,  two of our 5 kids were out of the home and anout 5 mons. ago our daughter moved in with her boyfriend and not to much time after that she had GREAT news !!!!! (or she thought)...she was going to haver a baby.... well to make a very long story short they moved in to our house--- and not to long after that he moved out..."which was great""". but now we have taken on the baby and everything that -.that implyes!!!!! I had been staying at home and injoying it because i was able to spend alot of time with the girl(twins-5 years old) One day my husband explained that i was going to have to get back to work because he was not able to do it all by himself!!!!!! this is after he was the one that asked our daughter and her boyfried to move in and live here for free!!!!! he was working .... also after he has been giving money to his mother so that she could help with her grandkids support... He wants me to go back to work  to help him pay our bills and  he would be able to keep giving everyone his  money????????  is it me or I'm i just being a witch (as he states)!!!! 
 
October 17, 2005, 8:34 am CDT

Money...Even the word makes me Cringe

I am 40 years old and still don't have a 401k plan, savings with $100.00 or more in it, I barely keep my checking acct. from going in the red and my husband who I adore and have been married to for only 4 years now keeps pulling money out left and right for stupid things.  Ok well lets see if I can make it clear for y'all, My husband is an Over the Road truck driver( oh and they are suppose to make great money) however, mine most certainly does not. We live in good ole Florida ( a right to hire and right to fire state)Hubby  had a CDL A license since 96 and his last wife couldn't handle it and they got divorced Well I don't mind having my own Independence and I know how to be monogamous, the situation is that he takes "advance" all the time from his personal fuel card once he fuels the truck he will take 50.00 to 150.00 out the and I get a pay check that has 348.00 and well my rent alone is 675.00 so figure it out. It doesn't work!! We agreed that he could get 100.00 for an allowance and he goes over it all the time I told him I am not a miracle worker and I can't keep cutting here and there to try and barely  keep our heads above water.  We are sinking and I don't know how to have faith when in 2 weeks we have to pay rent again and of course other bills come directly out of my checking acct. and we had to borrow money,( how embarrassing is that!!) to pay our rent that was due on the beginning of this money needless to say, I see how things are going to go and with  the money he is suppose to get in, for the past 2 weeks to try and cover the next 2 weeks is by far not going to be enough we have to pay back the loan we just got of 400.00 by this weekend, and well that will leave about 159.00 for gas, food, electric, credit card bills, phone, student loan, etc. I feel like I am waiting for a ticking bomb and once it hits I am going to be out on the street.  How unbelievable is that? I keep trying desperately to help pick up the pieces by  going to college to get into the field of  Medical Coding and come to find out, you still need 2-3   years of experience under your belt before they will even look at your resume' but while I was finishing school my good fiend did find a job working as a medical secretary/receptionist-Front office position and told me she would get me a job there. it took 8 resume 6 months and I got the job of "my dreams" wearing scrubs and feeling once again like I have accomplished something in my life, besides school. I have an eye for detail and took pride in making sure everything was correct.  We had several things we had to complete every single day and most times I found it challenging and rewarding but some times I would get frustrated.  Nothing bad, I would be told I needed to pick up the Pace after about 2 weeks of training, I tried and well to try and make this story a little shorter, I got fired from that job after I asked about job security since I would have to put an ad in the paper for a babysitter for my 9 yr old if this is going to be permanent. When they fired me and I asked them what I did wrong? they replied by saying;  "you can't spell"  I left college with a 12th grade spelling capability 3.8 GPA  I was heart broken (devastated). I decided to run away and I helped my hubby get his feet back on the ground by changing careers again and getting my class B permit so I can drive a straight truck with hubby to get him back in the saddle to drive this was last year and since then he has gone through 3 jobs one over the road and 2 local just because he wanted to be home more and he never makes the money we need and he leaves all the time.  We need stability and credible/honest/ people to work for.  My husband is very gentle minded and somewhat  vulnerable in the past 7 years of knowing my husband he always takes jobs that never prove to be worth what we are needing, health insur, 401k , vac. pay, raises, etc.  The recruiters for all the different types of trucking companies out there and they are like this with my husband; hubby has a sweet tooth, so when a recruiter gives their "sugar coated information " regarding the company and hubby says it sounds great, and he starts eating it up, and tells me;  "I can make lots of money we can get out of debt and,etc."and once he gets in  and finds out more  its like he just chipped a tooth on that sugar coated goodies of a job and now we are sunk again with more debt and now a bad job history which is vital for his career.  We put in several  applications I even have the recruiters talking to me to discern if they are what we are looking for but, the fact still remains I can't take care of all this debt if I can't keep a job and I am getting bitter about my husband not being able to take care of me like I know he would like to be able to, but he never got an education and driving is all he knows, He is darn good at it but again, he doesn't make enough money for us and we fight about that alot and I try to be the bread winner and I just can't seem to do it in FL. I send  out 30 resumes' just to get 2 calls for an interview I get hired just last week and thought ok finally we can put this all together, wrong I get fired "AGAIN" after just 2 days worth of training, and the reason: "Its just not working out" Know wonder why FL has one of this highest suicides, drug addictions, and of course alcoholism. I am truly scared.  My youngest daughter 9yrs. old who lived with me last yr. was taken away from by my ex-husband so now it is just my husband 3 days out of the month and my cat who lives with me so where I go for help is beyond me.   But really all I want and I know that is what hubby wants is to just have stability and make enough to retire in 35 years.  But nothing is stable anymore and obviously nothing lasts forever either. BTW hubby has been working for a company that he has been with now for 3 months and he hasn't left since I told him if he leaves and goes to another crappy company I would leave him cuz, I just can't handle all the bills and him saying: "don't worry I will find away to make it right".   Oh and I started going back to church and it feels wonderful again but , even my own church can't help me since I have only been there 3 times so far and I have to join the church and tithe, and be a member for at least 90 days to get help.  I know that is crazy and all I can do is keep trying in my own vain to make things work. I truly wish "love conquers all"  we would be living like kings and queens.
 
October 19, 2005, 6:54 am CDT

help

 
October 19, 2005, 8:49 pm CDT

I practically argue everyday about the same thing!

Hi, please help with any advice! I argue with my husband almost every day about money and bills.  I mean it is the same thing over and over again. He always comes through with his responsibility of the home expenses, but sometimes it is at the last minute or even late, so I am constantly worried about bills.  I recently purchased a new car (I had to get one, my car broke down!) and I believe this is compounded my worries.  I am a "worrier" by nature, but this fighting is hurting our new marriage and besides I feel ugly constantly barking about the same thing every day.  How can I stop argueing over bills and money?  My husband tells me to just tell him know when the bills come in and he will pay them (or help pay them) then, but until they're due, not to bother him with it, but I feel like in order to prepare for bills you have to be always thinking about when they're due and how you're going to budget  your income to meet the due dates!  If I just waited until they were due to start thinking about paying them, I'd be broke at that moment so that's why I argue that we should plan ahead.  My husband just never seems to have paying bills on his mind ie. What bills are due, how much are they, etc...etc... I'm tired of beating this horse to death, not to mention the stress on me and him is not good.  HELP!  Thank you!
 
October 19, 2005, 8:52 pm CDT

Is used to your income

Quote From: tclark44

 we have been married for about 24 years and i have always worked. Even if it was part time,  two of our 5 kids were out of the home and anout 5 mons. ago our daughter moved in with her boyfriend and not to much time after that she had GREAT news !!!!! (or she thought)...she was going to haver a baby.... well to make a very long story short they moved in to our house--- and not to long after that he moved out..."which was great""". but now we have taken on the baby and everything that -.that implyes!!!!! I had been staying at home and injoying it because i was able to spend alot of time with the girl(twins-5 years old) One day my husband explained that i was going to have to get back to work because he was not able to do it all by himself!!!!!! this is after he was the one that asked our daughter and her boyfried to move in and live here for free!!!!! he was working .... also after he has been giving money to his mother so that she could help with her grandkids support... He wants me to go back to work  to help him pay our bills and  he would be able to keep giving everyone his  money????????  is it me or I'm i just being a witch (as he states)!!!! 
Your husband is just used to your income and nowadays men just expect so much more out of women.  My husband says we did it to ourselves with womens' liberation.  If your husband is giving his money away and needs you to supplement his hand-outs, that isn't right, but if you've always worked then you could at least go back to work part-time.
 
October 20, 2005, 10:00 am CDT

can i work and be a good parent?

Most of the time the parenting shows that Dr phil has on are stay at home moms and working dads.  Well the only way we can really make ends meet is if we both work.  We are planning on starting a family soon and i get discouraged.  I know there are so many couples out there like us that are both working but i have never really seen it on dr phil.  I would love to see a show on making, famiy work with 2 working parents becauase there are many of us out there that need some encouragement.   

 
October 20, 2005, 1:47 pm CDT

Chatting

Quote From: pariah

My husband owns a towing business.  His excuse for not getting a paying job is because he has to be available to tow 24/7.  When he's not towing, he is hanging around the garages chatting it up with the mechanics.    

  

We are spending quite a bit in finance charges and interest.  He just doesn't get it!!!  He blames the bad economy, and keeps saying "the business will pick-up." 

  

I've been trying to convince him to throw in the towel, but he won't budge.  He literally said that he would resent me forever if he gave up the business, and if I'm not willing to support him, I might as well divorce him.  He's a great guy, but if he doesn't start acting like an adult and help out with the bills soon, I will divorce him...It's just a matter of how much longer I can put up with it.   

  

Thank you for your encouragement. 

Well, if he likes to chat it up and show what a good  tow truck driver he is, he had better get to know the police dispatchers, and the local police much  better- dispatchers and cops handle a lot more situations where things have to be towed than mechanics....word of mouth advertising is good but having the dealerships know about you is more beneficial than having the guys in the garage know you. They don't tell the customers who to have tow their broken down vehicles. And, since night tows pay more than day tows, it might be interesting to offer services from 6pm to 6am- coincidentally, that would allow him to find a 8am-4pm job since he wouldn't have tows every night........and since the majority of night police tows are on Thursday, Friday and Sat. night.........more convenient to work.....
 
October 20, 2005, 2:13 pm CDT

I s

 
October 22, 2005, 9:58 pm CDT

Any advice would help!

Hello everyone I am new to this board!  I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation.  Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation. 

  

Basically my husband refuses to get a job.  I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work.  We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share.  Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself.  But since May he has stopped. 

  

It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were.  I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that.  We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever).  He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed. 

  

We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute.  About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child.  At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell! 

  

First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off.  I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job.  (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end)  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

  

Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner.  Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not.  Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else.  I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute? 

  

Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case.  I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave.  I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work.  But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice.  I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.  

  

 I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch.  He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job!  And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke!  We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me.  He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not.  But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.  

  

 As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work.  We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this.  I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet.  I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor. 

  

I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work?  I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this! 

 
October 23, 2005, 11:35 am CDT

finding out after the fact!!!!!

So i am not married but i have been living with my boyfriend for the past year and a half and things are great i think but he seems to have trouble with telling me about the bills if one comes in its like he hides it or says it hasn't come yet. 

So when i find it stuffed away he acts like he didn't know it was there whats up with that? 

so anyway my real question is how do i talk to him about this without making him feel inadequate. 

I have tried talking to him but we get no where except in a screaming match both trying to defend our selves. 

I do plan on being with him and we do plan on getting married but how are we going to make it if he cant even talk about money or be truthful about it??????????? 

please i need some advice. 

 
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