Topic : Arguing Over Money

So i am not married but i have been living with my boyfriend for the past year and a half and things are great i think but he seems to have trouble with telling me about the bills if one comes in its like he hides it or says it hasn't come yet. 

So when i find it stuffed away he acts like he didn't know it was there whats up with that? 

so anyway my real question is how do i talk to him about this without making him feel inadequate. 

I have tried talking to him but we get no where except in a screaming match both trying to defend our selves. 

I do plan on being with him and we do plan on getting married but how are we going to make it if he cant even talk about money or be truthful about it??????????? 

please i need some advice. 

Hello everyone I am new to this board!  I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation.  Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation. 

Basically my husband refuses to get a job.  I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work.  We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share.  Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself.  But since May he has stopped. 

It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were.  I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that.  We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever).  He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed. 

We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute.  About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child.  At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell! 

First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off.  I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job.  (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end)  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner.  Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not.  Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else.  I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute? 

Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case.  I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave.  I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work.  But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice.  I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.  

 I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch.  He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job!  And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke!  We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me.  He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not.  But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.  

 As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work.  We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this.  I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet.  I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor. 

I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work?  I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this! 

Hello everyone I am new to this board!  I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation.  Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation. 

Basically my husband refuses to get a job.  I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work.  We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share.  Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself.  But since May he has stopped. 

It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were.  I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that.  We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever).  He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed. 

We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute.  About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child.  At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell! 

First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off.  I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job.  (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end)  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner.  Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not.  Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else.  I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute? 

Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case.  I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave.  I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work.  But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice.  I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.  

 I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch.  He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job!  And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke!  We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me.  He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not.  But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.  

 As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work.  We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this.  I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet.  I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor. 

I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work?  I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this!