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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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October 24, 2005, 9:08 am CDT

Arguing Over Money

I am a stay at home Mother of 2 children. (boy 5yrs., girl 6mo.)  My husband has his own business.  I am constantly stressing over money because our budget is so tight.  We have enough money to make the bills every month but there is little to no money left for extras or emergencies.  I have tried to find a job to do from home but with all the scams out there I am not sure what to do.  I cannot rely on my husband to keep the kids in the evenings because his job is a phone call basis meaning if a customer calls he has to leave no matter the time of day or night.  Daycare is not an option because it is so expense that if I did work I would be working to pay daycare and there would be no money for the family.  Does anyone have any advise????  Thank you
 
October 24, 2005, 12:23 pm CDT

Money . . . Disorganized . . . Ugh

BTW, It's nice to hear other people's stories about money/marriage problems here. I've been reading a lot of your postings, trying to gain perspective. 

Today I was trying to figure out how much debt my husband and I have by entering figures in Quicken. This is very difficult, mainly because my husband's idea of "filing" is stuffing paid bills, old birthday and holiday cards, and receipts into a banker's box. When that box is over-full, he simply starts on another banker's box. In January 2003, I spent a 10 hour day creating a filing system for him, went through one of his banker's boxes, sorted it all out.  

Boy, he was pissed. Needless to say, I haven't tried to force financial organization upon him since. 

Are all men this naturally bad with money? It seems like there are to men in this country:

1. They are compulsive spenders who run up a bunch of debt on collectibles, cars, or boats, and seem to love nothing more than running up new credit card debt 

or . . . . 

2. They are miserable penny-pinchers who have a net worth of a million, yet they are so cheap they count how many Kleenexes their wives and kids use during flu season and still insist on buying generic dog food! 

I plan to be married to my man for the rest of our lives. I hope Dr. Phil does more marriage & money shows! 

 
October 24, 2005, 12:38 pm CDT

Please, learn from my mistakes!

Quote From: crazy13

So i am not married but i have been living with my boyfriend for the past year and a half and things are great i think but he seems to have trouble with telling me about the bills if one comes in its like he hides it or says it hasn't come yet. 

So when i find it stuffed away he acts like he didn't know it was there whats up with that? 

so anyway my real question is how do i talk to him about this without making him feel inadequate. 

I have tried talking to him but we get no where except in a screaming match both trying to defend our selves. 

I do plan on being with him and we do plan on getting married but how are we going to make it if he cant even talk about money or be truthful about it??????????? 

please i need some advice. 

I married a financial disaster--you two need REAL CONVERSATIONS about money before you tie the knot!! My husband is the perfect man, except for money. When we married I took on most of his credit card debt, helped him get a car, etc.

Over the years we've had to address his compulsive spending and the idea of PAYING BILLS ON TIME, which was something he finally learned to do. This was all done on my very meager salary as a piano teacher, but now we are in huge debt because of a failed real estate project!

 


If I could do it all over again, of course I would marry him, but I'd have some long, calm talks about money first. Make sure he can balance a checkbook before you tie yourself to him, please! It's not worth screaming about--I hope you are able to get him to come around. My best wishes.
 
October 24, 2005, 5:03 pm CDT

his money is his money...

    I have been married for going on 3 yrs and he says,,, his money is his money. he doesnt want a joint bank account. he doesnt like giving me money. i make him give me an allowance sice he doesnt want a joint account like otehr normal husbands. i have him give me 350.00 a month and i can do what ever i want to with it but he argues over it. i say if hes not going to be like other husbands and have a joint checking account then he needs to just give me an allowance. other wifes have their names on the husbands accounts and they spend freely from it so if its not what hes going to do with me then hes going to give me an allowance. he says its his money and hes afraid id spend it all so he wont put my name on his account. so with the money he gives me it helps me,,because of it i work only part time. i own the hose so we dont havea house payment. we have no bills and are not in debt. he wants me to seel this place so that the new place will have his name on it. he wants me to put all the money i get from this place down on the new place...for instance... i get 290.000 for this place and we pay say 350.00 for a new place... . i put the 290.000 all on the new place and we have 60.000 only owing on new place....... so that means i am the one that pays for most of the new place...... and he still wants me to pay half the house payment on new place which means hes gets a 350,000 house for 30,000.  the place-a halfplex- i owned it before we got married so its mine and only mine. he is mad casue he wants to own property. he thinks cause i got the place for free {when my mom passed away}  then he shouldnt have to pay anything for the new place. all of this may be hard to follow. if you follow then,,, any sugestions????    
 
October 25, 2005, 12:46 am CDT

coincidence

Quote From: queentween

Well, if he likes to chat it up and show what a good  tow truck driver he is, he had better get to know the police dispatchers, and the local police much  better- dispatchers and cops handle a lot more situations where things have to be towed than mechanics....word of mouth advertising is good but having the dealerships know about you is more beneficial than having the guys in the garage know you. They don't tell the customers who to have tow their broken down vehicles. And, since night tows pay more than day tows, it might be interesting to offer services from 6pm to 6am- coincidentally, that would allow him to find a 8am-4pm job since he wouldn't have tows every night........and since the majority of night police tows are on Thursday, Friday and Sat. night.........more convenient to work.....

That's a funny coincidence.  I am a police dispatcher (on the night shift), and that's how I met my husband.  At that time he did have a day job, and worked for a towing company at night.  Then he decided to start his own towing company which requires availability at all hours.   

  

Unfortunately, while he's been trying to get police accounts, none of the local departments are looking for a new towing company.  He has put in bids all around, just no luck.  He does tow for dealerships, and the garages do refer him to their customers.  I think the real problem is that he's spending more money than he's making, and racking up the debt that leads to more finance charges and interest.   

  

My main complaint is that he makes no money to contribute to our personal expenses.  He expects me to pay all the bills.  It just seems so unfair. 

 
October 25, 2005, 10:58 am CDT

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Quote From: shilom

Hello everyone I am new to this board!  I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation.  Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation. 

  

Basically my husband refuses to get a job.  I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work.  We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share.  Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself.  But since May he has stopped. 

  

It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were.  I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that.  We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever).  He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed. 

  

We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute.  About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child.  At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell! 

  

First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off.  I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job.  (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end)  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

  

Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner.  Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not.  Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else.  I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute? 

  

Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case.  I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave.  I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work.  But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice.  I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.  

  

 I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch.  He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job!  And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke!  We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me.  He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not.  But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.  

  

 As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work.  We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this.  I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet.  I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor. 

  

I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work?  I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this! 

You already know the answer- you dropped him off and have no plans of picking him up- and thats exactly what you should do- leave him there. You sound like a great lady and capable of handling things- he sounds like a mooch. You and your kid(s) do not deserve this treatment- you are not a doormat. When you go into labor, you will have the baby. Thousands of women every day have their kids alone (I did and I'm married!) You will succeed without him- you will thrive without him. And, you'll have an extra $200 from not buying cigarettes alone! Thats almost all of your utility bills! You just got a raise!  

I understand its painful, and I don't mean to make light of the situation- but you have already made the right decision. Leave him at his parents- they can take care of him...... 

 
October 25, 2005, 12:27 pm CDT

I feel for you...

Quote From: beatlesfan

    I have been married for going on 3 yrs and he says,,, his money is his money. he doesnt want a joint bank account. he doesnt like giving me money. i make him give me an allowance sice he doesnt want a joint account like otehr normal husbands. i have him give me 350.00 a month and i can do what ever i want to with it but he argues over it. i say if hes not going to be like other husbands and have a joint checking account then he needs to just give me an allowance. other wifes have their names on the husbands accounts and they spend freely from it so if its not what hes going to do with me then hes going to give me an allowance. he says its his money and hes afraid id spend it all so he wont put my name on his account. so with the money he gives me it helps me,,because of it i work only part time. i own the hose so we dont havea house payment. we have no bills and are not in debt. he wants me to seel this place so that the new place will have his name on it. he wants me to put all the money i get from this place down on the new place...for instance... i get 290.000 for this place and we pay say 350.00 for a new place... . i put the 290.000 all on the new place and we have 60.000 only owing on new place....... so that means i am the one that pays for most of the new place...... and he still wants me to pay half the house payment on new place which means hes gets a 350,000 house for 30,000.  the place-a halfplex- i owned it before we got married so its mine and only mine. he is mad casue he wants to own property. he thinks cause i got the place for free when my mom passed away  then he shouldnt have to pay anything for the new place. all of this may be hard to follow. if you follow then,,, any sugestions????    
I feel for you and your husband.  I am hopeful, though, that his selfishness will change to more trust in you that you will not spend all y'all's money.  The old, traditional idea of marriage is that two become one.  He is clearly NOT getting this.  How can I say that he is being a leech w/o sounding too harsh?  That's the truth, sorry.  He wants to live free at the house that was all yours to begin with, but it doesn't stop there--he wants you to sell it and he wants to profit from that sale!  Seek counseling is what I would do at this point.  He most likely won't go with you; but it may help you to become stronger and more assertive in your relationship with your husband if you have a professional or two tell you that he is NOT doing his job as a husband.  He's not even doing his job as a roommate, by what you've said regarding your finances.  So seek counseling; and if you're a praying woman, do some of that, too, and THAT will help a great deal.  Bottom line, though, DON'T let him bully you.  He is supposed to be your husband--your provider, lover, best friend, and the one who puts you above all others except God.  Do NOT continue to allow him to bully you financially.  A good husband DOES NOT take advantage of his wife.  Not financially, not in ANY way!  Best wishes and God Bless.
 
October 25, 2005, 12:56 pm CDT

Take Baby Steps

Quote From: shilom

Hello everyone I am new to this board!  I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation.  Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation. 

  

Basically my husband refuses to get a job.  I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work.  We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share.  Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself.  But since May he has stopped. 

  

It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were.  I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that.  We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever).  He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed. 

  

We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute.  About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child.  At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell! 

  

First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off.  I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job.  (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end)  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

  

Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner.  Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not.  Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else.  I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute? 

  

Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case.  I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave.  I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work.  But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice.  I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.  

  

 I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch.  He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job!  And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke!  We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me.  He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not.  But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.  

  

 As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work.  We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this.  I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet.  I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor. 

  

I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work?  I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this! 

Why not just take it one step at a time?  Here's what I might do-- First of all, I would NOT be buying cigarettes for him.  If he wants to give himself cancer, he'd have to do it on HIS dime, not mine.  Hmmm...for that, I guess he'd need a job, right? ;)  Just tell him you've reevaluated the cigarette issue and you no longer feel it's ethically right to contribute to the tobacco industry.  My grandmother was a heavy smoker, so I wouldn't have a problem doing this.  Dying by smoking related complications is never a pretty sight.  Next, let the house phone get shut off.  Do you have a cell phone?  Use only that for yourself and let him see that if he does not contribute to paying the bills, then utility companies don't look too kindly on that, and that's why the house phone went out.  Lights could be next unless he puts out a few apps, eh?  I guess what I'm saying is that you have to make him SEE that he absolutely MUST contribute to this relationship.  Otherwise, he's NOT your husband-- he's just an overgrown child that you're taking care of.  Good luck and may God Bless you and give you strength and the wisdom to do what is best for you and your unborn child.  It's not too late for annulment, but I'd try those few tests I listed above first before I went to the courthouse over this.  Take care and God Bless!
 
October 25, 2005, 1:57 pm CDT

this is cut and dry

Quote From: dreamer77

i am not working, i am a stay at home mom and my husband thinks that all the bills are more important then food in house with two kids. everytime i get a job he don't want me to work i might find a nother man or he don't want to watch kids after he gets off work. I don't know which one really. He owns this house, I don't, it was given to him by a family death. he uses that in our fights and money problems. he took a loan out and now the bank has it untill its paid. so our problems get bigger and bigger, but it's all my fault..
One of y'all needs another job!  If he's not man enough to go out and get an extra job, then you have to do what's right for your kids and get a part-time job so that you can at least buy them food. Do you have mom nearby or aunts or neighbors who can watch the kids part of the day while you work somewhere?  Or what about babysitting someone else's kid(s) during the hours your husband is at work?  You can earn some extra spending money like that.  Let him know that it's not about "finding another man" but that y'all both need to be mature and responsible and have food there available for those babies!  It's all about the kids now-- not about what your husband wants.  His selfishness and insecurity needs to take a back-seat now that there are kids to look after.  Counseling will DEFINITELY help, but it's so hard getting guys like him to go with you (trust me, I've been through this before!).  If y'all are Christians, please try going to church and getting some help there.  They will stress your husband's obligation to your family's needs.  He will see that he is failing as a husband AND father!  Good luck, best wishes, and God Bless you and your family!
 
October 31, 2005, 10:32 am CST

feel like i am pushed against the wall

Our daughter just moved, bought a house of her own. Our son is a Sr. in high school. I have worked off and on all my life. Have owned and sold a daycare public business. My husband wants me to work again but I want to start another business and work for myself. I enjoyed that better than working for someone else. He says I was lucky the daycare paid off. I don't feel it was luck alone, I am not the smartest person but I had a CPA and a lawyer help on the business side. He said If I start another business he will divorce me and I better not put us in dedt. To get a small loan they keep wanting his name on the papers. They don't require him to sign for a loan just me but want his name on the papers. He refuses to even talk to me about it or look over the business plan I made for myself and the loan officer. The loan officer is just waiting for me to say yes. Yes we have other problems in our relationship. Not cheating or spending money or what I feel is bad. But he is a right finder and controlling and I want this for us. I am far from perfect. How can I talk to him and move forward or just do it and let the chips fall? 

  

Empty nester soon to be, 

Susan 

 
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