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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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September 15, 2008, 2:54 am CDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: jennair93

     I have been dating a man I am so in love with for 5 years.  Three years ago he asked me and my children to move from our home in Missouri to join him in Texas.  I agreed and so packed up sold my home and moved into his home.  A year later he proposed to me.  The only problem for me is that he doesn't want to share financies.  He doesn't want my name on the house even if where married.  No joint bank acounts and bills split, cars, etc. are yours and mine.  I am expected to pay most of the bills its like a 70/30 thing when he makes more money than I do.  I don't mind compromising but tell me what is fair.  What is a solution that is fair.  I don't even know where to to go with the money thing and I feel that i can't be married if it is not settled.  Any suggestions?

2nd (or more) time around marriages can get SO complicated when it comes to finances. I'll share what's happened to me (us) in case it is helpful to anyone. I've been married to my 2nd husband for 12 years. My first husband was very greedy when it came to money while we were married, so you can probably picture how nasty he was over money during our divorce. It was so ugly that I finally settled out of court for no alimony (after a 15 years marriage and was a stay home Mom at the time of divorce), and much less child support than "his" children deserved. I never wanted to fight about money again for the rest of my life! The one good thing that came from the divorce was I was able to keep my children in the home they had been living in. My husband wanted his retirement account, which as about equal to the equity in our home.... so I kept the home (and loan) and he kept his retirement account. The home loan was a VA loan, and there could be no change made in the title unless I wanted to refinance the loan. I was single for 7 years before I married my 2nd husband. He was aware of the "money issues" from my 1st marriage, and was very understanding about my concerns when getting married again. We decided to figure all the household expenses, house payment, taxes etc. and then just figured he would pay 1/2 of the expenses to me, and I paid all of the bills out of my own checking account. We both earned about the same amount, so all seemed fair to both of us, and with both incomes we made less than $40,000 per year. Before we got married I had 2 real estate agents give me amounts (within $2,000 of each other)  of what the house was worth at the time of our marriage. We wrote up (and notarized) an agreement between us that in 1996 the home was worth X amount, and in the event of divorce this X amount would belong to me, and any additional equity in the home would be divided equally between us, in the event of a divorce and sale of the home. After being married a number of years, and my husband landscaping, putting in new windows, a yard building etc. I felt very guilty about his name not being on the title.... but we never bothered to refinance the loan in both of our names.... and in the long term...  thank heavens we didn't! My husband worked for an employer when we were first married, but 6 months after we were married he decided to start his own  business as a contractor. He'd had his own business before, but lost it, and everything else in his divorce. So for most of the 12 years we've been married he has struggled financially (with me bailing him out a number of times) while I worked a full-time office job, plus another home business. Three years ago he went into a partnership with a "friend" that went under in less than a year. They were almost $300,000 in debt, and I never even had a clue! The partner just walked out one day, and this was when I finally heard how bad things really were! I was in total shock... and very upset. My husband & I went to see a bankruptcy attorney, and for the FIRST time in all the years we'd been married I was counting my lucky stars that we had kept EVERYTHING financial separate! I had to prove that the home loan was in my name only, that I'd paid ALL of the home expenses myself out of my checking account, and that he just paid me rent and expenses to live here. It took almost a year to get the bankruptcy in place (he is doing a chapter 13 to try and repay as much as he can) and was even more stressful than my divorce. Knowing I COULD have lost my house... over something I had NO part in scared me to death! I will NEVER feel guilty again, or feel bad about keeping my own finances in MY name only! I still plan to leave the house to my husband in the event of my death, he has made this the happy "home" it is.. but I will no longer trust him when it comes to financial things that would have any impact on me. I had signed on loans, credit cards etc. for him in the past... but will never again put myself at risk now that I'm in my mid-50's and have to worry about how I'm ever going to be able to retire with the cost of things today... what are they going to be like by then? I sure don't think there is going to be a retirement "fairy" coming my way... and all I know is I have to do the best I can to take care of "myself" -- because the sad reality is, I have absolutely no control over what anyone else in my life is going to do... I've learned that the hard way.

 
October 13, 2008, 10:19 am CDT

Lucky - NOT!

Greetings all,

   This is my first time posting to this forum.  I grew up as a child of divorce, and too a female.  The one thing that is a disadvantage to this day as many women still "lose" their identity when they marry.  We lose our names, merge finances and as I have seen all over these discussions, become "directed" by the male spouse.  Fortunately that is changing.  I saw my mother almost destroyed when she was divorced in the 60's as her now ex took everything and split!  She worked 16+ hours a day as a single mother in a laundry to make ends meet. Her only saving grace was her mom was still alive and living in an apartment one floor down and could watch us 3 kids.  I have seen many in here say "He wouldn't let me have a bank account, credit/debit card etc., to include having at times to ask and or beg for money to buy even basic needs!

    I vowed to never be with someone that is like that.  I did take my husbands name happily (18 and a half years and still going strong), but I have *my* finances, he has his, and we have a "we" account. No credit or debit cards are joint.  My bills, my responsibility, same for him.  Sure he could split and take the "we" account, but he can't hurt me beyond that.  Ditto goes for my leaving and taking what is his. When we first married our salaries were almost equal.  He already had a house and offered to add me to the title.  I thanked him, but since I had no financial investment in it, declined.  Other than the house, we would go "Dutch" most times when we ate.  Odd maybe to some, but power to neither of us doing that. For vacations we divide up who pays for what - hotel, car, mode of travel etc.  This has worked out wonderfully. 

   The only arguing per say we had was me busting on him for his quick "money faster than water through the hands" habits.  It didn't hurt me mind you, but I felt his pain when he did want something and didn't have the money to get it.  He is much better with his money management now.  In 1997 my job transferred me to South Florida, and too at that point I was now making 2x what he was.  Due to that, I searched for and bought a house - and like him years past, offered to add him to the title.  He declined stating "You bought it, and you have agreed to all expenses, it is yours."  By Florida state law, he after 10 years of marriage could be awarded half unless we come to our own agreement.  I now make almost 3x's what he makes.  I will be paying the house off in December hopefully.  As for bills, I took on about 70% due to the income differences.  I have seen in here were it was similar on the salary spread but still 50/50 - I don't understand how one can agree or put up with that.  Sorry, just my feelings there.  I love my husband to death, and plan so far to be with him to that end.  If he is down, I am there to help him, and he for me should there be problems.  Money is such a crappy thing to have to fight over. Marriage is not only for love, but like a business, you have to work it daily and fairly. Thanks for listening. :-)
 
October 30, 2008, 5:27 am CDT

My wife put horses welfare in front of her childrens

Ok i never thought i would put a post on your website but i am desperate. My wife thinks you are God and actually listens to your opinion.

Ok here goes.

I am a retained firefighter in Ireland earning about €50,000 ($65,000) a year, there is a thing in Ireland called "the childrens allowance" which brings the household income up to about €60,000 ($78,000) a year.
We have a small mortgage and the normal household bills. Irewland is an expensive country but what is happening is not right.

A number of years ago i backed my wife up in getting a pony for my eldest daughter and then last year without telling me she bought another horse for herself. She now puts the welfare of these horses before the welfare of the children. She is obsessed with horses (which i now hate with every fibre of my being) and puts them first in everything. As an example she told the kids last week that if there was something wrong with one of the horses (she thought that there was something wrong with a foot on one of them) that the family would be on bread and water, she infromed me last night that the kids would not be getting what they wanted for Christmas and they would make do. This type of thing is typical. Last year i did up a basic tal of income and expenditure for the family and found that €20,000 could not be accounted for and she would not explain it. The family weekly budget for food is €300 , there was always enough food there and some treats for the kids. She came back from shopping last week with half of what is normally got but with three bags of the best horse food bought from money ment for the family food budget, this is getting typical now. We have so much horse gear ( rugs and such) that one stable owner (where the horses were stabled) told me that it was ridiculus and she had never seen the like. My wife is taking money from the family account  and spending it on the horses so we have no savings at all. She has spent a small fortune on vets and farrier fees and can come up with every excuse on the planet as to where the money is gone. It gets so bad sometimes that i worry if i can put petrol in the car. I don't drink but she does (in the bedroom at night on her own).  At the moment over here it is freezing but i can't afford to get oil for the central heating, my kids are walking around wrapped in blankets they are so cold but the horses have the best of everything. She moved the horses a few months ago and when she moved them she had two options 1/ she found a local farmer that would rent her a field, it would probably cost about at the outside €1000 a year, but no that was not good enough. She opted for a stabling way that costs €100 a week plus food, bedding, hay and anything else that goes with it. I do not know much about horses so i am lost as far as they go.

The stress of this is killing me and i have a constant headache from it.

I am sorry if the post is disjointed but there is so much that i am typing as i think, there is a lot more but tis is the general idea


 
November 3, 2008, 4:29 pm CST

Receiving $ for something and using it for something else

My wife and I are expecting our first child.  Our parents are helping us by buying the crib, dressers etc.  My wife and I told my mother that we'd like her to buy us a glider (with ottoman). My mom said she would, so we sent her a link to a web site that has the chair and ottoman we want.  She gave us a check for the exact amount for us to order and have delivered.  My wife, after receiving the check, found a VERY similar chair and ottoman for a couple hundred dollars cheaper.

 

Here is the problem:  My wife does not think it's wrong to purhcase the cheaper chair/ottoman, and use the extra money for other random decor etc for the room.  My attempts to explain to her the basic principles of right and wrong have not only failed, have really driven a wedge between us.  We are talking Right & Wron 101 here.  The fact that she can't even see the fact that asking for something, getting money for it, then spending it on something else is wrong, absolutely kills me.  It's deceitful & untruthful.  I even tried to use our unborn child as an example by asking if she thought it would be right for our son to come to us and say he needed $200 for football equipment, then spending the money on video games.

 

This has become much more of a matter of not caring one bit about the chair and ottoman, which I don't, and much more a matter of I can't believe my wife doesn't understand basic concepts/principles of right and wrong.

 

HELP!

 
December 4, 2008, 5:32 am CST

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: irishman19

Ok i never thought i would put a post on your website but i am desperate. My wife thinks you are God and actually listens to your opinion.

Ok here goes.

I am a retained firefighter in Ireland earning about 50,000 ($65,000) a year, there is a thing in Ireland called "the childrens allowance" which brings the household income up to about 60,000 ($78,000) a year.
We have a small mortgage and the normal household bills. Irewland is an expensive country but what is happening is not right.

A number of years ago i backed my wife up in getting a pony for my eldest daughter and then last year without telling me she bought another horse for herself. She now puts the welfare of these horses before the welfare of the children. She is obsessed with horses (which i now hate with every fibre of my being) and puts them first in everything. As an example she told the kids last week that if there was something wrong with one of the horses (she thought that there was something wrong with a foot on one of them) that the family would be on bread and water, she infromed me last night that the kids would not be getting what they wanted for Christmas and they would make do. This type of thing is typical. Last year i did up a basic tal of income and expenditure for the family and found that 20,000 could not be accounted for and she would not explain it. The family weekly budget for food is 300 , there was always enough food there and some treats for the kids. She came back from shopping last week with half of what is normally got but with three bags of the best horse food bought from money ment for the family food budget, this is getting typical now. We have so much horse gear ( rugs and such) that one stable owner (where the horses were stabled) told me that it was ridiculus and she had never seen the like. My wife is taking money from the family account  and spending it on the horses so we have no savings at all. She has spent a small fortune on vets and farrier fees and can come up with every excuse on the planet as to where the money is gone. It gets so bad sometimes that i worry if i can put petrol in the car. I don't drink but she does (in the bedroom at night on her own).  At the moment over here it is freezing but i can't afford to get oil for the central heating, my kids are walking around wrapped in blankets they are so cold but the horses have the best of everything. She moved the horses a few months ago and when she moved them she had two options 1/ she found a local farmer that would rent her a field, it would probably cost about at the outside 1000 a year, but no that was not good enough. She opted for a stabling way that costs 100 a week plus food, bedding, hay and anything else that goes with it. I do not know much about horses so i am lost as far as they go.

The stress of this is killing me and i have a constant headache from it.

I am sorry if the post is disjointed but there is so much that i am typing as i think, there is a lot more but tis is the general idea


Man, I feel for you, I really do. That's just a messed up way of thinking and living on your wife's part. The way you put it, it seems that she has absolutely no regard to you or the children's wellbeing. I'm no saint myself, but I always put priorities in order, even if I must suffer a little. The woman I'm with now is not my wife, but was supposed to be. We wanted to get married, but she has MS and is on disability and the US goverment will take away her benefits since I'm not deemed to be either disabled or a full-time caregiver (both of which I technically am). I wouldn't say you are lucky by any means, but I know how it feels to be taken advantage of like that. We have 3 cats, and it's not really expensive to take care of them as they require little maintenance. Maybe a couple of dollars per day if that, and that includes cat litter (they all stay inside) so I'm good with that and I do love the little critters as well. Your situation is quite a bit different though. I really don't know what I would do if I were you, having children and all. In the states here, we would have the option of Child Protection Services if it got TOO bad, I just don't know what kind of laws and services like that that you might have over there. I DEFINITELY would not let children go hungry (even a little bit) in lieu of taking care of animals, nor would I stand for them being cold if I could do anything about it. Neither of us has any children, and sometimes I'm really glad we don't. Other times I wish that I had at least one or two kids, we're just getting too old and it's not a feasible thing anymore. Taking care of the cats is much easier on the nerves and the wallet, but if it came down to us being able to live I'd find another home for them, hating to do it all the while. Your wife needs a wake-up call if she is actually doing this. Me, I probably would have sold the horses or at the very least hire someone to "steal" them or something, if you know what I mean!
 
December 11, 2008, 10:54 am CST

Money

When an argument over money is about to break out, just go go go out of the room.
 
December 11, 2008, 11:02 am CST

Agree

Discuss financial matters.
 
December 19, 2008, 8:02 am CST

new businee with no money

my fiancee and i argue over money everyday.  He just opened a carry out restuarant last year and I have lowered his expected monthly home contributions three times in the past year and he still cant afford his monthly bills on a regular basis. I make a good steady income and he feels i should pay more.  I tell him he needs to get a second job although he works very hard and long hours 7days a week.  How do we split the bills so that i am being fair to him and me?
 
December 19, 2008, 8:03 am CST

his new business does not pay the bills

my fiancee and i argue over money everyday.  He just opened a carry out restuarant last year and I have lowered his expected monthly home contributions three times in the past year and he still cant afford his monthly bills on a regular basis. I make a good steady income and he feels i should pay more.  I tell him he needs to get a second job although he works very hard and long hours 7days a week.  How do we split the bills so that i am being fair to him and me?
 
February 13, 2009, 7:47 pm CST

Husband sends money to family

My husband is from a 3rd world country.  Most of his 10 siblings live in the US.  His 8 brothers have been very irresponsible having several children with several women.  Since we have vacationed in his homeland, his family is coming out of the woodwork begging for money.  He has sent thousands of dollars over the last 6 months to them.  This has been a huge source of tension in our marriage.  We have 4 children.  Two in college, a freshman in high school and a first grader.  We also have a mortgage, 3 car payments, and have almost paid down our credit cards.  We have several renovations to make on our house.  He lies about sending money and I always catch him in the lie.  I am the one in charge of finances of the home.  I have sat and explained where we stand.  He says it makes him feel good to send the money away, that it's HIS money and he can do whatever he wants with it and that he wants a divorce if I keep "nagging" at him about it.  I need HELP!!!!!!
 
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