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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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October 7, 2005, 5:01 pm CDT

Help!?

I have been an RN for 11 yrs.  Money has always been a problem in my 17 yr. marriage. There has never been enough!  Our biggest problems began when my husband quit working about 5 yrs ago. He became disabled and receives monthly benefits for this (diagnosed bipolar - faked it).  I am the breadwinner.  I feel all the responsibility for the family and the bills.  I don't like that.  My #1 gripe is that my husband controls all the money---his disability benefits and my income.  I work for the money and he gets it out of the bank, pays the bills (good), then puts the rest of my paycheck in his pocket!!!!!!!!!   I have to ask him for my money!!!!!!  Yet, he doesn't understand that the money I earn is my money.   He doesn't understand that it is demeaning to me to have to ask him for my money.  He doesn't seem to understand that I need money.   Yes, I expect my paycheck to pay the bills as well as his income.  But what is left is mine and belongs in my purse.  He goes to the store and buys things without consulting me.  Yet when I go to the store, he tells me not to get anything that is not on the list!!!  If I buy anything not on the list, he gripes with me.  He doesn't have a list or even tell me  when he goes to the store to purchase something. This subject causes horrible fights.  The word "control", if uttered by me describing my husband's behavior, causes him to become furious.  Yet, he is controlling, in every way.  And he just doesn't see it. (Today, I got my hair cut.  It was shorter than he liked it.  And he was angry, telling me I was bald, needed a baseball cap, etc.  Rude!  My hair is to my shoulders.  I had one inch cut off and my hair layered.  I told him "Its my hair!" Yes, Dr. Phil, I know that I am defending my actions.  I've had to for 17 yrs.)   I left this past May.  Stupid me came back 2 weeks later.  Every day, I think of leaving.  Actually, I am planning it and putting money aside.  Our daughter is in the middle.  He puts her there. (Dr. Phil, when I watch your show, he leaves the room!)    He used to threaten to take our daughter from me when we argued when she was younger.  So I stayed.  I wish I'd never married him. Huge mistake. 

 
October 7, 2005, 5:07 pm CDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: kar4242

I'm not sure if I have a problem or not.  My fiancee (we're getting married Aug 7th) is a "Collector" - he collects sports memorabilia, autographs, star wars stuff, kiss figurines, stamps, coins, department 56, and many, many other items.  We've been togehter for almost 3 years and I'm a little nervous about his collecting.  The items can be very expensive - we share a house together - he has 3 kids and we split the bills.  I'm afraid if he continues to buy items I will resent the fact that I'm paying for the kids to basically live here part time and he can afford to buy "stuff" and I'm just getting by.   He is loving to me, caring, supportive and he has paid his portion of the bills so far but he uses his income tax money to pay off his debt every year.  I'm just throwing this out there as I'm not really sure if there is any problem here.  His collecting has not damaged our relationship, except that I get a little resentful at times that I'm splitting the bills and he can afford to buy "stuff." I know that this caused a problem in his last marriage and they had plenty of money.  Now he takes home just a little bit more that I do after he pays the child support.  Thanks for listening.

I'm going to point out the obvious first.  I'm guessing you knew he was a collector when you married him.  So you knew what you were getting into.  I imagine it's a big part of who he is.  So it's unlikely to go away.  Just from what you've said, to me, it doesn't really sound like he's an obsessive collector, exactly.  It just sounds like kind of a normal collecting hobby.  I do understand how much money it takes because I am good friends with a true compulsive collector, who has to have everything that comes out, had to have every album made, every beta, every VHS, etc.  So I know it can be a problem, especially spacewise.  But if you knew this going in and it's who he is and it's not just a chemical imbalance or something, you're going to have to put up with it to some extent.   

  

The upside is that he is sitting on a gold mine.  I know Kiss memorabilia is very pricey, and certainly Star Wars.  You might plant this seed in his mind and see how it germinates:  Once the generation that loved a certain thing, such as Star Wars, pass a certain age, these type of items begin to lose value rather than gain value like true antiques.  The children of a Star Wars fanatic are unlikely to give a CRAP about having this stuff handed down to them and when they go to sell it, the generation of fans will be gone.  The time to sell is now on that stuff.  Same way with Kiss memorabilia.  Maybe he could be persuaded to sell some of his pieces now.  You might even pull out the ace in your pocket and tell him if he sold some of this stuff before it's past its prime, then that would make room for a new, more current collection.  If he would just sell some along, this hobby would pay for itself and then some.   

 
October 7, 2005, 5:09 pm CDT

Been there

Quote From: tracichan

 My fiance and I are debating on whether or not we are going to get a joint checking account or if we are just going to keep our personal ones.  He thinks that we should have a joint for bills, food, things we need for the house and necessities for our daughter....but then he thinks that with the joint we need to have our own personal checking accounts.  If we did things this way, we'd have to take 3 checkbooks to where we were going and have 3 balances to try and keep track of.  I think we need to just have a joint checking to prevent arguments of who is going to buy what when we buy things we want for ourselves, or an argument over just spending money just because its there and its MINE so I can spend it how I want.  Please share your suggestions and opinions!!!
I've been married for 17 years.  We have a joint checking account and I am just now squirreling away money to be able to leave him.  DON'T  have all of the money together.   My husband controls all the money and I am so unhappy.   I have to ask him for money.  I am the only one employed in this house.   Don't do that to yourself.   I just posted my first message describing more details of this situation.  Please feel free to read it.  God bless and I wish you the best.
 
October 7, 2005, 11:06 pm CDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: sugarfoot

I have been an RN for 11 yrs.  Money has always been a problem in my 17 yr. marriage. There has never been enough!  Our biggest problems began when my husband quit working about 5 yrs ago. He became disabled and receives monthly benefits for this (diagnosed bipolar - faked it).  I am the breadwinner.  I feel all the responsibility for the family and the bills.  I don't like that.  My #1 gripe is that my husband controls all the money---his disability benefits and my income.  I work for the money and he gets it out of the bank, pays the bills (good), then puts the rest of my paycheck in his pocket!!!!!!!!!   I have to ask him for my money!!!!!!  Yet, he doesn't understand that the money I earn is my money.   He doesn't understand that it is demeaning to me to have to ask him for my money.  He doesn't seem to understand that I need money.   Yes, I expect my paycheck to pay the bills as well as his income.  But what is left is mine and belongs in my purse.  He goes to the store and buys things without consulting me.  Yet when I go to the store, he tells me not to get anything that is not on the list!!!  If I buy anything not on the list, he gripes with me.  He doesn't have a list or even tell me  when he goes to the store to purchase something. This subject causes horrible fights.  The word "control", if uttered by me describing my husband's behavior, causes him to become furious.  Yet, he is controlling, in every way.  And he just doesn't see it. (Today, I got my hair cut.  It was shorter than he liked it.  And he was angry, telling me I was bald, needed a baseball cap, etc.  Rude!  My hair is to my shoulders.  I had one inch cut off and my hair layered.  I told him "Its my hair!" Yes, Dr. Phil, I know that I am defending my actions.  I've had to for 17 yrs.)   I left this past May.  Stupid me came back 2 weeks later.  Every day, I think of leaving.  Actually, I am planning it and putting money aside.  Our daughter is in the middle.  He puts her there. (Dr. Phil, when I watch your show, he leaves the room!)    He used to threaten to take our daughter from me when we argued when she was younger.  So I stayed.  I wish I'd never married him. Huge mistake. 

Why not start your own checking account with your name only. Deposit what is to be used for bills and such in the joint account and then whatever in your own account. or deposit the check into the joint account but keep out whatever it is you need. Or just deposit it all in your account and take care of the bills your self and let him have his monthly benefits for it sounds like he would find a way to claim the money for himself any way and at least you would have some control. Remember too, that we teach people how to treat us and as long as he knows he can get away with this, he will continue to do so. Communication is definetly a good key to have in a marriage but if one is not willing to listen and to help figure out a solution then the other must take action.
 
October 7, 2005, 11:13 pm CDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: tracichan

 My fiance and I are debating on whether or not we are going to get a joint checking account or if we are just going to keep our personal ones.  He thinks that we should have a joint for bills, food, things we need for the house and necessities for our daughter....but then he thinks that with the joint we need to have our own personal checking accounts.  If we did things this way, we'd have to take 3 checkbooks to where we were going and have 3 balances to try and keep track of.  I think we need to just have a joint checking to prevent arguments of who is going to buy what when we buy things we want for ourselves, or an argument over just spending money just because its there and its MINE so I can spend it how I want.  Please share your suggestions and opinions!!!
Maybe you can go the route of seperate as well but make that your own personal money and everything from the joint account goes for all neccessities, if it isn't a must or a need then it needs to come out of the personal account of the one who wants the item. Talk about this before deciding on the amount and come up with an agreement together. One of the number one resons for divorce is the subject of money. communicate and respect each other and sometimes that means compromising.
 
October 8, 2005, 10:04 am CDT

No Money Ready To Move On

 My wife and I have be married for 5yrs with no kids. Over the past 1yr 1/2 we have been having money problems.  I currently work two jobs and  handle all the bills. My wife  works commission only which pays sometimes once every 3 months. We still continue to have two cars and a home which is very hard for me to pay for along with the other bills. I have made several attempts to explain to her that another job with a regular income will fix our money issues. I have suggested may a career change but she does not agree. She seems to feel that is the man responsibility to take care of the home. I find myself in a struggle and very depressed. We are living from check to check for about a year 1/2. We have no savings and our accounts are always over withdrawn. Every week we do not have any money to get to work or buy food for the house.  Every time I attempt to talk to her we get in a big argument over money. I am ready to give up. She is talking her anger out on me because we are always broke.  I don't know what to do. She does not want to cut back on the livings expenses such as sell the car etc...or find another stable employment. I am ready to move on with my life. I fell that I should not have to suffer anymore. I want the best for myself and my wife but I need her help, but if she will not help me I am ready to move on.  

  

Advice need! 

  

Thanks! 

 
October 8, 2005, 9:41 pm CDT

I have a feeling your

Quote From: dlink4187

 My wife and I have be married for 5yrs with no kids. Over the past 1yr 1/2 we have been having money problems.  I currently work two jobs and  handle all the bills. My wife  works commission only which pays sometimes once every 3 months. We still continue to have two cars and a home which is very hard for me to pay for along with the other bills. I have made several attempts to explain to her that another job with a regular income will fix our money issues. I have suggested may a career change but she does not agree. She seems to feel that is the man responsibility to take care of the home. I find myself in a struggle and very depressed. We are living from check to check for about a year 1/2. We have no savings and our accounts are always over withdrawn. Every week we do not have any money to get to work or buy food for the house.  Every time I attempt to talk to her we get in a big argument over money. I am ready to give up. She is talking her anger out on me because we are always broke.  I don't know what to do. She does not want to cut back on the livings expenses such as sell the car etc...or find another stable employment. I am ready to move on with my life. I fell that I should not have to suffer anymore. I want the best for myself and my wife but I need her help, but if she will not help me I am ready to move on.  

  

Advice need! 

  

Thanks! 

wifes heels are dug in.  She is dead wrong to feel that it is only your responsibility to take care of the home - It's supposed to be shared!!!  One of the reasons you have no money is that your checking account is always overdrawn - with $25 being taken by the bank for every nsf check - good grief man - that adds up - have you ever added up those nsf chgs and told her to look.  Maybe she can't handle reality.  Just by what you say - she sounds selfish - but as Phil says 'no matter how flat you make the pancake, there's always two sides. 

  

I am going to tell you to somehow make contact with her and see if you can pentrate her cranial activity. 

 
October 9, 2005, 12:10 pm CDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: renagade

wifes heels are dug in.  She is dead wrong to feel that it is only your responsibility to take care of the home - It's supposed to be shared!!!  One of the reasons you have no money is that your checking account is always overdrawn - with $25 being taken by the bank for every nsf check - good grief man - that adds up - have you ever added up those nsf chgs and told her to look.  Maybe she can't handle reality.  Just by what you say - she sounds selfish - but as Phil says 'no matter how flat you make the pancake, there's always two sides. 

  

I am going to tell you to somehow make contact with her and see if you can pentrate her cranial activity. 

  

 Thank you for the response. 

  

 Actually as I type we just had another argument about this topic again. I asked her again to see if she  can get a part time job to cover the dry times we she does not make income. She will not respond to me. I suggest that we sell the car but she is not willing. Yes she is selfish. She does go to work and feel that is enough or count towards the living of the household. I see it as more a income or financial way. Not to say that a certain amount of money is needed to made, but I don't know how she can go to work daily and not have any income and then be upset that we are broke. It takes money to survive! Also yes! the NFS fees to add sometimes in the hundreds. She refuses to check the account to see the status of the balance only ask me or ask other s for money. I have been looking around for other options I am very tried from working. I  have invested a lot of money and time to get a good education to not live like this. I have been trying to see what is wrong but she will not talk or just yell back. I do agree that see does not see the reality of life. I have tried to motivate her but I find myself over time now being depressed...now we have two people depressed. I will try again tonight to see if marriage counsel will work. Maybe she will tell some else the problem. In the meantime I am sure how long I can hold on with the expenses before something bad happens. 

  

Thanks again! 

 
October 10, 2005, 4:56 pm CDT

Money & Relationship

Money is often the excuse for other problems. Actually the problem is often a lack of mutual expectations. I have never lost a friend when I was honest and turned down an offered opportunity because I could not afford it. When dating, the ultimate purpose of the date is to learn more about each other & how we "fit". Dating should be a sharing of resources to accomplish that goal. Yes, I was supprised (and very much pleased) when my (now wife) date showed me that she was willing to put her resosurces into being with me. (Read - pick up the dinner check.) -------- Money in a lasting relationship - (marriage is only one example) is only one of many a mutual agreements of resource management. -- In our case, we were both sucessful singles in work as well as social life. Our continueing relationship is based on two good lives choosing to be together for mutual benefit. Simply put, we have a 3 bank account financal system. Her accounts/incomes + my accounts/incomes and OUR accounts/incomes. This way we EACH have funds (resources) that are private responsibility and we equally share in all the 'family' needs. BOTHof our names are on all accounts yet there is only one check book for each account. --This system requires the responsibility of being single and the joy of having a true PARTNER. The best part of my marriage is whenever she chooses to come in the door. She was a sucessful in all ways single and could be again. She knows that, so I know when she comes in the door that she is continueing to choose to be with me.That feels good!!!
 
October 11, 2005, 2:16 am CDT

My husband refuses to contribute

Four years ago my husband quit his job and started his own business.  We agreed that he would not pay himself for one year to get the business established.  Unfortunately, the business is still barely making enough money to support itself, and is acquiring more and more debt.  Whenever I suggest my husband help out with the bills at home, he says he cannot afford to pay himself yet. 

  

Meanwhile, the burden of supporting the entire household is on me.  I feel like he doesn't realize how expensive the cost of living is.  He expects me to be able to pay all of our personal expenses by myself with one meager income.  Now we have incurred enormous credit card debt, and have absolutely no financial security.  We can't save any money for emergencies, kids' college or anything.  I've decided to take a second job just to make ends meet.  

  

We already live in a pretty small house, and drive older cars, but my husband refuses to downsize.  He also refuses to give up on the business and get a paying job to help out with our household expenses.  He keeps insisting that the business will pick up soon.  After hearing this for four years, I'm beginning to think my husband is living in Fantasyland.   

  

I feel guilty for not wanting to support my husband so he can work toward his lifelong dream.  But I also feel like he is really taking advantage of me by not contributing to our household expenses! 

 
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