Home Message Boards

Topic : Lying about Money/Spending

Number of Replies: 190
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:23:21 am
Author : dataimport
Do you find yourself not telling the whole truth about where the money goes every month? Is your spouse or child untruthful about their spending habits? Share your stories and coping strategies.

Join the new Dr. Phil Community! Currently in BETA, the new Dr. Phil Community will allow you to personalize your message board experience. Start by creating your user profile here.

For help and FAQs on the new BETA Community, please click here.

 
putter
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
April 22, 2007, 3:29 am PDT

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: nikili

My husband recently got a good paying job after nearly 12 years of our marriage. Through all this while i have put him through school and worked myself out even with 2 small kids. I managed the finances all the while, decided how much to spend, planning of holidays, even how much was available to buy the car etc.  After he got this job, we decided that it was time for me to stay at home and enjoy with the kids.  seems like a dream... but the problem is this, I find that he is working now without a budget in mind.  Also I find that he hardly ever talks to me before buying anything, especially gifts for his side of the family.. Earlier, we used to pool our funds and decide the gifts for both sides of the family together.  But now, I come to know of it when I see the bills.  I feel it is not fair that just because a woman is at home, she has no say in where the money gets spent.  Sure I still have access to buying general household stuff, but no say in the big purchases.  Am I wrong in expecting my husband to talk to me before he goes off to buy some electronic item.  Please help me in undertanding the mind of a man who becomes the sole bread winner.

   The woman at home is contributing cash value to the marriage thru grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, child care, paperwork. etc.  Statistics say this is worth up to $58,000/yr.  This gives you equal rights with the cash provider, in all areas of discussion.  If you can't get the respect or equality you deserve, here is  my suggestion:  charge your husband housekeeping wages that he can afford, maybe a portion of his income or a set amount.  This goes into YOUR private wages account.  YOU decide what to do with it.  This lowers his discretionary spending, and raises yours.  It puts the "cash value" of your contributions into real cash.  In some marriages, this ends the argument.  It acknowledges that you worked for it and you earned it.  Don't be inhibited about asking for the money: you gave him money while you were working.

   The only catch is, I do not recommend this for women who sit around and do nothing all day.  If you watch TV, get fat, and the laundry and dinner is never done, you might not deserve the same wages as a high-functioning mom/housewife. 
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
putter
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
April 22, 2007, 3:34 am PDT

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: leeann475

And boy, can I relate to what everyone is saying.  My husband and I have been married for 4 years.  We have one daughter (18 months).  We fight constantly about money.  Our financial arrangement has always been to put equal amounts of money into a joint account and pay our bills from that.  However, when the baby was born, we bought a bigger house, and I took a lower paying (but much less hours and stress) job so that I could be a mother to her.  I still work full time, so when I say much less hours, I am down from the 60 hour a week job I had before.  The new job pays about $12,000 a year less, plus our living expenses quadrupled.  My husband makes significantly more than me, yet still insisted that I pay half of everything.  When I would try to tell him I couldn't afford it, he would get angry with me and accuse me of spending too much.

 

I have credit card debt that he knows nothing about just trying to keep up with my half of things and keep him happy.  It was easier to lie and hide than to deal with the faxt that he wouldn't compromise, and that he only saw my value in dollars contributed rather than the care I give our daughter and the house and everything else.  Unfortunately, I'm now a wreck of emotion -- cry at the drop of the hat, and am so anxious about money concerns that I can't sleep at night.

 

I've tried to talk with him about this.  He says that the arrangement will never change.  That the only problem is that I spend too much and don't live within MY means.  I want our marriage to be more than a scorecard.  Even if he takes me out to dinner, I know he's keeping a tally somewhere in his head, and I feel that I have to reciprocate or else there's tension.  Even things that should be simple -- like the doctor bill for our daughter's birth is an issue simply because it was MY doctor -- why should he have to pay???  I'm at wit's end trying to keep my marriage from floundering and myself from feeling like a crying, emotional, crazy woman all the time.  I keep thinking I should leave, but I really want my daughter to have both parents and a stable life.

 

I'm tired of the fighting, tired of the hiding, tired of the lying, and tired of feeling as if I am simply a number somewhere on his ledger.   

What is your total income?  What is his per cent of the total income?  What is your per cent of the total income?  That is the per cent of the bills he should pay, and that is the per cent of the bills you should pay.
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
kimikomine
User Mood
Touched

Message Emote
blank
May 8, 2007, 1:47 pm PDT

What about money that is made off the books?

Quote From: putter

What is your total income?  What is his per cent of the total income?  What is your per cent of the total income?  That is the per cent of the bills he should pay, and that is the per cent of the bills you should pay.

Cash in hand? How does that factor into a marriage and the financial contributions? It usually fluctuates so it is not always easy to predict earnings. Or do you calculate only money earned on the books, like full time, committed jobs?

 

I like the percentage factor. It makes a lot of sense but when it comes to the cash part, should married people consider cash free money to do what they want?

 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
putter
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
May 12, 2007, 1:41 am PDT

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: kimikomine

Cash in hand? How does that factor into a marriage and the financial contributions? It usually fluctuates so it is not always easy to predict earnings. Or do you calculate only money earned on the books, like full time, committed jobs?

 

I like the percentage factor. It makes a lot of sense but when it comes to the cash part, should married people consider cash free money to do what they want?

Yes. I think married people should budget in recreation, savings, and allowances.  Everyone says they cannot afford these things.  But with agreement it can be arranged.  For example, by lowering housing costs to 1/3 the income, carpooling, limiting impulse buys, it is possible to save 5% to 10% in a locked-in account, budget 10% for recreation like skiis or bikes, and give each other $50 or $100 per payday as allowance.  Each couple has to negotiate depending on circumstances.  Being forever cash-strapped takes the fun out of life.  Re-ordering priorities can put the fun back in.  Money stress leads to depression and anger.  Couples must address this.
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
kimikomine
User Mood
Touched

Message Emote
blank
May 15, 2007, 1:45 pm PDT

Thanks for answering.

Quote From: putter

Yes. I think married people should budget in recreation, savings, and allowances.  Everyone says they cannot afford these things.  But with agreement it can be arranged.  For example, by lowering housing costs to 1/3 the income, carpooling, limiting impulse buys, it is possible to save 5% to 10% in a locked-in account, budget 10% for recreation like skiis or bikes, and give each other $50 or $100 per payday as allowance.  Each couple has to negotiate depending on circumstances.  Being forever cash-strapped takes the fun out of life.  Re-ordering priorities can put the fun back in.  Money stress leads to depression and anger.  Couples must address this.

I also think married people should be open about their earnings, on and off the books but it seems a lot of people like to "hoard" for lack of a better word when it comes to their money..even in marriages. I got married to  my husband and we were both 40 so we were set in our ways big time and our spending on leisure was pretty much engrained already. Having an allowance seems fair but I don't think it is reasonable when you take two independant working adults.

 

My biggest dilema is my husband works a lot and earns a lot. I work a full time job and have a part time as well; his income of course being much more then mine. His hobbies are also more expensive. His boat rings up there. My biggest spending would be books or music stuff. I also like to go on retreats and to concerts here and there. Being cash strapped would feel like really odd for us. But my question now is, he keeps asking me to contribute more and to be honest, I can't afford him! I want to be fair (and he calls me cheap btw) but I think a % of income is more fair for main bills. What % is fair when it comes to rent? We pay $1,100 a month. He earns about $100,000 a year...I earn about $50,000. Putting all cash jobs aside. What do you think? Thanks. I am just trying to get a handle on it - no pressure.
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
putter
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
May 17, 2007, 1:43 am PDT

Percentages

Quote From: kimikomine

I also think married people should be open about their earnings, on and off the books but it seems a lot of people like to "hoard" for lack of a better word when it comes to their money..even in marriages. I got married to  my husband and we were both 40 so we were set in our ways big time and our spending on leisure was pretty much engrained already. Having an allowance seems fair but I don't think it is reasonable when you take two independant working adults.

 

My biggest dilema is my husband works a lot and earns a lot. I work a full time job and have a part time as well; his income of course being much more then mine. His hobbies are also more expensive. His boat rings up there. My biggest spending would be books or music stuff. I also like to go on retreats and to concerts here and there. Being cash strapped would feel like really odd for us. But my question now is, he keeps asking me to contribute more and to be honest, I can't afford him! I want to be fair (and he calls me cheap btw) but I think a % of income is more fair for main bills. What % is fair when it comes to rent? We pay $1,100 a month. He earns about $100,000 a year...I earn about $50,000. Putting all cash jobs aside. What do you think? Thanks. I am just trying to get a handle on it - no pressure.

Apportioning bills by ability to pay is a legal precedent.  $100,000 is 2/3 of total income of $150,000.  2/3 of $1100 rent is $733.33.  Your portion would be $366.67.

 
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
kimikomine
User Mood
Touched

Message Emote
blank
May 18, 2007, 3:42 am PDT

Very Well. That is exactly what I give!

Quote From: putter

Apportioning bills by ability to pay is a legal precedent.  $100,000 is 2/3 of total income of $150,000.  2/3 of $1100 rent is $733.33.  Your portion would be $366.67.

 

Awsome. I am glad I wrote here. I got my answer. I have been feeling like I have been a cheapie. Thanks. Have a good one.
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
doggielover
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
June 7, 2007, 4:37 am PDT

Hi I am new to this

Quote From: kimikomine

Cash in hand? How does that factor into a marriage and the financial contributions? It usually fluctuates so it is not always easy to predict earnings. Or do you calculate only money earned on the books, like full time, committed jobs?

 

I like the percentage factor. It makes a lot of sense but when it comes to the cash part, should married people consider cash free money to do what they want?

Hi I am new to this pretty much but wanted you  to know my story. Here it is.....

 

The first of August 2005 my husband told me he needed 24,000.00 because of dept. He also told me he has not cheated on me.

A good friend of his who is a lawyer offered his services to help him get out of dept at no charge. My father, my husband's father and myself loaned them the money to help pay the dept. It was going to be a settlement type. It could take a long time.  In Sept 2005 I found out on my own that his dept was a lot more than he said. The 24,000.00 was just a small portion of the dept. Instead of the other figure it was 80,000.00 of dept. He and his friend knew this and did not tell me. I found out by getting my husband's credit report on my own.

 He promised to pay all of us back.  

In Oct 2005 I did see an atty on my own with my dad just to see what my options were to find out if I am responsible or not. The atty I had wanted to talk to my husband and friend just to see how they planned on getting him out of the dept. It back fired and they did not have the conversation. I only went for that reason. I felt like I needed representation in case they couldn't get him out of dept. His friend told the atty the dept is marital dept. I did find out on my own without him knowing that the dept is not all marital.

This divorce would be that I had no idea of the dept. He is also into the Internet. 

I filed for divorce in March of 2006 and it is not nearly final. I am living on my own now but have no credit because of what he did. Most of the divorce is just finding out what the dept is and coming up with a settlement.

The divorce was final Nov 13,2006 but we did not reach a settlement until the end of Jan 2007. We were going to trial but did not have to. I won the divorce because I had tons of cc statements and he did not want me to know what was on them. People say I am stronger for having called the different banks and getting the statements myself. I do feel stronger for that reason.

I know I am so much better off but it took lots of counseling and my pastor to help me through it. I know he made the decision to do what he did but I made the right one to get divorced.

I know my life will go on and Britney my dog and I will be fine.

He has totally ruined my credit which I am trying to fix with a major credit card. He wrote 17 cc checks totaling almost 18,000.00 forging my name. I filed a police report per the cc and they said if I did that they would most likely remove this from my credit report. The thing is, I have cerebral palsy and am on total disability and would have never done this to myself. The cc has the police report in their legal dept and I am praying they will take this off my record since I didn't do this. I know I sound a mess but I am blessed to be out of the situation but living with such a lier was not easy. He was so secretive and distant but now I know why. I wish I didn't. I appreciate you all listening. I have a wonderful support with friends church and family too. I have learned a huge lesson. He kept statements from me on purpose and lied about our finances for years. I have big time trust issues when it comes to money or credit. I know a lot more of what he did just recently but will explain later. I always said Dr. Phil should read this story lol. I always felt that married couples should sit down and share their money and be honest of where it is going. I really appreciate you all listening. Thanks Doggielover

 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
doggielover
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
June 7, 2007, 4:37 am PDT

Hi I am new to this

Quote From: kimikomine

Cash in hand? How does that factor into a marriage and the financial contributions? It usually fluctuates so it is not always easy to predict earnings. Or do you calculate only money earned on the books, like full time, committed jobs?

 

I like the percentage factor. It makes a lot of sense but when it comes to the cash part, should married people consider cash free money to do what they want?

Hi I am new to this pretty much but wanted you  to know my story. Here it is.....

 

The first of August 2005 my husband told me he needed 24,000.00 because of dept. He also told me he has not cheated on me.

A good friend of his who is a lawyer offered his services to help him get out of dept at no charge. My father, my husband's father and myself loaned them the money to help pay the dept. It was going to be a settlement type. It could take a long time.  In Sept 2005 I found out on my own that his dept was a lot more than he said. The 24,000.00 was just a small portion of the dept. Instead of the other figure it was 80,000.00 of dept. He and his friend knew this and did not tell me. I found out by getting my husband's credit report on my own.

 He promised to pay all of us back.  

In Oct 2005 I did see an atty on my own with my dad just to see what my options were to find out if I am responsible or not. The atty I had wanted to talk to my husband and friend just to see how they planned on getting him out of the dept. It back fired and they did not have the conversation. I only went for that reason. I felt like I needed representation in case they couldn't get him out of dept. His friend told the atty the dept is marital dept. I did find out on my own without him knowing that the dept is not all marital.

This divorce would be that I had no idea of the dept. He is also into the Internet. 

I filed for divorce in March of 2006 and it is not nearly final. I am living on my own now but have no credit because of what he did. Most of the divorce is just finding out what the dept is and coming up with a settlement.

The divorce was final Nov 13,2006 but we did not reach a settlement until the end of Jan 2007. We were going to trial but did not have to. I won the divorce because I had tons of cc statements and he did not want me to know what was on them. People say I am stronger for having called the different banks and getting the statements myself. I do feel stronger for that reason.

I know I am so much better off but it took lots of counseling and my pastor to help me through it. I know he made the decision to do what he did but I made the right one to get divorced.

I know my life will go on and Britney my dog and I will be fine.

He has totally ruined my credit which I am trying to fix with a major credit card. He wrote 17 cc checks totaling almost 18,000.00 forging my name. I filed a police report per the cc and they said if I did that they would most likely remove this from my credit report. The thing is, I have cerebral palsy and am on total disability and would have never done this to myself. The cc has the police report in their legal dept and I am praying they will take this off my record since I didn't do this. I know I sound a mess but I am blessed to be out of the situation but living with such a lier was not easy. He was so secretive and distant but now I know why. I wish I didn't. I appreciate you all listening. I have a wonderful support with friends church and family too. I have learned a huge lesson. He kept statements from me on purpose and lied about our finances for years. I have big time trust issues when it comes to money or credit. I know a lot more of what he did just recently but will explain later. I always said Dr. Phil should read this story lol. I always felt that married couples should sit down and share their money and be honest of where it is going. I really appreciate you all listening. Thanks Doggielover

 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
flamingo14

Message Emote
worried
July 13, 2007, 11:34 am PDT

How can I help my daughter?

My daughter is grown and married, and has a 2 year old son and another son on the way. she has 2 degrees including a BA in Business. (the first member of our family to get a finish college) Her husband has a degree in Graphic Arts. He has not found a job yet. He graduated over a year ago. He has been running a sole proprietorship business from home for years. It doesn't make much money, but does give them a tax benefit. They recently mover to Seattle Washington so she could take a great paying job. Well now she is pregnant with her 2nd son, and facing overwhelming financial problems. She would not like to work after the new baby is born, but since she is the main breadwinner of the family and they have racked up quite a debt she may have to. However since she had some health concerns with the birth of her first child, Medical reasons my prevent her from going back to work right away any way. Her husband is reluctant to close down the business, and can't seem to find a job in his chosen field. They both have student loans due, there are doctor bills from the first baby's birth, and numerous other bills piled up. My daughter is very smart with money and bills, but so many emergencies have hit her in the last 2 years, the bills have grown and now the stress of it all threatens her pregnancy, and her marriage. The movers lost many of their things, including the crib, The house they are renting has ants and many structural problems, and the only family she has (myself and her brother) lives pretty far from her, so there is no one to babysit or come by to comfort her. They are at a crossroads now. I can not help financially, as I am disabled and have no money myself. She is looking for a dept counselor that won't charge her much to help her set a new plan to get out of dept. And I think her husband need someone to advise him on closing down the business and get a full time job. I am worried sick about her. since she was 7 years old I have done everything I could to take care of my little family, Myself, My daughter and my Son ( who has bi-polar disorder) . Is there anyone out there who can help me help her? does anyone know of help in Seattle? It's not as though she was running a much with a credit card, buying shoes and purses. She has  been working since she was 16 and put herself through college and supported herself, her husband and her own children for years now.  She is a very responsible woman.  I just can't stand to hear her cry over the phone, knowing I can help. I can't even watch my grandson while she goes to the movies for a couple of hours to forget about her problems.  I am sure some of you know, no mater how old they are, they will alway be you little child you want to hold in your arms.

 

A Loving Mom

 

 
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
Post a Message

First | Prev | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Next | Last