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Topic : Lying about Money/Spending

Number of Replies: 190
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:23:21 am
Author : dataimport
Do you find yourself not telling the whole truth about where the money goes every month? Is your spouse or child untruthful about their spending habits? Share your stories and coping strategies.

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November 25, 2005, 9:31 pm CST

Leave him or drag him to Dr. Phil and Robin

Quote From: kit_kat74

I don't know where to begin....I've been married for 8yrs, and about  2 yrs into the marriage, I discovered the "other side" of my husband.  Maxing out my cc, hiding my statements so I wouldn't find out, obtaining cc in my name with my info, and with in the last few yrs, hitting the casino's.  I know all about GA, and have highly suggested it to him.  He doesn't like to discuss this topic with me and now I've discovered a loan that he's gotten for, I'm assuming, gambling debt!  What else could be worth $20,000.00?!  Anyway, I'm hoping someone out here can relate to this and somehow share their advice or give some suggestions.  Thanks to all! 
Well you certainly have your hands full. If kids are in the picture you are not going to be able to provide the best for them. If you stay in this relationship  and his spending increases or even stays the same perhaps you should get familiar with some good second hand stores and thrift agencies. If the debt continues, you will not be able to provide for your kids. Going to McDonald's will be out of your budget because to feed 3 people you're spending over 20.00 for meals and a few hours later be hungry........ Hearing "would you like fries with that?" will be a distant memory.  If you need a car.....your credit will be so damaged that it would be impossible to get a car loan. Make sure you live in the city where you can take public transport.......but then again a monthy pass is expensive too! Being dishonest about spending your own money is one thing, but spending someone elses to the point of debt, loans, and creditor calls is stressful, depressing, and causes anxiety. My heart goes out to you. I hope that he will change his habits......other wise you are going to be in for a long, hard, bumpy road. I'm not trying to be mean in any way so please don't take this the wrong way, but in all seriousness please be careful and I strongly urge you to talk and discuss things in a civil manner with your husband, the one you fell in love with enough to marry.
 
November 28, 2005, 5:25 pm CST

34.00 a kid????

Quote From: landey

Ok let's all be frank. How many people lie to a friend/family member about how much they spend when faced with the possibility that they over spent for a particular item? For example, I just bought Dora the Explorer Talking Kitchen. I spent $79.99 at Toys R Us. However, my husband and I saw it advertise at Target for much less. After loosing the receipt desperately trying to find it. I told my husband that I spent less than the advertised sale price at Target.  Did I lie? Sure. As trivial as that may seem let's go to the bigger picture. My son has a birthday party coming up. I told my husband that it is going to cost 200.00 for the event. However, it costs 34.00 a kid and my son has invited 12 children to his party. Ummmmm a little more than the 200.00 quoted to my husband. I figure I pay the bills and I can take the extra from money that I would have normally spent on myself. Should I have to justify the spending if in the end the kids are happy? I don't have a mess at the house to clean up, and someone else runs the party. Besides, since I am spending my money (extra diverted to my own needs etc., is it really any of my husband's business? The fact is to make up the difference, I'll just do my own hair dye job this month and not go to my hair stylist for my monthly cut, dye, highlight, head massage, hot oil treatment, and manicure.  That will make up most of the extra costs. Perhaps we'll eat Kraft dinner instead of steak....hahaha (not that there's anything wrong with K.D.....especially once you add the weiners).  Seriously though....is that such a big deal? And Yes, I am the spender, but my husband spends quite well on his own without my permission and he fabricates his amounts as much or more than I do. It seems as though we are always getting the deal of the century!! We never go over our personal budgets and we're not in debt. Perhaps I come by it honestly.  I remember my mother telling my father that the donation to the Church was 20.00 when in fact she gave 200.00!! She justified it as a noble cause and to tell my father would/could bring on his angina. So......is it really, REALLY a BIG BBBIIIIIIGGGGGGG deal to fabricate for the greater good and peace int the house?  If lying is the issue......how many time have you told your spouse that he/she looked great when in fact he/she looked like something the cat dragged in.... ? Is there really a difference between lying about one thing and not the other? Aren't both lies 'peace keeping strategies?'  If in the end no one is hurt.....have you done wrong???
No offense, and it sounds like its not a big deal to you, but what the heck do you do at a birthday party where you have to spend $34 on each kid???  With 12 kids and assuming your son gets in free because of his birthday, thats still $408 for a birthday party!!  Thats my mortgage payment!!
 
December 3, 2005, 1:06 pm CST

not being able to talk about money

 Ok I have a problem with being able to tell my husband when we come into financial difficulty, and if we bounce checks.  Only because I am afraid of what he might say to me.  Especially when he is the only one making that money and puttin gme thru nursing school.  I do not spend any money with out him knowing.  My biggest problem is not being able to tell him the truth when we bounce something or when I have to cancel a payment.  I just try to deal with it but then it comes to get me in trouble and he is ready to pack up and leave.  How do I fix this problem with myself. 
 
December 6, 2005, 8:49 pm CST

I understand what your husband is doing!!

Quote From: landey

Well you certainly have your hands full. If kids are in the picture you are not going to be able to provide the best for them. If you stay in this relationship  and his spending increases or even stays the same perhaps you should get familiar with some good second hand stores and thrift agencies. If the debt continues, you will not be able to provide for your kids. Going to McDonald's will be out of your budget because to feed 3 people you're spending over 20.00 for meals and a few hours later be hungry........ Hearing "would you like fries with that?" will be a distant memory.  If you need a car.....your credit will be so damaged that it would be impossible to get a car loan. Make sure you live in the city where you can take public transport.......but then again a monthy pass is expensive too! Being dishonest about spending your own money is one thing, but spending someone elses to the point of debt, loans, and creditor calls is stressful, depressing, and causes anxiety. My heart goes out to you. I hope that he will change his habits......other wise you are going to be in for a long, hard, bumpy road. I'm not trying to be mean in any way so please don't take this the wrong way, but in all seriousness please be careful and I strongly urge you to talk and discuss things in a civil manner with your husband, the one you fell in love with enough to marry.

  

I have been married for 12 years now and hide financial problems from my husband just like your husband does to you.  I know for me that it is a control issue and I have a hard time not being in control, even though I know that I will screw it up again, but it is not easy to live this why for either one of you.  I bet your husband doesn't sleep much because I know that I don't.  I worry all the time when is the other shoe will drop.  Please try to get your husband to talk to you about this problem, as I currently am trying to talk to my husband about the big mistake I just made and it is not easy.  I have gone through all the emotions that could happen like: hate, disgust, regret, guilt, him leaving me, me losing our home , restlessness, loss of hope and many more. Please understand that your husband maybe like me have other issues that he can't figure out and he is calling out for help.  I would have to say that your husband is looking for something in his life that he has not found yet.  I do understand both sides of the coin.   

 
December 7, 2005, 12:44 pm CST

Thank you for your understanding!

Quote From: zforce

  

I have been married for 12 years now and hide financial problems from my husband just like your husband does to you.  I know for me that it is a control issue and I have a hard time not being in control, even though I know that I will screw it up again, but it is not easy to live this why for either one of you.  I bet your husband doesn't sleep much because I know that I don't.  I worry all the time when is the other shoe will drop.  Please try to get your husband to talk to you about this problem, as I currently am trying to talk to my husband about the big mistake I just made and it is not easy.  I have gone through all the emotions that could happen like: hate, disgust, regret, guilt, him leaving me, me losing our home , restlessness, loss of hope and many more. Please understand that your husband maybe like me have other issues that he can't figure out and he is calling out for help.  I would have to say that your husband is looking for something in his life that he has not found yet.  I do understand both sides of the coin.   

He say's he wants to talk, but then after the kids are asleep he gets on this computer and then I go to bed!  Whenever I want to talk about this problem, he answers all my questions with one-word answers.. He says he's ashamed, he feels guilty, yadda yadda....I'm just sick of hearing the same song and dance over and over! (for the past 9yrs!)  It's obvious to me he definately needs help, however I can't put a gun to his head and make him go!! Or can I?!!  I'm so close to just walking out; and then I think of the kids and how devestated they'd be!  Dr Phil, are you out here??????!!!!!!  I wonder what it is that my husband may be looking for?. I refuse to give up on him and this marriage, but at the same time I refuse to continue on in this way!  Does any of this make sense?  Thanks again! 

 
December 10, 2005, 9:57 pm CST

Husband hiding spending

My husband and I have $7000 in credit card dept, his school loan of 26,000 and two car loans. He's in the military and wanting to get out in June so we're wanting to get everything paid off by then. We have a 6 month old son and I was a SAHM but I now started working full time Customer Service at night to help pay everything off. He's always lecturing me about not putting things on the credit card but everything I put on there I make sure we have the money for an pay off. He came up with this great plan that we could both spend $100 a month on whatever we want, the problem is that I never spend money on myself that I just spend it on household and baby stuff but he wanted an excuse to spend a $100 a month on computer parts and games. We got a consumer loan to pay off all of our cards so that we just have to worry about 1 payment with a set interest rate. When I went to go pay them off I asked for the log in for his credit card, when he didn't want to tell me I tried a few things and figured it out. He bought $650 worth of computer parts last month! Everything he asked me about getting  I budget and figure out a way for us to afford it but he went out and spent this money without even consulting me. He put it on a credit card, when he knows we can't afford it. It's like he thinks that I'm working just to buy him stuff. The month before that he spent $150 on a new gaming keyboard, mouse and mousepad without telling me and I was pissed about that so why in the world would he do this?  He works and goes to school full time so is never home to help with the house or the baby but thinks that he needs computer games to unwind.
 
December 27, 2005, 8:12 am CST

At My Wits End

 I'm so glad I found this thread!  My husband of 10 years started his own business last year.  I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past 4 years in order to raise our daughter.  He started the business with lies, by saying he couldn't FIND another job so he HAD to go out on his own.  We had no start up capital, so all the start up costs ($100,000+) went on personal credit cards.  He led everyone to believe that the business was THRIVING.  It wasn't.  Just the opposite.  He started giving me bad checks from the business in order to pay our bills.  He even went as far as to change the password on our bank account on line so I couldn't get the correct balances!  He blamed the bank for "losing" deposits and actually had me write a nasty letter to the bank MANAGER, when there was never any desposit.  He even tried to use extend the limits on MY credit cards without my knowledge, at least until the denial letters came in the mail to me.  He's been threatened with lawsuits and we've lost friends who he was in business with over this.  We had to remortgage our house to pay down our debt and to pay back our families for the loans that they gave us.   I forced him to go to counseling for the compulsive lying, but he stopped going after four sessions, so the letter came from the doctor demanding the co-pays for the sessions he didn't even bother to call and cancel.  I had a little 'intervention" with our close friends and he's agreed to close down the business and he is currently working for someone else, but I don't know if I can ever trust another word he says.  I've caught him in so many lies again and again AFTER he's promised me he'd be honest with me from now on.  I stashed some money away for myself and ALL the finances are in my name and under my control.  He has no access to them and has to ask me for EVERY penny until he proves himself again.  In the meantime, my marriage is in shambles, I cried through the Holidays and I still don't know if I can risk being hurt again.  He's apologized and all that, but I've heard it all before.  I'm currently looking to get into counseling myself, but he STILL hasn't retained another doctor for himself.  I don't know what to do our how much more I can take.
 
December 28, 2005, 2:46 pm CST

Are you kidding me?

Quote From: jettav

personally, i would want nothing to do with a person like this, if he has cheated otehrs out of their money, he will do the same with you. now, I do believe a person can change and all, but if he has complete control of the money, and has these type of secrets, I say get out while you can, don't fool your self.

I can't believe you would ever consider marrying a 41 year old, secretive liar.  In my opinion you must not think much of yourself if that is the best you think you can do.  I would recommend getting your own place for a while and learning how to manage money on your own.  Then find a nice honest finacially mature man to be in relationship with. 

  

  

 
January 20, 2006, 12:08 pm CST

my financial life is an open book/his is not

Trying this message board in hopes of some input.   I am wondering if anyone is in a similiar situation.  I have been dating a man for a little over a year.  We have a wonderful relationship except one small issue.  He is not open about his finances. We do not live together but we are planning a future together.  At any point if I found myself in a poor financial situation he would be more than happy to help me out.  His comments to me are that we are in this together and that means finances too.   I know how much money he makes as I came across a pay stub on accident, although he does not know that I know.  I have never brought is up as I wanted to wait for him to be open with me.  He received his W-2 yesterday and I asked him what his gross was.  He joked and told me nunya (non of my business).  He knows what my W-2 says because I told him and he knows every expense that I have. I have a pretty good idea of his expenses but he has never specified.  Neither of us uses credit cards so we dont have any credit card debt.  I am certain of this.        I guess I am just looking for some opinions.  Am I just being nosey or do you feel that I have a vested interest in his finances due to the fact we are planning a future together.
 
January 20, 2006, 12:57 pm CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: klineja

Trying this message board in hopes of some input.   I am wondering if anyone is in a similiar situation.  I have been dating a man for a little over a year.  We have a wonderful relationship except one small issue.  He is not open about his finances. We do not live together but we are planning a future together.  At any point if I found myself in a poor financial situation he would be more than happy to help me out.  His comments to me are that we are in this together and that means finances too.   I know how much money he makes as I came across a pay stub on accident, although he does not know that I know.  I have never brought is up as I wanted to wait for him to be open with me.  He received his W-2 yesterday and I asked him what his gross was.  He joked and told me nunya (non of my business).  He knows what my W-2 says because I told him and he knows every expense that I have. I have a pretty good idea of his expenses but he has never specified.  Neither of us uses credit cards so we dont have any credit card debt.  I am certain of this.        I guess I am just looking for some opinions.  Am I just being nosey or do you feel that I have a vested interest in his finances due to the fact we are planning a future together.
Since the two of you are not married at this point, really, it isn't any of your business and I feel the same way about your finances. But within the marriage, as you become one and make those vows then you are in this together and yes, you deserve to know details......I realize in some cases, even spouses are not open with each otehr which I think is a sad thing, if in this case, I would suggest both spouses to have their seperate accounts and have a joint account for bills and cost of living typow stuff. Whatever the case, you must work togetehr as a married couple and work out details together. So for now, as a single person, I don't think he should feel obligated to let you in on his finances and vioce versa, you have not made that committment as of yet.
 
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