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Topic : Lying about Money/Spending

Number of Replies: 190
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:23:21 am
Author : dataimport
Do you find yourself not telling the whole truth about where the money goes every month? Is your spouse or child untruthful about their spending habits? Share your stories and coping strategies.

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January 26, 2006, 9:20 am CST

Spending out of control

I am in over my head.  My husband is the only income provider.  I stay at home with my kids.  I had credit card debt before we were married.  He has none (not a bad thing).  I got another card after we were married and maxed it out also.  So I knew I was in over my head, so I got a loan throught my dad without telling my husband.  That was good until I charged on both the card again and have another $5,000 between the two of them.  I am now in $15,000 debt and he thinks I am only in $5,000.  I am so ashamed and I can't seem to stop charging.  I don't sleep a lot of nights and I am really scared to tell him because it is lying and he is so big on being dishonest.  I don't know what to do or how to stop myself.  Anyone have any suggestions???? HELP
 
January 28, 2006, 11:45 am CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: cooks11

I am in over my head.  My husband is the only income provider.  I stay at home with my kids.  I had credit card debt before we were married.  He has none (not a bad thing).  I got another card after we were married and maxed it out also.  So I knew I was in over my head, so I got a loan throught my dad without telling my husband.  That was good until I charged on both the card again and have another $5,000 between the two of them.  I am now in $15,000 debt and he thinks I am only in $5,000.  I am so ashamed and I can't seem to stop charging.  I don't sleep a lot of nights and I am really scared to tell him because it is lying and he is so big on being dishonest.  I don't know what to do or how to stop myself.  Anyone have any suggestions???? HELP
 It will be much better addressing the situation now. Honesty is a huge part of a marriage. And as you already know, if you dont get real now the damage will be much more than 15k. The stress from that can kill you too..Best of luck, Tower
 
January 29, 2006, 8:58 am CST

lieing about finances and spending habits

i was living with my boyfriend of 4 years untill recently he told me to leave.  I have a shopping problem and got in over my head more then a few times.  He was very good to me and did everything for me. I lived with him for free becasue i don't make a lot of money and he does.  the problems is I would shop and spend more than 1/2 my paycheck and then i would take money from his accout and put in in mine so i would have enough to pay my bills.  I did this for almost a year $100 or $200 a few times a month.  He recently found out about it and kicked me out.  he didn;t want to hear my explination or anything.  he was just done. we had a wonderful relationship and i never lied to him about anything in our relationship except this one thing. my finances.  I coule of asked him for help and told him what i had done and he would of helped me out, but I was ashamed and embarressed about what i had done and that i kept doing it. so i never told him.  now i've reuined my futue we were planning to get married and i've lost him for good.  He says that I have betrayed his trust and that i'm a liar.  he has lied about a few things in the past and i forgave him . Is this a forgivable thing? and is there a chance we could work this out and i could re-bulid my trust with him? we have been talking, but he says there will never be an "us" again the best i can hope for is a friend.   I love him more than anything and am willing to do what it takes to do right by him for what I did wrong and work through this.  Do you have any good points that would help me get him back? I just feel there is someway to get through to him that we cam make it thorugh this I just need the chance to show him that I didn't mean to do any of this or hurt him that is the last thing I would ever do.  he is good to me. At the time i didn't think of it as hurting him or betraying his trust or stealing from him. All I could think about was getting myself out the situation I had gotten myseld into.  Thats the mindset I was in.  Now i've lost everyting my home, my best friend, my lover, and my future.  Can I get it back?  Please help!!!! I will do anything to make this work. 
 
January 31, 2006, 9:33 pm CST

Similar situation!

Quote From: klineja

Trying this message board in hopes of some input.   I am wondering if anyone is in a similiar situation.  I have been dating a man for a little over a year.  We have a wonderful relationship except one small issue.  He is not open about his finances. We do not live together but we are planning a future together.  At any point if I found myself in a poor financial situation he would be more than happy to help me out.  His comments to me are that we are in this together and that means finances too.   I know how much money he makes as I came across a pay stub on accident, although he does not know that I know.  I have never brought is up as I wanted to wait for him to be open with me.  He received his W-2 yesterday and I asked him what his gross was.  He joked and told me nunya (non of my business).  He knows what my W-2 says because I told him and he knows every expense that I have. I have a pretty good idea of his expenses but he has never specified.  Neither of us uses credit cards so we dont have any credit card debt.  I am certain of this.        I guess I am just looking for some opinions.  Am I just being nosey or do you feel that I have a vested interest in his finances due to the fact we are planning a future together.

I live with my fiance and have been for about 2 years- we've been together for three years.  I leave my bills and pay stubs out- he knows what debts I have and how much money I make- but he is extremely secretive.   I've asked him to be more open about it - he says he'll try- he hasn't- and that for him money is tied to pride and his sense of self-worth and he has a hard time talking about it.  I've seen some docs (via some snooping which began accidentally, then the curiosity got the best of me) which shows he owes the IRS thousands of dollars and how much he made a couple years back.  He doesn't know that I know about this.  He bounces checks frequently- those little slips from the bank that come in the mail are unmistakable.   I think I make about twice what he does and i know he probably feels shy about his financial situation.  At what point does it become my business?  Now that we're engaged, or only once we're married?  I feel for you and your situation; I think as your relationship becomes more serious you have an increased right to know, but I'm not sure exactly where to draw that line.  I will say though that if you're not engaged, and don't share any financial responsibilities, you don't have a right to know just yet.  But I can't say for sure where to draw the line.  I also wonder if I'm being too nosy since we're not yet married....  any suggestions for me to encourage him to share?  Do I tell him what I know? 

  

  

 
February 3, 2006, 10:21 am CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: britswife

credit cards are the root of all evil.All of the preapproved offers should be illegal. I owe 30 thousand. My husband is a hard worker and for him to find out what I have done will kill him. I can't go back, this is a one way trip. Wouldn't it be great if GOD gave us one shot at going back and erasing only one item in our past.I fear the mail or a phone call will let my secret out and my wonderful husbands world will be destroyed. Is there an easy way to kill my 30 year marriage. How do I really tell him without loosing him.
I was so happy to see your message.  I am in the same shoes as you. I too have racked up huge amounts of credit card debt and kept it from my husband out of fear.  No one understands this and I feel completely isolated.  I finally broke down and told my husband back in October.  Our marriage has been rocky ever since.  He has lost all trust in me.  He fills deceived and betrayed.  I look at him and can't imagine how I could possibly have done this to the man I love.  I wish I had some great advice for you, some wise words to help you through, but I don't.  I hope it helps on some level to know that you are not alone, someone else understands where you are.  I don't know where this will lead us, but the bottom line is enough is enough and whatever wounds we have to heal to get rid of this addiction, we must do.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  Sending courage and strength to you.
 
February 4, 2006, 12:34 pm CST

credit card spending...

Quote From: butterflym

I was so happy to see your message.  I am in the same shoes as you. I too have racked up huge amounts of credit card debt and kept it from my husband out of fear.  No one understands this and I feel completely isolated.  I finally broke down and told my husband back in October.  Our marriage has been rocky ever since.  He has lost all trust in me.  He fills deceived and betrayed.  I look at him and can't imagine how I could possibly have done this to the man I love.  I wish I had some great advice for you, some wise words to help you through, but I don't.  I hope it helps on some level to know that you are not alone, someone else understands where you are.  I don't know where this will lead us, but the bottom line is enough is enough and whatever wounds we have to heal to get rid of this addiction, we must do.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  Sending courage and strength to you.

I know the evil of credit card companies- paying off one card with the other, spending out of control  and racking up huge amounts of debt.  My advice is to cut up the cards.    If you need help- ask a friend to help you cut them up. (I did). I had over $20000 in credit card debt a few years ago before I refinanced my house.  Now I rarely use my credit card and pay it off monthly when I do.  You need to come up with a solid plan for getting rid of this debt, getting the interest rates lower and paying as much as you can on them each month.  If it were my spouse with this growing debt, I would want to hear it directly and honestly so we could figure it out together rather than find out about it accidentally when more debt and interest had accumulated.   Only you can make that decision though.  The first step is to stop using the cards- only buy things with cash or debit cards.    I also found http://www.cheapskatemonthly.com/ a great budgeting tool and a good reality check.  You're not alone, but you can take control over this!  Good luck!. 

 
February 5, 2006, 6:38 am CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: luckylady3

I know the evil of credit card companies- paying off one card with the other, spending out of control  and racking up huge amounts of debt.  My advice is to cut up the cards.    If you need help- ask a friend to help you cut them up. (I did). I had over $20000 in credit card debt a few years ago before I refinanced my house.  Now I rarely use my credit card and pay it off monthly when I do.  You need to come up with a solid plan for getting rid of this debt, getting the interest rates lower and paying as much as you can on them each month.  If it were my spouse with this growing debt, I would want to hear it directly and honestly so we could figure it out together rather than find out about it accidentally when more debt and interest had accumulated.   Only you can make that decision though.  The first step is to stop using the cards- only buy things with cash or debit cards.    I also found http://www.cheapskatemonthly.com/ a great budgeting tool and a good reality check.  You're not alone, but you can take control over this!  Good luck!. 

Thank you for your advice.  I have handed over all of my credit cards to my husband.  We have been trying to put this thing back together, but I don't know how we are going to.  He has lost all trust in me.  He feels betrayed and decieved.  I guess I don't blame him.  In the meantime, I am researching compulsive spending, finding myself in all of the words.  Tomorrow I meet with a therapist.  I know that my spending is in direct relation to my self image.  It's no different than any other addiction.  I just hope over time my husband can see that and on some even small level begin to understand that this was not about him, but about me and my lack of self esteem (thanks to childhood scars).  Thank you again for your kind words and advice.  I really appreciate the support.
 
February 5, 2006, 7:38 pm CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: butterflym

Thank you for your advice.  I have handed over all of my credit cards to my husband.  We have been trying to put this thing back together, but I don't know how we are going to.  He has lost all trust in me.  He feels betrayed and decieved.  I guess I don't blame him.  In the meantime, I am researching compulsive spending, finding myself in all of the words.  Tomorrow I meet with a therapist.  I know that my spending is in direct relation to my self image.  It's no different than any other addiction.  I just hope over time my husband can see that and on some even small level begin to understand that this was not about him, but about me and my lack of self esteem (thanks to childhood scars).  Thank you again for your kind words and advice.  I really appreciate the support.
I think you made a very positive step and you should be very proud of yourself.  I'm glad you found my post helpful.   At some point with progress in indiv counseling you might want to think about couples counseling to help your husband understand what you are going through and rebuild the trust in your relationship.  I think it will take some time, but with responsible budgeting and honesty on your part, addressing the childhood issues, and increased understanding on his part, you two will get through this!  Good luck!
 
February 5, 2006, 10:28 pm CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: luckylady3

I live with my fiance and have been for about 2 years- we've been together for three years.  I leave my bills and pay stubs out- he knows what debts I have and how much money I make- but he is extremely secretive.   I've asked him to be more open about it - he says he'll try- he hasn't- and that for him money is tied to pride and his sense of self-worth and he has a hard time talking about it.  I've seen some docs (via some snooping which began accidentally, then the curiosity got the best of me) which shows he owes the IRS thousands of dollars and how much he made a couple years back.  He doesn't know that I know about this.  He bounces checks frequently- those little slips from the bank that come in the mail are unmistakable.   I think I make about twice what he does and i know he probably feels shy about his financial situation.  At what point does it become my business?  Now that we're engaged, or only once we're married?  I feel for you and your situation; I think as your relationship becomes more serious you have an increased right to know, but I'm not sure exactly where to draw that line.  I will say though that if you're not engaged, and don't share any financial responsibilities, you don't have a right to know just yet.  But I can't say for sure where to draw the line.  I also wonder if I'm being too nosy since we're not yet married....  any suggestions for me to encourage him to share?  Do I tell him what I know? 

  

  

You are about to marry a man who owes the IRS thousands of dollars? H... I would want to marry you to if you made more than me. I would act shy, because I would not want you to really know my situation. I hope your credit is good because everything will be in your name. You ask when should you know, is it too early, wouldn't you want to know before you get married then to be sorry as h... after you marry him. Honey, if you think it gets better after you get married then you are crazy and you are fooling yourself. He bounce checks now, what is he going to do when you get married.  Once you get married it becomes your concern, save yourself some trouble and think long and hard about this relationship.
 
February 5, 2006, 10:55 pm CST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: ginad123

I am sending this message in hopes of some feedback and solutions.  Money is the number one problem in my relationship with my live in boyfriend!  I feel that we both have very bad conceptions about money.  First of all, I am 27 years old and this is the first time that I moved out from my parents home.  I've been on my own for about 6 months.  My boyfriend in 41 years old and was living on his own for a very long time.  For one, I know my problem with money, I use shopping as a healer to my depression.  My patterns are purchasing something and hiding it from my boyfriend or lying about the purchase, Ladies, you know what I'm saying: "Oh, this old shirt, I bought it months ago but forgot I had it."  Over the years, I rack up the plastic and max them out , get more plastic and max them out too.  Currently, I am $4,000.00 in CC debt.  My boyfriend is "sneeky" with his money.  I am a snoop and when we first started dating, I found utiity bills in his ex's name for him.  I found a letter about his ex complaining out him not paying the bills that were in her name.  I found this odd because, my boyfriend seemed like he had his finances in check.  Low and behold, When we moved out together, he had me put all the utilities in my name!  We pay the utilities with joint finances but I still wonder what his debt situation is.  He is very secretive about this.  I also found out that he had been evicted twice in his life.  Also, he "mysteriously lost his company when I first met him."  He claims that his ex stole money from the company.  More alarming, he has two ladies that he was friends with and myself all were good freinds.  Now, both are leaving mean voice mails about him owing them money?  Should I just let it  go? Hey with both have scary money issues, we still have a roof over our heads.  But, we are discussing marriage in the future.

Girlfriend, let that man go. 41 years OLD, you better stop and think 10 years down the road. He is going to be tired. You can do bad by yourself, you do not have any children. Girl, you do not want to get caught up in a relationship much less a marriage with this zero.  If he is not esablished now something is wrong all the other women know it, everyone except you. He has bills in his ex name, business went under and people calling for money and you thinking about marrying him. You need to get your head examine, because he has not prepared to marry you. Why do we marry men or live with them when we know they are not up to our expectations? We say we can help them get on their feet, NO let them get on their feet and then look us up. You want to marry someone who has good credit, a house or apartment of his own, his own car and a checking and saving account and no children. Wise up young lady, you too young to be with this man and no money.  

 
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