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Topic : Lying about Money/Spending

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:23:21 am
Author : dataimport
Do you find yourself not telling the whole truth about where the money goes every month? Is your spouse or child untruthful about their spending habits? Share your stories and coping strategies.
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butterflym
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February 6, 2006, 5:47 am PST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: luckylady3

I think you made a very positive step and you should be very proud of yourself.  I'm glad you found my post helpful.   At some point with progress in indiv counseling you might want to think about couples counseling to help your husband understand what you are going through and rebuild the trust in your relationship.  I think it will take some time, but with responsible budgeting and honesty on your part, addressing the childhood issues, and increased understanding on his part, you two will get through this!  Good luck!
Thank you for your kind words and rays of hope.  I am needing them today!
 
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shygirl7
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February 17, 2006, 10:14 am PST

Im living your life

Quote From: zforce

  

I have been married for 12 years now and hide financial problems from my husband just like your husband does to you.  I know for me that it is a control issue and I have a hard time not being in control, even though I know that I will screw it up again, but it is not easy to live this why for either one of you.  I bet your husband doesn't sleep much because I know that I don't.  I worry all the time when is the other shoe will drop.  Please try to get your husband to talk to you about this problem, as I currently am trying to talk to my husband about the big mistake I just made and it is not easy.  I have gone through all the emotions that could happen like: hate, disgust, regret, guilt, him leaving me, me losing our home , restlessness, loss of hope and many more. Please understand that your husband maybe like me have other issues that he can't figure out and he is calling out for help.  I would have to say that your husband is looking for something in his life that he has not found yet.  I do understand both sides of the coin.   

 My husband has done the same thing to me, we have a lean on our house, never ending bounced checks that come in, court dates that come and go which he kept hidden from me because he would get the mail first.  Everything has always been in my name, so it is destroying me. I always have to pay off these debts with money that I received when my dad died and before you know it there will be nothing left.  I dont even know what it is that Im paying for. I just have to do it because all of these debts have been racked up in my name with out my permission. I am so disgusted with him, I dont even want him here.  I have tried to forgive him, but the anger just eats at me.  I want to serve him with divorce papers, but I dont know how he will react.  I dont want to end up like Rachel Entwistle.  If he had just told me that he was in some kind of financial situation , we could have figured it all out, but instead of working with me, he has chosen to sacrifice me and I just cant forgive him. Its not so much the money but the lying and stealing .
 
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shygirl7
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February 17, 2006, 10:23 am PST

Lying about Money/Spending

Quote From: erin52375

i was living with my boyfriend of 4 years untill recently he told me to leave.  I have a shopping problem and got in over my head more then a few times.  He was very good to me and did everything for me. I lived with him for free becasue i don't make a lot of money and he does.  the problems is I would shop and spend more than 1/2 my paycheck and then i would take money from his accout and put in in mine so i would have enough to pay my bills.  I did this for almost a year $100 or $200 a few times a month.  He recently found out about it and kicked me out.  he didn;t want to hear my explination or anything.  he was just done. we had a wonderful relationship and i never lied to him about anything in our relationship except this one thing. my finances.  I coule of asked him for help and told him what i had done and he would of helped me out, but I was ashamed and embarressed about what i had done and that i kept doing it. so i never told him.  now i've reuined my futue we were planning to get married and i've lost him for good.  He says that I have betrayed his trust and that i'm a liar.  he has lied about a few things in the past and i forgave him . Is this a forgivable thing? and is there a chance we could work this out and i could re-bulid my trust with him? we have been talking, but he says there will never be an "us" again the best i can hope for is a friend.   I love him more than anything and am willing to do what it takes to do right by him for what I did wrong and work through this.  Do you have any good points that would help me get him back? I just feel there is someway to get through to him that we cam make it thorugh this I just need the chance to show him that I didn't mean to do any of this or hurt him that is the last thing I would ever do.  he is good to me. At the time i didn't think of it as hurting him or betraying his trust or stealing from him. All I could think about was getting myself out the situation I had gotten myseld into.  Thats the mindset I was in.  Now i've lost everyting my home, my best friend, my lover, and my future.  Can I get it back?  Please help!!!! I will do anything to make this work. 
 Sorry, you dont get my sympathy, the problem there is that you were only thinking of yourself.  You were stealing from him and you deceived him.  He trusted you and you ruined it for yourself.  You decided to sacrifice his emotional trust and finacial stability when dealing with your problems.  You could have talked about it and made a plan as to how to fix the problem.  Sorry, but you lose.  Its probably not about the amount of money, but his ability to trust you.
 
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bfcrosby
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March 5, 2006, 5:07 am PST

Hiding Finances

I live with my fiance we own a home together. I handle all the bills as far as paying he basically spends as he wants if it is there. He is also an alcholic which has cretated quit a tizzy of a life in my head. Baiscally I bagan to pay allt he bills but if I was short for what ever reason I would ot communicate wiht him. I tried to tell him why basically there are no good reasons other thanI thought life owul be happier if I bore all the issues on my shoulders. I make good money so does he when he is wokring construction however in the winter it has became a unemployment check. He has not helped $$ wise other than to remove the $$ The issue here is not that something is late it is that I have betrayed him in his mind. I never thought of it that way. NEVER I know the stress over things I cant sleep or basically cant be happy myself.  Since we have been together this has happened 3 times he went to get something on credit and was turned down with the third time I tol him everything ahead I just dont want to do this alone anymore. I was laways afraid he would leave and well he did stay but he is gone this morning "for a few hours " he said maybe he just needs to think vent ot his drinking buddy who knows. I dont mind his "alone" time I would be upset too however I just wish he would listen to why this has happened it is all about communication not about my wanting to betray him .  

I know I can not fix his drinking however I think in my mind I was thinking if he didnt have $$ to worry about that would be one less excuse... Oh yes I know he has made up another excuse to drink.  
 
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woodj74
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March 7, 2006, 10:20 pm PST

Lying To My Wife of Spending Money

I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful woman.  Since the beginning of my marriage I have consistently lied about spending money.  I am not sure why I do it if I love her so much.  I am currently deployed in Iraq and she has found out about a REALLY big lie just recently.  I do love her so very much.  She is my life, but I am ruining it.  She says she doesn't know if she will be able to get over it this time.  I need help!  What is my problem?  Why do I do these things?  Besides my being dishonest I am a great guy.  I help around the house and am always doing stuff for her.  My heart belongs to her and I feel like she is ready to give it back and move on.  I know I deserve to pay for my mistakes.  I have made promises before about never doing it again.  I know if we do make it that I will never lie again.  Before I deployed we had such a wonderful relationship.  We talked all the time.  We felt like soul mates...best friends.  What a best friend I have been.  I can't lose her.  I want to make this work more than anything.  Does anybody have any advice for me?  Being deployed in Iraq has shown me a reality like no other.  I know that I will never do this again.  How do I make her believe me?  She does love me and she doesn't want this to be over.  However, she is not sure how she will get over it this time.  Please help!
 
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deeplyhurt
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March 20, 2006, 3:59 pm PST

Spending too much money

Hello, my problem is my husband doesn't have any concept in saving money at all. He spends money like it grows on trees. He's the money maker in our marriage and he figures since he's the one who is bringing in the money he can spend it however he wants to. He would withdraw money out of our checking account and not tell me about it and when I confront him about it he gets upset with me and accuse me of tracking him. He would spend money on his mom and his 2 sons (from a previous marriage) and not spend one single cent on me. He has no problem spending money on himself and other members of HIS FAMILY. I'm so fed up with his spending. I'm the one who takes care of the bills and make sure they are paid. I don't spend any money at all even on myself. We have debts to pay off but he continues to spend and not tell me about it at all. The only way I know where all the money is going is by checking our accounts online. I feel I have no say in the financial area because I'm not bringing in any money. Do you all agree on this? Do I have any rights as to how our money is to be spent? Today he just withdraw $100 to give to his son which he never even mentioned it to me. Just 2 days ago he already took out $100 and now he takes out another $100 to give to his son (for what reason I don't know). I don't know if I should say something about it to my husband or not because we're already having problems in our marriage and I don't want to add another to the fire. What should I do? Should I just leave it alone and just let it go?  Any advice is greatly appreciated.
 
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strutters
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March 21, 2006, 4:06 pm PST

Therapist is perplexed

I married my husband almost 17 years ago, and have caught him in major lies about our bills and credit cards 7 times during that span. This time it was so bad, the orthodontist was about to take the braces off of my daughter's teeth. He told me insurance was taking care of everything, until I intercepted a call for him from their billing dept.  I am at my wits end.  He  is in counceling, but the therapist can not get him to admit what he is doing, and  he says he does not know why he does this.  I do love him, but I can not handle the deception and embarrassment.  I hoped that the doctor could help, I have set up all financial accounts under my name, I have all the bills sent to my grandmother's mailing address etc.  He  still finds ways to get credit cards and have the address sent to his work address. I just caught him in another $3000 lie.  He says he does not gamble,have another woman etc. I really need help, I do not want our marriage to end, but I am exhausted and even his doctor says he is perplexing. He has  also caught him in several lies. 
 
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ritehere
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March 23, 2006, 7:19 am PST

Let him take over the bills

Quote From: deeplyhurt

Hello, my problem is my husband doesn't have any concept in saving money at all. He spends money like it grows on trees. He's the money maker in our marriage and he figures since he's the one who is bringing in the money he can spend it however he wants to. He would withdraw money out of our checking account and not tell me about it and when I confront him about it he gets upset with me and accuse me of tracking him. He would spend money on his mom and his 2 sons (from a previous marriage) and not spend one single cent on me. He has no problem spending money on himself and other members of HIS FAMILY. I'm so fed up with his spending. I'm the one who takes care of the bills and make sure they are paid. I don't spend any money at all even on myself. We have debts to pay off but he continues to spend and not tell me about it at all. The only way I know where all the money is going is by checking our accounts online. I feel I have no say in the financial area because I'm not bringing in any money. Do you all agree on this? Do I have any rights as to how our money is to be spent? Today he just withdraw $100 to give to his son which he never even mentioned it to me. Just 2 days ago he already took out $100 and now he takes out another $100 to give to his son (for what reason I don't know). I don't know if I should say something about it to my husband or not because we're already having problems in our marriage and I don't want to add another to the fire. What should I do? Should I just leave it alone and just let it go?  Any advice is greatly appreciated.
 Maybe it's time to say, "Honey, I can't do this anymore, so it's time for you to step up to the plate." Once he has to make sure there's money in the account to cover the bills, he will become more responsible. Or, if he has a problem with spending, it will bring it home to him in a direct way.
 Right now he's disconnected, is blissfully unaware of what bills will be coming in next week, and can blame it all on you since you take care of them. Put the load on his shoulders. Make him accountable. After he gets a handle on being accountable, you can discuss setting up discretionary accounts for the both of you, where you can each have "mad" money to spend the way each of you want without being accountable to the other or shorting money for regular living  expenses.
 
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ritehere
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March 23, 2006, 7:27 am PST

The money is going somewhere!

Quote From: strutters

I married my husband almost 17 years ago, and have caught him in major lies about our bills and credit cards 7 times during that span. This time it was so bad, the orthodontist was about to take the braces off of my daughter's teeth. He told me insurance was taking care of everything, until I intercepted a call for him from their billing dept.  I am at my wits end.  He  is in counceling, but the therapist can not get him to admit what he is doing, and  he says he does not know why he does this.  I do love him, but I can not handle the deception and embarrassment.  I hoped that the doctor could help, I have set up all financial accounts under my name, I have all the bills sent to my grandmother's mailing address etc.  He  still finds ways to get credit cards and have the address sent to his work address. I just caught him in another $3000 lie.  He says he does not gamble,have another woman etc. I really need help, I do not want our marriage to end, but I am exhausted and even his doctor says he is perplexing. He has  also caught him in several lies. 

 You're husband is hiding something, and I'm betting it's something he doesn't want you to know about because you might take drastic actions with him, like perhaps leaving him.
So, if he won't come clean to you or the therapist, take the drastic action anyway. Either kick him out or you leave yourself. This will show him that clamming up, avoiding confrontation but keeping up the spending is not working.
You need to prepare yourself for the worst, and be ready for anything. It could be another woman, gambling, drugs, you name it. Whatever it is, I guarantee you you're not going to like it, so brace yourself. If you don't think you can forgive or work through some things, start thinking about what you will do about it. Hiding your head in the sand, and going along with his lies is what he counts on.
 
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dadancer

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March 24, 2006, 2:32 pm PST

What is a deal-breaker?

After years of arguing, I separated my money from his with bank accounts, credit cards, etc. 

  

Right now he has racked up an astronomical amount of cc debt and has refuses to give up some of his possessions.  He is driving a car I co-signed so he could get when his previous one was going to cost a fortune to repair again.  He has always had a car fetish of sorts.  He trades them every few months, and for the past year has owned at least 2 at a time. 

  

He has no money for anything except his cc bills and car payment & insurance.  I pay everything else. 

  

So it's not adultery or physical abuse, but it is financial irresponsibility.  Is it a deal-breaker? 
 
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