I've been trying to find a job, it seems, ever since I graduated from college in May of 2005. So far, I haven't found much, just temporary jobs that only ended up lasting about a month and had nothing to do with my degree, which was in music and media communications. I want to be a songwriter, eventually, but in the meantime, I need a day job to pay the bills and put food on the table.
I am a very intelligent, capable person, but I am not resilient when it comes to rejection. My school had no job placement program, and I keep trying to motivate myself to put in more applications and keep looking - I'm in a desperate place financially and my money troubles keep me stressed to the point of paralysis. I have no income, no credit, and thousands in debt. I haven't been able to pay one single bill in over a year. My clothes are wearing out, and I fear I will not be able to find a job just because of my wardrobe. I can't possibly afford anything other than the basics for keeping myself alive. (And sometimes not even those.)
I have dreams. I have talent. I'm willing to put those aside for now and work at McDonald's, but I can't seem to get a job at even the lowest levels. I struggle with an eating disorder that I can't possibly afford to treat, which keeps me even more paralyzed. The more I fail, the more I struggle, and the more I struggle, the more I fail. I've tried to "think my way to success," but sometimes I can't manufacture one positive thought, no matter how hard I try. I'm so scared of living a meaningless life. I'm so tired of being nothing but a burden to my family. I know I would not take a job for granted, if given the chance, no matter how much I hated it. I feel like I'm supposed to do something important with my life, that I've been given a rare gift and a purpose. I know what I'm meant to do with my life - and I know I'm failing grandly - and it's killing me!
But for now I'd just like a quarter to put in the Wal-Mart soda machine. A quarter I wouldn't panic over spending. I want the privilege of working for a paycheck, of not being the one pushed aside because I'm in everyone else's way. I want to carry my own weight for once. I just want a chance!
Why won't anyone hire me? Am I that stupid? (But I know I'm not stupid.) Am I that repulsive? Am I completely hopeless?