Topic : 06/10 Deadly Kids

I am a survivor of a sibling that hated me practically from the day I was born for no apparent reason... As stated on the show, it doesn't just go away. I still have nightmares from my childhood that have affected me my whole life. My parents didn't know what to do, so they didn't do much of anything. When they divorced, my sister became that much worse. The behavior escalated as she became a teenager. I was given a deadbolt lock for a birthday, so I could be safe when I came home from school, until my mother got home from work.

Anyway, the details get much worse. I would just like to say for anyone out there, you must seek help for all members of the family. The scars may fade, but the emotional damage doesn't ever really go away. You just learn to accept it is a part of who you are.

I can say I was shocked to read this.  Disipline like that DOES NOT work for every kid.  Just because you dont leave bruses doesnt mean that its not abuse.  Take it from someone that knows.  I have a 4 year old little girl that the one time she was swatted on the butt took that and ran with it and now when she is angry she will pound on herself untill it leaves bruise.  So do you REALLY think that ME spanking her is going to make any impact other then to say that that kind of behavor is right?  I think Dr phil was right in saying that these kids need to be evaluated NOW before things get worse.

My husband and I have been facing this same problem with his 13 year old son. It's gotten to the point that during his last visit we found him on the computer in IM's asking his mother for permission to kill one of us. During this time he was completely out of control and in one of his fits.  While he was in this IM he was checking online for assault weapons and knives.  What's strangest about his behavior is that once he has his outburst which at the time are very frightening and always involving his mother in some aspect, after a long talk and lots of tears with his father he becomes almost sedated in his mannerisms. It's like he's at peace and the rest of the visit remains easy to get along with and well adjusted.

There is a long history of turmoil surrounding the child and the parents. My husband has been talked about in horrible ways and the son even believes at one time his father tried to kidnap him because of a custody dispute. All of these are lies.

The child has been exposed to sex at age 8 by a child of a friend of his mothers. This is full sex, not playing Dr's. The mother fabricated what actually occured and the truth came out on one of his visits. This is what prompted the custody battle since custody was never established. At this time he was 9 and was refusing to go home because he was forced to continue to play with that child at his moms. When he was forced to go back to his mothers, he was traumatized. He will now say he doesn't remember anything of his summer with us when he was 9. His youngest sister who was only 5 at the time, often mentions things we did when my husband was stationed in Virginia. My step-son draws a complete blank or says he does.

He displays serious anger issues not just here but in school and has been suspended for beating up a girl. He's been disrespectful to his female teachers.  He has been caught trying to burn down our woods and we have a hard time keeping matches or lighters away from him at any given time. When my husband shared the issue with the mother, she laughed about him being a pyro and then her reward was buying him more lighters for his zippo collection. We've had one situtuation when we left him with his older step-sister while we all went on an outing. He requested not to go along in leiu of staying home to finish a movie that was due back. While she was watching him, he pretended he was using the bathroom and snuck down the street, told a neighbor we wouldn't let him use the phone, called his mom to come get him and came back in the house acting as if he just came out of the bathroom. My daughter had no clue what transpired until his mom came to the house, honked the horn and he went tearing out the door. This caused a big scene with her showing up where we were and yanking the youngest child from my husbands hand. My husband not wanting a scene didn't not stop her. 

The childs ability to deceive, mirrors the mothers and it's quite disturbing.

This last visit when we found out the conversation between he and his mother, he had told my husband that he hated me and his step-sisters and even the grandchild. I told him that I didn't believe him. That I know he loves me and that regardless of how he acts, I love him. He said well "I'm a real good faker, I've been doing it all along".  It was so hard for me to comprehend because I am the first one he comes running to when he gets to the house. And believe me, this about killed me to hear these words. My daughters have to beg for "alone" time for themselves because he's always wanting to be with them. None of this made sense with the exception of the mothers encouragement. When my husband had his long talk with him, the child was litterally bawling and saying how confusing all of this is. That he wants to talk to someone. My husband drove all over town trying to find someone to speak to the child but it was a dead end. No one would see him on an emergency bases and wanted to schedule a visit. Well he was due back home in a week so it never happened. The mother won't take him for help. The rest of the week he wouldn't leave my side. Kept coming up and hugging me. Wanted me to do things with him. He loves to cook so I bought things to make sushi and he treated us all to his sushi creations. It was a great week.

There is another child that I mentioned prior and she has yet to be used as a pawn in any of this. It's almost as if the older has been enlisted as the minnion. If the youngest tries to talk about anything that has to do with her life, her friends, school etc all on her own, the oldest tells her to zip it.

They have been moved out state away from their father, violating a court order visitation. In the time they moved from here, they have moved an additional 5 times in a year span. They are always unkempt, teeth are suffering from lack of oral hygiene. The son tries to go without bathing here and the daughter said he's gone as long as 2 weeks without a bath at home. This breaks my heart because he smells when he gets here and I know he has been picked on in school about his odor. The mother in an email she sent me a few years back, laughed about him being the stinky boy and the daughter being the one in class who eats paste. I still have that email.

They are often missing many days of school. Not one year of their school life has been less than 2 weeks missed.  One year it totaled 45 days and this is basically the norm. There is no stability in their lives and I feel that aside from the mothers intentional alienation of the father, she as a mother fails miserably and this is part of the sons anger issues. The mother also encourages the son to use his step fathers last name and the son has told his real dad that he's ashamed of who he is himself.

The youngest who is now 10 is the primary care giver when the mother is at work. This leaves her in charge of the 13 year old and a 6 year old. She told my daughter that it's too stressed because the oldest won't help and doesn't have to do anything and it's all on her. If something isn't done, she gets the punishment. She stutters now and has anxiety attacks. When she is here, she will tell us that she loves being taken care of, that at home she is the one that does it all. She will say she hates leaving us and usually the day before, she starts getting all nervous. But at the same time she does miss her mother which is understandable and she will state this. She will say how proud she is to have 4 parents who love her and that she's the luckiest girl in the world. And she will tell you exactly why her brother acts the way does. The day of the outburst she came in my room and hugged me and said she didn't understand why its ok for her to love her daddy but not her brother.

They are due back here at Christmas and we are nervous. We don't know what to expect as usual. It always starts off great the first day or two, then it's a call from the mom and then the deliberate actions start.

I am afraid of how far the child will go. If we stop seeing him, that will cause unrepairable harm to him. Thinking his father doesn't love him. We truly are scared.

I heard so many times- if that was my daughter, she wouldn't get by with that.  You are correct that not every misbehaving child has a disorder or other issues.  However, it is very wrong to also state that all children that act out just need discipline.  We tried everything including the `swats' that you suggest- it didn't help.  My daughter had physiological and mental issues that a swat couldn't help.  Our daughter is not allowed to use her mental illness or other challenges to get by with things.  But we are still learning ways to help our daughter gain control of her issues and be able to function in the world.   We were able to keep her in our home, and did not have to place her in a professional setting, and I am thankful for that.  But your blanket response that these children just need the proper discipline is an unfair judgement towards children and their families when there are disorders and special needs involved.  I am a good parent, but it was very hurtful to have people passing judgement in very loud and pointed ways based strictly upon the behavior they witnessed without any background information.   Unless you have a child with serious mental issues,

disorders or other medical problems, you have no idea what is involved.   Appearances can truly be decieving, and rarely  are the solutions as simple as some might believe.   As a good friend once said, our children are like brown paper bags;  they all look the same until you open them up and look inside.  As you can see, these parents love their children and are looking for a solution to help them.   Sometimes the solution is not found in traditional parenting methods because all children are not typical.