Topic : Stress at Work

Hi guys - UK fan of Dr Phil here with a career crisis. Having read this thread, I'm so glad I'm not the only one! 

On the face of it, I'm doing okay.  What follows is middle-class whining, please be warned. 

I'm a divorce lawyer : I've been a partner since April in a good firm.  I deal with interesting and complicated divorce cases (usually where the folks concerned have  more money than an objective sense of fairness) - I make good money (for the area of England I live in, at least).  

I was in academic training to be a lawyer for the 7 years before strarting in practice (not having done a law degree, the path to qualification was longer than usual. I actually did a degree in English Literature). 

Compared to many people, I know I've apparently got it good. But but but....... 

Now that I've so-called "made it", I find myself hating my job and hating what it does to me. My life is ruled by the chargeable unit and making my time financially profitable ; I manage a team of 20 people and spend a lot of my daily life chasing them to work more efficiently and profitably whilst being pressured by upper management to kick their backsides. I also live by meeting daily targets in terms of time and fees. 

I've become at the age of 35 an irritable, curt, intolerant person who can't even wait in a supermarket queue without feeling that I'm going to kill the slow person in front of me who insists on paying for £10 of  stuff with a card.  And who has a loyalty card. And vouchers. And who wants a chat with the check-out lady about the weather. 

Or who drives to work and rants and raves at the perfectly ordinary driver in front of her because they aren't driving at 90 mph. 

Or who makes snotty comments to friends and family without meaning to hurt them, but because she's feeling stressed-out. 

Quite suddenly, it's dawned on me that I really hate my job and the person I've become. Nothing in particular has sparked this off. Maybe I'm just more knackered than usual (knackered = exhausted in English-speak). Maybe my 35th birthday has made me revalue my life. Maybe I'm just bored. 

But now I find myself dreading doing through the doors at work. I'm casting about me to think about what else I can do and how I can continue paying my mortgage etc. I'm longing for a complete career change - to something that matters, and to something that doesn't feel like it's crushing my spirit - and at the same time, I'm scared witless. 

Phew, good to get that off my chest? Is there anyone here who has been through something like this ?  

     I am really sutck in a bad position. I have a job working 12 hour shifts. I would definately like to change jobs. I saw a course at a near by college that I want to take to start a new career. Because of my crazy 12 hour shifts, my boss will not authorize my to take the time off to take this course. So I am stuck in this job because it is the only think I know how to do. It is all I have done sice I come out of high school. GRRRRRRRRRRR. So frustrating.  

I'm 40 yrs old and work for my father at his real estate office. It is a small business with about 20 employees. For 12 years I worked as his assistant, he is the broker, and everything was good. Then I discovered that the bookkeeper he employed was embezzling money and had been for years. She was paying all her bills, her housepayment, every thing and getting cash plus her weekly paychecks. My father never checked the check register or bank statements. Now I tried to tell him and he would put me off, until very bluntly I showed him copies of checks she forged, and copies of the check register that changed every week after she would correct them. So she was fired immediately and my father made me take over everything. Now the problem is I do all the bookkeeping, all the property management, all the office support and I was never formerly trained for accounting, I do everything from the taxes, payroll taxes, distribution of rental income, etc.  I can't keep up, I'm getting more behind everyday, the help he hires me is pathetic, I work overtime don't get no overtime, no benefits, no insurance, no nothing no raises and he tells me how bad I'm doing everyday cuz I'm not keeping up with everything. I want to quit but this is my kids future this business and I want to get them interested to help me. what do i do?

Hello Everyone, 

I would like to start by saying that I'm writing in hopes of finding help for someone I love. I'm almost 25 and he'll be 26 in a couple months. We've been dating for at least nine months now and in that time have grown close to the point where I feel he is such a perfect fit in my life. I know I want to spend my life with him because, as a person, he is so caring and in all the years I have been dating, I have never had such a strong, incredible connection with another person as I have with him. He feels the same way about me and we always have a wonderful time together. Everything we do from cooking, to hiking and planning the future meshes together. I can be myself, and feel like I have finally found happiness. Currently, I live at home with my parents and am planning to move out in the next 7 months or so. As a family, we made the choice to let me stay at home while I went to college for four years for my education. I completed that and am now currently employed full time and saving to move out. The problem is somewhat undefined for me, but it centers around the problems my boyfriend has with working/finding a better job. He was originally from Ontario (we live in BC now), and over 6 years ago he moved to Ohio to be with another girl before he met me. He had been somewhat of a loner, shy, and short on friends. His parents split when he was young, and his older brother was essentially kicked out of the house for not doing much with his life other than be loud and annoying at home. He met this girl online and ended up living with her for 5 years. In the beginning, he took a college (2 year) degree program for computing, but because he was a Canadian citizen living in the US, he wasn't able to get a job in the US. Additionally, the girl was usually confined to bed with some sort of sickness, so he basically did all the shopping, cooking and household things. He had his hobbies like drawing, bike riding, composing simple songs on the computer, and reading. The relationship wasn't one of love or great companionship and he was not happy with the situation, but felt trapped. She was not an easy person to talk to and got jealous if he spoke with other people (such as on the computer). However, he did meet some people online who live in my city, and eventually they convinced him to break free and move here to make a better future and be around friends who cared about him. Unfortunately, he had already wasted 5 years of his life where work history was concerned. 

He moved here and managed to get a job at the call center in town dealing with people who needed long distance customer support. I met him online and decided to contact him after reading his profile and learning that we had many of the same interests. He stayed at Convergys for a few months while we were together, but expressed to me that it was a stressful, monotonous job with a punch clock style, haphazard shift times, and far short of his actual skill set. He felt he could do better, but was stuck for how to remedy the situation. Because everything was so up in the air for him in a new town and just having met me, he was really stressed out. He ended up quitting the job and taking a while to find something else. It was not a good idea because of his tight financial situation, but it appeared to be what he needed. There's a fine line between doing something because you have to survive, and hating what you do to the point where it affects you too deeply. 

Eventually he ended up working at Toys R Us as a part time stock person in the back, then was laid off when they didn't need the extra seasonal staff. He found another part time job at Michaels doing more stocking and some cash register work. The problem was that he knew he could do more and wanted a better job, but his resume was not that appealing because of the 5-year work history gap. Who would employ someone like that when there are streams of young graduates coming out of the local university? The only jobs that seemed to call him back were minimum wage, part-time "icky" jobs. My opinion was that he needed to either do something to make a positive change, or suck it up and do the best he could to help achieve his goals. He did and still does live in shared accommodation with a single room and a shared bathroom. He was also very lonely, so when I found him, he was so happy to have the company and that developed into a lot more because of how compatible we are. He doesn't feel that his life is settled. He's always ended up having something change and never been truly settled. I've always tried to help and be there for him. Because he didn't have a car or even a license, I encouraged him to at least get that; it might open up more job opportunities. He managed to take some lessons and get his drivers license. He also took a food safe course and received that certification. I tried to think of ways that would make things easier or give him better opportunities, and I knew that an updated education could be the answer. The thing is that he was just getting by - existing in that tiny room with just enough to eat and pay the bills with not much left over. He wasn't getting anywhere and obviously, that would be quite depressing for anyone. 

After suggesting further education, we started to look at his options. Affordability was naturally a great concern, as well as something where there would be available jobs upon graduation. Most of the people I know were quite certain that the trades would be a good place to start. There is demand for skilled trades people, and also a better chance of making a better wage so that he would be able to save quicker. We reviewed the information on a local 6-month plumbing program and he thought that he could go for it and start actively working on his future. He ended up taking out a student loan and enrolling in the program. I was hopeful that it would work out and that he could get out of his rut, but it turned out that the plumbing program was just not for him. His heart was not in it, and he honestly couldn't see himself doing it. He hasn't had any real hands on experience, and lacks the confidence for trying something like plumbing knowing that he already didn't like it and didn't feel he would be good at it. The positive part was that he was able to communicate to me how he felt about it. I understood and didn't want him to do something he really hated just for me or because I thought it might be a good idea. I didn't want him to resent me in the future or end up being unhappy. He withdrew from the plumbing program and continued to work at Michaels part time. At this point in time, he is still there, and also just starting a part time position at Extra Foods. The difficult part is that he still is in debt because of the student loan, and the lessons he took for driving etc. I believe it is a few thousand dollars.. probably no more than 3 or 4 grand, but with the kind of money he makes now part time with no benefits, he can't afford to get ahead. He hasn't even seen a doctor, dentist or optometrist in probably 2 years either. At the rate he's going, it will take forever to do that and to get out of debt. His MAIN problem is the stress at work. It's not one particular job, but for some reason, things tend to get to him. He's been in this city for over a year now, and the fact that he's actually worse off financially than when he came here is weighing heavily on him. He is trapped in that small room and not able to move forward - he is living this against the backdrop of my life and how well things are going for me. I've got a car, am moving out soon to a good place because I can afford it, have a well paying full time job I like, and have extra for things I might want. 

Now, with most people, I would tell them to suck it up and work at it to pay off the debt, but for him, he has a really tough time doing that. I don't know the exact root of his problem, but he told me at one point that there are times when it feels so bad/overwhelming that he physically starts to shake. He will either end up quitting the job for something else, or he will be completely miserable, stressed and not able to deal with other things. It is affecting our relationship with the fact that my parents see him as lacking ambition. They want the best for me and feel that by pursuing him, I am "throwing away my life" because he is not moving forward. They don't understand why he won't go for any and every job available such as even starting in construction. He feels that most things he won't like doing, or they will be jobs way below his level of skill. One thing I should note is that when he was in school, he was not challenged enough. He did well, but then started slacking off because it was too boring and easy. He is not being challenged at all in these recent jobs and we can't seem to find any better prospects that could meet his needs. It's like this circle of dependencies that he can't seem to jump out of. He needs a better job that he A) likes and B) pays better, but in order for that to happen, his resume needs to be better by either experience (which he can't get because none of the jobs are along those lines), or by more education. Education is hard because he needs more money and needs to know what he does want to do. He is unsure. From where I sit, it's as if he is coming out of high school (because of those 5 wasted years), and he does not know where to turn or what to do and it is all so big and scary because any risk he takes with such low funds, means that he could really be in debt trouble or severely stressed. I've tried the 'one small step at a time' approach and it seems to work to a point, but it's at a stand still now. 

He doesn't know what to do or where to get help. In my opinion, if he can't stick with these part time jobs or find something better, there is something wrong - he's got some kind of issue(s) and they really need to be addressed so that he can work seriously on his future. My parents are concerned about me because if we remain together or even get married, he will certainly not be dependable as a provider, seems (to them) to be unambitious, and would not be able to help if something went wrong with me, such as if I got sick and couldn't work for a while or got pregnant. He is barely existing as it is, so there is no way he could provide for the both of us. I should note here that I do want to work and don't expect to sit at home while he works his butt off - I want us to be equals and working together for our future.  

So many people have abandoned him in his life in some form and I do not want to be another. I'm not trying to help out of guilt or pity or pressure. I just want to see him succeed and be happy. Obviously I have a vested interest in his future because I want to be a part of that future too. I love him so much that it hurts to see him going through this. But he is still young and there is still hope. Things in life could always be worse, but right now I want to concentrate on positive things. My family is frustrated with me now because of the dead end they see for me by staying with him. What can I/we do? I'm thinking of contacting Family Services or Mental Health through the Ministry - I'm not sure how that works, but I think he needs some kind of counseling/therapy in order to find the real problem and take active steps to fix it. This was suggested by a friend in addition to Big Brothers. I don't know anything about how these things work; all I do know is that he can't afford to pay for any extra services or therapy. I've told him that he has to find help (and that I will be there for him) so right now I want to figure out what to do. He's got so much potential if we could only just move this road block. 

Has anyone else had a similar situation? is there something that I'm overlooking, do I have false hope? To me, it seems that potentially this could be a long time in fixing. People don't get out of debt and find a good job over night. They also don't just get out of crippling stress either without intervention and direction. Whether or not we're together in the future, I do want to help and see him succeed in reaching his goals. I want my parents to see that he can do well and is good for me. They want to see him doing something that is productive. He enjoys his art, but we know that being a painter or regular artist takes a lot of work and you have to be really great in order to do well with that as a living. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I would be happy if he found a well paying job where he didn't have to worry about things and we could be happy together, but I also want him to be happy with what he does. It would not work to be in something that pays better if you have to drag yourself to the job each day hating it and knowing that this is your depressing future. What options do we really have? The root of his problem seems to be stress and lack of confidence - I believe this partly comes from the icky jobs, the fact that he has no vehicle and has to bike uphill to work or anywhere, I live out of town so am only able to see him after work sometimes or some weekends, he is stuck in that tiny room not able to afford more, has debt, doesn't know what he can do for school and doesn't want to risk more debt, and has no family here who can help him. It's a lot of pressure too hoping that we can have a future while meanwhile things are not looking up for him and he can't do his part to make our future work until some of these things are resolved. Even I am under a lot of pressure because I don't want my parents to be unhappy with me for seemingly wasting my time on him. We really need suggestions and help. I'd appreciate anything at this point. I'm a believer in solving the problem, not putting on a band-aid or hoping it will go away. I can't give him money, but even if I could, it would only be a temporary solution. I can't give him motivation or confidence, that has to come from within. I'm going to at least do what I can to seek out options starting with contacting the ministry for counseling. Any other suggestions? Thanks so much. 

Kristin
 

Many people who choose to take the verbal and emotional abuse they endure at work with a smile on their face, only go on to abuse their loved one's outside of their work environment. This is very similair to the school-yard bully, only in reverse. As in most abuse cases, the abused takes the abuse again and again, only making the abuser feel even more powerful. Abuse can be as subtle as an employer who expects undue or unrealistic respect from an employee. There are all kinds of courses, conferences, and books on how to be a better employee. I have heard of none that are on how to be a better employer. 

 You're not alone I'm now almost 42 and lived in the same situaton for years. You're only hope is  

that you're father is soon going to retire as mine did. I found out at a young age that labor laws 

do not apply to you're children. Sure you have the option of getting another job. But, you have worked so hard to make this business you're future. One day I walked up and put it on the table 

I demanded a decent wage and respect. I meant it and it worked. Now 6 years later, I own the company and my parents are retired. I was a long road but, one worth walking.