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Topic : Stress at Work

Number of Replies: 237
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:24:47 am
Author : dataimport
How do you manage stress in the workplace? How do you leave the office at the office and manage a stress-free home life? Join us to share strategies.

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September 5, 2005, 1:26 pm CDT

Moody Boss! Help@!

Hi! I work full time outside the home and like my job but my boss is so moody! You never know when he is going to flip out on you. he is close to retirement and should do this soon so the rest of us don't quit! Is anyone else going through this too? 

  

Rachel  

 
September 11, 2005, 8:05 am CDT

I can relate to you

Quote From: tannersmom

Hi! I work full time outside the home and like my job but my boss is so moody! You never know when he is going to flip out on you. he is close to retirement and should do this soon so the rest of us don't quit! Is anyone else going through this too? 

  

Rachel  

I had a boss that was continually semi moody and semi grumbler, but believe it or not was actually happy at times.  After being there for a couple of months I realized that she built this business from scratch based mostly on her name.  It was her baby and no one, no one was going to tell her how to run it.  The only times she would listen to anybody was if they were the same size as her company or were bigger.   

  

She actually sometimes would listen to me - but that was when I looked her straight in the eye and said 'I don't think this can happen and heres why'.  She was always mildly yelling at me because of the position I held, and asking me questions some ofwhich I couldn't answer, and soon I realized it was to make her feel good.  I was mercifully fired - and the one thing she gave me was high blood pressure - constantly at me. 

  

I then left my field and went to work for a temp agency who farmed me out to whoever, this I enjoyed because I never was interviewed.   

  

I then went out on my own back into my field and did get a few clients, but also found out that there are business owners that just don't want to be told their business is not doing that good or what the problems are. 

  

I went back to a temp agency and started to form my own business and so far things ain't so bad. 

  

                                                     

 
September 12, 2005, 8:46 am CDT

Stress at Work

Quote From: tannersmom

Hi! I work full time outside the home and like my job but my boss is so moody! You never know when he is going to flip out on you. he is close to retirement and should do this soon so the rest of us don't quit! Is anyone else going through this too? 

  

Rachel  

Rachel, 

  

It depends on how long it is before his retirement?  If it's less than a year you can probably handle it. 

I had a boss very much like that only I was there much longer than he.  When I caught him adjusting numbers to make things balance I first went to him.  When it happened again I went to his boss.  From then on it was down hill for me.  They sided with him, even though I gave them proof, and life was hell for two years.  My health declined, I was on meds and ended up having a very hard time finding a new job.  I have been looking since April. 

Don't let that person take away what is most important to you.  Your self respect and the dearest of all your family. 

  

Been there! 

  

  

  

 
September 14, 2005, 9:11 am CDT

What to do?

Hi, my problem is two-fold.  I think people think that I am hard-of-hearing and I am paranoid about it to the point that I constantly think about it.  Although I have never been diagnosed with this problem, I was in a rock band for years and have attended many "loud" concerts and I feel like anyone who has been in this type of environment surely must of suffered some sort of damage.  People repeat themselves to me often as if I didn't hear them, when I actually did. I don't know what to do because I feel this paranoia is holding me back in my career. The second part to this posting is that I have little work experience due to years of college work and stripping. I feel like my lack of job experience only makes employers and co-workers more suspicious of me and thinking even more that I have a disability.  I know deep-down that I hear fine, but how can I make this paranoia go away! Of course without any medications, too! I definitely do not want to use any medication, but why do I have such a fear of success or fear of being found out problem?!!!  Thanks so much!!
 
September 14, 2005, 12:38 pm CDT

To Lucky

Quote From: lucky35

Hi, my problem is two-fold.  I think people think that I am hard-of-hearing and I am paranoid about it to the point that I constantly think about it.  Although I have never been diagnosed with this problem, I was in a rock band for years and have attended many "loud" concerts and I feel like anyone who has been in this type of environment surely must of suffered some sort of damage.  People repeat themselves to me often as if I didn't hear them, when I actually did. I don't know what to do because I feel this paranoia is holding me back in my career. The second part to this posting is that I have little work experience due to years of college work and stripping. I feel like my lack of job experience only makes employers and co-workers more suspicious of me and thinking even more that I have a disability.  I know deep-down that I hear fine, but how can I make this paranoia go away! Of course without any medications, too! I definitely do not want to use any medication, but why do I have such a fear of success or fear of being found out problem?!!!  Thanks so much!!

I have heard enough Psyc Profs says that if you think you are something - then your not!! - It's when you deny that anything is wrong with you - then maybe something might be.  The other problem is don't psyco-psamatic yourself, in other words, don't read a definition or think you might have it, because your psycie will tell you you do have it. 

  

You are right about the rock bank concerts, I myself have been to enough of them and my hearing has suffered over the years.  Ok you were a stripper.  True some people look upon this as horrible, but I have seen enough documintaries on people that strip - and it's divided into those that feel they have no other choice, and those that feel totally comfortable with themselves.  Now what you have to do is Quit worrying and start using your brain. 

  

I know that you have intelligence and are good to excellent at something.  Get in contact with yourself and take stock of yourself. 

  

                                                                            Rog 

 
September 14, 2005, 1:03 pm CDT

Thank you!

Quote From: renagade

I have heard enough Psyc Profs says that if you think you are something - then your not!! - It's when you deny that anything is wrong with you - then maybe something might be.  The other problem is don't psyco-psamatic yourself, in other words, don't read a definition or think you might have it, because your psycie will tell you you do have it. 

  

You are right about the rock bank concerts, I myself have been to enough of them and my hearing has suffered over the years.  Ok you were a stripper.  True some people look upon this as horrible, but I have seen enough documintaries on people that strip - and it's divided into those that feel they have no other choice, and those that feel totally comfortable with themselves.  Now what you have to do is Quit worrying and start using your brain. 

  

I know that you have intelligence and are good to excellent at something.  Get in contact with yourself and take stock of yourself. 

  

                                                                            Rog 

Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it.  You made me feel so much better.
 
September 14, 2005, 7:00 pm CDT

Now

Quote From: lucky35

Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it.  You made me feel so much better.

Will you start using the piece of anatomy that is covered with hair and between the ears, and stop worring about what people says - remember some people always have to have something to do. 

  

                                                                         Rog 

 
September 20, 2005, 12:02 pm CDT

How to help someone break free, move forward and succeed?

Hello Everyone, 

  

I would like to start by saying that I'm writing in hopes of finding help for someone I love. I'm almost 25 and he'll be 26 in a couple months. We've been dating for at least nine months now and in that time have grown close to the point where I feel he is such a perfect fit in my life. I know I want to spend my life with him because, as a person, he is so caring and in all the years I have been dating, I have never had such a strong, incredible connection with another person as I have with him. He feels the same way about me and we always have a wonderful time together. Everything we do from cooking, to hiking and planning the future meshes together. I can be myself, and feel like I have finally found happiness. Currently, I live at home with my parents and am planning to move out in the next 7 months or so. As a family, we made the choice to let me stay at home while I went to college for four years for my education. I completed that and am now currently employed full time and saving to move out. The problem is somewhat undefined for me, but it centers around the problems my boyfriend has with working/finding a better job. He was originally from Ontario (we live in BC now), and over 6 years ago he moved to Ohio to be with another girl before he met me. He had been somewhat of a loner, shy, and short on friends. His parents split when he was young, and his older brother was essentially kicked out of the house for not doing much with his life other than be loud and annoying at home. He met this girl online and ended up living with her for 5 years. In the beginning, he took a college (2 year) degree program for computing, but because he was a Canadian citizen living in the US, he wasn't able to get a job in the US. Additionally, the girl was usually confined to bed with some sort of sickness, so he basically did all the shopping, cooking and household things. He had his hobbies like drawing, bike riding, composing simple songs on the computer, and reading. The relationship wasn't one of love or great companionship and he was not happy with the situation, but felt trapped. She was not an easy person to talk to and got jealous if he spoke with other people (such as on the computer). However, he did meet some people online who live in my city, and eventually they convinced him to break free and move here to make a better future and be around friends who cared about him. Unfortunately, he had already wasted 5 years of his life where work history was concerned. 


He moved here and managed to get a job at the call center in town dealing with people who needed long distance customer support. I met him online and decided to contact him after reading his profile and learning that we had many of the same interests. He stayed at Convergys for a few months while we were together, but expressed to me that it was a stressful, monotonous job with a punch clock style, haphazard shift times, and far short of his actual skill set. He felt he could do better, but was stuck for how to remedy the situation. Because everything was so up in the air for him in a new town and just having met me, he was really stressed out. He ended up quitting the job and taking a while to find something else. It was not a good idea because of his tight financial situation, but it appeared to be what he needed. There's a fine line between doing something because you have to survive, and hating what you do to the point where it affects you too deeply. 


Eventually he ended up working at Toys R Us as a part time stock person in the back, then was laid off when they didn't need the extra seasonal staff. He found another part time job at Michaels doing more stocking and some cash register work. The problem was that he knew he could do more and wanted a better job, but his resume was not that appealing because of the 5-year work history gap. Who would employ someone like that when there are streams of young graduates coming out of the local university? The only jobs that seemed to call him back were minimum wage, part-time "icky" jobs. My opinion was that he needed to either do something to make a positive change, or suck it up and do the best he could to help achieve his goals. He did and still does live in shared accommodation with a single room and a shared bathroom. He was also very lonely, so when I found him, he was so happy to have the company and that developed into a lot more because of how compatible we are. He doesn't feel that his life is settled. He's always ended up having something change and never been truly settled. I've always tried to help and be there for him. Because he didn't have a car or even a license, I encouraged him to at least get that; it might open up more job opportunities. He managed to take some lessons and get his drivers license. He also took a food safe course and received that certification. I tried to think of ways that would make things easier or give him better opportunities, and I knew that an updated education could be the answer. The thing is that he was just getting by - existing in that tiny room with just enough to eat and pay the bills with not much left over. He wasn't getting anywhere and obviously, that would be quite depressing for anyone. 


After suggesting further education, we started to look at his options. Affordability was naturally a great concern, as well as something where there would be available jobs upon graduation. Most of the people I know were quite certain that the trades would be a good place to start. There is demand for skilled trades people, and also a better chance of making a better wage so that he would be able to save quicker. We reviewed the information on a local 6-month plumbing program and he thought that he could go for it and start actively working on his future. He ended up taking out a student loan and enrolling in the program. I was hopeful that it would work out and that he could get out of his rut, but it turned out that the plumbing program was just not for him. His heart was not in it, and he honestly couldn't see himself doing it. He hasn't had any real hands on experience, and lacks the confidence for trying something like plumbing knowing that he already didn't like it and didn't feel he would be good at it. The positive part was that he was able to communicate to me how he felt about it. I understood and didn't want him to do something he really hated just for me or because I thought it might be a good idea. I didn't want him to resent me in the future or end up being unhappy. He withdrew from the plumbing program and continued to work at Michaels part time. At this point in time, he is still there, and also just starting a part time position at Extra Foods. The difficult part is that he still is in debt because of the student loan, and the lessons he took for driving etc. I believe it is a few thousand dollars.. probably no more than 3 or 4 grand, but with the kind of money he makes now part time with no benefits, he can't afford to get ahead. He hasn't even seen a doctor, dentist or optometrist in probably 2 years either. At the rate he's going, it will take forever to do that and to get out of debt. His MAIN problem is the stress at work. It's not one particular job, but for some reason, things tend to get to him. He's been in this city for over a year now, and the fact that he's actually worse off financially than when he came here is weighing heavily on him. He is trapped in that small room and not able to move forward - he is living this against the backdrop of my life and how well things are going for me. I've got a car, am moving out soon to a good place because I can afford it, have a well paying full time job I like, and have extra for things I might want. 


Now, with most people, I would tell them to suck it up and work at it to pay off the debt, but for him, he has a really tough time doing that. I don't know the exact root of his problem, but he told me at one point that there are times when it feels so bad/overwhelming that he physically starts to shake. He will either end up quitting the job for something else, or he will be completely miserable, stressed and not able to deal with other things. It is affecting our relationship with the fact that my parents see him as lacking ambition. They want the best for me and feel that by pursuing him, I am "throwing away my life" because he is not moving forward. They don't understand why he won't go for any and every job available such as even starting in construction. He feels that most things he won't like doing, or they will be jobs way below his level of skill. One thing I should note is that when he was in school, he was not challenged enough. He did well, but then started slacking off because it was too boring and easy. He is not being challenged at all in these recent jobs and we can't seem to find any better prospects that could meet his needs. It's like this circle of dependencies that he can't seem to jump out of. He needs a better job that he A) likes and B) pays better, but in order for that to happen, his resume needs to be better by either experience (which he can't get because none of the jobs are along those lines), or by more education. Education is hard because he needs more money and needs to know what he does want to do. He is unsure. From where I sit, it's as if he is coming out of high school (because of those 5 wasted years), and he does not know where to turn or what to do and it is all so big and scary because any risk he takes with such low funds, means that he could really be in debt trouble or severely stressed. I've tried the 'one small step at a time' approach and it seems to work to a point, but it's at a stand still now. 


He doesn't know what to do or where to get help. In my opinion, if he can't stick with these part time jobs or find something better, there is something wrong - he's got some kind of issue(s) and they really need to be addressed so that he can work seriously on his future. My parents are concerned about me because if we remain together or even get married, he will certainly not be dependable as a provider, seems (to them) to be unambitious, and would not be able to help if something went wrong with me, such as if I got sick and couldn't work for a while or got pregnant. He is barely existing as it is, so there is no way he could provide for the both of us. I should note here that I do want to work and don't expect to sit at home while he works his butt off - I want us to be equals and working together for our future.  


So many people have abandoned him in his life in some form and I do not want to be another. I'm not trying to help out of guilt or pity or pressure. I just want to see him succeed and be happy. Obviously I have a vested interest in his future because I want to be a part of that future too. I love him so much that it hurts to see him going through this. But he is still young and there is still hope. Things in life could always be worse, but right now I want to concentrate on positive things. My family is frustrated with me now because of the dead end they see for me by staying with him. What can I/we do? I'm thinking of contacting Family Services or Mental Health through the Ministry - I'm not sure how that works, but I think he needs some kind of counseling/therapy in order to find the real problem and take active steps to fix it. This was suggested by a friend in addition to Big Brothers. I don't know anything about how these things work; all I do know is that he can't afford to pay for any extra services or therapy. I've told him that he has to find help (and that I will be there for him) so right now I want to figure out what to do. He's got so much potential if we could only just move this road block. 


Has anyone else had a similar situation? is there something that I'm overlooking, do I have false hope? To me, it seems that potentially this could be a long time in fixing. People don't get out of debt and find a good job over night. They also don't just get out of crippling stress either without intervention and direction. Whether or not we're together in the future, I do want to help and see him succeed in reaching his goals. I want my parents to see that he can do well and is good for me. They want to see him doing something that is productive. He enjoys his art, but we know that being a painter or regular artist takes a lot of work and you have to be really great in order to do well with that as a living. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I would be happy if he found a well paying job where he didn't have to worry about things and we could be happy together, but I also want him to be happy with what he does. It would not work to be in something that pays better if you have to drag yourself to the job each day hating it and knowing that this is your depressing future. What options do we really have? The root of his problem seems to be stress and lack of confidence - I believe this partly comes from the icky jobs, the fact that he has no vehicle and has to bike uphill to work or anywhere, I live out of town so am only able to see him after work sometimes or some weekends, he is stuck in that tiny room not able to afford more, has debt, doesn't know what he can do for school and doesn't want to risk more debt, and has no family here who can help him. It's a lot of pressure too hoping that we can have a future while meanwhile things are not looking up for him and he can't do his part to make our future work until some of these things are resolved. Even I am under a lot of pressure because I don't want my parents to be unhappy with me for seemingly wasting my time on him. We really need suggestions and help. I'd appreciate anything at this point. I'm a believer in solving the problem, not putting on a band-aid or hoping it will go away. I can't give him money, but even if I could, it would only be a temporary solution. I can't give him motivation or confidence, that has to come from within. I'm going to at least do what I can to seek out options starting with contacting the ministry for counseling. Any other suggestions? Thanks so much. 

  

Kristin
 

 
September 25, 2005, 2:10 am CDT

Been there done that....

Quote From: kristin

Hello Everyone, 

  

I would like to start by saying that I'm writing in hopes of finding help for someone I love. I'm almost 25 and he'll be 26 in a couple months. We've been dating for at least nine months now and in that time have grown close to the point where I feel he is such a perfect fit in my life. I know I want to spend my life with him because, as a person, he is so caring and in all the years I have been dating, I have never had such a strong, incredible connection with another person as I have with him. He feels the same way about me and we always have a wonderful time together. Everything we do from cooking, to hiking and planning the future meshes together. I can be myself, and feel like I have finally found happiness. Currently, I live at home with my parents and am planning to move out in the next 7 months or so. As a family, we made the choice to let me stay at home while I went to college for four years for my education. I completed that and am now currently employed full time and saving to move out. The problem is somewhat undefined for me, but it centers around the problems my boyfriend has with working/finding a better job. He was originally from Ontario (we live in BC now), and over 6 years ago he moved to Ohio to be with another girl before he met me. He had been somewhat of a loner, shy, and short on friends. His parents split when he was young, and his older brother was essentially kicked out of the house for not doing much with his life other than be loud and annoying at home. He met this girl online and ended up living with her for 5 years. In the beginning, he took a college (2 year) degree program for computing, but because he was a Canadian citizen living in the US, he wasn't able to get a job in the US. Additionally, the girl was usually confined to bed with some sort of sickness, so he basically did all the shopping, cooking and household things. He had his hobbies like drawing, bike riding, composing simple songs on the computer, and reading. The relationship wasn't one of love or great companionship and he was not happy with the situation, but felt trapped. She was not an easy person to talk to and got jealous if he spoke with other people (such as on the computer). However, he did meet some people online who live in my city, and eventually they convinced him to break free and move here to make a better future and be around friends who cared about him. Unfortunately, he had already wasted 5 years of his life where work history was concerned. 


He moved here and managed to get a job at the call center in town dealing with people who needed long distance customer support. I met him online and decided to contact him after reading his profile and learning that we had many of the same interests. He stayed at Convergys for a few months while we were together, but expressed to me that it was a stressful, monotonous job with a punch clock style, haphazard shift times, and far short of his actual skill set. He felt he could do better, but was stuck for how to remedy the situation. Because everything was so up in the air for him in a new town and just having met me, he was really stressed out. He ended up quitting the job and taking a while to find something else. It was not a good idea because of his tight financial situation, but it appeared to be what he needed. There's a fine line between doing something because you have to survive, and hating what you do to the point where it affects you too deeply. 


Eventually he ended up working at Toys R Us as a part time stock person in the back, then was laid off when they didn't need the extra seasonal staff. He found another part time job at Michaels doing more stocking and some cash register work. The problem was that he knew he could do more and wanted a better job, but his resume was not that appealing because of the 5-year work history gap. Who would employ someone like that when there are streams of young graduates coming out of the local university? The only jobs that seemed to call him back were minimum wage, part-time "icky" jobs. My opinion was that he needed to either do something to make a positive change, or suck it up and do the best he could to help achieve his goals. He did and still does live in shared accommodation with a single room and a shared bathroom. He was also very lonely, so when I found him, he was so happy to have the company and that developed into a lot more because of how compatible we are. He doesn't feel that his life is settled. He's always ended up having something change and never been truly settled. I've always tried to help and be there for him. Because he didn't have a car or even a license, I encouraged him to at least get that; it might open up more job opportunities. He managed to take some lessons and get his drivers license. He also took a food safe course and received that certification. I tried to think of ways that would make things easier or give him better opportunities, and I knew that an updated education could be the answer. The thing is that he was just getting by - existing in that tiny room with just enough to eat and pay the bills with not much left over. He wasn't getting anywhere and obviously, that would be quite depressing for anyone. 


After suggesting further education, we started to look at his options. Affordability was naturally a great concern, as well as something where there would be available jobs upon graduation. Most of the people I know were quite certain that the trades would be a good place to start. There is demand for skilled trades people, and also a better chance of making a better wage so that he would be able to save quicker. We reviewed the information on a local 6-month plumbing program and he thought that he could go for it and start actively working on his future. He ended up taking out a student loan and enrolling in the program. I was hopeful that it would work out and that he could get out of his rut, but it turned out that the plumbing program was just not for him. His heart was not in it, and he honestly couldn't see himself doing it. He hasn't had any real hands on experience, and lacks the confidence for trying something like plumbing knowing that he already didn't like it and didn't feel he would be good at it. The positive part was that he was able to communicate to me how he felt about it. I understood and didn't want him to do something he really hated just for me or because I thought it might be a good idea. I didn't want him to resent me in the future or end up being unhappy. He withdrew from the plumbing program and continued to work at Michaels part time. At this point in time, he is still there, and also just starting a part time position at Extra Foods. The difficult part is that he still is in debt because of the student loan, and the lessons he took for driving etc. I believe it is a few thousand dollars.. probably no more than 3 or 4 grand, but with the kind of money he makes now part time with no benefits, he can't afford to get ahead. He hasn't even seen a doctor, dentist or optometrist in probably 2 years either. At the rate he's going, it will take forever to do that and to get out of debt. His MAIN problem is the stress at work. It's not one particular job, but for some reason, things tend to get to him. He's been in this city for over a year now, and the fact that he's actually worse off financially than when he came here is weighing heavily on him. He is trapped in that small room and not able to move forward - he is living this against the backdrop of my life and how well things are going for me. I've got a car, am moving out soon to a good place because I can afford it, have a well paying full time job I like, and have extra for things I might want. 


Now, with most people, I would tell them to suck it up and work at it to pay off the debt, but for him, he has a really tough time doing that. I don't know the exact root of his problem, but he told me at one point that there are times when it feels so bad/overwhelming that he physically starts to shake. He will either end up quitting the job for something else, or he will be completely miserable, stressed and not able to deal with other things. It is affecting our relationship with the fact that my parents see him as lacking ambition. They want the best for me and feel that by pursuing him, I am "throwing away my life" because he is not moving forward. They don't understand why he won't go for any and every job available such as even starting in construction. He feels that most things he won't like doing, or they will be jobs way below his level of skill. One thing I should note is that when he was in school, he was not challenged enough. He did well, but then started slacking off because it was too boring and easy. He is not being challenged at all in these recent jobs and we can't seem to find any better prospects that could meet his needs. It's like this circle of dependencies that he can't seem to jump out of. He needs a better job that he A) likes and B) pays better, but in order for that to happen, his resume needs to be better by either experience (which he can't get because none of the jobs are along those lines), or by more education. Education is hard because he needs more money and needs to know what he does want to do. He is unsure. From where I sit, it's as if he is coming out of high school (because of those 5 wasted years), and he does not know where to turn or what to do and it is all so big and scary because any risk he takes with such low funds, means that he could really be in debt trouble or severely stressed. I've tried the 'one small step at a time' approach and it seems to work to a point, but it's at a stand still now. 


He doesn't know what to do or where to get help. In my opinion, if he can't stick with these part time jobs or find something better, there is something wrong - he's got some kind of issue(s) and they really need to be addressed so that he can work seriously on his future. My parents are concerned about me because if we remain together or even get married, he will certainly not be dependable as a provider, seems (to them) to be unambitious, and would not be able to help if something went wrong with me, such as if I got sick and couldn't work for a while or got pregnant. He is barely existing as it is, so there is no way he could provide for the both of us. I should note here that I do want to work and don't expect to sit at home while he works his butt off - I want us to be equals and working together for our future.  


So many people have abandoned him in his life in some form and I do not want to be another. I'm not trying to help out of guilt or pity or pressure. I just want to see him succeed and be happy. Obviously I have a vested interest in his future because I want to be a part of that future too. I love him so much that it hurts to see him going through this. But he is still young and there is still hope. Things in life could always be worse, but right now I want to concentrate on positive things. My family is frustrated with me now because of the dead end they see for me by staying with him. What can I/we do? I'm thinking of contacting Family Services or Mental Health through the Ministry - I'm not sure how that works, but I think he needs some kind of counseling/therapy in order to find the real problem and take active steps to fix it. This was suggested by a friend in addition to Big Brothers. I don't know anything about how these things work; all I do know is that he can't afford to pay for any extra services or therapy. I've told him that he has to find help (and that I will be there for him) so right now I want to figure out what to do. He's got so much potential if we could only just move this road block. 


Has anyone else had a similar situation? is there something that I'm overlooking, do I have false hope? To me, it seems that potentially this could be a long time in fixing. People don't get out of debt and find a good job over night. They also don't just get out of crippling stress either without intervention and direction. Whether or not we're together in the future, I do want to help and see him succeed in reaching his goals. I want my parents to see that he can do well and is good for me. They want to see him doing something that is productive. He enjoys his art, but we know that being a painter or regular artist takes a lot of work and you have to be really great in order to do well with that as a living. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I would be happy if he found a well paying job where he didn't have to worry about things and we could be happy together, but I also want him to be happy with what he does. It would not work to be in something that pays better if you have to drag yourself to the job each day hating it and knowing that this is your depressing future. What options do we really have? The root of his problem seems to be stress and lack of confidence - I believe this partly comes from the icky jobs, the fact that he has no vehicle and has to bike uphill to work or anywhere, I live out of town so am only able to see him after work sometimes or some weekends, he is stuck in that tiny room not able to afford more, has debt, doesn't know what he can do for school and doesn't want to risk more debt, and has no family here who can help him. It's a lot of pressure too hoping that we can have a future while meanwhile things are not looking up for him and he can't do his part to make our future work until some of these things are resolved. Even I am under a lot of pressure because I don't want my parents to be unhappy with me for seemingly wasting my time on him. We really need suggestions and help. I'd appreciate anything at this point. I'm a believer in solving the problem, not putting on a band-aid or hoping it will go away. I can't give him money, but even if I could, it would only be a temporary solution. I can't give him motivation or confidence, that has to come from within. I'm going to at least do what I can to seek out options starting with contacting the ministry for counseling. Any other suggestions? Thanks so much. 

  

Kristin
 

Kristin, I don't intend to be mean, but its not your problem. You have been kind and supportive, but its time for you to move on..... This guy has a lot of things going on in his life and he is the only one who can make  them better- if he hates these "icky jobs", ones that hundreds and thousands of people hold, perform and succeed at, what is he going to do? You told us he quit his chance at a profession, and now he has to pay the money back. Umm., yes he does. Does that mean he only should work 40 hours a week? No. He is young and without kids. He is able to work 2 jobs and maybe 3 to get himself on track. There are a LOT of artists out there who enjoy art without making a living at it. You sound like a lovely young woman- you have encouraged this guy, and now its time to kick him out of the nest of protection you have built for him and let him fly.  Tell him you care about him, and will see him in 1 year from now. Date a lot, work on your career, have fun with your friends.Give him this year to be on his own and allow him to save himself. If at that one year anniversary, you see each other and the sparks still fly, fine! He should have his stuff together for success by then.... 

 
September 25, 2005, 11:06 am CDT

unwelcomed advance

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this message, but thought I'd give it a try.  I began working at my new job approximately two months ago and I really like it.  But first, let me give some background which may or may not be relevant.  I am 35 years old and I just returned to the states from living abroad for about one year with my husband (who is from that foreign country).  Long story short, I left to come home because I found out that he was still in love with his ex and basically wanted to marry me in the hopes that he would forget her.  To add insult to injury, he even began seeing a completely different woman while struggling with these feelings.  I gave up everything to move there with him and now I have absolutely nothing.  I gave up my home, all my possessions, sold my car, etc. etc. Anyway...so, I'm back "home" and found a really great job after only 6 weeks.  I am living with my parents while I get back on my feet and am working diligently to rebuild my life.  It's not easy--but I am strong and am doing rather well all things considering.   

  

So, this brings me to my current dilema...I've been on the job for about two months and have made several friends in the office.  Everyone is really nice and one person in particular seemed to befriend me and has taken it upon himself to show me the ropes and make me feel comfortable so that I can do my job effectively.  No one in the office knows all the details my personal life (I'm very private and don't air my dirty laundry).  All they know is that I lived abroad and am back because my husband made "some mistakes."  Anyway, this person is not my direct supervisor but has been given the responsibility to train me and make sure I have all the resources to do my job.  This person is much older than I am, married, three grown children, involved in the community and his church and I trust him.  We have worked closely together on several projects and seem to be a good team.   

  

The other day after successfully completing a high-profile project, we went out after to relax and enjoy a beer.  No big deal I thought and completely innocent.  Well, he completely unloaded all this personal information about himself and his relationship with his wife.  Before that, he started this out by saying that he really didn't want me to leave my job but he trusted me and needed to confide in me.  Being the nice person that I am (to a fault) I allowed him to unload.  He said how much he liked me and trusted me and hoped that he could share his life and feelings with me because his wife no longer responded to him and threatened to turn their children against him if he left her.  Needless to say I felt very uncomfortable but at the same time sorry for him because of the pain he obviously was experiencing.  It was all a very strange conversation and he kept saying that he didn't want me to leave my job and that he doesn't normally do this and seek out other women.  He was also telling me stories (he likes to share stories which is fine with me--I'm a good listener) about his past jobs where his former bosses and colleagues would engage in somewhat questionable behavior with other women.  Like I said it was all very strange. 

  

Neeless to say I was a little confused but did manage to say at the time that his ramblings were confidential and that I would not talk about that with anyone else in the office and that he could trust me with his confessions.  But now, after having some time to digest all of that and his behavior with me the past two months, I am seriously wondering what his intentions are.  That's not true, I'm not wondering--I truly believe that he wants me to engage in some sort of relationship with him that goes way beyond friendship.  Once I realized that, I got totally furious!  I have two hard and fast rules regarding men--never get involved with a married man and never with one from work.  It's just not a good idea and nothing good at all can come from it. 

  

So, what do I do?  My first reaction is to quit my job as I'm not sure yet if I will ever feel comfortable there now knowing what I do about him and what he wants from me.  That idea completely infuriates me because here I am trying to get my life back together and I actually found I job I really like.  Do I tell him that I absolutely refuse to engage in that sort of behavior with him and that we are never to speak of it again?  Then move forward cautiously without having to quit my job?  How awkward will that be?? 

  

I am really upset about this and just want some feedback from the great folks here at Dr. Phil.com before I make any decisions.   

  

I appreciate your feedback and if you have any questions, I will respond.  Thank you for your counsel! 

  

  

 
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