Topic : Workplace Bullies

I had been bullied at my work place until I was requested by my supervisor for my resignation. After I was approved my unemployment, I filled a complaintant with department of labor. For several months now I've been looking for employment, but have not had any luck. This is the first time I haven't been able to get another job quickly. I was woundering if my last supervisor had written or lied to my protential new employees about me. How can one find out what your past employeer(s) say about you on a potential new job reference?  

While it is comforting to know that other adults are experiencing bullying, it is tragic  still.  I was bullied at all schools I attended and as a child was constantly told by adults, that it's something that kids grow out off.  Now I am a young adult I see that bullying is an insecure person thing not a kiddy thing. 

Well I wasn't sure where to post this message, but after reading the cases of others who had been bullied at work thought this was the best board to post what I had to say.  As previously mentioned I have been bullied by a good few people in differing situations.  However the most recent occurence was in my final year at college by a girl who was a few yrs older.  It was really bad as we shared an apartment-with private en-suite facilities but with a shared kitchen.  This girl was soo evil (strong but totally accurate use of the word).  After first moving into the apartment I could see that she was a very rude, controlling person.  The kind who never lets you be, she will always offer to cook you stuff or, invite you to socialise with her but she has to always call the shots.  i'm a prettty individual person so I figured our personalities would clash so I tried to avoid her.  However she was highly skilled in the art of manipulation, and for a while she was only showing her nice side.  She would do stuff that kind of invites you to partake in conversations, pay you a really nice compliment etc. 

Foolishly I fell for it, and before I knew it I was spending alot more time talking with her, although I would walk away feeling really unhappy or upset.  As Im quite reflective I would ask my self why do you feel upset or inadequate?  Sure enough- I saw it was subtle little comments that this girl was making.  She would begin to attack me personally or ask some really personal questions- she thrived on making me feel uncomfortable.  Then she began making racial comments- she is white and i am black, she would say stuff like black girls are moody, bitchy etc.  She would make nasty comments about my hair, skin if I had extensions she would try to humiliate me by asking questions she already  knows in front of boys etc  And she would say she isn't racist cos she dates black men and they told her, so its fact not messed up opinion!!  I could see that this had the potential to escalate and I didnt want it to, I just wanted to finish up at college and be done with her.  I tried so hard to avoid her, it was a real depressing situation cos I was the only ethnic minority in a long distance and if the guys from the apartment below came up she would always start her malicious topics.  I dont know whether they were also racist or if they were also afraid of her too but, they would all agree and I was never once deffended. No one even deared try to stop her, or change topic.   

I knew there was no point in complaining to staff at the college as this girl is a strait a student and i knew they would take her side or not believe me- say i was playing the race card.  I began to avoid the kitchen if she was in there but, was hard cos if I went in there then she would follow me in too.  If I had friends round she would try to talk to them but not me, freeze me out of convos, organise parties not invite/notify me.  She would come in from bars at 3/4 am and blare her music, my room was right next to hers so I would get it full blast.  The few times I dared ask her to turn it down, she would then she would turn it right back up again when I was in bed.  Once she blared a song I hate u so much over+over again.  She would bring guys into the flat and they would trash the kitchen and start to wrestle in the corridor in the middle of the night and bang on my door.  If I tried to ask to refrain from doing this she would always say it wasn't her, it was the guys etc  I had heard of instances when she had bullied people before and on1 occasion she physically attacked a girl. 

What was bad was that she was very good at making herself seem the victim, she told me was constantly sexually abused as a child, etc I guess she was making excuses for her behaviour so I would just put up with it.  By the end of it I was feeling real low, I was soo upset.  I was sourrounded by people who only ever made me feel bad.  The most frustrating thing is that she refused to ever allow me to keep myself to myself, if I went in the kitchen she would be in there within seconds-her room was directly opposite the kitchen so she could see when any1 went in there. 

I was left feeling so distrought, things came to a head when she had guys in the flat who made alot of damage that I knew would take alot of deposit.  When i questioned her about it, I of all people was accused of been rude (how dear i ask her anything!!) and was faced a verbal assault of F**k, B**t* etc Things were getting heated, and i could see that this was building ready to pop.  There was no way i cud have moved (finacially impossible) so i was stuck there.  In the end she started to bring a guy into the flat who i had previuosly been acquainted with who had been very unpleasant/racist to me.  This was meant to be my home, they would make snide comments, noise etc i felt so violated, i was afraid, upset, scared and felt so unsupported. no one would even admit to what she was doing let alone tell her to stop.  It was made even tougher by the fact that  we studied the same course and I would have to seee them daily in classes.  At this point i could stand it no longer and packed a few things and moved city, staying with family.  Even though this meant I could no longer attend classes, my work suffered but it was the only way I could get a bit of a break.  Although this still didnt stop them bothering me, she got  this other girl to send me real horrible sms to my cell phone. I didnt return until a few days after they had all moved out.  That was when i discovered that they had gone into my food cupboards and put cockroaches, beetles etc in my food!!   

For a whole year this went on, during my final and most important year.  Every day i thank god i am out of that situation, but it has left me really inhibited.  I used be quite outgoing but that has made me real reserved.  Even worse is I am afraid i have not gone for a job, it worries me to think that no one dared help me stand up to this girl, they jjust ignored it/pretended it wasnt happening.  I am afraid to have to go into the wrkforce with similar people (remember they all did my course) who enjoy persecuting me in such ways.  i am still mad at myself for even talking to her in the 1st place even though had a pretty good idea of what she was like.  What if i get sucked in by someone else again?  I need closure but dnt know how to get it.  Am left feeling very scared of situation happening again.  What can I do? 

While it is comforting to know that other adults are experiencing bullying, it is tragic  still.  I was bullied at all schools I attended and as a child was constantly told by adults, that it's something that kids grow out off.  Now I am a young adult I see that bullying is an insecure person thing not a kiddy thing. 

Well I wasn't sure where to post this message, but after reading the cases of others who had been bullied at work thought this was the best board to post what I had to say.  As previously mentioned I have been bullied by a good few people in differing situations.  However the most recent occurence was in my final year at college by a girl who was a few yrs older.  It was really bad as we shared an apartment-with private en-suite facilities but with a shared kitchen.  This girl was soo evil (strong but totally accurate use of the word).  After first moving into the apartment I could see that she was a very rude, controlling person.  The kind who never lets you be, she will always offer to cook you stuff or, invite you to socialise with her but she has to always call the shots.  i'm a prettty individual person so I figured our personalities would clash so I tried to avoid her.  However she was highly skilled in the art of manipulation, and for a while she was only showing her nice side.  She would do stuff that kind of invites you to partake in conversations, pay you a really nice compliment etc. 

Foolishly I fell for it, and before I knew it I was spending alot more time talking with her, although I would walk away feeling really unhappy or upset.  As Im quite reflective I would ask my self why do you feel upset or inadequate?  Sure enough- I saw it was subtle little comments that this girl was making.  She would begin to attack me personally or ask some really personal questions- she thrived on making me feel uncomfortable.  Then she began making racial comments- she is white and i am black, she would say stuff like black girls are moody, bitchy etc.  She would make nasty comments about my hair, skin if I had extensions she would try to humiliate me by asking questions she already  knows in front of boys etc  And she would say she isn't racist cos she dates black men and they told her, so its fact not messed up opinion!!  I could see that this had the potential to escalate and I didnt want it to, I just wanted to finish up at college and be done with her.  I tried so hard to avoid her, it was a real depressing situation cos I was the only ethnic minority in a long distance and if the guys from the apartment below came up she would always start her malicious topics.  I dont know whether they were also racist or if they were also afraid of her too but, they would all agree and I was never once deffended. No one even deared try to stop her, or change topic.   

I knew there was no point in complaining to staff at the college as this girl is a strait a student and i knew they would take her side or not believe me- say i was playing the race card.  I began to avoid the kitchen if she was in there but, was hard cos if I went in there then she would follow me in too.  If I had friends round she would try to talk to them but not me, freeze me out of convos, organise parties not invite/notify me.  She would come in from bars at 3/4 am and blare her music, my room was right next to hers so I would get it full blast.  The few times I dared ask her to turn it down, she would then she would turn it right back up again when I was in bed.  Once she blared a song I hate u so much over+over again.  She would bring guys into the flat and they would trash the kitchen and start to wrestle in the corridor in the middle of the night and bang on my door.  If I tried to ask to refrain from doing this she would always say it wasn't her, it was the guys etc  I had heard of instances when she had bullied people before and on1 occasion she physically attacked a girl. 

What was bad was that she was very good at making herself seem the victim, she told me was constantly sexually abused as a child, etc I guess she was making excuses for her behaviour so I would just put up with it.  By the end of it I was feeling real low, I was soo upset.  I was sourrounded by people who only ever made me feel bad.  The most frustrating thing is that she refused to ever allow me to keep myself to myself, if I went in the kitchen she would be in there within seconds-her room was directly opposite the kitchen so she could see when any1 went in there. 

I was left feeling so distrought, things came to a head when she had guys in the flat who made alot of damage that I knew would take alot of deposit.  When i questioned her about it, I of all people was accused of been rude (how dear i ask her anything!!) and was faced a verbal assault of F**k, B**t* etc Things were getting heated, and i could see that this was building ready to pop.  There was no way i cud have moved (finacially impossible) so i was stuck there.  In the end she started to bring a guy into the flat who i had previuosly been acquainted with who had been very unpleasant/racist to me.  This was meant to be my home, they would make snide comments, noise etc i felt so violated, i was afraid, upset, scared and felt so unsupported. no one would even admit to what she was doing let alone tell her to stop.  It was made even tougher by the fact that  we studied the same course and I would have to seee them daily in classes.  At this point i could stand it no longer and packed a few things and moved city, staying with family.  Even though this meant I could no longer attend classes, my work suffered but it was the only way I could get a bit of a break.  Although this still didnt stop them bothering me, she got  this other girl to send me real horrible sms to my cell phone. I didnt return until a few days after they had all moved out.  That was when i discovered that they had gone into my food cupboards and put cockroaches, beetles etc in my food!!   

For a whole year this went on, during my final and most important year.  Every day i thank god i am out of that situation, but it has left me really inhibited.  I used be quite outgoing but that has made me real reserved.  Even worse is I am afraid i have not gone for a job, it worries me to think that no one dared help me stand up to this girl, they jjust ignored it/pretended it wasnt happening.  I am afraid to have to go into the wrkforce with similar people (remember they all did my course) who enjoy persecuting me in such ways.  i am still mad at myself for even talking to her in the 1st place even though had a pretty good idea of what she was like.  What if i get sucked in by someone else again?  I need closure but dnt know how to get it.  Am left feeling very scared of situation happening again.  What can I do? 

I f it is possible contact (prefebly phone or email) your previous employers as a prospective employer of you.  See what they are saying that way.   

NB If you ring they may recognise your voice so get a friend to do it.  And if you email, dont use an account they know was yours! 

Isnt referencing just impossible, I have a past tutor who gave me a bad reference and then told me to my face after!!  Funnily though I still got the job! Which was lucky cos she was being bitter.