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Topic : 03/20 Policing the Parents

Number of Replies: 195
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, October 19, 2007, 01:48:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/25/07) Should teens have to police a parent who is drug-addicted or just overall irresponsible? Robert, a father of two, has been in rehab six times in the past four years for an alcohol addiction. He says he drinks so often that his 14-year-old daughter, Keryn, pours out his beer daily, cleans up his bloody wounds after drunken falls and walks him home to prevent the police from arresting him! Robert's wife, Eileen, says she feels torn between protecting her children and loyalty to her husband. Will she stop enabling Robert's addiction, and will Robert get the wake-up call he desperately needs? Keryn has been her father's overseer for so long, is it too late to reverse their roles? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.


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October 25, 2007, 6:41 am CDT

You just have to let God handle it!

My father was what you call a functioning alcoholic. He worked extremely hard, and at the end of the day he was so drunk that there was nothing left  for him to do but, to go to sleep. I love my dad always and forever, but I had to realize that there was nothing I can do to help him if he didn't want the help himself. Like the girls on the show I used to try and hide the liquor or flush it, but he would always find a way to get it himself. I used to think when I was a little girl that I could change him, and I was his only child. When that didn't work I thought that once I started having my children that would work. It didn't . My father was a very strong minded person. It began as social drinking, then led up to him being a severe alcoholic. It really got bad when my mom unexpectedly died of Lung Cancer. After that he hit rock bottom hard. It got so bad that he eventually lost his job.  The company he worked for even;  on several occassions sent him to get help. That didn't work either.  Finally, I decided that my father was a grown man capable of making his own decisions. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he was devastated about his wife. Afterwhile, I put the whole situation in God's hands, and 2 years ago my father died of sclorosis of the liver. Basically, My father died of acoholism. I just think that these girls need to put the entire situation in God's hands, and let their father be at peace.
 
October 25, 2007, 7:08 am CDT

Living with a alcoholic

It is so sad that a child feels that she has to police her dad.  What the hell is wrong with the mom?  How can she allow this to happen?  I know it's hard, I have been there not in the same way but close, I just left my boyfriend of three years because of his drinking, it was the same sort of thing, he would drink until he would black out where ever he was, in the chair. sitting on the edge of  the bed, even on the toilet!  He thinks that it's not a big problem because he only drinks on the weekends, hello it's a problem if it destroys your realationship!  I have two children and when things started to get worse, all I could think about was them and not letting them grow up seeing that kind of stuff. He says he wants to stop so we can be together but I think he has gotten worse, he uses ever excuse in the book as to why he needs to drink.  It is so hard to understand how if someone loves you and wants to be with you but yet when given the choice they pick the alcohol over everything, it really hurts, I know first hand that it happens all the time.  My father is a alcoholic, he too was givin the choice, family or alcohol, he left when I was six weeks old, I dont even know what he looks like, or even if he is alive.  I feel for this family and I hope he does get the help that he needs.  People dont change unless they truly want to.  Everyone has a rock bottom, until they hit it, I dont think there is much hope for change. I hope I am wrong, for this family and myself.
 
October 25, 2007, 7:24 am CDT

Kids policing alcoholic parents

Dear Dr. Phil,

I just watched this show and wanted to let you know how I handled my alcoholic husband 15 years ago.

At the time our children were 15, 13, and 10.

My husbands drink of choice was whiskey of which he was going through at least 5 gallon jugs  per week.  Of course ending each evening with his chin on his chest sitting in the family room on our couch.  The kids and I stayed in the living room and talked and watched TV. 

The way I got through to him was this:  Stayed up most of the night packing his clothes, in the morning when he got out of bed and the kids were at school, I told him that I felt that I couldn't force him to stop his drinking, although if he continued to drink, he was just going to have to find a place to live and drink there.  I then made plans to take the kids up north for 2 days and had told my husband I needed his decision when we came home.  While away the kids and I had very frank discussions on this subject.

After all, they lived there too and saw what was happening. 

Thankfully, this was his wake up call, he quit drinking and hasn't had a drink since.

This show rang a bell with me because I'm a nurse also and at that time was an OR scrub nurse.

The main difference here was that I had many frank discussions with my kids and I never let it be up to them to "take care of him."

D.Kemp from Michigan

 
October 25, 2007, 7:29 am CDT

I

Dr Phil,

I know you are a psychologist and are trained to deal with flawed thinking, and personally you seem to think most issues can be solved by an act of determined will guided by improved eithics or integrity. You have seen how biological causes (hormonal changes in your wife) can influence behavior. What if a person doesn't have the raw materials to synthesize those hormones? What if that hormone deficiency is caused by a genetically predisposed nutritional ailment called Pyroluria, discovered in the 1950's by the head of the Princeton Brain Bio research Center. Carl Pfieffer? What if the same ailment (lack of vitamin B6 and the Mineral Zinc) prevents the person from synthesizing all kinds of hormones, brain neurotransmitters and is a factor in substance abuse 40-50% of the time? Please call Dr. Joan Mathews-Larson and find out what supplimenting these essential nutrients can do for recovering alcoholics and people with unbalanced brain chemisry. Her clinic is in Minnesota. Also a prtege of Dr Pffieffer is a Brain researcher Eric Braverman MD. He was inspired by His mentors research and has built on it. He spends 70% of his time lecturing to other doctors about his findings on brain chemistry and simple treatments from Adddiction to alzheimer's. His book is THE EDGE EFFECT. DR Mmathews-Larson wrote Seven Weeks to Sobriety. (The title should read, Seven weeks to a REAL CHANCE at sobriety). Boy I wish you would give this a chance. One in ten people who watch your show could be helped by this information.

 
October 25, 2007, 7:40 am CDT

10/25 Policing the Parents

I just watched the show and felt so bad for the two girls Karen and Megan.  I myself have lived through having a alchoholic father.  My mother worked all the time to keep us a float.  My dad was a good dad but he had a big problem.  He cheated on my mom nurmerous times and would come home all hours of the morning stumbling barley making it into the house.  This went on through out my whole childhood.  I left home when I was 19 and tried to make it on my own.  I then went down the same road as my dad.  I became a heavy drinker.  I could drink a 12 pack of beer no problem.  I would drive and put boones farm in a wesco cup and go "boose crusing" I then found drugs.  I started to mix in acid, cocaine, pot, and any type of pills I could find.  I had lots of sex partners and was severly depressed.  My dad during this time had a heart attack after my mom kicked him out.  Some how my mom forgave him and let him come back home and he hasn't had a drink  since.  My father has been sobar for  7 years.  I am so proud of him.  As for me on one of my drunken nights I was with a man and got pregnant.  I moved back home with mom and dad and some how found the strength in myself to quit everything.  That little voice in my head would not let me damage that little person in my body.  I cleaned up my life and great things have been happening every since.  My son is now 4 years old and I am determind to stop the line of alchoholics in my family.  I don't want my son to live the life both me and my dad have lived.  Along with my grandparents and  aunts and uncles on my dads side.  I do have a brother and sister that are both going down that road.  My sister is older then me and smokes pot and drinks regulary and so does my little brother.  They both hid this from my parents and I am torn.  I want to tell my parents but am affraid I will lose any relationship with my siblings.  They both do it together.  When I quit doing drugs and drinking I have in there eyes became "uncool"  They both kind of turned there backs on me.  My sister has three kids that she left with her pot head ex husband.  I feel so bad for those kids.  No matter where they go with there dad or there mother they are exposed to this life style.  I know that this can be beat, me and my dad proved it.  How can I get my brother and sister see to that there life style is hurting the people around them.
 
October 25, 2007, 7:51 am CDT

Amen!

Quote From: valordave

Dr Phil,

I know you are a psychologist and are trained to deal with flawed thinking, and personally you seem to think most issues can be solved by an act of determined will guided by improved eithics or integrity. You have seen how biological causes (hormonal changes in your wife) can influence behavior. What if a person doesn't have the raw materials to synthesize those hormones? What if that hormone deficiency is caused by a genetically predisposed nutritional ailment called Pyroluria, discovered in the 1950's by the head of the Princeton Brain Bio research Center. Carl Pfieffer? What if the same ailment (lack of vitamin B6 and the Mineral Zinc) prevents the person from synthesizing all kinds of hormones, brain neurotransmitters and is a factor in substance abuse 40-50% of the time? Please call Dr. Joan Mathews-Larson and find out what supplimenting these essential nutrients can do for recovering alcoholics and people with unbalanced brain chemisry. Her clinic is in Minnesota. Also a prtege of Dr Pffieffer is a Brain researcher Eric Braverman MD. He was inspired by His mentors research and has built on it. He spends 70% of his time lecturing to other doctors about his findings on brain chemistry and simple treatments from Adddiction to alzheimer's. His book is THE EDGE EFFECT. DR Mmathews-Larson wrote Seven Weeks to Sobriety. (The title should read, Seven weeks to a REAL CHANCE at sobriety). Boy I wish you would give this a chance. One in ten people who watch your show could be helped by this information.

I whole heartedly agree with what you've said.  Most alcoholics don't want to drink and don't want to have the urge to drink.  Granted, how they go about dealing with their urges and getting help is up to them, however, I got the feeling that Dr. Phil felt that this guy on the show could just turn off his craving for a drink.  It's not that easy.  As Dr. Phil has said many times on the show, some people are just wired differently.   Alcoholics feel shameful enough and don't need somebody to be condescending on national television.  It took a lot of guts for those guests to acknowledge their problem and seek help--they shouldn't be made to feel inferior for doing so.
 
October 25, 2007, 8:02 am CDT

That could of been me

I have been an alcoholic since I was probably 11 years old. I remember going into my parents bar and getting the little bottles that you get from airlines, and taking them to school and during assemblys drinking them and thinking this is COOL! Then when I was 14 met a man who was 18 and use to get drunk all the time.I ended up pregnant at 17,got married but he use to beat me.I was in Womens shelter with the children, but ended up going back because he said he wouldn't do it anymore. Somehow one night I was at the bar when he came in and said he was going to run me over, I ran away that night leaving behind my 2 children. Luckily we lived with his aunt at the time so I knew that the kids were going to be alright. I met a man and ended up going to Florida with him ,not knowing that I was pregnant with my  4th child. ( My husband made me get an abortion in 78.) I have been with this man since 1980 and had a son in Jan. 81. But then in 82 I got pregnant again and he made me give the baby up for adoption.Then in 1986 I had another baby- a girl. Then I got pregnant again and my husband made me get an abortion,because he said we couldn't afford another child. Anyway during all this time I stayed drunk pretty much all the time. I did try to meet up with my 2 other children in 87-Then when we moved I lost track of them .I found them again and up to NY they came to visit. My daughter was 21 now and decided that she wanted to move up here too. She  stayed for about 2 years then went back to NJ. Came back up later and asked to stay with us, my husband didn't like the idea.( she now had 2 children under the age of 2. We ended up taking her to Social Services which helped her get an apartment, we found her a job. But then my husband had had enough of her, and took her to a motel until she could get on her own feet. She ended up calling her brother and telling him that I threw her out, and he came up and got her . I haven't seen them since. She did call me about 3 years ago wanting money because she was on crack, but when I told her no she hung up on me. Later on my sister got leukemia and about died , then in Oct 06 she had a bone marrow transplant and has been cancer free since. But in July of 06 we had a benefit for her and I shaved my head for $127.00.That day I got pretty much drunk as I could get. The next day I woke up and said that until she was alright I wasn't going to drink anymore.I did have about 6 beers this year on Memorial Day but didn't miss drinking at all.There is so much I can say that has happened to me with the drinking problem, so if you want to hear it e-mail me at btwety58@aol.com.
 
October 25, 2007, 8:04 am CDT

Been There

Good Morning!  I was watching the show today on Policing Parents and I would like to extend a thought about this tpoic.  I too grew up with an alcoholic father.  As a little girl I didnt know that there was a problem because my mom was very good at sheltering my sisters and me from one.  It was normal for my dad to always have a beer in his hand, at home, in the car, anytime really.  It was normal for him to be asleep on our only couch by early evening.  To make it clear he was never abusive, in fact he was the greatest father.  He played with us all the time and was always the life of the party.  When I was 15 my mom made the decision to move out.  We moved to an apartment not far from our home.  Her hope was that it would be a shock to him and he would clean his life up.  Unfortunately that didnt happen and ultimately it led to a divorce.  My mother still lives with some form of regret for ending her marriage and not being there for him.  Even though she did all she could both physically and mentally.  I have two younger sisters who were 13 and 8 at the time we moved out so inevitably I had to step in the second parent role and help my mom out.  I am now 25 and married with my own child on the way.  It wasnt until 17 months ago did my dad quit drinking.  I am very proud of him for making that decision but it was a long road before he got there.  I was similar to Keryn on your show.  Because I am the oldest child I felt it my responsibility to try to control as much as I could.  That included taking care of my sisters, my mom, and lastly myself.  My dad got to the point where beer was no longer strong enough to induce a buzz, and tequila an oj was his breakfast of choice!  He bacame a "functional drunk".  He tried to hide it which I believe all people with a drinking problem do, and I honestly believe the thought he was.  The hardest thing I ever did was go to him one morning, it had to be morning because I wanted to catch him before he began drinking.  I told him how I felt about him, that I loved him and needed him in my life.  I needed him to be there to be a grandfather for when I did have a child.  I explained through my tears that if he didnt stop I couldnt be there to see it anymore.  Shortly after this talk he quit.  And hasnt touched a drop since then!  I am very proud of him for his decision to sober up. 

It was very hard for me to separate myself from my father and realize that he is who he is and I now had my own husband and family to worry about and take care of.  I know that Keryn is only 14 and her intelligence reminds me of me at her age.  She has grown up faster than her years state and I hope that she is able to enjoy what she has left of high school.  I never went through counceling or saught help.  I fought through it myself.  I hope that she is able to find someone to talk to, someone to let her guard down to, because that was the most helpful for me.  I love my father and it was hard to watch him destroy himself and always lie to me.  I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and was always let down.  I hope she comes to the realization that her father does love her just doesnt know how to behave in any other way.  She was an amazing guest and my heart goes out to her.  Life is probably going to get harder before easier, but she isnt alone and the fact that she already realizes the reality of the situation is amazing.  My heart goes out to her and he family and as someone that has been through a similar situation I will be thinking of them and praying for their strength!

 
October 25, 2007, 8:55 am CDT

10/25 Policing the Parents

Quote From: nukemgrl

I whole heartedly agree with what you've said.  Most alcoholics don't want to drink and don't want to have the urge to drink.  Granted, how they go about dealing with their urges and getting help is up to them, however, I got the feeling that Dr. Phil felt that this guy on the show could just turn off his craving for a drink.  It's not that easy.  As Dr. Phil has said many times on the show, some people are just wired differently.   Alcoholics feel shameful enough and don't need somebody to be condescending on national television.  It took a lot of guts for those guests to acknowledge their problem and seek help--they shouldn't be made to feel inferior for doing so.

Thank you for your support, particularly the part about shame. If a diabetic doesn't have insulin it wouldn't work to shame him or her for trying to self-medicate with sugar. This really is a DISEASE with biological causes, yet it always regarded as "flaws in character" or a mental or spiritual disorder. No question those develop in an effort to cope with  a screwy brain chemistry, but why not treat the person in all three ways and not just one or two? Thanks again for your remarks; maybe some producer who reads them will see our point and bring on guests  who will say what has sorely needed to be public knowledge for 50 plus years. Nutritionist know about Pyroluria, but Nutritional diseases have not been emphasiszed in traditional Allopathic medicine. I think it is a crime that an ailment that affects one out of ten people is not taught to traditional doctors. So I shout from the mountaintops of the Dr. Phil message board hoping someone somewhere will use this knowledge and get real help for a real disease.

 
October 25, 2007, 12:32 pm CDT

alcoholics

being an alcoholic myself it is easy to understand what this guy is saying. i have done many of the same things he has and have even drank the same type of beer that he has drunk. it is not easy to think that you can turn a switch and your clean. you will always have a craving. i've had 10 years sobriety and went back. i am now seperated and living alone. imagine the thoughts that go through your head at the lowest part of your life. it's not that we dont want to quit it's that it feels there are many factors working against you. imagine watching a football or baseball game without being bombarded with beer commercials for one example. i feel that things work against those who are truly challenged with this problem.
 
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