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Topic : 03/20 Policing the Parents

Number of Replies: 195
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Created on : Friday, October 19, 2007, 01:48:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/25/07) Should teens have to police a parent who is drug-addicted or just overall irresponsible? Robert, a father of two, has been in rehab six times in the past four years for an alcohol addiction. He says he drinks so often that his 14-year-old daughter, Keryn, pours out his beer daily, cleans up his bloody wounds after drunken falls and walks him home to prevent the police from arresting him! Robert's wife, Eileen, says she feels torn between protecting her children and loyalty to her husband. Will she stop enabling Robert's addiction, and will Robert get the wake-up call he desperately needs? Keryn has been her father's overseer for so long, is it too late to reverse their roles? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.


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October 25, 2007, 2:24 pm CDT

Policing the Parents

I would just like to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. I've not had a drink in 7 years but have been in recovery for 12 years. For the first 5 years I could only attain short periods of sobriety. When I had a slip people would baby me, even my sponser from AA. I did not take responsibility for my own actions. Thankfully my children were grown adults when my alcoholism went out of control and I was living on my own so they never had to "police me". Just over 7 years ago I was sitting in my living room, drunk, feeling sorry for myself and watching the 'Dr Phil show. I'm not sure what episode I was watching but I believe it was on anorexia and he was interviewing a women who was feeling sorry for herself. He said something to her that turned out to be a pivotal(sp?) point in my life. He said to her, "Lady, get on with living or get on with dying. But either way, get on with it. Something happened to me that day. I took responsibility for my own actions. I accepted who and what I was........an alcoholic, and I could not drink.

I'm not saying that it was easy but I received the kick in the butt that I needed. Once I accepted that I could not safely drink I have not looked back. I requested from my friends that they stop babying me and stop cleaning up my messes.

As hard as it may be that is what needs to be done with the 2 parents on todays show. These 2 will not accept responsibility as long as someone else is doing it for them. Cold, maybe, necessary, definitely. Dr. Phil has set up the best of help for these parents. Now it is up to them to do the rest.

I am eternally grateful for that statement Dr. Phil made on that show 7 years ago. Get on with living or get on with dying. Either way, get on with it...............I chose living!

DM in Canada

 
October 25, 2007, 2:29 pm CDT

Adult Children of Alcoholics

My goodness I wish you were around when I was mothering my alcoholic father.  My mother divorced him when I was five, and felt I had to fight my mother just so I could continue to mother my father.  He made me feel important and loved by tending to him, and only now do I see how I was absolutely brainwashed..devestated.

 

One time I was home with my husband and child, my father had fallen down in his apartment and severed an artery in his leg when he fell on a broken glass.  He called me sobbing how he did not want to die, I was there in a heartbeat, I chucked him into my car and raced him to a doctor.  The doctor told me to never again bring my father to his office in such a drunken state!

 

I attended alanon, and to me 'rock bottom' was always death.  I've since cut off contact with my father, it was affecting my time with my child.  Since I'm no longer any use to my father, he has let me go.  Alcoholics are the most selfish people, after six months of no contact he called me in a drunken stupor just a few days ago.  He was balling about how his mother had hurt his feelings because she is sufferering from...Altzheimers?  I replied how dare you make her disease a statment about your hurt feelings.  I'm sorry my Grandma suffers from this disease, and I'm sorry my father is a lush, but if I made your disease a statement about my feelings...I couldn't finish that thought,  He hung up on me!

 
October 25, 2007, 2:34 pm CDT

Dr. Phil Please Hear Ann's message

Quote From: tiger333

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

  I am again writing in regards to the fact that you have not ever spoken about or advised people to join Al-Anon or Alateen. I am more than frustrated by this because you could help untold numbers of people with the platform you have. I have been a grateful member of Al-Anon for 10 years and it saved my life as well as the lives of several people I love. I was lucky enough to find it through the family unit of a treatment facility. I KNOW that a great deal of what you say on most of your shows comes from Al-Anon so maybe that's why you are so reluctant to mention them!!! You should be ashamed of yourself for not posting such valuable information!!! Please stop trying to sell yourself and just help people by posting Al-Anon information. Al-Anon has been here for over 50 years and is accessible from almost everywhere in this country as well as the rest of the world. It is FREE and an invaluable resource to those affected by the FAMILY disease of alcoholism (or addiction) whether the person with the addiction is a spouse, child, parent, friend or other relative.

 

Since you refuse to post such info, I will:

 

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

1600 Corporate Landing Parkway

Virginia Beach, Va  23451-5617

 

Tel:  (757) 563-1600

Fax: (757) 563-1655

 

You can find a meeting in your town by going to www.al-anon.org 

 

The books and other reading materials are very affordable and completely invaluable!!!!

 

Dr. Phil,

If you would like to discuss any of this with me, I'm ready and waiting so how's that work for you?

 

Very sincerely,

Ann

 

 

 

 

Ann,

          I totally agree with you that Dr. Phil needs to use the oppertunity to share the free resourses out there for people like us. Alanon and Alateen has saved my life and my family is happier then we have ever been. I could not do this alone but Alanon is there to help me, always. My teens also have the help of Alateen. We today still with the alcholic in our lives but, have peace and serenity.  No one knows what you have been thru except others that have been there and have learned how to cope by using the Alanon tools. I already wrote on the message board a short message about Alanon but, thank you for addressing Dr. Phil straight forward.

 

Greatful Alanon Member

3 1/2 Years

 

Heather

 
October 25, 2007, 3:00 pm CDT

The Child Policng the Parent

I heard this man and I was so angry with the mother and the father!!!!!!!!! Iam so sick of alcoholics calling their CHOICE an illness I could just scream....... I lived with an alcoholic for many years also.  It was the worst thing in my life. I felt I could help him, I would give him a reason to live.  I would share my life, a life without alcohol. with him to show him how great it could be.  I went to AA anl Ala-non to support him.  That lead me to the Lord and Chrisianity.  And gave me the balls to kick that man to the CURB!!!!!!  He finally got the message and had to go to the rock bottom and pull his own ass out of the crap.  It took 2 years but he finally did it.  I was afraid but found my life so much better without him in it I felt a huge weight off my back.  He is back now but he also knows that I don't NEED him to live, that my life could and would go on without him.  I am giving him this chance and he has been sober since Jan. 
 
October 25, 2007, 3:02 pm CDT

I want to adopt the 14 year old daughter!

I can't believe this young lady's poise, intelligence, wisdom and words.  What an amazing young lady you are, Karen!  I am angrier than I can explain at what her parents have allowed her to endure but jubilant over her incredible common sense and intelligence.  I wish her (and her poor 17 year old sister) nothing but the best life has to offer - they deserve it.  And if either daughter ever wants a break from the life their parents have inflicted on them, I'd adopt them in a New York minute!  I would hope both parents begin to realize how special their girls are. 
 
October 25, 2007, 3:05 pm CDT

Alcoholism

I know the pain of being an alcoholics child, all too well.  Years of living with an alcoholic with a personality disorder left me debilitated with anxiety and depression, and quite a struggle of my own to cope with.  After his problems reached a head (my father), the police pressed charges and prevented him from seeing myself and my family for three years with a restraining order.  The time away from him has been a God send, and I've decided that my life is now all too sweet to return to that black hole of someone who sucks you down with him.

 

The best thing for that young girl is to get away from her father and be a kid.  I missed out on a lot of my childhood and so I do feel stunted in some ways, but feel soooo blessed to be away from such a destructive atmosphere.

 

Good work Dr Phil!

 
October 25, 2007, 3:20 pm CDT

Right on Dr. Phil

 I want to start off by saying that Dr. Phil handled the situation very well. Many of you may think I am foolish, but I read some of your responses, and I don't think you can judge Dr. Phil until you can see what he said right to the end of the show. As for some of you who said Dr, Phil you should have done this or done that, I think you would be underminding what he knows that he is doing. If you have ever been in this situation what would have you done? Do you think you could do a better job than what he did in offering the help that he did?
     I am not giving an excuse to what the mother did to her daughters or what the father did. Yes, it was the mother's fault for allowing her daughters to go through this situation, and not kicking her husband out when she should have. However, I believe she wanted to give him a chance, and she was also afraid for her life. Yes, she had the training to help people like her husband. In some situations, it is more difficult to handle because this is a close family member or it is your spouse. So what did she do? She went into denial, and as you can see Dr. Phil spoke to her directly. He told her what she did wrong, and how it is. She needed to hear the truth, and I don't think any of us could have said it better than the way he did. As for the daughter, Dr. Phil did what he could have done. I am sure the card that Dr. Phil handed to the mother involved help for her mother and daughter. This help was probably held confidential to protect them both from the drunken husband, and from others who may try to harm the mother and daughter.
     As for the drunken father, I am so glad Dr. Phil did what he did. He wanted to give the drunken father another chance, and to directly remove him from the home so that the mother and daughters could live in peace. The father was so drunk that he had no idea what do to or how to cope, and that is why he was committing suicide. He was so far gone that I don't even think the family could help the drunken father. You heard what the daughter said, Dr. Phil you are my last hope. Yes, the daughter should have not gone through this, and she didn't have to. However, I believe she loved her father so much that she was willing to put herself in harm's way. There is no way she should have to do that, and the mother knew she was wrong with that. That is why she brought her husband to Dr. Phil, and Dr. Phil did a great job handling the situation especially talking to the daughter alone without the parents around. And you know what happened.
      On one final note, drunks sometimes can't be helped even by other rehabs, so they need to go to a very strick form of a rehab such as the one Dr. Phil sent Robert to. My wife and I were houseparents for a local ministry, which we stepped down from just recently. There was one point where the boys (who are between 17 and 18 years old) were drinking every night.  The director said we could not do anything about it until we absolutely saw them drink in front of us. My wife and I would go through their side of the house that we lived in, and find lots of beer cans both in the cupboard, behind the couch, and in the closet in the lounge area. We even found empty beer cans in their bedrooms and on the front porch. We talked to the director about it, but he told us that he or my wife and I could do nothing about it until we catch them drinking. His philosophy was that someone was just bringing the empty cans there, and dumping them there. He would not do anything about it until he actually saw them drinking. Meanwhile, we told him we could smell the booze on their breath. There was another time, when we were looking through the cupboards, and we found a whole 40oz bottle of malt liquor. My wife and I conscficated it, and called the director to tell him what we found. Two minutes later, we could hear cupboard doors slam, and one of the kids yell, John, you better not f***** taken that (yelled by the 17 year old), and we knew we had to leave the house, and take it to the director. We left the house, and he was running after us after we drove off. An hour later, we got back, and they had sprayed something in the house that made us choke. Now, you tell me that my wife and I could do something about it until the director does something about it, and he would never do anything to take care of this drinking (which was against the rules of the home). We couldn't  because the kids wouldn't listen to us, and the director never took care of ths situations because he was afraid of losing these kids. And most of all, we were afraid what the kids might do to us especially after these kids were on probation.

Let me ask you all this question, what if the mother and daughters were afraid for their lives? What if he killed them in one of his drunk times?

Sincerely,
John
 
October 25, 2007, 3:21 pm CDT

10/25 Policing the Parents

We have dealt with this same situation for over 25 year.  This past sping our son-in-law passed away due the this same problem.  We also have a son that is heading in that direction.  Thank heavens our son is not married and no children.  But our daughter has three children the youngest being 16.  It wasa great struggle for all of them.  This disease is a terrible one and if the person will not help them selves you can't do it for them.  Which leaves us broken hearted.  This family is lucky that they received your help. Wish we could have gotten our family that sort of help, but in reality the insurance and the almighty $$$ plays a big part for a family that is just existing.  My daughter holds  a full time job and three paper routes just to survive.  God bless you for helping this family.   Derla
 
October 25, 2007, 3:23 pm CDT

More information needed

Quote From: criscross

I heard this man and I was so angry with the mother and the father!!!!!!!!! Iam so sick of alcoholics calling their CHOICE an illness I could just scream....... I lived with an alcoholic for many years also.  It was the worst thing in my life. I felt I could help him, I would give him a reason to live.  I would share my life, a life without alcohol. with him to show him how great it could be.  I went to AA anl Ala-non to support him.  That lead me to the Lord and Chrisianity.  And gave me the balls to kick that man to the CURB!!!!!!  He finally got the message and had to go to the rock bottom and pull his own ass out of the crap.  It took 2 years but he finally did it.  I was afraid but found my life so much better without him in it I felt a huge weight off my back.  He is back now but he also knows that I don't NEED him to live, that my life could and would go on without him.  I am giving him this chance and he has been sober since Jan. 

I'm sorry that you had to experience the hardships of dealing with an alcoholic, however, with a little research you will see that most alcoholics want to stop and most are ashamed of their actions and their alcoholism but are unable to do so without a lot of help.  Your instance may be different and the alcoholic you dealt with may not have wanted to seek help but in my dealings with alcoholics, it's like a moth to a flame.  They know it's bad, they don't necessarily like the taste but something inside them is not wired correctly to stop them.  With help such as counseling and AA, they can learn how to deal with the cravings and urges.  You wouldn't tell someone with Tourette's or OCD to just suck it up and knock it off, would you?

 
October 25, 2007, 3:25 pm CDT

Al-Anon

Quote From: simplelife

I would just like to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. I've not had a drink in 7 years but have been in recovery for 12 years. For the first 5 years I could only attain short periods of sobriety. When I had a slip people would baby me, even my sponser from AA. I did not take responsibility for my own actions. Thankfully my children were grown adults when my alcoholism went out of control and I was living on my own so they never had to "police me". Just over 7 years ago I was sitting in my living room, drunk, feeling sorry for myself and watching the 'Dr Phil show. I'm not sure what episode I was watching but I believe it was on anorexia and he was interviewing a women who was feeling sorry for herself. He said something to her that turned out to be a pivotal(sp?) point in my life. He said to her, "Lady, get on with living or get on with dying. But either way, get on with it. Something happened to me that day. I took responsibility for my own actions. I accepted who and what I was........an alcoholic, and I could not drink.

I'm not saying that it was easy but I received the kick in the butt that I needed. Once I accepted that I could not safely drink I have not looked back. I requested from my friends that they stop babying me and stop cleaning up my messes.

As hard as it may be that is what needs to be done with the 2 parents on todays show. These 2 will not accept responsibility as long as someone else is doing it for them. Cold, maybe, necessary, definitely. Dr. Phil has set up the best of help for these parents. Now it is up to them to do the rest.

I am eternally grateful for that statement Dr. Phil made on that show 7 years ago. Get on with living or get on with dying. Either way, get on with it...............I chose living!

DM in Canada

I'm not opposed to the great and wonderful that Al-Anon does every day.  I am curious, though, and hope you can answer this--isn't "anon" adapted from the name of it's senior partner organization, Alcoholics Anonymous?AA has strict rules about the use of their name anywhere, and their general rule on this topic explains that they cannot allow anyone to give even the appearance of an endorsement.  Don't those same guidelines apply to Al-Anon?

(AL = short for "alcohol"      ANON = short for "anonymous"

 

I guess that means if Dr. Phil plugs their organization on television, somebody's gonna catch hell, right?  I also don't believe that Dr. Phil would take credit for someone else's work.  If he did that, however would he find expert representatives to be on his show.  And when his experts do appear on the show, I've never heard him fail to say to them, "Thank you for being here today.  WEreally appreciate it."  If he was a narcissist or some other high profile kind of idiot, he wouldn't be using the pronoun "WE" because it would imply he was promoting himself. He doesn't say, "I thank you" very often, or maybe he doesn't .  Anyway, it's just a thought.

 

 

Rita

rdavis11@suddenlink.net

Arkansas

 

 
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