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Topic : 06/09 Devastating Divorce

Number of Replies: 216
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, October 19, 2007, 01:52:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Original Air Date: 10/26/07) What do you do when you’re desperate to hold onto your marriage but your spouse wants out? Dr. Phil’s guest, Danny Bonaduce, became famous as a child star but is now infamous for his very public bad behavior -- loud outbursts, drug addiction and cheating on his wife of 17 years. When Danny last spoke with Dr. Phil, his marriage was on the rocks, but he was learning to live sober and inspire his wife, Gretchen, to trust him again. Now, a year has gone by, and Gretchen has filed for divorce. Danny says Gretchen is the love of his life, and he doesn’t want their marriage to end. But is it too late? Dr. Phil meets with Gretchen separately to find out if there’s still a sliver of hope for them to hold onto. After hearing from Dr. Phil and seeing clips of Danny's conversation, will Gretchen give their relationship another shot? Talk about the show here.


Find out what happened on the show.


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October 26, 2007, 2:07 pm CDT

Dan B. & marriage issues

 You both show alot of healthy discussions- divorce is not the answer.

 

Move away from the "temtation" just like your moving away from alcholism.

Work very hard on restoration not invalidation.

Dr.Phil know just what to do and he can achieve this restoring of a great marriage.

 

forgiveness and healing will make a good marriage great!!!

 
October 26, 2007, 2:09 pm CDT

So i failed divorce readiness test but divorce was 7 years ago

I guess it it good that I finally have hit frustration.  He left me and did go to a younger woman he had made friends with at work and married her.  We did no work on our relationship at all and have minimal relationship now over our 3 children.  He did not like me, like how we lived or how I parented so there was nothing to base a relationship on.  Now, I don't like him either.

I need to do the work to end my sadness and hurt and really move on, not just go through the motions.

Dr. Phil, where do the left's go to do the work alone?

 

 
October 26, 2007, 2:09 pm CDT

poor danny

Quote From: grins4all

I am recovered alcoholic of 5 years.  I have been watching Danny struggle with his demons for quite a while now.  Today I am hearing EXACTLY the same things he's been saying over and over and over again.  He's still not focusing on himself and fixing what needs to be fixed with Danny FIRST. 

 

They say not to rush in to or out of a relationship the first year of sobriety.  He is saying he will marry someone else tomorrow if his wife doesn't come back to him.  There's a saying  about that.  Who do you dislike so much you would wish yourself on them right now.

 

I don't hear any kind of program working for him coming from what he is saying.  I hear emotional black mail and someone that is still self obsessed and still saying I will drink and do this or that if I don't get MY way.

 

Danny FIRST needs to get serious about sobriety.  He's not.  He's still tying to con everyone in to believing that he's changed instead of actually doing the real work and CHANGING.  The ONLY person Danny is fooling is Danny.

 

His wife should go to Alanon and in NO WAY go back to him.  His problems are not about the marriage his problems are about HIM.

 

He needs to go to meetings, REALLY work the steps with a sponsor, and focus on HIS SOBRIETY for the next year and nothing else.

 

I also believe that whomever he marries instead is going to be just as sorry.  Because Danny is trying to put a bandaid on a bursting dam.

 

Hey, it takes what it takes and if he really is serious about what he SAYS then he better take ACTION. 

 

Danny, stop making all of this about everyone and everything else except YOU.  Why should anyone love someone who can't learn to love themself.  LEARN TO LOVE YOURSLEF AND LOSE THE EXCUSES AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET SOBER !!FIRST!!!

 

Sobriety doesn't take 28 days, 6 months or even a year sometimes.  Sobriety isn't about just not drinking or doing drugs.  It's about CHANGE, changing the way you respond to life instead of react.  It's about working thru everything that needs to be fixed in YOU, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  This is not going to happen over night.  You need to surrender to your reality.  This is a lifetime job now. 

 

When I finally accepted that I have no power over a disease I had to learn where that power is.  The 12 steps helped me do that.  Making amends is not about EXPECTING forgivness.  This is about fixing YOU.  Stop trying to control everything and let go and give this to a power greater than yourself

I agree w/ you. Danny needs to realize that he is his own foundation .
 
October 26, 2007, 2:10 pm CDT

Disapointed in Dr. Phil

I cannot believe how Dr. Phil did not take the opportunity to tell Danny how when you go on to 2nd and 3rd marriages the chances of its success is less . When Danny claimed he was ready to enter a new marriage days after his divorce, Dr. Phil should of warned Danny not to remarry until he's done the work to cleanse his heart and comes to terms with the end of his first marriage. Obviously Gretchen has reached the right place in her life/heart and is ready to go on. It will be so unfair for him to marry someone without first doing the work on putting closure to his first marriage. I hope if Dr Phil is the friend he claimed to be of Dannys off screen, he should tell him he needs some counseling before he blindly jumps into a 2nd marriage for the sake of just being married. Danny will be bringing in a hugh amount of baggage into any  new marriage and needs help on managing it.
 
October 26, 2007, 2:26 pm CDT

dear mr bonaduce

i really identified with you when you said you were born to be a husband. throughout my entire life i wanted nothing more than to be a mother and a wife. no matter how much i loved my husband, the marriage was doomed for failure from the begining. i had absolutely no idea how to be in  healthy marriage. listen man, you have the opportunity of a life time in front of you. you're not a bad guy, you just lack the essential information, practice, and history to know how to be a healthy husband in a healthy marriage. like i said, you have the opportunity of a lietime to learn how to do it. dr. phil is offering free counceling? you tried it your way for a year and it didn't work. how about trying the big book way for a year? what is another year out of your life if it could make the difference between you wantig to be a good husband and you being able to be  good husband? i hope you don't give up before the miracle happens. if it could happen to me, it can happen to you.
 
October 26, 2007, 2:34 pm CDT

What's good for the goose..

Quote From: kec132

I'm with you on this -- Danny is scarily immature and obnoxious - he even thinks he gets to tell her dates the rules for dating her??  He needs to get over himself - the rest of us have!
Why can't he make up rules? She seems to think she deserves the right to pick HIS dates. Guess what, Gretchen. You have NO input to who he dates/marries and has around the children.
 
October 26, 2007, 2:45 pm CDT

Danny's selfish

Danny spends more time talking about wanting Gretchen back than about really loving her.  He rarely mentioned his kids.  Every time Dr Phil brought up the subject of resolving emotional relationship, all Danny heard was "make up and get back together".  What a dunce!
 
October 26, 2007, 2:49 pm CDT

IMO

I watched both seasons of their show like many people did. Was I the only one that got angry when she told him no strip club but had strippers in her hotel room? Knowing how jealous he is, wasn't that pushing it? And then, to act shocked when he went way over the top with his reaction? Really? I am not a huge fan of his but am sick of him getting the whole rap for this. This is why you don't marry someone on the first date. It's practically a miracle that it lasted this long. But, as Gretchen basically admitted, it was over and she was done for the last few years. Then, why do the VH1 show? To try and make an ass out of him and place herself on the pedestal you feel entitled to? They both have many issues, his are just more explosive and public than hers. I called this one back when they were doing the show on VH1. Any woman that can say that she doesn't care if she ever has sex again-she can take it or leave it-when she's living with a sex addict? She was gone then. Their daughter seemed like a very sweet girl and Gretchen will be forever walking a thin line. That little girl loves her daddy and any negativity from mom will drive a wedge between her and her daughter forever. Tread lightly! As I said in the title, this is in my opinion. I know there are many who disagree. But I just wanted to state my feelings.
 
October 26, 2007, 2:58 pm CDT

One Day at a Time

Quote From: directedbyhp

Danny put your big boy pants on and grow up.

 

Double your meetings and call your sponsor everyday

 

and hug those kids and give them all that attention you're

 

giving those women. They need you more then ever right

 

now and you are only thinking about how lonely you are,

 

what about how lonely they are. There family is divorced.

 

By the way show the positve side on how the AA works

 

spread the message not the mess.

.

 

Danny

If you are a member of AA, then you are NOT taking the advise of your sponsor !! 

If you are going to meetings, go to more of them, read the Big Book and follow the steps of the program.

You are putting up a front and it is clear that your are hurting inside.  TALK TO YOUR SPONSOR!!!!! Every hour, if necessary.  You have to be as willing to stay clean and sober as you were willing to get your next  drink or fix.  Your sobriety DOES NOT depend on your wife or kids.  It DEPENDS ON YOU! !!!

Change your attitude that was seen on Dr. Phil today, 10/26/07.  Cocky, know it all bravado that I do not believe for a minute is the REAL YOU!!!!!

You will listen to your sponsor when he tells you NO RELATIONSHIPS FOR 1 YEAR.  You said today that you would be married within weeks of this divorce being final.  SHAME ON YOU.  You will have the same results you have had before.  You can NOT control  what Gretchen does and she should NOT be picking out a girlfriend for you.  She needs to go to AL-ANON.  She could learn a lot from the friends and families of alcholics.  Did you know that you can love someone and not be able to be married to them or live with them????  You can.  GOD will let you know when it is time for a relationship, not your ex-wife to be.

You are a great example of self will run riot.  You want what you want and if you got it you would not know what to do with it.  You can not control another person, you can only control you.

Please take a long hard look at what you are doing to yourself and your family.  Do this for you and not for them.  You and Gretchen have to learn to parent these beautiful kids WITHOUT telling each other what to do in each others life.

I am not speaking out without experience.  I have been sober 31 years and had to work every day to keep my sobriety.

Please, Danny, get help for yourself and stop worrying about what you CAN NOT have.

Good luck in your continued recovery.

 
October 26, 2007, 2:58 pm CDT

to danny

Hey keep up faith in yourself, if you are like the person you showed on Dr.Phil you are very special. If you think that you were made to be someone's husband, next time try to be faithful to her and yourself. There is too many things out there to be cheating. Drinking is not the way to make dreams happen. Good luck!
 
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