Quote From: lighthouseguyI realized after posting my previous message that some might wonder what I would do since I noted my intense anger towards all of the adults in this situation. I won't pretend to give a clearcut answer as I have never been in this situation and can only
guess what I would do based upon my personality and moral convictions.
I would like to believe that I would do the following:1) I would continue paying the support and, if the law allows, with specific payments made for the child's direct well-being and not leave it up to the already unreliable and dishonest mom. If that can't be arranged, I'd probably pay regardless. My thinking is this. . . If I had already raised this child as my own for so long, I have NOTHING to gain by cutting myself off from her and EVERYTHING to lose. Not paying child support for a child that is not "biologically" mine could never offset the emotional hurt I would inflict on an innocent child by pushing her aside and invalidating my relationship with her. I, personally, could just never do that to a child. I see nothing to be gained there other than breaking the heart and spirit of a child in order be "right" and save money. Neither reason holds much weight to me when compared to the damage it would have on a child to just walk away.
2) I do believe it is necessary for the truth to come out. I don't believe in living a life of lies. It isn't a question of not letting the mother "get away" with something and it wouldn't be a question of me just feeling better with the truth out in the open even though I have to admit that I, would personally need that, it is more about the child knowing the truth. Children have rights to in all this and every child has a right to know who his or her father REALLY is and who had played the role in the absence of the real one.
There are all sorts of appropriate ways to reveal that truth. Throwing it out on a trip to the park and then dumping the kid at home later is probably not the path I would take or the path I would recommend to anyone. I think under the guidance of a professional counselor, or family minister, or by the parents who come to an agreement on the safest, kindest and most effective way to reveal this ugly truth the child will benefit in the end even though the initial blow will be very hard. I very firmly believe that love does conquer all and that even this kind of ugly truth can have benefits it is revealed with love and support for the child. In fact, it can be the basis for the healing process for all concerned and it might even strengthen the family bonds. I know that I would probably be thrilled that a man not really my father thought enough to raise me as his own and continue to love and support me in spite of the ugly truth that I was the result of an affair.
It is important to note that this can also be done without demonizing the mother in this situation. I grant you that I would probably hate this woman for doing what she did, but I would fight like all hell to not hurt the child because of that. The problem in this case is that the mother has been effectively let off the hook here and took NO responsibility here whatsoever which lead to so much unnecessary anger for which her children suffered greatly. I would expect her to own up to what she did and the reality is is that her children can benefit and learn from her mistake. It is not about brow beating her and being right. Our children can sometimes learn best from when we adults mess up, but we HAVE to own up to our mistakes for that to happen. I saw little movement this way by the mother, Maria, in this story who took the most elongated path to admitting to the affair, but then wants everyone to believe that she couldn't imagine she got pregnant form it. Is it really so hard to own up to a stupid action? It's not like the truth isn't out already.
Well, this is just my view of things and I'm willing to certainly admit that this is how I would LIKE to handle the situation. I'm well aware that the extreme hurt involved in all this can easily blind anyone to the best path to choose. All I can say is focus on what is best for the kids and leave personal agendas out of it.
As a school counselor I need to tell you that you are the type of parent who makes the difference. Children grow up fast. They are in our lives way past the time we pay child support. By continuing as parent to a child with whom you have bonded, both you as parent and the child gain life-long benefits, and one day that child's love will equal far more than any of the child support and emotional problems that occurred during the growing years. I have much admiration for your view-point.
(Original Air Date: 10/29/07) Fraud. lies. conspiracy. They may sound like the latest Washington scandal, but these are allegations of exes at war over child support. Dr. Phil's guests claim they became victims of the perfect crime when they were led to believe they fathered a child that was not biologically their own and were forced to pay. First up, Enrique says he was shocked and angered to discover he was not the father of his youngest daughter, Selina, and that she was conceived during his ex-wife, Maria's, adulterous affair. Maria says he raised Selina but then abandoned her to save money. Why does Maria say Enrique's current wife is to blame for the fractured relationship? Next, 13-year-old Selina speaks one on one with Dr. Phil. Will she decide to let the man she once called Daddy back in her life? Then, Carnell Smith, who uses the online moniker, "Man4Justice," suffered a similar fate to Enrique, and but he fought and won. He says he's tired of seeing women trap men and get away with it. A heated debate ensues between him and feminist attorney, Gloria Allred, who argues that men like Enrique should continue to act as the father ... and continue paying! Talk about the show here.
