Topic : 12/25 Parent Trap

I do understand than fathers who leave their pregnant girlfriend/ wife are a big problem!!!

... but the cases in this show sounded as men's punishment. The problem is that the wrong people are being punished here! Those guys who really stand up for their family and children (even if they are lied to) are being tricked and punished. They do not deserve it! They should be applauded and taken care of when they eventually find out the truth!

The woman who lies to trap them, they should be punished here. Sad, that the "case is too old" after 2 years. I do agree, that children shouldn't suffer. But that's a little detail: how you tell them the truth if you do, and hog you treat them.

The big problem is: what happens to the "father" who gave all his love, energy and money to a child that is not even his!!?!? What happens to the mother, who is a cheater, lier, and just playing on the fact that she can "decide" who the father is, and eventually who should provide security to her child?!? Shame on every woman who does that!

This topic hits close to home for a number of reasons. My boyfriend was a victim of paternity fraud. The girl he was dealing with at the time swore the child was his to the point of going to his parents house and telling them there was no one else. Every other weekend he drove 3 states to see his child and NEVER skipped on his financial obligations to the child. She didn't have much in the beginning so she made sure to get as much help as she could from him to compensate for her lack of financial and physical support. She took him out for child support when she didn't get cash from him one weekend instead of going to an account they set up for his protection. When she filled out the paperwork for child support she lied under oath stating he was the only person she was with within 60 days of conception. I always knew the child wasn't his and I told him I would not marry him unless he took a test. FINALLY about a month shy of the child's 2nd birthday he took the test and the results were negative. Instead of the girl feeling bad she apologized to him said she was doing it all alone anyway, and later said that he didn't deserve any respect because of their past. What about his family and friends? They didn't sleep with her did they deserve it? They loved that child and did more for him then her family ever did.  My point to all of this: she had ample times to say the child may not be his and she choose not to. They were not in a relationship so she was asked several times. She lied under oath more than once. Regardless of who she thought the child's father was there was someone else. It isn't fair to play "process of elimination" with another persons money or life. If you get pregnant you should do everything you can to take care of your child. If there is more than one person that is a father candidate then they should all know. If you were woman enough to lay down be woman enough to admit there may be someone else. Don't "select" someone based on your personal thoughts of who had more of a chance. It only takes one time. My boyfriend was wrong for dealing with her in the first place with no protection because she was not someone he cared for. Regardless of what their past was, he didn't deserve her deceit. These type of women abuse the law and men who want to be a part of their child's life. Not only should they have to financially compensate the men they lied to, but they should be required to tell the biological father they have a child. It is only fair that the other man knows they have a child walking the earth and opt to be a part of their life.     This hits home today because my boyfriend and I were looking at our financial situation and the effects of raising an illegitimate child. I am glad we found out now instead of 10 years later but it still has an effect on our relationship because we could have been married and focusing on having children of our own. He passed up job opportunities in other states because he wanted to be close to the child. He wouldn't change jobs because it was stable and he wanted to keep the vacation time in case the child needed him. All the time he hated being attached to someone he despised and that took a toll on him during the two years he dealt with her. My boyfriend was the best thing to happen to the child because his mother is emotionally unstable and at one point was financially unstable at times but it was not his situation to fix. It was her responsibility to care for her son and she put it on someone else's shoulders and she feels no remorse. What she did effected SO many people and she has only apologized to one. I thought she was half decent person (not a mother or "baby mother) because I reached out to her to get to know her as a person and not the mother of my boyfriend's child. Now I feel stupid for even taking that step. Everything she is and was is a lie and I fell for it. She is walking the earth like nothing ever happened with no financial repercussions or sense of guilt and to me that is unfair. I am glad we were able to bounce back from the ordeal financially and we are now building the future we deserve but we could have been there a lot sooner if we didn't have to deal with the burden of someone else's child.   In the end I feel the worst for the child. He is such a sweet baby and I am concerned about him being around someone like her for the rest of his life. The only man he knew as his father was taken from him and there is no intention of locating the actual father until the child is older. In the end God takes care of babies and fools and in this case he has his hands full dealing with her.     

I disagree greatly with that. Although I think you are right the biological father should be found and should be the one responsible to pay the child support, Selina's mother did in no way reuin Selina's relationship with her dad. He is the one who chose to not see her. He still came and picked up Selian's sister but left Selina. In no way did her mother ruin the relationship. Her father started dating someone who decided by herself that Selina couldn't be the father and decided to have him take a DNA test. Although he may not be the biological father I feel after 10 years of their great relationship he was a complete and total jerk to just throw her asside like that.

 

I know Selina well, and I knew her before she was ten as well as after. I remember how much she cared for and admired her father. I know how hard this was on her, being another thing I agree with above is that no one understands the devistation this leaves on her. She grew up awfully fast when this happend, but she still had trouble realizing it wasn't her fault. Also as well as knowing Selina I knew her mother, which makes it harder to read the awful things people are writing about her, because she is a great person who made a mistake, but still wants the best for her daughters.

 

Sorry, just my little two sence. I couldn't read all these comments without responding.

Maria just made a mistake?  Maria's forcing Enrique to pay money every month for a child that's not his, against his will!!!  She lived with the bio dad for a couple of years, while receiving free childcare from his parents and money from Enrique.  Lied to her own daughter about health history.  If she’ll lie about something so important as Selina’s health history to the doctor, she’ll lie about anything.  And she's a good person?  Are you kidding me? Did you not hear Maria say Enrique is NOT a victim in this situation?  If he's not a victim?  What then? Maria just made a mistake?  Let me say it again, Maria's forcing Enrique to pay money every month for a child that's not his.

Enrique wants to have a relationship with Selina!!!  What part of that did you not get? Why does he have to be under court order?  Maybe if Maria stopped suing Enrique in court for more money, he might have a better response to Selina.  Maybe instead of filing for bankruptcy, Maria should stop stealing money from other people and live within her means……just an idea!

Oh and FYI, usually when someone makes a mistake they say sorry and do what they can to fix it.  When Maria pays for her own child maybe then we let her off the hook a bit, but for now she’s just another criminal hiding behind a child.  Maria is extremely pathetic, my dear!

With friends like Maria you don’t need any enemies!!!  I feel sorry for you!!!

Her mother shouldn't have demanded that Enrique continue to pay FULL child support to her with no visitation!!

 

I'm sorry but your friend Maria is a hot mess and, frankly, that says a lot about you too.  Just so you know.

Selina grew up really fast when her mother lied!!! Maria is thief and lier!!! Nothing more than that. Don't try to make it ok because she's using the child to collect a pay check. Paternity Fraud is a huge issue in this country and our children pay the price. As far as I'm concerned I have no respect for someone who would stick up for a lier and cheat like Maria who puts the child in the middle! She's the ONLY one responsible for this entire mess. It's an injustice to women who actually want to be honest and productive....LOOK UP THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF LIEING TO CHILDREN. Also, what happens in a health emergency and no one knows Selina's history. What happens when Selina has children of her own? They continue on the lies of Maria. I, like the majority of people think Maria should be in JAIL! Maria needs help badly!!! Anyone one could do something this low to a child and lie for years and years - all the while laughing all the way to the bank at the expense of a child is sick in my book!!!

 Father's Rights: Courts Rule that Fathers Must Still Pay Support Despite Genetics

By SASHA BROWN-WORSHAM

    For 12 years, Dr. Enrique Terrazas thought he had two daughters. He loved them both, bought them gifts for their birthdays and Christmas and raised them with the belief that their lineage was tied to his own — until he found out that it was not.  

His older daughter was his biological child. But his younger child, just 10, was not. She was the product of an extra-marital affair that his wife had just prior to filing for divorce when the girls were two and a few months old. “I did suspect during our marriage that she was getting too friendly with one of her friends, but she told me nothing was happening and I thought she was being honest with me,” Terrazas says. In other words, he trusted her.  

It was precisely that trust that has Terrazas in his current situation: paying $3,000 a month to a child he knows not to be is, but whom he raised as his own and with whom he no longer has regular visitation. The case has left Terrazas “devastated.” And when he made the decision to tell his daughter that she was not his biological child, she was also distraught. “She needed to know,” Terrazas explains.
 
As a medical doctor, he is well aware that the implications of genetics are far-reaching, he says telling the story of a 6-year-old boy who was on a fishing trip with the man he thought to be his father. When the boy snagged himself on a rusty fishing hook, the father brought his son to the hospital where he told the doctors that there was no history of antibiotic allergies in his family history. The boy went into anaphylactic shock and died. Later, his ex-wife admitted that he was not the father and the real father had a severe antibiotic allergy. Luckily, nothing so tragic had happened to Terrazas, but still thought the truth needed to be told.  “I had been giving her pediatrician the wrong family history all this time,” he says.   

Soon after he told the truth, Terrazas ceased contact with his non-biological daughter — a decision he regrets to this day. “I had this need to get some justice out of the situation,” he says. “But basically, there was none. Now I just want to direct my energy to repairing the relationship with the girls and to improving the system.”

As painful as Terrazas’ situation is, he is far from alone. Recent cases like the Anna Nicole Smith, Larry Birkhead, Howard Stern situation have highlighted the issue of paternity fraud—naming the wrong man as father to a child--and brought it into the media spotlight.  But the problem is not a new one. An estimated one million men in the United States alone have been in similar situations, according to Carnell Smith, who runs a DNA-testing company and is founder of Atlanta-based US Citizens Against Paternity Fraud (http://paternityfraud.com/).   

Smith’s own mission started when he found out the daughter he had been raising — and supporting — as his own, was not. “I supported who I thought was my daughter for 11 years. I went to her school functions. I was a very involved parent,” Smith says. “My father told me that if I helped bring a child into this world, I was to help take care of them. I believed that.”  

But what if he did not help bring that child into the world? What if the biological father was far away, unaware that his daughter was being supported by another man? These were the questions Smith asked himself when he found out the truth via paternity test, something Smith was inspired to do after his ex requested — and was granted — a child support increase quadrupling his original amount from $375 per month to $1,100. “After I did the first test, I contacted my attorney,” Smith says. “There was no way she couldn’t have known the truth.”  

According to Smith, once pressed, his ex was able to name the biological father of her daughter within seconds. At first, Smith assumed his obligation of support would end. But he was wrong. “Had I been excused of murder or rape by DNA, the facts would have exonerated me,” he says. “But in paternity, I still had to pay.”  

And pay he did. Even when he stopped visitation. Even when he took it to court. By this time, Smith and his new wife had a newborn daughter and the stress was causing his wife to “not eat or sleep,” says Smith. “At that point, all I wanted to do was protect my family. It brought out this warrior spirit.”
At the time, Smith, who advocates for paternity tests for all children at birth, was unable to end his support obligation because he had long since passed the statute of limitations to contest paternity, which varies by state. “If we did paternity tests at birth, we would know all the facts right away,” says Smith, who explains that out of 45 accredited paternity testing sites nationwide, 310,000 paternity tests are done a year.   

Each year 100,000 of those come back negative, Smith says. The American Association of Blood Banks supports that claim with a figure of 27 percent, but they also point out that figure is not directly related to paternity fraud cases and, in many cases, might indicate one child with several potential fathers who came in for testing. Still, the number is high. And there is a time limit to finding the truth once a father is named whether he has been tested or not, says Smith who claims he had no reason to suspect that his ex was anything but truthful.   

Smith points out that a mother may file for child support up until a child is 18 or older and they are eligible for all of the back support for the years the father was not supporting the child, a fact that Smith says is an unfair double standard.  He was furious that his ex could lie, name him and get away with it while he pays the price for trusting her. “She took advantage of my desire to do the right thing,” he says.   

Arthur Caplan, a professor of bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania would disagree with the men crying foul. “Out in the big bad world of sex, there is some conniving,” Caplan says. “People do this all the time. They lie, they cheat, and they connive. But once you are in that role, the role of parent, you are sunk.”  

But, in this case, being “sunk” may not be the worst thing, Caplan says, arguing that acting as a father for years and thinking of oneself as the father makes one the father. “It brings us into the question of what is the role of the parent?  Is it a social role or a biological one?”  

The answer, in Caplan’s opinion is clear: “I think the ethical thing to do is shut up and be the dad,” he says. Caplan also points out that court is not interested in a he said, she said dialogue. They are interested in the child being supported.  “From society’s point of view, do we want to pick up the tab for these children?” Caplan asks. “It is not in the kid’s — or society’s — best interest to leave children fatherless.”

Caplan’s best estimate is that roughly four to five percent of men, “even as high as 10 percent in some parts of the world,” are raising children that are not theirs, he says, citing numerous genetic studies. For him, the simple fact is that a father is the one raising the child, not necessarily the one whose DNA matches. But for Terrazas, that DNA was very important. And the loss and the pain that followed such deceptions hurts more people than just the alleged father and children.  It also hurts their new families.   

For Smith, activism helped.  He was able to rewrite legislation in the Georgia courts so that finally — after several years — he was able to stop paying support, but not before losing more than $160,000 in support and legal fees. And perhaps worst of all, Smith has lost his former daughter completely. “I have not seen her since April 16, 2000,” Smith says. “But my family and I love her and we are always open to her,” he says.  

Terrazas’ relationships with both of the girls have been affected by the truth. His biological daughter feels caught in the middle, he says. And he is still paying 30 percent of his salary to the both girls, a fact that has greatly affected his new family.  “He did go to court and try to get his support lowered,” says Mia Terrazas, Dr. Terrazas’ wife and the one who first pointed out that she suspected his younger daughter was not his.
 
But in California, an order of support is a formula, one that takes into account the earnings — and potential earnings — of each former spouse. They do not take into account biological children living with either parent, says Mia. And the couple would not be able to have biological children of their own because the child support payments would make them impossible to afford, she says.

“We need to have reform in family courts,” says Mia who went through her own very amicable divorce. “We never went through the courts once our divorce was final.”  But seeing what her husband has gone through has made Mia fierce. “I have been doing a lot of work to get the laws changed. To lie to your child about who fathered them is wrong. And it should be illegal.”

 
Sasha Brown-Worsham is a freelance writer in Boston, Mass. who has written for the Boston Globe, Christian Science Monitor, Technology Review, Babble.com and many other publications. Sasha Brown-Worsham is a freelance writer in Boston, Mass. who has written for the Boston Globe, Christian Science Monitor, Technology Review, Babble.com and many other publications.

I know this woman, she was the assistant campus director for my Master's program.  She's just a generally unpleasant person and having had contact with her on a professional level I know how she treats people.  It doesn't surprise me that she would do something like this.  With as poorly as she treated students and coworkers, I can see that she would treat people in her personal life even worse. 

 

I believe she is a user and thoroughly unable to accept responsibility for her own actions and her role in this.  She cheated on her husband, got pregnant and lied to him for 10+ years.  She is the only person responsible for this horrible situation.  The father has every right to be angry with her, she committed fraud.  I don't understand how she could possibly blame her ex-husband or his new wife for this.  This is the result of her bad actions coming back to haunt her. 

 

I will say that I feel very bad for their daughter.  I say their daughter because he is the only father the child has ever known and she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly because of her mother's bad behavior.  I would hope that the father feels some love and attachment to the girl even after he found out that she is not his biological child.  This is a terrible situation for everyone involved. 

This is my very first post here and I'm looking for honest advice ONLY and NOT harsh or judgmental remarks, as they suit no purpose. This is my situation. I am a single mother of an 11yr. old boy.  I was not in a steady relationship when I discovered I was pregnant. I had sex with three different guys in the previous 2 months- with one man a half a dozen times or so, the other two just 1 night stands.  I was aware that the father could be any one of them, yet my gut feeling was with the guy I had been with more, and I presumed he was the father. I had the child alone and never sought any type of support from him. When my son was a few yrs old the "dad" got sentenced to federal prison. Before he turned himself in, he "accepted" that the child was his and he confided with his siblings, who until then, were not aware that there was another child out there (he has a son with ex-wife- a few yrs older). He went away, his sisters contacted me and (almost) everyone "met". So my son gets older, he knows where his dad is, he's written to my son since he's been in, he's called many times, but we havent visited him yet because he's been out of state most of the time. So this is what we've all came to accept. Then recently I had to go to hospital and since I have no health insurance (deadbeat employer) I applied for Medi-Cal to help cover costs. This brought about questions about the other parent, where is he, etc. Child support services gets involved, wants all kinds of info on him, I tell him he's in prison and doesnt get out until my son is 18yrs old so why even go there, etc. Obviously the possibility of any financial support is out of the question, and i dont want it anyway. they say well we need to get a medical support order IN CASE he gets out before son turns 18 and gets health ins. he is required to provide it for son. So before that happens they need to establish paternity. This hasn't been done yet. They found him, sent him papers, arranged for a test, we go get "swabbed", he gets swabbed in prison, a few weeks later I get a letter. Test was NEGATIVE - 0% chance that he is the father! They said I have an appt in about 10days w/ social svcs. - i have to go in and confirm by photograph that they got the sample from the right guy and that i also have to give them another name or it will negatively affect any aid i am currently receiving (which is nothing - only a reduced ER bill and a ridiculous share of cost insurance - in which i might as well have none at all since they only pay what i incur over $1000 PERMONTH! yea right!) SO now I'm really stressing out. I for one feel embarassed that I made that mistake. I lead everyone including myself into believing he was the one. I honestly thought he was, besides there are several physical simularities which no one can deny. The last conversation I had with him (after swab, before results) he tells me that if the test comes out negative, we didn't have to tell son, since he didnt really know WHY we were swabbed, it would just confuse son, etc. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I feel : oh thats real noble of him to say that since he's excused from fatherhood by being in prison; he aint got nothing to lose anyway; i guess these tests are accurate but WHAT if he'd arranged a diff. sample somehow to get govt off back but knew he was father...(far stretch i know); how do i tell son? do i tell him yet? the other 2 possibles are still around - "#1" is single w/o kids (i believe) and i see him around often; "#2" has been w/ someone for years now and they have 3 kids together-ALL GIRLS. I dont want to live a lie, up til now I dont feel has been a lie, just a mistake, after all, no REAL emotional ties have been made between my son and the excluded father, so no real loss? I shouldn't deny my son the chance to know his true father, especially when he could have him in his life now. He's been w/o a dad for 11 yrs and i know thats been rough for him- i guess i'm scared of the possible mistrust and anger he might have for me making this mistake when he could have had...but i feel he would be happy to know that he can finally have his dad in his life now- but then what if the true dad doesnt want to be a dad to my son? i dont feel either of them would actually turn away, but when the state gets involved and then wants to go after him for child support, i might want to run too! what if they want to reclaim support for the first 5 or so yrs. that i did get aid from the state? wouldnt that be wrong to do to someone financially? i've heard some child support horror stories and i am again scared that it would create resentment towards me and my son therefore not beneficial to anyone, esp. my son. But hey, if he's the dad then he should just come clean and accept it right? I am not looking for any financial support at all - the state might though right? so what, oh well? i just want my son to have a father in his life, even if its not "mom and dad", cuz i have no interest in forming that with either one of them. so how should i go about this? i have to supply another name next week.. should i just go with #1 first and hope it stops there w/o disrupting the lives involved with #2? HELP????!!!!!!