Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

You are discovering what many people do, you want change for the better.  It does need to begin inside.  If you are not who you wish to be, you now have a wonderful opportunity to change this for yourself.  Maybe if you focused on things that are good about you, you can build on those.  If you concentrate on the negative, inevitably those will be the things built upon.  Just a suggestion.... 

  

Teri 

i'm on the last chapter of self matters called  5-step action plan. I'm stuck on MER my emotional closure is difficult to solve because I don't know whether I should write a letter explaining how I felt about what they said and made me belive about myself that disfigured me or just sweep this under.

 I'm back and have been reading posts. I couldn't help but  read yours and feel the anguish you're going through.

It doesn't have to be like it was when you were growing up. You see what your Dad is going through, and you can relate, even though he doesn't "remember" that you have been through this yourself and almost carried out your wishes of ending it.

Maya Angelou said, "We did the best we knew how to do, and now that we know better, we do better." This is so true in your case, do you see it? Your whole career has been an education in how to do things better with your mother and how the whole family does not have to cover this "dirty" little secret and perpetuate the troubles. Do not move back just to continue the whole cover up and giving in to her tantrums and whims, it doesn't work. What better example than your teenage attempt at suicide and now your father's talk of not being able to do it any longer?

So ask yourself, what have you learned all your life? You have exquisitely prepared yourself for this, you are ready, but scared. This is understandable. Get your family and extended family to chip in, even if it's just for short periods. Hiding her condition has done nothing for anyone, least of all her.

You are stronger and wiser than you think you are. Love, Linda

Whether you send it after you write it is up to you. Sometimes just writing it is the minimal effective response we need. Some need to actually send it, to know that the other party knows your feelings even if they never acknowledge it or you. It's really an internal decision, but definitely WRITE IT OUT.

I write letters in my journal or carry on a 2-person conversation when I write --  and because it's in my journal, I have it.  If I need to really let it go, I rewrite it on kids writing paper and burn it.   

  

The one thing I've learned along the way, it's not about them ... it's about me.  Heck, they don't even remember how they were, how they acted, or what they said.  And that's okay, cause I do remember and that's all that counts when I reached the place where I can let them go. 

Hi, 

Do you really want to find out who you are and become consciouss about your life? In that case you have to start looking in on yourself, I mean your emotions, behaviouralpatterns, and much more. There are many good books out in the selfhelp-jungle to assist you when you are ready to start working on your self. I assume you might have heard of Dr Phils book "Selfmatters", and there are many more just ask people and me to recomend books. 

  

The question is do you want to change your lifesituation to something that might be better for you? 

  

And by the way I'm absolutely appauled of any kind of cruelty towards animals or humans. So I would strongly suggest that you tell your husband like it is, for the animals sake/safety.  

  

This is something for you to think about. 

Best wishes/ Feliss 

Marcia, 

  

I really appreciate how you spoke of writing your issue on kids paper then burning it.  I have often needed a physical manifestation of letting things go.   

  

A wise woman once told me to keep a roll of pennies.  When I had things I needed to let go of, such as resentments, and I was not finding peace, to take my roll of pennies and put each thing into a penny.  Then I was to stand on the river bank, or on a bridge and throw the penny along with my issue.  I could take the issue back when I found the penny in the water.  Well, I lived by the Snake River then, and there was no taking it back!   

  

Today I don't use pennies, I use pebbles, yet the result is the same.  I have found when I put my issue into the pebble and throw it in the river, the pebble does not stand out.  It blends with all of the other pebbles in the river.  I believe the same happens when I let go of an issue.  The issue softens and blends into my past and I don't have to distinctly go over it again and again.   

  

Teri 

I started doing the burning ritual back in the early 90's. I'm not sure how I figure out to do it; however, at that time I was learning about colors (chakras) and their meanings.  As an extreme visual person, it turned out to be the best tool I ever developed.  I have votive candles in a multiple of colors so when I've finished reading my letter to the universe and rip it up, I use the candles to represent life.   Like yellow is for feelings & emotions; red is for my past; blue is for communication & father issues.  It's really quite visual and over the years, it has become so easy to just let things go to the universe. 

  

I don't do it much any more - yet when I do, it means that I've moved to a whole new plane of life. 

  

M 

Thank you, Teri..for the response and the extended hand. I admit that I sound like I focus on the negative and not so much the positive. That's not the case for the most part. I've heard that in order to have a friend you have to be one. I agree. Would you believe me if I told you that people are just different around here? There's a commonality to most...that's what happens in rural areas such as this. And then again, people ARE just too busy with their own lives. I find no fault in them for that. I wish to find someone like myself...who didn't grow up here, go to school here, have beaucoup family here. Someone who needs people as much as I do.  

While I thank  you for your comment about my being  a person of strengths, I would tend to disagree. I might possess a modicum of strength but have weaknesses that I'm not comfortable with at this stage in my life. I know...I'm the only one who can set about the wheels of change in motion. Maybe in reality I'm just beaten down due to the hardships endured the last 15 years or so. Actually, since my mom died when I was 12. Hardship takes on many forms. My reserves are low, despite my taking 3 years in an attempt at getting myself back together. It is the daily struggles of life. I should't complain and please don't mistake this as a complaint. My life is more than I dared to  ever dream it would be, limitations and all. I have what I always wanted....the only thing missing is the company of other women. I'm a social individual...I NEED that in my life, and that is what's missing. I'm not through trying though..... 

Thanks for responding.....Becky 

Thank you Helen...I appreciate the response. I live in a rural area, there ARE no parks to walk in. And I spent YEARS alone....trying to get my head back on "straight" after a destructive, toxic 20+ year marriage. I know only too well how to be alone and enjoy my own company. Part of that realization is that I'm a "people" person. I like people. I need people in my life. That's just how I'm hard-wired. I recognize that about myself now. The reason I ask other people to walk with me is b/c I know that having a "buddy" to share in the same goals as you increases your chances at success. Notice I just say increases your CHANCES...it's not a guarantee by any stretch. I also learned that I don't just love myself, I LIKE myself. I like who I am, what I stand for. That sounds like bragging and for that I apologize...that is not my intention. I just spent a lot of time dealing with ME. I had to. I didn't want to repeat past mistakes and was doomed to do just that if I didn't get in tune, in touch with the underlying issues that caused me to seek out certain types of relationships. Maybe that's why I'm in the most satisfying, mutually respectful relationship of my entire life. He happens to be ten years younger than myself, and a lot could be read into HIS motives for choosing an older woman. We've already hashed through that. This is all sane...it works. I'm very lucky, so I've been told. I'd like to think it isn't so much luck as having learned valuable life lessons. 

Thanks again...I wish you much happiness as you continue along your life path. Raising a child as a single parent is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. I know...I was one. I might have had a husband most of the time but that didn't mean that he was a parent. When the final breakup came, I WAS a single parent. It's hard..I know. You'll get through it, though. We always do.......Becky