Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

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December 10, 2005, 11:37 pm PST

Values!

Quote From: marcia52

I've spent years dealing with my mom. When I began to implement the cognitive behavior changes in my life (Self Matters), I was able to better understand where my mom and friends and family are coming from. I had to explore ME first cause I live my life to what I tell myself. So I challenged what I was saying to myself and saw a whole different world.

My mom has stated she knows she was hurtful to me when we went on the trip in August - she even told me she was too old to change. She's asked me if I'm going to take her next year and I told her no, I wasn't going to put myself into that situation again.

There are still times when she gets on my nerves; however, it's more because of my nasty mood than her. I know what triggers her now and I've been able to do quite well in not allowing her "way" to bother me. I've given her, my friends, and family -- the right to be who they are.

My boundaries are still being worked - however; I'm finding that my values are what is creating my boundaries in my life now. What are your values?

My values:

that I will not hurt other people or myself on purpose,

I will not lie or steal,

I will try to respect myself and others,

I am trying to be loving and accepting,

I am trying to encourage my own growth as well as others,

and probably more....

I haven't actually seen it that way that my mother shows me when I've changed, but it's very true. She wants me to stay the way I were, probably because it causes her to havet to look into herself.

The thing is my mother is the one who is (unconsciously) wanting me to have as bad life as her, since she is feeling joy in helping others rather than beeing some support for her children. The thing is I don't bother about that anymore. What I need is to find a way where I can talk to her about other things than the weather without putting me down (and I have to tell her that I don't like her opinion and that her way is not the right way for me). It's a little tiring to have to do this if you know what I mean? We don't always have the over the top fights, but my mother feels that I run her over with my boundaries.

Thanks Marcia

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feliss75

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December 10, 2005, 11:47 pm PST

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: ritehere

I began my journey to wellness when trying to find some answers for my son. I was given/thought/received the insight that I had to change myself first. I was incapable of effective help for anybody else until I knew exactly what that help consisted of, by applying kindness and guidance to my life. On the way to your wellness however, you must guard against negativities from others. It's hard enough to get over your own negative inner thoughts without input from others.
There are always reasons for your emotions, never ignore the way you are feeling, or tell yourself that you shouldn't feel this way. If you don't track down the cause of the emotions, you will never understand how to change them.
A "soft place to fall" becomes yourself, your convictions and your capacity to love yourself.

I understand what you are saying. I am trying to guard against negativities, this probably why I get bothered about my mothers behaviour.

And I do as importantly suggested, write down my feelings when I have a chance. I still have some way to go with loving myself. However I don't dislike myself anymore like I use to do, this is one step of the way.

My issue is as I wrote to Marcia:

The thing is my mother is the one who is (unconsciously) wanting me to have as bad life as her (because only then can she start to heal herself), since she is feeling joy in helping others rather than beeing some support for her children. The thing is I don't bother about that anymore. What I need is to find a way where I can talk to her about other things than the weather without putting me down (and I have to tell her that I don't like her opinion and that her way is not the right way for me). It's a little tiring to have to do this if you know what I mean? We don't always have the over the top fights, but my mother accuses me that I run her over with my boundaries.

Thanks Linda

Feliss

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blue_white

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December 11, 2005, 12:00 pm PST

To You: "DEFIGNING..." Folks

Looks like I’ve got some work to do here/ I’ve read over your replies and it seems pretty clear/ There is much I can learn here and I’d like to stay/ Normally I just “visit” and then go away/ Please bare with me a bit/ While I read all of it/ I’ll be back with replies/ Thank you guys!

I have been trying not to do too much reading and computer work for the last few months because of eye strain. Glaucoma diagnosis about 5 years ago and the eye drops etc. take their toll. I had laser eye surgery 10 days ago on the right eye and if all goes well, the left eye later this winter. Perhaps I will be able to stop meds by Spring! Anyway, forgive me if I don’t always get into the discussion. I do try to respond when I am addressed. So WAVE when you need “A TOUCH OF BLUE!” Blue

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blue_white

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December 11, 2005, 12:03 pm PST

Blue Notes

Is there more to me than my poetry?
Certainly!
But Putting Blue ASIDE is no way to see!
Blue is just a way --a playing escape
Exploring my heart in the rhymes that I make

What ever I do with this “stuff” doesn’t matter
I’m on-line now because I enjoy the patter...
Of feet at my door --folks that visit me
The comments count --but what I can see...
In what other folks say and the words that they write
Set me off to rhyme --like solving a puzzle just right

When I make something new out of what other folks say
It makes ME happy and sometimes makes THEIR day
So, Is there more to me than my poetry?
Certainly!

Blue

Blue’s Shared Diary:
TRUE BLUE
http://www.drphil.com/diaries/topic/41758/
Blue Notes:
http://www.drphil.com/messageboard/topic/242/

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ritehere

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December 11, 2005, 2:03 pm PST

Dr Phil's litmus test for authenticity

Quote From: blgspc

My father sees money as power. One of the reasons I’ve been ABSOLUTELY rigid when it comes to his offers is that there’s a hook in there! I know that he isn’t an ‘evil’ man but he CERTAINLY is a CONTROLLING man.

I should have trusted my gut. Accepting financing from him in any shape, fashion or form represents CONTROL.

As soon as I sell the home I’m currently in I’m going to PAY HIM by refinancing with a mortgage company!

On some level I suppose that I’ve always known that to be involved with him and his money means that he has a measure of CONTROL over me that makes me more than a bit uneasy!!!

It doesn’t bother my sister. Living 3,000 miles away, she’s kind of hard for him to control!!! Shucks, living 3 miles away she’s kind of difficult for him to control!!!

It has ALWAYS bothered me. I can’t feel free if his money is involved in my life.

He also, knows, on some level that his money is a ‘control device’ because when I’ve been faced with any financial dilemma I’ve NEVER let him know. (Though sharing ANYTHING with my sister gets to my father!) On those occasions when he has learned that there’s a money issue he has offered to ’help’. I’ve consistently, without hesitation and unconditionally said, “Thank you. But, I can manage. It’s not a problem.” I have compromised my own beliefs and principals in involving myself with him in this manner.

I suppose that the one thing that really bothers me, is that this is something that I would have had a knee jerk reaction to at 18 years old!!! Even as an immature, ill informed, kid, I would have turned him down FLAT!

Now, at 50, I make this kind of STUPID mistake?!? GEEZ!!!

Again, my father, isn’t a ‘mean’ man. It’s just that money thing. He has it.

Brenda

Brenda,
Over the last 2 posts I've been seeing you spiral into a pit of self condemnation over a perceived mistake you have made. Try shining some light on your dilemma courtesy of the good doctor. Go to chapter 11 of SELF MATTERS. In the section titled Step 3: Test Your Internal Responses for Authenticity, there are four questions. Get a notebook and pen out and write everything you can possibly think of in response to those 4 questions. I can see some responses in your posts, but it's for you to discover for yourself. Enlightenment has more impact when it comes from within.
Read the whole section, or just find the 4 questions and answer them as fully and as honestly as possible. In order to do this, you may have to have a candid, open discussion with your father on his motivations and how they make you feel. You might find that you are having a "knee-jerk reaction" to this situation that may or may not be grounded on current realities.
Let me know what you come up with. Linda

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ritehere

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December 11, 2005, 2:24 pm PST

Verbal abuse

Quote From: feliss75

I understand what you are saying. I am trying to guard against negativities, this probably why I get bothered about my mothers behaviour.

And I do as importantly suggested, write down my feelings when I have a chance. I still have some way to go with loving myself. However I don't dislike myself anymore like I use to do, this is one step of the way.

My issue is as I wrote to Marcia:

The thing is my mother is the one who is (unconsciously) wanting me to have as bad life as her (because only then can she start to heal herself), since she is feeling joy in helping others rather than beeing some support for her children. The thing is I don't bother about that anymore. What I need is to find a way where I can talk to her about other things than the weather without putting me down (and I have to tell her that I don't like her opinion and that her way is not the right way for me). It's a little tiring to have to do this if you know what I mean? We don't always have the over the top fights, but my mother accuses me that I run her over with my boundaries.

Thanks Linda

Feliss

I know most people think that verbal abuse is name calling, but it comes in all kinds of disguises. If it leaves you feeling confused and hurt, it's abuse.
One thing I found highly effective was to STOP trying to "educate" the other on how it makes you feel. You want to explain things better, so they won't come to the conclusions they do and put you down. It's not about being understood, it's about making them feel "one up" or bringing you to their level. (Which is probably the case here since you mentioned that you feel she wants you to have as bad a life as she has had.) You have been trying to get her to understand that you don't like her opinions and that her way is not your way, but so far it's been met with indifferent ears correct? In the future try this: when she makes a derogatory remark about you or someone else, respond with "That's not true!", or "Cut it out!" or "Stop that!" Say it just loud enough that those around you hear it. They will look at the two of you and wonder what's going on. It will be hard to do this of course. You are conditioned to try to ignore it or get her to be quiet because it embarrasses you. She's the one who should carry the embarrassement, let her feel it. Nobody will actually know what she said, only your reaction. And do this even when you are alone with her, do it everytime she is verbally abusive. I can tell you that it works, but you have to call her on it EVERYTIME until she stops the behavior around you. In this way you teach her that this is not acceptable when she's around you, and hopefully she will begin to adopt it as behavior around others also. Good luck.

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ritehere

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December 11, 2005, 5:08 pm PST

Oh, I forgot to mention,