Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

       My parents are time bombs that go off numerous times a week. Something that is minimally bothersome in their mind will set off a large array of complaints related to the original irritation. For example, when pushing the play button on the answering machine. This causes many of my mistakes of the past related to phone calls to resurface. Such as not giving a message directly to my mother from another person. Sometimes I don’t because she is getting the sleep she needs to go to work at night and I don’t want to disturb her. Sometimes she wants me to wake her other times she doesn’t, it all depends. 

There have also been numerous times when my father has told me NOT to wake her to give her the message. In fact this covers most of these cases, given others were by mistake, which my father knows. But, when the case is discussed, which always excludes myself, my father says that I often don’t give her messages when I get them. When in fact, as I said before he knows that are either by mistake or because he told me no. 

            I have made very good decisions in life for the most part, my parents do admit that. Regardless of this fact I receive no respect whatsoever. I personally believe that due to the fact that I am successful thus far in most things, that I deserve at least some respect. I also believe that if they would stop throwing up their guard the minute they see me, it would be a lot easier to get along. They don’t give me any chances to earn respect. And when it comes to making mistakes or unintelligent decisions I am criticized and treated disrespectfully. But when it changes and it’s better or I make good decisions I receive little to no feedback. Which to me seems a bad move when trying to teach someone that they are rewarded for positive changes. 

            At any time when I do something out of habit due to the fact that I have been observing them doing the same thing they yell at me. Rarely do I get a warning anymore about new issues recently. My views become instantly unimportant the minute they see me. After all I’m 18, and 18 years of life doesn’t teach you much. Especially when you haven’t had the hardships that they have endured. There is no room for change; taking advice from your daughter is out of the question until she is middle aged. You simply need to team up against your daughter and fight her hypocritically. These are the views in which my parents hold so dearly to, to survive parenting.  

            They drink once or twice a week to relieve all of the reality that they have been holding in. This is when they discuss the things I say and do that bothers them. They become angry about everything and then they come to an agreement that I still have done good for the most part. Then, the next day it’s back to the bottling up of things and the blowing up and the teasing that they impose on me. The teasing brings down my self-esteem for a short time, but then I pull it back up. This is simply because I’m either feeling too stubborn to let them tear me down or someone else had to tell me that what they said was not true. 

            I know that they mean well and just want me to turn out okay. But I think that there are better ways to deal with the problems the three of us have. If only they would take the time to sit down and talk about it and come up with a mutual decision that we all agree to hold on to it would be better. I deal with depression on a daily basis and it can really tear me up inside when they act as if I am the cause of so many problems. I just want to make them happy and I keep changing when I don’t think that it is me that needs to change.  I’m genuinely caring and loving, and they know that better than anybody. So why won’t they talk about things and try to make it better for me?  

I am a 22 year old female and when I am around other women I feel insecure, like I don't fit in.  But when I am around a bunch of guys I feel more than confident.  When I see a woman skinnier than me I start thinking about wanting to be that skinny.  I'm 5'8 and I weigh 110 pounds.  I am under weight as it is but I feel fat when I am around a skinny woman.  Am I stupid for feeling this way or is there something wrong with me?  Please help.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  It's so bad that I don't like getting out of the house anymore. 

I bet you have heard that before ... I know I have ... and since reading and practicing the tools in SELF MATTER, I have to agree.  Your self-confidence is non-existant ...  and most women do feel more comfortable around men.    

Choose 1 thing to work on -- there are so many books out there that cover nearly every area that helps one to develop their self-confidence.  For me, it was learning to do goal work.   I never thought I was good at anything.  I was told I was stupid.  Heck, my high school counselor actually told me I would not do good in college.  I believed him.  Boy was I a real loser!! 

Anyway, as I began to accomplish my goals, I was actually challenging my faulty thinking.  I was seeing that I could do stuff.  It actually bought on a panic attack and because I wasn't going to rest until I figured out what I was experiencing, I asked GOD for help and found Harriet Lerner's book on FEAR.   It showed me what I was experiencing.  Then I went to Rhonda's book on FEAR which gave me steps, exercises to follow.    

If you want different, then you must challenge what you are saying to yourself ... check out Self Matters.  It provides the very basic steps to beginning the process.  The 1st half of the book is rather intense and people tend to get lost in their past and give up.  It's the 2nd half of the book that contains what your memories are doing in your life.   

I have spent the last 2 years challenging those decisions/choices I made about life as I grew up.  I don't think any of them are still around.   As I challenge my faulty thinking, I began to build self-confidence.    

Everyone, including you, live by the tapes/scripts that you have written in your life.  You can not change anyone. You can not control anything other than 3 things in your life:  how you think, feel, and act. 

Your belief is that all their conversations are about YOU.  That might be true and it might not be true.  I'm not a witness to see what is really going on. 

You have made mistakes and parents (well most of them any way) never forget.  If you have changed, learned from your mistakes ... they will not see it because they are living to a script which you can not change.  Just continue to do different and grow.    

      I understand what it is that you are telling me. It does help to hear this, so thank you. But I just wish that they would treat me with more respect and more like an adult. I understand that I'm only 18, but does that make me so unknowledgeable? I hope that someday they will see how they have hurt me and let me know when they do. But thanks again, I really appreciate the good advice. : ) 

                              Jess 

I just read in O mag, bottom of page 160 - They are doing studies on why some individuals do better than others when exposed to adversity.  "Richard Davidson, Ph.D. - director other laboratory for affective neuroscience at the University of Wisconsin.  They did brain scans on folks who took an 8-week meditation course and it showed an increaed activation in their prefrontal cortexes.   

I do visuals and meditation - I'm really good at it.  I used to take a long time to get relaxed before I could do it.  Now, I can close my eyes anywhere, under any circumstances and go to my santuary.  Isn't that cool.