Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Monica, 

Scuba diving sounds like fun!  Would love to talk with you about kayaking.  Do you whitewater or sea kayak.  I do both.  My boyfriend/mate and I just got back from a sea kayaking trip and we live on the Salmon River in Idaho, so we do our share of whitewater too.  What kind of boat do you paddle?   

As far as feeling good about your professional self, the path of least resistance and such, I can identify with some of what you say.  For years I was defined by what I did, not who I am.  As long as I was working, I felt good.  When I was not working, however, I did not feel good.  I felt empty.  It has taken a great Life Shakeup to teach me to treat myself as a whole being, not parts.  Meeting people, making friends, getting feedback and interaction with the human race really helps move this along.   

I would love to get to know you a bit more, as finding people who enjoy doing what I do is not always easy.  Ritehere loves to hike, which I also dearly love, so I really enjoy reading her posts on her personal triumphs.   

Good luck, Monica, and my thoughts are with you. 

Teri 

Again, I'm sorry that this response comes so much later.  

I am so glad that you are finding closure with your mom! I'm so happy for you!   

You have a good heart and a kind spirit. Those children in Rock Hill will be grateful for your kindness and the energy you have used to make their lives better! I, too am personally grateful that you are a part of this message board. You make ME aware each and every day that there are all sorts of methods of self expression that not only enrich ones own life but enrich the lives of others as well.   

I am currently re-thinking my choice of not using the 'Self Matters' book. I had put it away fearing that the selfish part of me might not do the things I need to do to provide musch needed aid to my father.  

I do have another question for you. You mentioned Rock Hill in your post, are you a 'Sandlapper', also? If you'd rather not say I'll understand. I am curious, though.   

Thanks,  Brenda :-)  

I am home after a couple of weeks of "play".  It is funny, because I am learning that no amount of planning a trip means you will actually follow the itinerary.   

Our original plan had been to go to Vancouver Island and paddle the ocean there.  We never made it past Northern Washington.  I felt dissapointed, yet I knew that my boyfriend was right...we didn't have the knowledge or the skills to do the great open ocean paddling.  We needed more information.  We did do some ocean paddling, just nothing multi-day.  We had a lovely time, I loved surfing, and I learned I like seafood...when it is fresh.  

I also learned that I can speak up about how I feel.  I learned that I don't have to pretend to be ok with something when I am not.  I have also learned that this is not the end of the world.   

I have missed the boards, missed the interactions and the wisdoms.  I have read to get "caught up" and I think I am up to speed on everyone.   

Sounds like life has continued to happen and life is a bowl of cherries, bananas, and the occasional prune.  We all get to pick what we eat from the bowl, don't we?   

Thanks everyone and I am glad to be back!   

Teri 

Hi, a long time ago, I developed this ritual that helps me to release my anger in a positive way.  It probably will sound stupid to you, but it does work - cause it allows me to finally express my anger and channel it so that I can finally move past it.  Cause if I can't then it owns me and I end up mentally warped. 

1st thing I do is take my bedroom pillow into the bathroom (it's got the only door where my animals can't come to me).  I sit on the toilet seat and I start to beat up the pillow. I allow myself to express myself in words. I allow myself to say out loud all that I feel inside.  I've even been known to take the pillow and slam it into the walls.   This helps me to verbalize what I'm feeling cause I've been taught -- nice goods don't have anger.  Boy whoever thought that one up needs their head examined. 

2nd thing I do is write a letter. I use the kids "beginning to write" paper cause it's really thin.  I write down the worse of my feelings - like how they hurt me, how they did this to me.  If I'm really angry, both sides of the paper are written on. 

3rd thing I do is light my RELEASING candles.  I have small candles in a variety of colors. Each color represents something: 

1. Red - my past
2. Orange - relationships/sexuality
3. Yellow - feelings & emotions
4. Green - love
5. Blue - communication / father issues
6. Black - repels negativity
7. White - cleanses / purifies

I lite the white one first so it cleanses the ritual.  I lite the black one last so that I repel any negativity that my words/actions. 

I then read my letter / words.   Then I tear it up.  I then lite each tear piece up by selecting a color that I want to express.  Like if my anger is because of a relationship, I start with that one.  I then watch it burn and I keep on expressing myself verbally.  When the last sheet of paper has been burned.  I then blow out each candle - I tell myself:  I let go of:  _______.  Then I blow out the white candle asking the Universe to cleanse me of this anger.  Then lastly the black candle - I ask the Universe to repel any negativity that my words/actions that I've done.  I then ask the Universe to help me work thru this anger. 

I know it sounds corny, but I found over the years that this ritual allows me to move pass the anger and allows me to no longer be a victim of my own faulty thinking and to finally allow myself to be open to ways to NOT BE THERE ANYMORE. 

And whenever, I feel the anger coming back, I remind myself I have given it to the universe. 

This ritual has helped a few of my friends because it's something hands on. 

Hi Brenda, 

When I picked up Self Matters the first time, I really had a hard time because once again someone wanted me to LOOK AT MY PAST.  I'm was so tired of looking at my past, I've been doing it over and over and over again for over 10 years.  But I did manage to read the first 3 chapters and walked away with a goal: NO MORE GRIEVING.  I then spent the next few months saying it over and over again.  Whenever I thought about my childhood, my job, my lost promotion, my life -- then when I started WLC, I found myself in turmoil again.  I couldn't even think about losing weight, I was so lost with the pain I was feeling about work & my life.  I picked up SELF MATTERS (SM) again and then sort of scan/read it in Dec. 03.  Then when the support group I joined had me re-read Keys 1 & 2 again, I just couldn't take it anymore.  So I dropped out of the group and turned to SELF MATTERS.  I made myself read it and do the exercises in the workbook. 

I still couldn't face my life .... so I did something different - I'm really good at doing that now ---  I decided to tackle a goal that I could actually break down into small steps and use the techniques in the book to help me practice the techniques. I actually found 2.  I eventually selected SEWING as my goal and I committed to doing it or just letting it go for the rest of my life.  That if I didn't do it NOW, then I was going to get rid of everything piece of cloth, pattern, equipment in my home & life. 

And it was the best decision I ever made.  Cause I was able to tackle each task and practice listening to what I was saying to myself.  There was a lot of emotional baggage I had to deal with (I've been wanting to sew since I was 13 years old, I was 51).  But it was about me, not about family, friends, work or anything like that.  

I did have help though, I discovered Martha Beck's articles in OPRAH and was able to go thru my back issues to see what her articles were like.  I discovered that her 2-3 page articles always came with a couple of steps for me to concentrate on.  I then discovered that Woman's Day, Family Circle, SELF, FITNESS, Good Housekeeping - and a whole slew of magazines always have 2-3 articles in them that provide steps I can focus on.  They also sometimes list authors and their books.  This enabled me to do my research and experiment with different new behaviors/challenges. 

You might want to find a copy of MAY 2004 -O Magazine for Martha's article:  SHAME, EMBARRASSED, HUMILATED.  It really helped me to understand emotional paralysis.  It also helped me deal with the SHAME my healing first bought on.  But remember 1 thing - and you can challenge this by looking at your friends, family and the world: 

NO BODY IS EVEN GOING TO NOTICE THAT YOU'VE STOPPED PLAYING YOUR LIFE. THEY ARE SO BUSY WITH THEIR'S THAT ONCE THEY'VE ATTEMPTED TO GET YOU BACK INTO THE GAME, THEY WILL LOSE INTEREST BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE. 

It's really true.  My boss & her girlfriend never even knew that I stopped fighting.  I spent so many hours experimenting & practicing NOT RESPONDING that they forgot that I even existed.   

I committed 3 years to changing my life - I committed on 3/9/04 and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. 

p.s.  This isn't about your father or anyone.  It's about you.  It's about you discovering who you were meant to be.  And the funny thing is, once you find your "authentic self" - somehow you do aid your dad and others.  I see every day how my new me/behaviors/habits is influencing others. 

Last night, my mom called me and acknowledged her HATEFUL behavior.  I was sort of able to use the WHEN YOU DO _____, I _______.   I did go off on a fairy tale that I was writing earlier to help me when I talked to mom about the trip - but it wasn't the truth and I saw it early on.   

I was able to tell her how I felt shamed and embarrassed about her treatment.  That I couldn't do anymore trips with her like this again.  SHe agreed. 

I then took it one step further - I bought up her instance that I'M THE SICKIEST PERSON SHE KNOWS - when in fact, of all her children, I'm the most healthiest.  She bought up how I'm always saying that I CAN'T EAT THIS / I CAN'T EAT THAT; then her tape said AND I CAN'T TAKE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR WORK ANYMORE, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE _______.  I told her it was her pattern and that I understood that she couldn't stop herself.  But that I couldn't do the trips anymore because I don't want to be angry anymore and for the last few years, I would return from those trips so angry, I couldn't talk to her for days/weeks afterwards. 

I was so numbed out emotionally about the whole conversation.  I have changed the relationship.  I haven't lost her - cause I told her I loved her.  Cause I do.  I understand what living to a script is all about.  I also know that I've been tackling this "closure" for a while now and I've gotten a list of TRIGGERS that sets her off.  So I'm going to implement my NO MORE VERBAL ABUSE strategy and keep her in my life.  If it doesn't work, than that's a choice she is making. 

But for her to acknowledge her behavior, for me to talk to her about it, and for me to stand up against it, has been a releasing for both of us.  I am 1 step closer to being an adult 24/7.  And I'm hoping that Dr. Phil's words:  You can't change unless you acknowledge the behavior - will work on my mom without her ever watching or reading a book.  I'm hoping that by me living / breathing SELF MATTERS 24/7 will show her the way to improving our relationship.  If not, than that's not my choice.  My choice is to continue my 3-year committment to living my authentic self 24/7 and to get a whole new set of goals cause these that I've been working on for 10 to 40 years are BORING!!!!  I want to see what else is out there for me to learn! know!  Be! 

Marcia, the 51 year old woman who lived her life that her 8-year old created and who at 52 years, 10 months old has finally allowing herself to blossom into the woman she was meant to be. 

I spent the afternoon working on Chapter 4 : Ten Defining Moments. I sat and wrote- my hands got numb! I had to keep shaking them. Carpal Tunnel, no doubt. I was just like a TV reporter, speaking from the third person perspective. I wrote about 7 defining moments. Wrote every last detail of every one. I'm doing REALLY well writing them, describing the situation my response(s) etc.  

However, when I got to the questions about how I feel now about those things I was just drawing a blank. I'm really NOT aware of having feelings about those things, NOW.   

I am really beginning to wonder if this is actual or if I'm....Oh, Geez, I don't know! Having an out of body experience when I'm writing!?!? I keep saying, "Now, you supposed to have something to write in this space!!! And It is...." I came up with nothing, ZIP, except on one of them I was able to put "Sadness" as a current 'feeling'!!!  

I suppose I got to think some more on this.   

Maybe I'll put it down for tonight and overnight I'll develope some 'feelings'!  

Thanks. If you or anyone else on this board ran into this I sure would like to know how you addressed it. I'm Stumped!  

Til Next Time,     Brenda :-)   

Sorry, to hear that things didn't go according to the plan but I'm really glad that you still had fun.  

I love learning about new things, like that I love something I've not had an opportunity to experience before. Glad you discovered fresh seafood! I love it but then I grew up eatting fresh seafood. In fact, along the coast the older folks near the coast feel like somethings missing if they don't have fresh seafood at least 2 times a week!  

Good to hear from you, again!  

Brenda :-)  

I've had my horrible bouts of anger also, and if I stop long enough to ask why, well it's me I'm angry with.  When we realize our own short commings, with an open mind and on a daily basis, then and only then, we can start over, if we choose to.  A new mind set as to what is good and gentle about ourselves, cry if you have to, breath in long deep breaths.  FOCUS on the good things around you, and help some one, without telling anybody.  This is an amazing experience if you are open to doing so.  Be kind to yourself with good energy, and when you look in the Mirror, live in the truth of YOUR life, with the gratitude of being a kind loving person.  Your not alone in this struggle!  

Goldielox