Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

     It was great to log on and see your reply Linda :), it made my hopeful and constructive morning feel even better.  The last few weeks have been hard for me to deal with and I find myself turning back to the supports and self-care routines that have helped me not only cope, but forge ahead in the past.  I'm joining you here on the board Linda for the next few months at least...  I've got a lot of work to do!! 

     It's Autumn here in Australia.  Melbourne is coloring up with beautiful shades of burgundy, red and yellow.  The days are either clear mild and sunny with pale blue skies, or wet cold and windy with the occasional rainbow.   

     Autumn always makes me feel mellow and everything seems more poignant.  I try to spend as much time as possible outside in the fresh air because I have a history of the winter-blues.  If I can stay active and get as much sunshine as possible during the shorter days of the year I'll come through it okay. 

                                                                                  Smiling DownUnder, Mary. 

 My authentic self went away a long time ago. Once I was a great person who loved to smile. Today I'm a very sad and depressed person who barely sleeps and rarely makes it out of bed. My heart is hurt and I don't know if it can be repaired. I have been abused to the point I sometimes I feel I don't care if I wake up in the morning. I have lost so much in life I just want one time to be a winner. I lost my father in 1979 from Agent Orange he got while serving in the Vietnam War. I was only 13 and just entering middle school. I went through so much not having him around to protect me. I had my daughter when I was 23. I got married at 25 and had a son the same year. The man I married was an abuser and I knew it before I married him. I suffered and still do from low self esteem and self worth. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer on 7/23/93 at age 31/2 and passed away on 2/2/95 thirteen days after her 6th birthday. We buried her on 2/7/95. My son who became traumatized by it stopped talking, he'd just turned 3 in December. Two weeks later my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She passed away on2/10/96 and was buried on 2/14/96. My birthday is on 2/15. I stopped celebrating my birthday because I couldn't be happy when I had to bury two people whom I love with all my heart during that time. Everything was left to me to do. 

 The abuse continues, I feel helpless with no parents to turn to. Health issues have left me unable to work to support myself or afford a place for my son and me when I leave. I have decided to send my son to relative sfor the summer and I will live in my car until I can figure out what I will do. I feel so lost, it seems no one cares. I have been told to go to a homeless shelter but when I talk to people they say it's just for 30 days, I don't want to be homeless even though I guess living out of a car will be that. 

I hold fast to my dream and my son because it's all I have left in this world, but as far as my Authentic Self I may have lost it forever. Should the wind shift and blow a blessing my way maybe, just maybe I will find it again. 

 i found a family that would support me, after being depressed for a year, i found some freinds, who gave me a place to belong, there always been there for me, even if they nevered meet me. i was suffering from realley bad despressing.and  felt like ending there that night, but my  freinds said no! and talked to me, all night, even demanded i write to them the next Moring. well they helped, alot i konw they always get labled, gang. cult, whatever. we're nice caring peaple. who only want to hang out listien to our music, so forth, there FAMILY! like dr phil says , FAMILY comes First  they saved my life, sometimes even the thickest deepest waters are thicker then blood,    mcl   

What does it mean when you are making love with a man (very long term relationship) and you say I love you and get nothing in return but dead air. Which in this instance can and does really hurt. Does it mean they don't love you? Would appreciate any opinions on this. Thanx.