Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

if you asked me about myself i would probable tell you that i am a mother, wife and student.  but if you wanted to know who i was as on an individual level, i couldn't tell you.  in high school i was an athlet and always somebodies girlfriend.  I think that was a kind of security blanket.  i never really had any close friendships that lasted past graduation.  in college i met someone, and became pregnant a month later, in my second semester.  i have never been able to just find myself.  any suggestions that may help me without interferring with my family. 

Brenda, you do have emotions & feelings about the events -- they can be good ones, sad ones -- and sitting back and allowing yourself to see what happens is a good way to understand.  That's how I'm doing it.   

I discovered that when I used a food journal with the 7 Keys (Weight Loss Solutions), I learned that I was able to list & keep to my planned meals until something happened.  So I developed a food journal - 1/2 of the page had the food diary - the other 1/2 had lines for me to write on.  So when I ate, I would write down about the events leading up to my eating. 

I learned that if an event occurred that caused me to go off-track, I would just lose it. But because I was part of a support group, I had to resurface because I had committed to doing the process of healing my life.  I was then able to pick up where I left off and see what happened.  Then I wrote about it.  Then using the tools in Self Matter, I learned to listen to what I was saying, which lead to "old memories" surfacing.   As those old memories surfaced, I just accepted that they were my scripts/tapes at work so I just allowed myself to tackle them 1 at a time. 

I used to write:  I am a 51-year old woman living her life as an 8-year old.  My memories only went that far back cause it was my most traumatic year in my life. The "before years" actually got erased because of it.  I had something like 4-6 events happening to me that year - starting with my sister getting hit by a car and nearly dying to losing our home and finally ending up in a new neighborhood.  By that time, I had made so many wrong assumptions about the events because of PEOPLE, PLACES, & THINGS.   

I allowed myself to acknowledged that I was 8 years old and I had to accept the concept that if I went off track at 8 years old that all that made me who I am today was based on those assumptions.  I had to challenge how I saw the world and it wasn't easy.  But I kept thinking about how an 8 year old thinks.  How much of the world they see and understood.  

Brenda, I suggested to members of my support group that they locate a cognitive therapist who is willing to use SELF MATTERS as a tool.   

also, write down your thoughts/feelings everyday if you can into a journal.  Currently, I'm using those 70-page spiral notebooks that go on sale now for 10 for a $1.00.  It allows me to put my thoughts & feelings down and go back to them later.   

But remember, you will find out that you will walk away from it - allow yourself the time away, but make sure you keep your books & journal & writings together -- you will return to it. 

p.s.  When I first started to heal nearly 14 years ago (9/27/91), I actually had to turn to a dictionary to name feelings & emotions.  I still have the little book.  I had to work on matching up anger, resentment, etc.  Luckily, it was my therapist at the time that bought it to my attention and I was able to figure out a neat tool that helped me with the process.  So doing emotional/feeling work wasn't easy for me.  It took me years.  Now, I've developed a tool which I call NAMING.  Like FLYING, FAIRY TALE, SOARING, ADVENTURE.  I found that I had enmeshed many different feelings into 1 script/tape so I named it as a whole.  Otherwise, I tend to get to detailed.  Then I posted the new "feeling/emotion" and read it for 1 month until I incorporated into my vocabulary.  Right now, I'm in the process of naming MY DYING FEARS.  When a dying thought occurs, I'm entering a script/tape that really is hurting my moving forward process.  Now, I'm able to focus on the emotions/feelings it brings up to me.  I'll let you know what I've named it - dying is so negative - I want a positive word/phrase to replace it with. 

Right now, I'm once again exploring WHO I AM - not what role I play with others, but WHO AM I.  I hit this every so often - and now, it's beginning to happen more and more as I bring closure to my LONG TIME goals - some as long as 40+ years.  They have been in my life so long that I just feel insecure because they won't be there anymore.  

You made me ask myself:  HAVE I FOUND MYSELF YET?  and the answer was:  I've been lost for quite a long time.  I am not sure I found myself just yet, but I have been digging deep to find my essense of myself.   Because I've had so many goals for so long, I was shocked to discovered that they were my essense of myself.  That my lie:  I AM EVIL stopped me from pursuing anything that bought me pleasure and happiness because I deserved to be punished. 

Thank you, I've been on reflection / quiet time in my life right now and I'm looking and evaluating where I am in my life right now.  I've just completed a major healing - and I feel different - everything with my family and friends are the same -- it's just that I really do feel different. 

Don't worry about interferring with your family in your healing process.  They won't even know it's going on - but they will try to make you stop because they will feel the tiny changes that you are doing.   I used these words to help me thru those times:  Thank you for showing me that I have changed within.  I will let this pass because they will adapt and I can continue on moving forward. 

I made those words an affirmation and posted them to my mirror until I could recite it without thinking about it - yep, I wrote me a tape.  Then when I journaled about the events/words, I would go thru my list of "words" that I knew were truth and it helped me to NOT TURN BACK!! 

In Summer 2003, I was in the midst of one of those "LONG STRETCH LIFE EVENT CYCLE", I was in shocked that I was never going to be put in for a promotion because my boss didn't want to be bothered, I was working with a handicap working and had to stand up and defend her right to work, entered a family death watch, was finally emerging from the grief I entered back in 1999, and I was diagnosed with hyperthryoidism and they wanted to kill my thyroid.  There were more events occuring - but we don't have enough space for me to write it all down!  I was just so stressed out, I just stepped back like you and wrote and wrote.   

I too saw that my life wasn't working.  I decided that I would take an early retirement if offered that July.  On Dec. 31, 2004, I retired and I did give myself permission to just get off the roller coaster and take 1 healing step after the next. 

I too am taking classes - I finally discovered what it is I've been doing for years -- I am a DOCUMENTATION DESIGNER.  I just learned that last Friday.   

What are you going to school for?  I'm thinking about obtaining the Technical Writing Certificate that Cleveland State University is offering.  I just need 5 more classes and I can apply for it. 

Marcia 

Anger can be such a destructive force, or a constructive force, depending on what we do with it.  I can remember feeling rages that I didn't really understand where they came from.  I started having a very poor opinion of the human race and it's participants.  I can remember feeling that the public, as a whole, is an idiot.   

People make you sick, and it is for a reason.  Often times I find that things bother me in others because it is a trait I have in myself that I have little or no respect for.  I am not saying this is the case for you, yet it might help if you did some introspection.   

One thing I have learned in Life is no one person is terminally unique.  We are all individuals, yet our processes are basically the same.   

It is good to express the anger, but that is not where the process ends.  I have found I need to examine it, look at it from many angles, and appreciate it for what it is so I can understand where it comes from.  If I can do this, then I can change it if I so desire.  Sometimes I find I don't want to change the way I feel, as it fuels constructive energy for positive change.  When it destroys me, though, I know I want to find a way to let it go.   

You have put yourself out there and made yourself a bit vulnerable, and I commend you for this.   

Teri 

isn't a state of mind, is it?   

Had to throw in some mindless humor, as today is prescribing it. 

Taemanai,  I appreciate your posts and responses.   

Teri 

Hi Everyone, This is my first post here. I bought the book Self Matters & just started reading it. I love the way it seems Dr. Phil is just talking to me when I read it. I got to the page Your Personal Starting Place & had to stop because I wanted to go back to re-read the first few pages again. He is soooo right. I am & always have been a people pleaser & worried about everything except takeing care of me. I feel so excited to start this new journey to find out who I really am. It's time I started looking after me. I am doing the Weight Loss Challenge too & so far have lost 57 pounds. I have a long way to go but I know this time I will do it. Thanks for listening.......Carol :)