Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

My man and I have incessant fighting matches that always end up nowhere. He says that I always fly off the handle, but why is he always the one leaving the room or hanging up the phone? I've always considered myself a soft, kind hearted person, with alot of patience, and a ridiculous amount of understanding. Why is it that I always find myself yelling?  I'm out of control.  I know that there are issues from my past relationship that always come up. (in my mind)  I'm afraid to be manipulated and used like I was in my last relationship,  so I refuse to back down from any fight. Even if it's a stupid one.  But on the other hand, he's so insecure and sensitive, even if I am trying to stay calm, and just explain how I'm feeling, he's not listening.  I love my boyfriend, we're getting ready to move in together in July. Is all this fighting just our nerves? Or is there an issue that we need to resolve? How do we resolve an issue, when he won't admit it's there?  I can't even get him to watch Dr.Phil or read Dr. Phil to get some insight, he's not English.  Every time we argue, his solution is ending the relationship, but I keep fighting to hold on to it. Why? Because I want to so much.  I told him to find another solution.  But he really doesn't know what else to do. Neither do I. His insecurities have caused me to abandon most of my single friends, have caused tension whenever I do something with my non-single friends, and whenever he goes out of town or works, I'm at home doing nothing for fear that he'll get upset if I do call up someone to do something.  He flat out tells me that he doesn't trust me, but has absolutely no reason to.  He claims I cheated on him because I kept an old letter that my ex wrote to me in 2004.  He wants to know why I kept it, but my reasons are not good enough for him.  At this point, 2 years later, I don't even know why I kept it. Guess it was validation of some sort, for living 8 years with a man who couldn't tell me he loved me, but finally realized it too late, in a letter. But because of that he thinks I'm doing all this stuff behind his back. etc etc...  I'm at a loss,  I don't want to end it because he's insecure. I want him to feel secure. But how?     

My immediate response to your message was:"oh my god, I don't want to live without him" and started to cry.   I can live without him, I did it before I met him, I just don't want to....  

I'm so unselfish that I can't even begin to know how to take care of ME.  I am a giver, I always have been. I don't know how else to be. And quite honestly I like me this way.   Our fighting is always about his thinking I am cheating, and me trying to get it in his thick skull that I'm not. I would never even consider cheating on him, if I wanted another man, I would just have another man. Why have the trouble of two???    I never thought that I was trying to change him. That never crossed my mind. I don't want to change him, I love him for who he is.  But being the girlfriend, should I tell him what he is doing wrong?  If I say nothing, I will not be happy.  We are compatible on many levels, this is what keeps me "hanging on" as you put it.  We just are not good at arguing.  I never knew how to argue effectively. And neither does he for that matter.  I end up just blowing up,and blurting out things that I never wanted to say, things that I ignored trying to be patient, and understanding.   

I say all this, knowing full well that we are in a destructive relationship. When the arguing is taking over the good stuff that made you fall in love in the first place you have to wonder "is it really worth it?" like you said.  But what if you think, YES it is worth it!  I suppose you're right I can change me, but not him, and if he's unwilling to change, it isn't worth it.  I'm very confused right now...  

I read, and re-read your response half a dozen times. I know you're right and I know that I don't want to leave him. I'm not ready to let go just yet. But I will promise myself to take some time to really think about it and dissect my latest reactions. I don't want to change into something negative, which is what I seem to be doing.  I want to blossom and be fantastic worthy woman I know I am.   Some soul searching and a little more strength will get me through this. And helpful advice.  You're  great. Thanks. Will keep you posted as to what is going on. I'm sure to have yet another emotional night tonight.  Stay calm, just stay calm.  

Yesterday was a rough day. I was very confused and insecure about my feelings towards my boyfriend. Today, I'm stronger (it must be the sleep) and I feel more secure in myself. I've realized that I started to let myself lose control. It's not his fault, it's mine. I lost control, I forgot about me, I let him treat me this way.  I've always been the type of person to step away from an argument, to avoid any conflict, to forget who I was, and my beleifs.  This comes from years of fear of judgement, fear of not fitting in, fear of actually having to own up to what I feel, do and say. I'm 32 years old, it's time I own up to it.  No more losing control, no more changing my mind, no more yelling. Yelling gets you nowhere, it just gives you a headache and a sore throat. And no one is really listening to what you're saying anyways, all they hear is the yelling.  I still don't know what to do with my boyfriend  right now, so I've decided space is the best for us right now. Maybe a little breathing room will bring things into focus.  I know what I have to do for me however, and that's spend time with my friends, get back into my own routine and get back to eating the way I eat, and make sure I don't let that change because I have someone that is different in my life.  If I don't want to eat McDonald's I won't.  If I want to go dancing with my friends, I will. And if my brother asks me to be there for him for his "battle of the bands" contest, I will be there.  No more missing out on things, and letting myself down because someone else thinks it's wrong.  I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions, and I can face my own consequences.  The next few weeks are all about me, and re-defining what  I feel I've lost.   I didn't realize that I was feeling the loss of these things so much. Guess build ups tend to create a wall that's hard to see over.    

ive watched dr.phil since he was on Oprah and today i finally signed up to the message board! 

The big question I have is that somewhere the past i have heard dr.phil say something like "theres nothing about that i person that i dont like in myself" or something like that.  

Anyone know which line Im referring to?  

I really want to get this straight as i am trying to use it when dealing with how i see things.

by remembering this it helps to keep the focus on what really needs attention -- why Im thinking this was to begin with -- instead of things i cant change.  

thanks!!!!