My mother and I have a horrid non-relationship. She was extremely controlling when I was a child and demanded perfection. I was the only girl and have 3 brothers. I showed a talent for piano at age 4 and by the age of 10 was practicing anywhere from 2-4 hours a day. We had a chart and if we missed practice on a day for ballgames, excess homework, etc. we had to make up the practice time on Saturdays. There were Saturdays I played for 6-8 hours. At school we participated in a talent contest. I won it 3 years straight in my age group and my brothers won in theirs. The PTA changed it to a talent show after that and my mother was furious. I understood, even as a child, that if others don't win occasionally, it isn't fun for them. We were just kids.
I was also in gifted and talented. I loved it and the program was perfectly designed to help me learn in ways best suited to me. I often think it was my only retreat to think and be myself. A new boy came into school and tested into the program. I remember how upset my mom was that his IQ was higher than mine. She talked about it for weeks. I loved him dearly and our intellectual skills were vastly different. He was a math buff and I was into language and arts. But my mom could n't see he was someone for me to learn from. He was competition.
This leads me up to the fact that my mother is controlling and demands perfection from me. I don't wear makeup, pretty much dress like a hippy(long skirts, long hair, etc.) She used to make me put makeup on before she would take me anywhere. Her bedroom door was 3 feet from mine and I can't tell you how many men came through. When my hubby and I were dating, we ran into an old boyfriend of hers and he introduced himself to my husband as 'one of my daddies.' It was terribly embarassing. I'm pretty shy about my private life in person.
I sometimes wonder if you can subconsciously rebel against your early childhood environment. I've very laid back with my kids. Long hair and style of clothes aren't a battle for me. I want them to be bright, happy, and interested in pursuing life. My only rule is to respect others. If you do that and think of other's emotions and how your actions will affect them, them you'll almost always do the right thing. I've been a vegetarian since I was 11 or 12. My family is full of avid hunters. Material things and having new things mean very little to me.
Several years ago, my mother and I were on the fritz because she was giving my oldest son dairy products. He's been allergic since birth. He was ill for several months and finally the doc said someone had to be giving him dairy because his symptoms all pointed towards that conclusion. I asked her if maybe he was getting dairy at church in Sunday school snacks(she watched him on saturday nights and was his only other caregiver). SHe flew into a rage, I'd seen enough to know she was guilty. She always did that when I was a kid. If she had screwed up, she would get violently angry and then apologize profusely later. Two months later Social services showed up at my door with abuse complaints. I was hysterical and called my mom-in-law to come over. The ss worker couldn't find anything wrong and after much discussion with her about my mother, and many more false complaints charged by my mother, ss told her they would file charges against her if she didn't stop. The ss worker told me I needed to stay as far away from my mother as possible and sever all contact with her. I did.
I feel guilty sometimes. Every fiber in my being tells me that if I let her around my children she will emotionally and perhaps physically cripple them. But I feel sorry for her not having any close ties. My brothers aren't close with her. The oldest severed ties with her for 4 years, my younger brother for 3. Two of us didn't invite her to our weddings. But we all feel guilty and hate for her to be alone. I know that if I try to speak with her and want to leave my kids out of it, she will guilt me into letting her back in to our lives. My husband WILL NOT allow her around our babies and I feel the same way. It's just the guilt. I have always been emotional and always trusted my gut. My gut tells me to leave it alone and let her deal with it herself and accept what she has done. I know you can forgive people and not let them back into your life because that is what I have done. I just always try to look for the best in everyone and I know somewhere inside, it's there.
I don't have one happy childhood memory that has anything to do with my mother.
Sorry this is so long. I've never let it out before.
Do you think I am possibly feeling the guilt because everything isn't PERFECT and that's how things always had to be? I hate feeling the turmoil between us all.
