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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 11:20:02 am
Author : dataimport
Have you read "Self Matters" or become familiar with the process of uncovering your authentic self from watching the show? Share your story here.

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August 29, 2005, 9:25 am PDT

Teri

Quote From: teri_id

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.   

  

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away.  I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home.  I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m.  Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking.  This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.   

  

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not.  The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought.  This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.   

  

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry.  Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes.  I don't know.  I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing.  I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up.  The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt.  This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.   

  

He has been distancing himself also.  I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to.  I don't know.  I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him.  Wow.  Relationships are not my strong suit.   

  

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective.  I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part.  Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out.  I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?   

  

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks everyone. 

Teri 

You must communicate before the feelings you are harboring get out of hand. Your significant other is sensing your defensiveness, and is probably jumping to his own conclusions that may be as wrong as yours possibly are.
He is obviously smelling something that to his mind equals liquor. You cannot know what that is, so think hard about where you were, what was going on around you, who you interacted with. It may be something as harmless as the detergent or fabric softener that is used on your children's clothes, that he somehow mistakes for another smell. Smells have a way of triggering memories, and whatever he is smelling could be triggering memories of drinking. The possibilties are endless here.
Invite him to come with you next time, if that it will ease his mind.
Distancing is pehaps the worst thing you can do, but it's also the first reaction when you are feeling accused. Tell him what you are feeling, and that you want to discuss this because it seems to be snowballing.
 
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August 29, 2005, 12:26 pm PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: grub48

This weekend my wife asked me a question and it went something like this: 

  

"If you could have one thing in the whole world what would it be?" 

  

Well the answer took less than 20 seconds to come to me.  I replied  

  

"To have an enduring sense and feeling of peace" 

  

I believe that if we have truly found what Dr Phil calls our authentic self then we have that sense and feeling.  If we are true to and within our self then the world can be welcome but does not afflict us with its sham and drudgery because we can move on through and with it all. 

  

The morning brings a new day full of possibility and wonder - fill the day - each of its moments - with anything at all - the experience and beauty is yours to define 

I catch your drift, but just because we are strong & able to cope, doesn't mean that there won't be challenges or that a day won't come where we find our imperfect selves struggling with something in particular. So.....I guess what I am trying to say is that we never gratuate from this effort of ours to have our true authentic self complete & whole forever. I guess that is why we continue to strive for that balance in our lives.
 
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August 29, 2005, 2:41 pm PDT

Teri...Just some thoughts....

Quote From: teri_id

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.   

  

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away.  I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home.  I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m.  Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking.  This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.   

  

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not.  The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought.  This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.   

  

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry.  Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes.  I don't know.  I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing.  I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up.  The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt.  This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.   

  

He has been distancing himself also.  I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to.  I don't know.  I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him.  Wow.  Relationships are not my strong suit.   

  

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective.  I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part.  Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out.  I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?   

  

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks everyone. 

Teri 

What do you need to say to him that goes unsaid?? Distrust in a relationship can be painful. Are you NOT speaking to avoid something that NEEDS to be said? Is this 'distancing', detachment a natural part of something healthy for you BOTH in this relationship? Or is it just the path of least resistance? Listen to your 'gut'. What is your 'gut' telling you you need to do with the anger???  

   

   

Keep in touch. I wish you only the best.  

   

   

Brenda  

 
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August 29, 2005, 5:19 pm PDT

Relationships & Honesty

Quote From: teri_id

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.   

  

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away.  I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home.  I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m.  Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking.  This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.   

  

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not.  The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought.  This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.   

  

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry.  Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes.  I don't know.  I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing.  I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up.  The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt.  This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.   

  

He has been distancing himself also.  I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to.  I don't know.  I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him.  Wow.  Relationships are not my strong suit.   

  

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective.  I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part.  Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out.  I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?   

  

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks everyone. 

Teri 

In all relationships - regardless of the stage they are at - there must be honesty - and that honesty must be on both sides.  In fact it needs to be on all 4 sides.  Four sides you ask - yes there are four sides to each relationship.  There is the honesty of you to him, him to you, you to yourself and he to himself.  

   

Finding that honesty and truly implementing it in its purest form can be very difficult.  We either don't want to face up to the truth our own self or we don't want to communicate the truth because we don't want to hurt or intimidate the other person.  But if we aren't honest then is the relationship something that is pure and good?  Obviously the answer to that is no.  

   

You must decide just exactly what your relationship is based upon.  Sure there is an element of the authentic self in each and every relationship - if we aren't being authentic with our self then how can we expect our relationships to be authentic?  We can't.  

   

I think there is perhaps a deficit in your relationship - but that deficit has created itself because of a lack of honesty and transparency.   In each relationship you must both put in 100% - not 50-50 but 100-100 -else it doesn't work effectively and for the long term.  Sure there are going to be times when one of you puts in more - but the effort has to be there from both of you.  

   

Re-negotiate the relationship - find the common ground once more (if it is still there) - set the ground rules once more for both of you - and both of you must do it.  There has to be trust between you - complete trust.  And remember one of the things that Dr Phil said "you have to earn your way out of a relationship" by that he means that you have to work hard to make sure that you have covered every base, checked every corner and dotted every i and crossed every t before you get even close to calling it quits.  

   

There is always a way out of every situation - but only through honesty with yourself will you find the real and right way  

 
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August 30, 2005, 12:58 am PDT

Teri,

Quote From: teri_id

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.   

  

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away.  I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home.  I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m.  Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking.  This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.   

  

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not.  The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought.  This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.   

  

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry.  Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes.  I don't know.  I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing.  I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up.  The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt.  This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.   

  

He has been distancing himself also.  I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to.  I don't know.  I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him.  Wow.  Relationships are not my strong suit.   

  

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective.  I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part.  Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out.  I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?   

  

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks everyone. 

Teri 

 I totally agree with everyone else about getting back into the relationship. I know I often find myself creating distance as a self-protective measure. It takes me time to realize it isn't protective, but destructive and it hinders honesty. I also agree that the distance you guys are putting between each other may create a feeling of insecurity. That can lead to all kinds of responses where a person is just trying to justify what confused feelings they are having.

I wonder if you might be like me in your feelings as well. Sometimes what I first classify as anger is really a way of protecting myself when I am feeling very frustrated. When I can't find a way to resolve something, or it doesn't come easily, I often slip into anger to have an outlet at the other person or myself. This also takes away from the resolution instead of providing  a path to it. It is so easy for the anger to gain a response that justifies it and creates such a stupid, hellish circle.

I hope you find a good resolution. I know my own life is trying to manage my responses and realize where the truth in me is. It's difficult

Kim
 
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August 30, 2005, 1:22 am PDT

Thanks to everyone who responded about my MIL.

 I had to kick myself after reading the responses. They made me realize that I had not taken into account the fact that she separated from her spouse late last year. Believe it or not, it slipped my mind completely. He was an alchoholic who had fallen off the wagon, but it was him who initiated the separation and it was painful for her. I can understand now why she was acting the way she was and realize she was seeking someone familiar and someone to take care of her. She must be lonely right now and I  know that it probably wasn't something she was aware of, but arose out of a need for comfot.


Thanks,
Kim


 
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August 30, 2005, 7:22 am PDT

Hey everybody

 It's been real, it's been great. I feel like I've made some good friends and benefitted in many ways posting here. I need to branch out into the world and relate to people face to face now. One of the things I need to do is get a job, my youngest will be going to college next year and we would rather not  put that on credit. I won't be able to post as much, but I will be around and drop in from time to time.
Longstory, the hike you told me about looks intriguing, I found it on my topo maps.

 We hiked a canyon close to home last weekend. We ended up going twice as far as first planned and ran out of water. We were dehydrated, hot and dirty, but it was worth it. I'm going to be busy for the next couple of weekends, but after that who knows? If there are aspens that way, it may be a gorgeous hike up to the Crags.

The self discovery goes on. Peace to all.
 
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August 30, 2005, 7:34 am PDT

To everyone a thanks

Lyne, Ritehere, Brenda, Grub48 and Kimbrem, 

  

I want to thank you all for your feedback.  You are all correct, honesty in a relationship is vital, and Grub48, I appreciate the way you described the 4 sides of honesty in a relationship.   

  

I listened pretty hard to my "gut", and I had an epiphany as to why I was feeling this anger.   

  

When my ex-husband and I divorced, he was very angry and possessive.  When he realized I was not going to stay, he started to sabotage my relationships with my family by telling them I was doing drugs.  Now, I don't do drugs and had no intention at the time.  Because of the nature of divorce, I lost some weight during that time.  He used this as a reinforcer for his claim.   

  

This hurt me deeply, as even my own parents believed what he was saying.  I guess I have not recovered from this at all, as even writing about it now brings me to tears.   

  

When I saw the distrust in my boyfriend/mate's eyes, it hurt just like it did with my parents.  I know I wasn't drinking, so I am not hung up on that so much as the distrust.   

  

Once I realized where the feelings were coming from, I was able to open up and talk about them to him.  He understood, and we recognized the distancing and we stopped.  We made special efforts to be closer and spent much of the day just appreciating each other.   

  

As far as the smell, well, I had 2 take and bake pizza's in the back seat that had been rising the whole drive, and had been drinking lemonade, so we think the yeast smell mixed with the lemonade caused a "boozy" odor.   

  

I want to thank everyone for their feedback again, as I don't think I would have handled this near as well without it.  Thanks again! 

Teri 

 
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August 30, 2005, 7:42 am PDT

We seem to know

Quote From: ritehere

 It's been real, it's been great. I feel like I've made some good friends and benefitted in many ways posting here. I need to branch out into the world and relate to people face to face now. One of the things I need to do is get a job, my youngest will be going to college next year and we would rather not  put that on credit. I won't be able to post as much, but I will be around and drop in from time to time.
Longstory, the hike you told me about looks intriguing, I found it on my topo maps.

 We hiked a canyon close to home last weekend. We ended up going twice as far as first planned and ran out of water. We were dehydrated, hot and dirty, but it was worth it. I'm going to be busy for the next couple of weekends, but after that who knows? If there are aspens that way, it may be a gorgeous hike up to the Crags.

The self discovery goes on. Peace to all.

Ritehere, 

  

Our inner voices tell us when it is time to move on, to branch out and push forward.  I do hope you pop in here, as often as you can, as your input and wisdoms have really enriched my way of looking at things.  It is good to practice what we learn while living.  Getting a job is one way to REALLY practice things, as we often get thrown into a mix of personalities that can truly test us...lol.   

  

Thank you for being here and being who you are.  I also really appreciate your love of hiking.  I hope to continue to send things to you when we do a great hike, and maybe someday we can meet in a new place and do a good haul.   

Teri 

 
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August 30, 2005, 4:18 pm PDT

Many thoughts go with you...

Quote From: ritehere

 It's been real, it's been great. I feel like I've made some good friends and benefitted in many ways posting here. I need to branch out into the world and relate to people face to face now. One of the things I need to do is get a job, my youngest will be going to college next year and we would rather not  put that on credit. I won't be able to post as much, but I will be around and drop in from time to time.
Longstory, the hike you told me about looks intriguing, I found it on my topo maps.

 We hiked a canyon close to home last weekend. We ended up going twice as far as first planned and ran out of water. We were dehydrated, hot and dirty, but it was worth it. I'm going to be busy for the next couple of weekends, but after that who knows? If there are aspens that way, it may be a gorgeous hike up to the Crags.

The self discovery goes on. Peace to all.

There are lots of aspen in that area so a fall hike would be very beautiful. I have been there in the fall and there are plenty of wild flowers in the area as well.  

  

New trails open to us that seek them. I hope to catch you on one along the way. Thank you for all your words and travels and pictures that let us vicariously live in the mountains and trails with you.  

  

My thoughts and best wishes go with you. Post when you can and let us know how this new "trail" is going for you. 

  

Om Mani Padme Hum...LS 

 
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