Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Well, I checked out SELF MATTERS' workbook and realized that it wasn't very helpful because it's about me dealing with my past not my current life.   So I decided that I had to do something different -- I really do wonder if those words are going to be on my grave stone!??  Anyway, I thought I would post it so that if anyone who has done Self Matters and has ran into the same problems as me in dealing with patterns, they can give me feedback.

 

MY 5 STEP ACTION PLAN

 

STEP 1: TARGET THE EVENT.  Write a short description of what's going on in my life.

• What am I not doing?
• Am I overeating?
• Not exercising?
• Am I journaling about being lost? derailed?
• Am I telling myself I'm in a LAPSE?

STEP 2: AUDIT MY INTERNAL RESPONSE TO THE EVENT

1. What is the tone of my journaling?  What about the stuff I'm saying to myself? Am I saying stuff that's hurt filled?  Am I wanting to give up?
2. Have I been telling myself I'm hearing a tape; however, I'm unable to sit down and process it out?
3. What am I saying to myself when I'm reflecting on the event (trigger)?
4. What am I saying to myself when I'm not reflection on the event - like when I'm shopping or walking the dogs?
5. What is my perception?  Do I feel like I'm a loser? That I'll never accomplish my goal? Do I want to give up cause I'm derailed big time?
6. Is how I perceive myself and react to this affecting my self-confidence, my believe that I can handle life?

STEP 3:  WHAT AM I SAYING TO MYSELF ABOUT ME?

 

STEP 4: WHAT TAPES AM I IGNORING?

1. What have I been doing that makes me feel I'm derailed or Lapsing?
2. How do I see my behavior?
3. What am I saying to myself about myself?
4. What am I writing about?  Saying to myself?

STEP 5: AM I DEALING WITH AN OLD PATTERN THAT JUST DOESN'T FIT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE?

 

REMEMBER:

 

Life patterns continue until they are acknowledged and the plan works.  When the plan doesn't work, I will get derailed until I pay attention to what I'm saying and doing.

 

I will return to all the patterns that were in my life at that time.

 

When I can come up with a good plan for the next time, I can head it off and continue on my merry way. 

 

Every year, I will return to unclosed patterns -- EVERY YEAR I WILL NEED TO ADDRESS THEM.  Every year, I will create unclosed patterns because I am expanding my horizons and that means doing stuff I've never done before. 

I've spent the last 3 years trying to figure out why my lapses always were so destructive!  Now I got it and it's like my brain is on overdrive!  I've been writing down stuff ... I got post-it notes all thru my calendar to remind me of all the major speed bumps I experienced this year, of stuff I need to address now so that I can stop the craziness going on in my thinking ... like I can't walk the dogs because I don't have my winter wardrobe -- yet, when I do get my hinnie out there, the weather is okay.  So I have to challenge that thinking which has happened over the last 3 years and for the last 3 years I never was able to address it because I kept lapsing big time and then having to spend even more time getting myself back on-track.

 

Anyway, I've been working on it for over 3 years and each time it happened, I managed to do something different ... until I finally got it!!  I can't believe it!!  and then I challenge that thought and I know that I now just have to breathe and trust that I got a good plan that will help to carry me along ... 

  No one knows what I am really like deep inside. I as many people do today wear a mask. A mask that hides all we think and feel inside. We feel we must hide ourselves from the outside world to protect ourselves from the hurt we know life can cause. We place ourselves behind walls of concrete, hoping and praying that nothing will penetrate these walls. For if anything was to actually get through our self-made walls we would actually have to feel something again. People see us as the mask that we wear. They base their judgments of who we are and what we believe on these masks that we wear. I wish that I could have the chance to reveal the real me to my friends.

            To do this, I would first of all I would have to break down this wall, and actually let people in. In this step we would be taking off the mask, so to speak, so that all could see me for what I really am. People wouldn't see the mask that I created to hide my feelings and thoughts.  They would begin to see a human being with real feelings. Not images that were projected to fool those around me.

            Next, I would have to begin telling people what I really think and how I really feel. I would have to let people know of my past and how I have not overcome it just yet. I would have to tell them that I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. Since, healing can't begin until we quit trying to hide the fact that we are hurting. I would have

 

to let people see that even though I seem like I have it all together I don't. I am dying inside for things that I can't have; a family who loves me, peace, and wisdom to know how to get over my past, love for people who should have been there for me and weren't, and finality for past situations that I could not control.

            Thirdly, I would have to admit to people that I am not who they think I am. I am not as strong, as spiritual, or as joyful as I seem. I mask my pain with laughter and smiles, and that can confuse some into thinking that I am one of the happiest people here on campus, when I am probably one of the saddest. It kills me to think of who people believe I am and what I really am. I am nothing, but a soul looking and longing to be in the embrace of his arms. I want his love to fill me and keep me. I need him to help me live without pain. People would also have to know that I, although and Intercultural Studies major, am not as well versed in the bible as many of them. My relationship with God just began here recently, September 12, 2006, to be exact. Many of my friends think that I have been saved all my life seeing as I taught Vacation Bible School and Sunday school. They were misled and I am truly sorry for that. So to present my true self to them I would have to address the issues that they believed about me that was completely wrong.

Lastly, I would have to start the healing process. I would have to let people see me cry and see me "flip out", every once in a while. They would have to see that I really do have problems, just like they do. I would have to be very open about my morals about certain situations, and I would have to open my self up to questions why I lied about who I really was.

 

If anyone is ever to see the real me, I must break down the walls that protect my heart and soul. The best way to present myself is to finally let people see who I really am.

Through building new relationships, and working on old ones, and actually telling people the truth about how I feel. I am so tired of feeling trapped and all alone, because no one knows me. I have blocked myself off from anyone who could have the chance to hurt me, even from my own twin sister. I must now break down the wall, and let someone, anyone in, if anyone is to ever really see who I am. To get over past events, I must first deal with present ones, the false assumptions of my fellow student, when they look upon my mask.

 

I too wrote stuff like you when I first began the journey doing Self Matters ...   I was really afraid about me being up front, telling people, etc.  However, it didn't happen like that for me.  I simply began to make the tiny little steps to changing how I thought, felt, and acted. I worked on becoming PROACTIVE ...  making plans.  Then I had to learn to say NO ... that was hard because I really felt everyone would be mad at me and leave me.  Neat thing is, they all remained.

 

It was when I chose to start changing how I ate and what I ate that I began to lose my friends ... no one feels comfortable with someone who doesn't eat like them! 

 

know that you can tell your story here ..  write whatever and you will be announcing to the world your life story ... however, unless you tell your friends and family our userid, no one will know it's you.  It's a safe place to write, it's a place where you can post and not worry about what people think or say.  We are perfect strangers.  However, as you post and open yourself up to working thru your past .... you will make friends here.

My whole life, I have been the strong one, the brave one, the one that defies limits and is daring . People around me look up  to me because I always tell it like it is, and am brutally honest. I shock and amuse, am told I am good  looking, I have a nice job, a house, a car ,  a husband, 2 kids both my parents and great siblings............

 

All of these things shoulod make me happy, but they do not. I  feel anxious,  rushed, insecure, alone, sad, I have an extreme rage boiling inside me, and I do not know why.  I am haunted by memories some clear, most vage and am not able to put my finger on them. One thing is for sure,  I do not feel strong and brave nor beautiful and honest. I feel weak, hanging on with my fingernails, feel like I am a fraud for not being (able to be) me. I am afraid that if the real me is shown, no one will like me. I couldnt even tell you, if you would torture me WHO I AM?! Am I what others see? what defines ME? Do I? Does my environment? My kids, husband? I honestly don`t know. There  so many question marks I have about myself. So the term " defining your authentic self' is like like an oximoron to me. Any suggestions?

I'm finding out more and more that people put on a mask and then live their lives to it.  Never looking to expose who they truly am. 

 

I'm not sure if doing SELF MATTERS would be good for you to do alone ... I would suggest that you seek an anger management specialst to learn how to deal with your anger.  There's nothing wrong with seeing a specialist or therapist now a days and it would help you so much to expose yourself to your rage and work thru why you have it.

 

I hope this helps.

Hi I often feel that my 'Authentic Self' has been put on hold and to me it seems like a bit of a trade off so I can meet the needs of my children. I am a bit of a wanderer by nature and have never wanted to stay in one place or with one person for very long and lived my life happily like that until I got pregnant at 24. I don't really feel that any particular place is home, just the place that I am happy in for as long as I'm happy then would move on. I wasn't moving on because I was looking for something more it is just a kind of restlessness and a feeling of not wanting to be tied down to a particular person, job, house, etc. My children need stability so I have stayed in the one place for about 12 years now and been with my partner for over 10 years. He's not the biological father of my 3 children, but a wonderfulm loving father to them. I want my children to put down roots and not have to lose friends by my moving around. I have actually considered home schooling so I could just travel around where I want to go when I want to go, but I worry about the effects on their social development. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my children and don't for one minute regret having them. Maybe it's my perception of what a 'Mother' should be and if I did things that I wanted to I wouldn't be a good mother in my own eyes. When I was 15/16 other girls would be so interested in their 'wedding' and talk about what type of dress they wanted to have and it all seemed very foreign to me, to even think about that. Even my ex-husband was not someone I saw myself getting old with. I would try to envisage it but it was just a big blank. I didn't feel that way about anyone until I had been with my current partner for a few years. My partner has wanted us to buy a house together but the thought of being tied down to it makes me get a sick, anxious feeling in my stomach. Does anyone else feel like they are 'trading off' some of their life and living their life in a way that society considers 'normal' when it's not really in your nature or part of your Authentic Self ?

I to feel like I am trading off. Being a mother and a wife is almost like hving a different identity all together. It has nothing to do with you true self. I feel like I am "sacrificing" my authentic self in order to be a good mother and a good partner. Were it left up to me, I would be alone, not staying with one partner for a long period of time. I made choices when I was also 24 that I now more or less regret. Not my kids, I would not want to miss them for anything in the world,  eventhough I have to be honest in saying, if I would have known the impact and strain it would put on my life I probably would have chosen not to have kids. Stain as in worried about the kids, hoping they are okay, wondering if I am a good mother, if they got everything they need, etc etc etc. I makes me crazy.. I want them to have everything they need, and often feel like I am falling short.  I would not be with the partner I have now and would be free.. free of emotional struggle and battle of wills. free of compromises and the struggle of making the relationship work. He is the father of our kids, but I often wonder if it would be easier to be alone with the kids.. As I do everything by myself now anyway..

I too felt that way about parts of my life as a whole ...  I was always looking for the greener pasture .. that maybe if I made the right amount of money or lived a certain way ...  it wasn't until I finally decided to sit down with myself and commit to understanding what drove me ... I was tired of not living my life ... whatever that life turned out to be.

 

Today, I still don't know what my purpose is; however, I'm not longer looking at other pastures for something.  Right now, I'm bringing me to closure on so much UNFINISHED BUSINESS that has driven me to be and act a certain way all my life.

 

I figure that as I finally break thru my old patterns, I'll be able to finally allow myself to explore the other realms ... I've wanted to draw, to perform at dance recitals, to teach ...   I figure that it's a whole world out there that I've put off ..

 

And getting up and moving to another city or place feels to me like I would be running away ... which I sometimes dream of doing ...   running away.

 

That you are giving your kids something you feel uncomfortable with is a sign of unconditional love.  And that your current hubby wants a home ... maybe just get it ... cause once the kids are gone, then he has a permanent place and you can just go ...  your kids would still have their "home" and their dad.  There mom, well, you will be gone and out of their lives.  Are you really sure you want that. To just not belong to the family?

 I think you are confusing your authentic self with a personality that lives it's idea of a perfect life where this person gets to do whatever they want, whenever they want, with whomever they want.

Here's the deal, for better or for worse, things have happened in your life. Some have been through your direct decisions, some have happened to you at the hands of others or by the vagaries of events, the weather, what-have-you. You carry baggage, we all do.

The noticeable difference between those in touch with their authentic selves and those who are not is the way they handle and cope with life's events and problems. Like the bumper says,  _ _it happens.

For instance, you are torn between being a good mother and  your wander-lust.  So what have you done, or what do you plan to do to satisfy both of your desires? Why can't you take summer vacations that include places and experiences that satisfy your itchy foot and take the kids along? Or if you want to go places the kids would rather die than accompany you on, plan those trips for later after they are older. (That's what I and my husband are doing.)

As far as buying a house, there is something about it that bothers you.  Somewhere along the way you have adopted some ideas and beliefs about home ownership. I would suggest you start asking some circular questions of yourself starting like this:
Why am I uncomfortable with the idea of buying a house?
Because I'm (afraid, against, etc) of putting down roots.
And why am I afraid of putting down roots?
Because I'm a restless person.
Why am I a restless person?
Because I've never wanted to live in one place or stay with one person for very long.
And why have I never wanted to....etc etc.

Keep going in this vein until you hit on the personal belief embedded at the bottom of this attitude. A light should come on when you hear yourself say it. When you find it, ask yourself these questions:
1. Where did this idea come from? A past personal experience? Someone else's past personal experience? Is it relevant in any way to what is going on now?
2. Where is the truth in this belief? Can I find absolute proof that I can't be happy settled down with a husband and my kids in a house that we own?
3. Does holding onto this belief harm me in any way,  or keep me from something? Or does it enhance my life and open opportunities for me?
4. Is this belief worth keeping?

These are some of the skills you learn when you read SELF MATTERS, in my opinion the definitive guide on connecting with your authentic self.