Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

To some people, the world to others. 

Yes, I agree that showing is a lot more affective than telling. And I have noticed that my niece has picked up on some things that I do just naturally & she will then do as I do (with her baby I am in reference to); however, with herself & her own personal issues that she has to face, she hasn't picked up on.   

A lot of this I know is simply a maturity thing...like realizing certain things in life have a bigger priority than others; like bills instead of spending her money on a bunch of junk, things like that. Also another maturity issue that I am finding difficult to deal with is she is still playing those teen-age games & she's in her 20's.....lying, cheating, finding ways out of doing something important & making excuses, not wanting to take any of her time to care for the baby's needs when it presents itself & expecting/allowing others to do her dirty work, laziness & not looking for a job, pretending to be sick for attention....basically not growing up.  

My other concern is her well being mentally & emotionally. She has had a very tough life which I do understand is a part of why she acts the way she does to some degree. This child has had a rough life......all of her life! She has been abused physically, sexually, mentally & emotionally since about the age of 2 years old. In all honesty, she has done pretty good considering the challenges she has been dealt in her life. However, she doesn't see the need for professional help...and she sooo needs it. She has been a good girl, as far as staying off of drugs, alcohol, etc. through it all & has a heart bigger than the earth & wouldn't want to hurt a sole....therefore she deserves to have a good life. But I also know (based on my own experiences in life) that she must get help in order to get better. And I don't know how to show her this...only tell her????  

Yes I agree, through my own experiences I have learned all too well that challenges are a part of life & what defines our true self & our strength. In the tough times I have learned the phrase "This too shall pass" which helps in at least getting through a moment of depression & can even get you off the pitty pot, per say.   

I am just faced with helping my niece who definately needs help & in some areas I wonder if I am helping or hindering. I don't want to be an enabler, yet on the other hand she needs love & attention as well. So finding that balance for me is a challenge in itself, let alone the fact that if she is with me I want it to do her some good & actually gain from this oportunity she has right now. I don't want her to leave here....still troubled by these things. I want to help her in any way that I can to better her life. Yet I wonder if she even wants the help. I think deep down she does, but yet many things (issues) get in the way of her actions to get better. I just hope that since I have taken her under my wing, that I can help her.  

I see in your endurance during difficulties as: 

the belief, o be kind,  

 be strong, lo a good will, 

have the time, so continue winding, 

along pathways grinding, 

but eventually, truth for the finding. 

bye for now 

Taemanai 

http://www.paradise-engineering.com/quotation/ 

I think that hope, can most probably be in experiencing the happiness of all perfection, but not for anything but the simple things, that are just perfect. 

Sayooonara, all for now 

Taemanai 

I continually am trying to work up courage to do things, feel things etc.  Old habits, they are more difficult than they appear. 

Self-esteem can drop dramatically, when expectations are just too high. 

Compliments, golly, we are taught to judge much more than is required. 

I'm attempting to not do these old things myself. 

To drop the assumptions, be casual, just really really hard.  Telling yourself, you can only be yourself, not an exact science, this kind of thing, 

Till next interaction, discussion etc., 

Taemanai   

They say a person is far more critical to themselves than to others......I find this to be true for myself a lot. But you're right....I never thought of it that way you put it....."Self-esteem can drop dramatically, when expectations are just too high."....very well said!  

Let's see - If I told you that your behavior was not acceptable - what would your reaction be?  You would get your back up especially if all your life someone has TOLD YOU.   

The approach needed is different --  have you read FAMILY FIRST?  Have you done Self Matters?  Do you see a therapist? 

If you haven't done any of these than, you'll need to look for stuff that will help you to teach her.  Maybe talking to a social worker will help to put you in the right direction. 

Personally, I'm the leader of a support group and it's year 3 and we still haven't seen anyone master all 7 keys of Dr. Phil's book:  WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTIONS - except me.  However, I have started to see some differences in their behaviors because I ASK QUESTIONS.  and you should see their faces when it happens. 

Do you do goal work?  Do you maintain a budget?  Does she see you do it?  

I've seen my friends begin to change because they see that I have committed to something.  That commitment means I seek answers when I hit a wall, that I treat myself kindly when I screw up.   

this maybe a better approach than TELLING HER.