Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Words are in vain.  Thoughts remain.

Talk/words and think next week.  We need both, obviously to understand.  It seems obvious but I've found in communicating on-line I get much better at getting ideas across.  And so can work on other things...

Well I've tried for 2 days now to get past the first page in Chapter 1 .. and I'm unable to.  Last night I actually pulled out my copy of Weight Loss Solutions and tried to match up their Monsters to Dr. Phil's list of the 10 most common thoughts ... it didn't work .. then I was going to see how FEARLESS LIVING by Rhonda Britten fitted in ... and the AHA I got was now when I pick up a self-help book, I'm looking for something that builds upon what I've already mastered.

I scanned the book this morning and realized that I've done all the work on these lies and that I developed my own tools.  Like when I hear the WHAT IF popping up, I actually make myself sit down with my journal and write out what I'm hearing and then allow myself to follow it all out.

CONFLICT, DO DIFFERENT .. I have all sorts of tools I've developed over time on my own because of my journey ... for me Monster Lies is not where I am right now.

HOWEVER, you are so right!  I think that if someone were to get this book early on ... cause I sure wished I had .. the book would help them to name what they were experiencing.  It's too bad we can develop some kind of reading list for others ...  Like tell them what type of self-help book to look for on their journey.

Like how I always recommend those 3 fear books.  Each one builds upon the next with the last one actually being a workbook that helps you to work thru your fears.

Marcia

I read your post to me a few pages back and yes it did make sense to me.

My main problem is that I dont feel like doing the work it takes to get to where I should be going.

I wish there was one book, one pill or one whatever to just be what one wants and not have to do all the work and sift through all of the pain. I have so many self help books and I dread getting another one to sort out my stuff. As far as the book Monster Lies; I looked it up and its quite expensive. Are these people just trying to make money? 

What about the Secret? Should one follow that and everything will be okay? Did you see the woman on Oprah who is using the tools in the Secret to cure her breast cancer? Dont know about that one? I really believe I know what I want yet there are obstacles in my way to get there which I am every day trying to overcome as is my big time of procrastination; yet I do have major accomplishments along the way. They are slow in coming but when I journal them they are there. Like it took me awhile to get away from and deal with legal issues with my abusive ex-husband; but I did it and am still doing it but to a much lesser degree. It took awhile but I did it. For that I am proud of myself. So after that big job which was very emotionally and mentally draining I will focus on the next as they say Big Thing which is finding out what is the best place or way for me to live. Do I want to be with family who are dysfunctional or live in a paradise setting where there is lots to do all of the time and I will have to start over from there.

Also need to find ways to make money but that hopefully will come. What I do know is that on some days when I am down and feeling sorry for myself i think about that Oprah school in Africa. I saw it on t.v. where the people there have to live in a one room shack and have limited water supplies and limited food and have to walk miles to get somewhere. When I remember that I thank God for what I have. Sometimes I turn on the water faucet and say wow; I have water and then I just go from there. I have electric and food and on and on so what do I really have to complain about? There are so many great things in life.

I'm with you there are just so many of them aren't there ... I thought I read or heard that there were over 3000 published in any given year.  And that's just perfect for me because I learn a particular way ... I know that if they don't have exercises or in a workbook format, I'm not going to get it quickly.  However, I've discovered long ago to come up with a goal .. something that I have to focus on practicing .. been doing it for years and years.

For example, when I chose to do the Weight Loss Challenge back in Sep. 03, I was overwhelmed by the pain the book bought me as I read thru it.  I got to Key 3 and was a mess.  I couldn't read or think weight loss when I read it .. I just kept translating weight loss to the abusive work situation I was in.  I was in so much pain that I checked out his Self Matters and just scanned it.  and that didn't help, it just made things worse. Then I joined one of his WLC support groups here and had to re-read the damn book again ... by mid-Jan I was in so much pain I read Llife Strategies from front to back in 1 weekend (yep, 2 days) and was even more screwed up because I was in so much pain and I knew I had to stop the nonsense and do something about it.  It meant I had to work on dealing with my thoughts and I chose to do Self Matters.

I then spent Feb-April reading the book slowly and doing the exercises in the workbook.  Then I chose a goal .. it was between dance and sewing .. I chose something that I could easily make a list of tasks I needed to do.  Sewing won and then I spent the summer with Self Matters as my bible (must have re-read it 4 times that summer) as I practiced Cognitive Therapy on this goal. It allowed me to practice on something that didn't have such an emotional upheavel in my thinking. 

Then I chose to return to Weight Loss Solutions and as I hit areas that bought pain, I sought out another book to help teach me how to deal with what it was.  Like Chapter 2 was goals, I choose Stephen Covey's book "7 Effiiencient Habits of Effective People" and armed with that, I spent the time and energy of practicing learning those new skills. Key 1 & 2 was Self Matters.

Like right now, Key 3, Step 4 and Key 4, Step 3 are about eating behaviors.  I found the book MINDLESS EATING by Dr. Brian Winsock to be an excellent resource for learning how to change my eating behaviors.  I'm on day 21 with not eating after 8 p.m. and day 9 of eating at the table for 3 meals.  I have my next eating behavior all lined up to start on the 23rd.  Eating 3 meals, 2 snacks a day.  It took me 4 months of focusing to get close to closure on my not eating after 8 pm goal.

What I am saying is ... look around you ... you are just as dysfunctional as your family and friends are. And there's no menter or teacher in sight to show you the way ...  it doesn't take long to get yourself to a healthier place, it does take focus, commitment and the knowledge that you have to use those damn self-help books to help you.

Linda & I both recommend doing Self Matters because you learn cognitive behavior techniques -- you learn how to really listen to what you are saying to yourself and begin the slow process of challenging your childhood beliefs that were formed when you didn't understand the world and yet had to.  It was very shocking for me to learn that so many of my childhood beliefs were the main reasons of my dysfunctional life ..

And why do you have to buy any book?  I mean, I highly recommend buying self matters only if you are truly going to commit to doing the process. Otherwise, go to the library and see if they have the book.  Some smaller libraries are linked to bigger ones and they do book transfers.

and for me the magical words that bought my commitment to me was DO I WANT TO BE IN THE SAME PLACE I AM NOW, I A YEAR'S TIME?  And becaus I journal, I knew that it was happening to me every year, I had the same goals, I had the same messed up screwy life.  This is year 4 of my journey .. and I am so thankful that I chose to just concentrate and focus on everything I think and say .. because what's 4 years when I have 30-50 more years to live!  I might have lived dysfunctional for the first 52 years; however, I'm not any longer.  I've broken so many family life patterns. 

its' all a matter of choice.  Where do you want to be a year from now?  living / saying / writing as you are today or being closer to living the life style you've never even imagine living.

p.s. Even with the secret you have to still read those self-help books ... practice living the "thing" you want to change.  It even tells you that .. what it teaches you is that you but need to ask and the teacher, the thing you want will come ...  but you have to believe and that's something even I have problems with .. and I'm working on that every single day!

Thanks for writing. You are sounding like a counselor now and I kind of like that. Have you looked into becoming a counselor? I do have the book self-matters so I will read that one first.

I also have that Stephen Covey book but havent picked it up in a long time. My main focus was just clearing my mind and body of toxins from dealing with the ex and on occasion I still have to do that. The food thing isnt an issue with me but yes I am dysfunctional of course like everyone else. I also check out the library from time to time. I was just wondering why that book monster lies was so expensive? Wow!! I dont want to be in the same place a year from now but I kind of live in the moment because that is all we have; isnt it? I have a friend who constantly lives in the future. All he ever says is next year, two years from now I will be this or have that. Those goals are fine but it prevents him from living in the now and he also has some medical problems. If I were him I would be living every day to the fullest. I know I am not him so I guess it works for him but I get tired of him saying; next year, two years. I say what about now? What are you doing now? Well; I dont even know the kind of life I want to live. I do know that I like being in different places and exploring different avenues and experiencing different cities and other areas besides where I come from. Its not so much even to travel but to just experience a new hobby or new musuem or shopping area. Just that makes me happy.

As far as the food and excercise I work on that every day. Some days when I want to eat a cow I make sure I dont and when I am in a good place I dont mind excercising. The good thing is that I have been into health and health classes forever so that is a  habit that I have and dont need help with that. So you are saying to focus on one goal at a time? That is my major problem I think? I am all over the place in trying to do so many things at once I get overwhelmed and then stop doing everything. Is that a problem? My friends thinks I have add; a very short attention span. Even reading some of my posts dont  make sense and they are all over the place.

I guess it depends on the day and my mood. Thanks

I think many people are diagnosed with ADD or ADHD because they have the inability to focus .. or sit still or whatever.   However, because I was diagnosed with ADD I was able to slowly teach myself how to focus in class rooms while I was at the community college. 

Goal work allows you to learn how to focus .. and you have to have a 1-year, 5-year, and 10-year goals because you have to achieve some sort of results.  For me, I'm just now up to 1-year goals.  I've been working on 6-months.

I find it interesting - your words:  So you are saying to focus on one goal at a time? That is my major problem I think? I am all over the place in trying to do so many things at once I get overwhelmed and then stop doing everything. Is that a problem?   

What do you think?  do you read your problem in your words?   That's why journaling is so helpful .. you will write your truths and you will see them on paper. And posting here helps to because you will ask a question and see your answers as well.

Focusing on just 1 area of your life will bring on all sorts of what I call CATCH UP thoughts. That's because you aren't doing anything because you are overwhelmed and have become paralyzed.  However, you just stick to just the one goal for say 45-days -- that's what I did and it really helped me.

The way I figure it .. I'm not doing anything anyway so if I can just do this one thing for 45-days then I'm doings something and then I'll check in within 30 days to see how I'm doing and whether or not I need to continue working on this goal or do I need a break and then choose another goal.

If you choose to do Self Matters. Then that's the only book you have to read and do the exercises.  If you can finish the reading of the book, then select one area that you can easily write down the tasks.  Like with summer coming and if you do yardwork, and you don't because your paralyzed ... pick that and then listen to yourself.

I'm at that paralyzed place in a few areas of my life ... there's so much I have to do so yesterday as I'm washing dishes, I began to hear me say I WANT TO PUT MY NEW DRAINER UP then it went to wiping off the counters and then to BUT I HAVE TO VACUUM MY FLOORS! which nearly shut me down ... I had to do a little CBT and I did manage to clean off my stove top and while I was doing it I kept wanting to do something else .. it was really hard.  However, I told myself I HAD ENOUGH TIME TO CLEAN OFF MY STOVE AND TO JOURNAL -- I'm in the process of pulling together my personal processes for how I move thru change.  Anyway, as you can see, I do understand how CATCH UP really works ... and CATCH UP is what I named all the feelings and crap that I go thru / experience.

It's not working...  I am slowly stepping back into depression and I feel like I am going to lose my boyfriend... I want attention from him, I always feel like I am annoying him.  If reads the paper, I should not talk to him, he watches TV, if I speak to him, he rolls his eyes and breath out heavily... If I send him email at works, he is annoyed because he is busy... I should not call either unless it's an emergency.  I feel like I am asking too much attention from him but I feel so rejected, it kills me.  It's like I should always be waiting for him to be ready to talk and to do anything...  On Friday night, I asked him why he would not marry... He simply shouted "I am never going to get married".  I asked him what we should do if marriage is an important value for me.  And his response was another shout "I am never going to get married".  Afterwards, I am all upset and he then tells me that I create problems and I have to find a way to be happy since I have such a great life.

Is it true?  am I someone who needs too much attention? Today, I hate myself and all I want is to kill myself.  I feel like such an annoyance and bad person.

I am really fed up with me.  I wish I could be cold and not need affection nor attention from him... I wish I could be happy with him not being there for me.  I wish I could be more independant I guess....

I am just so fed up.