Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

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September 13, 2005, 7:17 am PDT

Understood and accepted

Quote From: enzymbia

Hi everone,

I've been following the messageboard for a few weeks now, but this is my first message. I found Dr Phil's book Self Matters in February 2005, but must say to my own disappointment that I haven't gotten through it yet. I'm still stuck on chapter two after rereading and rereading and rereading. Sometimes I get to chapter 4 before giving up. I've never been good at goalwork, nor does this "set your life on projekt status"-thing seem to work on me. I just don't understand it!

I think my problem is that I'm THINKING too much, because I know that my brain is CONSTANTLY working and that it's exhausting me to no end. My happiest moments in life can be pinned down to those few times when I don't think, all during the last year. What I notice about my thinking is that it's like I'm putting words on the thought I had half a second before... Doesn't that sound tiresome to you?

Sometimes I feel like I need a huge wake-up call, someone to shout and shake me, but if my Father's death (12th of June 2005) didn't help, what will? I do recognize loads and loads of thing with myself that I've been told ("You're so clumsy!", "Look at your handwriting!", "Do you have to make me unhappy?", etc) and I KNOW I'm not living the life I want to live. It's not mine! It's like I'm living to please my Mum. I've been told that I have an obsession with my Mum, and before that my Father too (Ever heard "everybody loves you when you're dead"? It's true!), and I have to agree. I went to see a dietist last week - and when I got there I realized it wasn't I who was supposed to be there, it was Mum.

I just want to live. I want to be free. I want to be me. I want to tell my mother to sodd off, I want to tell my littlesister that it's okay to cry, I want to hit the idiot who ruined my childhood, and I want to scream at my Father because he didn't behave like a Father would. I want to ask people to leave me alone, I recently moved away from my hometown and now people seem to think I'm somekind of shelter that they can go to everytime they're going south.

... I'm just so sick of my life (and I hate myself for having been able to make that sentence for months, yet doing basically nothing) ...

Hope you can understand and excuse my whining,
Enzymbia.

Enzymbia,

I am one of those people who will start many things in life and finish very few. Putting my life on "Project Status" was a very difficult thing to do. I have every intention of following through with things, yet I do get distracted easily. One thing that has helped me is becoming more busy. The more I have to do, the better I structure my time, thus I make time for the project status of my life. I dedicate at least 1 hour a day to my personal growth. I try to work out every day, and I try to better my intellect in some form. Now, I am not always successful. In fact, I can really flake out on myself at times...and others...and I am tired of doing this. I want to follow through with a commitment. School has been the best thing for me there. I have followed through and it has paid off for me in that regard.

I cannot imagine how frustrating your thought process are! It sounds as if your mind is going Round Robin all day and night with nothing to slow it down. Maybe meditation? Maybe forcing yourself to direct your thoughts? I am sure you have tried many things...

If the things you want in your life are not happening, only you can really change it, yet you know that already. You may need that proverbial hand holding to encourage you to go towards your goals and dreams with peace, instead of anger.

The ears here always listen, and sometimes the "mouths" attached speak back, yet it is with loving intent and absolute acceptance.

Teri

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ritehere

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September 13, 2005, 7:50 am PDT

Thanks Teri

Quote From: teri_id

Sometimes it takes drama in the form of poetry to help us visualize what we, in good common sense, already know. I really like what you shared, Ritehere. It is appreciated.

I love your photos. I especially like how you drew a parallel with the Independence photo and your prior view of the world. And the mountain photo, well, WOW! The colors are starting to turn, and when we were at Palisades near the Tetons, there would be spots of bright orange and deep read on the mountain scattered among the evergreens like sparks in the dark. I love this time of year, harvesting, the changing seasons. This is the time of year I tend to feel my most energetic.

There is beauty everywhere we look, even in the midst of the Urban Jungle, there is beauty. Thank you for sharing your beauty with us.

Teri

I read that poem and had a "Wow!" moment. This process we've all undertaken is not new, or unique to any culture.
So far, I'm learning patience and persistence. Seems my lack of employment over the past few years, (and my age maybe?) is a stumbling block. I think I may try volunteer work for awhile, Brenda has inspired me. And I know there is a great need for that.
You will be off to school again soon. You must keep in touch with us.

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ritehere

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September 13, 2005, 8:00 am PDT

Enzymbia,

Quote From: enzymbia

Hi everone,

I've been following the messageboard for a few weeks now, but this is my first message. I found Dr Phil's book Self Matters in February 2005, but must say to my own disappointment that I haven't gotten through it yet. I'm still stuck on chapter two after rereading and rereading and rereading. Sometimes I get to chapter 4 before giving up. I've never been good at goalwork, nor does this "set your life on projekt status"-thing seem to work on me. I just don't understand it!

I think my problem is that I'm THINKING too much, because I know that my brain is CONSTANTLY working and that it's exhausting me to no end. My happiest moments in life can be pinned down to those few times when I don't think, all during the last year. What I notice about my thinking is that it's like I'm putting words on the thought I had half a second before... Doesn't that sound tiresome to you?

Sometimes I feel like I need a huge wake-up call, someone to shout and shake me, but if my Father's death (12th of June 2005) didn't help, what will? I do recognize loads and loads of thing with myself that I've been told ("You're so clumsy!", "Look at your handwriting!", "Do you have to make me unhappy?", etc) and I KNOW I'm not living the life I want to live. It's not mine! It's like I'm living to please my Mum. I've been told that I have an obsession with my Mum, and before that my Father too (Ever heard "everybody loves you when you're dead"? It's true!), and I have to agree. I went to see a dietist last week - and when I got there I realized it wasn't I who was supposed to be there, it was Mum.

I just want to live. I want to be free. I want to be me. I want to tell my mother to sodd off, I want to tell my littlesister that it's okay to cry, I want to hit the idiot who ruined my childhood, and I want to scream at my Father because he didn't behave like a Father would. I want to ask people to leave me alone, I recently moved away from my hometown and now people seem to think I'm somekind of shelter that they can go to everytime they're going south.

... I'm just so sick of my life (and I hate myself for having been able to make that sentence for months, yet doing basically nothing) ...

Hope you can understand and excuse my whining,
Enzymbia.

Sometimes it helps to read a chapter all the way through, get it firmly in mind what is expected in the exercise, then just "let it come" for a week or so. Sometimes we are stuck in such denial and camouflage, and the real root of our perceptions are buried under so many layers of deflection and self-talk, that it takes time to surface. Meditation can be a good practice to undertake to help with the process. I found mindless, menial tasks to be helpful, like weeding the yard, or cleaning house. I would not listen to music while doing chores, but make a concious effort to keep my mind quiet and open.
(Sorry if that sounds too weird for you, I can't explain it any better.) It's usually in these quiet states that I would have a memory, or an insight as to a new way of looking at a situation, and a piece of the puzzle would fall into place.
I was actually glad to hear you say that you are sick of your life, that's where it starts. You NEED that motivation to get going.
My very best to you. Come back and let us know how it's going.

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mousey

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September 13, 2005, 8:40 am PDT

Authentic Self- What's that?

What is that? Every time I hear Dr. Phil say that I wonder. I dont even know who I am most day's. It seems I am so many different people. I have to be one kind of person for my Mother, one for my Husband (still haven't got that one right), one for the people I work with, one for my friends... Who am I? I know I have changed alot over the years but if asked who my authentic self is, well I couldn't answer. I hate it but I feel I have to hide the way I really feel or think from the people I care about and the people I deal with everyday. I wonder what they would think if they knew I just want them to shut up and leave me alone. I just feel like I want to sleep untill it's all over. I dont want to deal with there problems when I cant even deal with my own. Is my authentic self the person who is angry all the time? Angry because I work my butt off, never get enough sleep, spend all my time trying to make everyone else happy and still cant. Angry when I see people who dont work or care about others get a new house or car? Angry because no matter how hard I work or how much I care I will never be able to get those things? Is my Authentic self the person who is shy and unsure? The person who cant stand to see bad things happen to old people,children or animals without bursting into tears? The one who just wants her family to be happy together and not fight anymore? Does this person want to much?

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enzymbia

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September 13, 2005, 9:19 am PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Thank you all for your kind answers!

Marcia: I've followed your posts and the sewing-thing seems to have been such a great choise for you! I'll try find that book at the local libary, and when I've read it I'll surely be back for more booktips. I love reading and learning!

Teri: I'll try meditation again, I've tried it before, though not regulary during a long time. When it comes to my thinking process I have tried "doing movements (like walking) and suddenly stopping" (don't ask where I got that from!), but as far as I know the only thing that helps is "just stopping" (which is the line I hear the most in my life, I think. Everything can apparently be helped by that... But I never got around it. What - just stopping?) These moments of "just stopping" seem to happen randomly and after a day or at most a week the world "kicks in" again and I'm back to this hell...

Ritehere: I must say that I love your posts and that you're a huge inspiration for me. One of your beautiful pictures is now hanging over my bed.

As for the one that suggested reading the book cover to cover (I forget so easily), I've tried doing that. Thing is, when I get to chapter four, it all just blurrs for me and I can't grasp any of it! What is the point of reading if I can't understand it? I also notice that I have to really, really, really hyperfocus on what Dr Phil is saying, because my mind wanders off all the time. I can come back from these "space outs" and realize I turned several pages without understanding a...!

I somehow think I'm stuck in self-help hell and have therefore stopped reading anything that isn't Dr Phil, regular litterature, or Jane Roberts...

Once again, thank you so much for excisting. I will be returning to be board back and forth, because I get so much stregth from all of you.

- Enzymbia.

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ritehere

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September 13, 2005, 9:45 am PDT

According to the Doc,

Quote From: mousey

What is that? Every time I hear Dr. Phil say that I wonder. I dont even know who I am most day's. It seems I am so many different people. I have to be one kind of person for my Mother, one for my Husband (still haven't got that one right), one for the people I work with, one for my friends... Who am I? I know I have changed alot over the years but if asked who my authentic self is, well I couldn't answer. I hate it but I feel I have to hide the way I really feel or think from the people I care about and the people I deal with everyday. I wonder what they would think if they knew I just want them to shut up and leave me alone. I just feel like I want to sleep untill it's all over. I dont want to deal with there problems when I cant even deal with my own. Is my authentic self the person who is angry all the time? Angry because I work my butt off, never get enough sleep, spend all my time trying to make everyone else happy and still cant. Angry when I see people who dont work or care about others get a new house or car? Angry because no matter how hard I work or how much I care I will never be able to get those things? Is my Authentic self the person who is shy and unsure? The person who cant stand to see bad things happen to old people,children or animals without bursting into tears? The one who just wants her family to be happy together and not fight anymore? Does this person want to much?

"When you feel that you are exactly where you should be, doing what you were meant to do, and with exactly the right people. When you have an unshakable understanding of your own self worth, and you trust yourself. When there's no room in your life for fear or anxiety or self-doubt. You are living fully in the present moment, yet you have a sense of optimism, an expectation that tomorrow is going to be just as interesting and gratifying as today. Your own life is the most interesting one you know, and you can't wait to see what will happen next. You accept yourself for who and what you are, which is a kind of bullet-proofing from the judgments of others. Because you feel so good about yourself, so self-determined and in control, you couldn't care less about what others think about you. You matter, not in a selfish way, but in a confident way. Without judgment you are proud of yourself and walk with a sense of pride and self-assurance. Your not sure what the future will bring, but you are sure that you can handle it." -from SELF MATTERS

In short, your authentic self is in ascendancy when you are doing what works, and doing what matters.

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marcia52

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September 13, 2005, 4:08 pm PDT

Everyone seems to get stuck in Chap 4

Quote From: enzymbia

Thank you all for your kind answers!

Marcia: I've followed your posts and the sewing-thing seems to have been such a great choise for you! I'll try find that book at the local libary, and when I've read it I'll surely be back for more booktips. I love reading and learning!

Teri: I'll try meditation again, I've tried it before, though not regulary during a long time. When it comes to my thinking process I have tried "doing movements (like walking) and suddenly stopping" (don't ask where I got that from!), but as far as I know the only thing that helps is "just stopping" (which is the line I hear the most in my life, I think. Everything can apparently be helped by that... But I never got around it. What - just stopping?) These moments of "just stopping" seem to happen randomly and after a day or at most a week the world "kicks in" again and I'm back to this hell...

Ritehere: I must say that I love your posts and that you're a huge inspiration for me. One of your beautiful pictures is now hanging over my bed.

As for the one that suggested reading the book cover to cover (I forget so easily), I've tried doing that. Thing is, when I get to chapter four, it all just blurrs for me and I can't grasp any of it! What is the point of reading if I can't understand it? I also notice that I have to really, really, really hyperfocus on what Dr Phil is saying, because my mind wanders off all the time. I can come back from these "space outs" and realize I turned several pages without understanding a...!

I somehow think I'm stuck in self-help hell and have therefore stopped reading anything that isn't Dr Phil, regular litterature, or Jane Roberts...

Once again, thank you so much for excisting. I will be returning to be board back and forth, because I get so much stregth from all of you.

- Enzymbia.

Enzymbia - don't worry if you aren't getting it. You won't until you read the entire book - it's all 1 process -- he starts off with asking you to remember moments. Don't do more than what he asks you to do in the book.

The one thing I finally got about FEAR is that right before I take a step forward it will raise it's ugly little head. The worse FEAR feels, the bigger that step is. Think about it this way, when you get to Chapter 4, you feel such dread, anxiety, shame, FEAR -- it means that you have reached a mid-point. I had to write and name what I was feeling.

I got FLYING from O Magazine article about mantras. When I come to the edge of all I have known and I am about to step into darkness, 1 of 2 things will happen: Either there will be something solid for me to stand on or I WILL BE TAUGHT TO FLY. Eventually, those words became FLYING.

And get yourself a meditation tape/cd -- one that walks you thru a nice relaxation process. I do mine at bed time - it helps me sleep.

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ritehere

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September 13, 2005, 7:53 pm PDT

A moment of compassion...

One of our own, Lynn618, has had a great loss today. On the heels of her ongoing stress with her husbands' health concerns, a dear friend lost his life in an auto accident this afternoon. I know many of you don't know Lynn as she doesn't post much any more, but please pause a moment today and give her your thoughts. We are all here, in this journey together, and hers is taking tragic paths of late. May we all give her our strength and prayers. Bless you Lynn, my friend.

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enzymbia

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September 14, 2005, 12:33 am PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: marcia52

Enzymbia - don't worry if you aren't getting it. You won't until you read the entire book - it's all 1 process -- he starts off with asking you to remember moments. Don't do more than what he asks you to do in the book.

The one thing I finally got about FEAR is that right before I take a step forward it will raise it's ugly little head. The worse FEAR feels, the bigger that step is. Think about it this way, when you get to Chapter 4, you feel such dread, anxiety, shame, FEAR -- it means that you have reached a mid-point. I had to write and name what I was feeling.

I got FLYING from O Magazine article about mantras. When I come to the edge of all I have known and I am about to step into darkness, 1 of 2 things will happen: Either there will be something solid for me to stand on or I WILL BE TAUGHT TO FLY. Eventually, those words became FLYING.

And get yourself a meditation tape/cd -- one that walks you thru a nice relaxation process. I do mine at bed time - it helps me sleep.

Thank you for your calming words, Marcia. I decided yesterday that I will spend a month with learning to calm my mind, using the Yin&Yang-symbol as a focus point. If there's something I wish to achieve it's balance and what better then Yin&Yang?

Would you please explain for me what a mantra is? I've heard and read about it before, but haven't really gotten into it.

You pointed out exactly what I'm feeling when I come to chapter four! I get so lost, thinking "I can't do this" and "What will happen if...", then I get angry with myself because I am scared. I have thought long and hard about these defining moments, and yet I can't find more then four. One of those moments is a moment that changed my life, yet I can hardly remember it. Somehow, I get scared I'll pinpoint the wrong moments. There's always that fear about doing something wrong.

I suspect that I'm ranting now, so I'll go make breakfast instead.

Blessed be and I will pray for Lynn. She does seem to be an Angel, just like the rest of you.

- Enzymbia.

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teri_id

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September 14, 2005, 6:45 am PDT

trying new ways

Quote From: ritehere

I read that poem and had a "Wow!" moment. This process we've all undertaken is not new, or unique to any culture.
So far, I'm learning patience and persistence. Seems my lack of employment over the past few years, (and my age maybe?) is a stumbling block. I think I may try volunteer work for awhile, Brenda has inspired me. And I know there is a great need for that.
You will be off to school again soon. You must keep in touch with us.

I like your idea of doing some volunteer work. I know people who have not held a job for a while find it difficult to get a job. If your resume shows volunteer work, then employers may be more apt to look at hiring you. I know school has actually boosted my resume.

Thank goodness I can check in here in the mornings on my "way" to school. My schooling is done distance learning over the computer. It is challenging, yet at the same time, I am learning. The summer break has been nice, though.

Good luck in the job/volunteer search!

Teri

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Message Boards

Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Understood and accepted

Thanks Teri

Enzymbia,

Authentic Self- What's that?

Defining Your Authentic Self

According to the Doc,

Everyone seems to get stuck in Chap 4

A moment of compassion...

Defining Your Authentic Self

trying new ways