Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

my turning point came in the early 90's when I went to do tests to be in a Manic Depression study for a new med.  I became really manic because I was taking a big step in me getting a handle on my illness.  At the end of the tests, I met with this doctor who told me:

 

I WOULD KNOW WHEN TO ADMIT MYSELF.

 

And that led to other questions:  How would I know?  When would I know?  and most importantly ... IF I KNEW, then there has to be signs for me to notice so I could stop me from moving into a manic or depressive epsiode. 

 

It became my healing mantra ... all I have to figure out is  HOW, WHAT, WHEN ....

 

I stay away from WHY because that just takes me internally and leads to no where.

I moved here on 12/12/97 and I'm not sure I did yard work the 1st year ... I simply got lost in my thoughts ... I attempted it in 05 - but it overwhelmed me.  Did it again last year ... and the yard won.

 

This year, I'm doing so much better.  I have memories from last year's attempt.  I've accomplished more this year because the garden is finally mulched out. 

 

Today, I spent 35 minutes out there, got 1 bag of weeds accomplished.  I only cleaned 1 berry bush. still have 1 more and a tree PLUS about 2' of weeded section -- which by the way, some of which is taller than me!!

 

Getting lost and having to relearn skills takes time and I've not found a written book that helps one to find their way back.  I'm having to piece it together .. to figure out what works for me. 

 

Like my flowchart I wrote up yesterday morning.  I'm writing down my thoughts, my feelings, and how much I've accomplished.  I'm not sure I'm going to be able to work out in the yard tomorrow, I got a full calendar again.   However, I have Thursday morning and Friday!  and Sunday too!!

 

I figure it's going to take me some time to work thru the mess.

 

the anxieties are from me having thought about it for so long.  It's become an obsession and then it overwhelms me.  It's just another CONNECT-THE-DOT type of thing really.

 As you may know, I've moved 1200 miles from Denver Colorado. (I'm sorry, I should have converted that to km?) Anyway, it's a very long way.  It was very difficult saying goodbye to my children, grandchildren, and everybody else. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I fell into some old habits of emotional eating instead of coping with the stress in more productive ways. But this time I didn't let it get out of hand.
We've been here for about a month now, and I'm lonely, but doing well. My first thought upon getting settled in was to join some sort of exercise class.  The next day a card inviting me to a 21-day test at a local gym came in the mail. Not just any exercise place either, but one just for women, just what I wanted!  (Is it the law of attraction at work?) 
So, I'm getting out of the house and meeting others in addition to losing the weight I've gained.
After a bit I may see what kind of adult continuing education classes this city has to offer.
On the weekends my husband and I explore the area to see if we'd like to locate permanently somewhere else. (He has a sales territory and can live anywhere within it.) So the last 2 weekends we have driven north into Michigan. I have to say that I have never smelled such wonderful air as the atmosphere around Bay City, MI. A combination of all the fresh water around it and the flowers blooming I think. It smelled better than Hawaii did, and that's saying something!  I couldn't get enough of it and made my husband roll down the windows of the car and turn off the air conditioning, even though it was hot.

I totally agree that to ask why leads nowhere. This is why I mention your WAY OF handling it to patient's of mine: It's very inspirational. I hope you don't mind, since I don't mention where I got the information from.

 

I've recently learned that I am responsible for myself and that other people are responsible for their feelings and way of handling themselves. Other people are responsible for how they choose to take boundaries that I choose to have. It has taken me some time not to feel guilty for having boundaries.

 

Feliss

It's great that you could stop and see what you were doing (over-eating) and than take action. In Cognitive behavioural therapi, one resercher here in Sweden, advice people to Stop Observe (their thoughts or actions/responses) and to Accept and than to Let go =SOAL. Does this make sense.

 

I personally love the flowers and its smell. I'm glad that you've found this areas. I like your nature in USA, a lot of places in your country has beautiful scenary.

 

My mother is visiting her sisters in the stat Washington as I write this. I'm planning to go next year.

 Yes, that is what Dr Phil teaches us too! You have to acknowledge and accept your thoughts and behaviors, then "own" them, (they are what you do, but is it working for you?) If they don't work, then let them go and change them.

I used to live in Washington state when I was 11-12 years old. The place I lived at there did not smell so good as it had a paper mill, but it was a lovely place for a child. There were deep woods that we played in all day, and we rode our bicycles miles and miles!

The one thing I've learned is that "unknown" stress will trigger me overeating (so does the stress I experienced yesterday, but that's another story).  You have learned to see it sooner .. no more months down the road.  And you quickly pulled yourself up.  GOOD GIRL!!!  I'm so proud of you.

 

And yes, that notice coming in the mail was exactly what you needed!  Don't forget to check out the local rec centers too!! 

 

I suggest that you spend time checking out all 4 seasons.   Some areas have really bad winters ...  and wait until you see the change of seasons!!  They actually do bus trips around here to see the leaves change their colors ... it's what I missed when I lived out in Nebraska.

Feliss, I'm so proud of you about the boundaries ... I know that I felt like you ... then I slowly began to see that no matter how much I was there for people, they simply will live their own lives. Live to their tapes.  Right now, it's gotten me a little weirded out ... I've never here before and I'm not sure how to act just yet.  What if I say the wrong thing?  WHat if?   The good thing is I'm just going to  continue to explore this new level and whatever mistakes I make won't be caught by others cause they are living to their painful patterns.  Kinda amazing -- now I can understand how Dr. Phil can sit on stage and grasp what's going on so quickly!

 

No I don't mind, I picked up the WHY thing from someone / someplace else.   When I read it / heard it I realized that I had not been asking WHY anymore. That I'm living with WHAT, HOW, WHEN.

 The reason you need to avoid the "why" questions is because it will bog you down in excuses and blaming. It's a trap.

I have held a steady job for 4 years, now.  I have learned so much and made so many new friends.  I've come so far, but then my illness had to rear it's ugly head, and I am off work due to med leave.  I have no income coming in and fighting with the state for assistance.  I just feel totally humiliated and don't know who I am anymore