Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I know that I'm uncomfortable with the homemaker role.  I can keep a home with the best of them.  I would even dare say I'm a bit above average in the cooking and ironing department.  I miss part of my old self.  I miss my calendar filled with activities.  I still have activities.  We do family activities; swimming at the lake, visiting a farm, the History Museum, the zoo, the movies, fingerpaints, playdates and of course I hit all the consignment shops.  Got to stretch a dime these days with the rising gas prices.

I guess I miss grown-up time.  Most of my friends moved to larger cities; New York, California, Georgia... They're all gone.  They're getting their MA degrees and have their exciting careers.  Phone conversations have turned to me listening more and more and saying less and less.  Only a few of my friends are married with children.  Again, states away.  I make it a priority to stay in touch with those friends, since we have so much in common.  We grow together.  We can really share with one another. 

I do miss working outside the home.  Actually, I told my husband just today that I wanted to work outside the home again. Maybe casemanagement or social work.  He seemed very supportive.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Then, after dinner he whispered, "Let's have another baby."   And I thought, What? Did you not listen to me this morning. But, what I said was, "O.K."  I really don't mind.  Our daughter would love a younger sister or brother.   I still intend on establishing a career outside the home.  One of my friends, suggested that I obtain a MA degree online in order to beef up my resume'.  Gaps in work periods isn't that attractive; at least, that's what I've heard.  It's an idea. 

There are a lot of benefits to me working outside the home again.  My husband wouldn't feel the stress of being the only income in the household.  We would most probably have a better health insurance package.  Non-profit agencies can't offer competitive pay but they have great insurance packages.  We could purchase a larger home, so Mom can finally retire and begin to enjoy life.  Although, knowing Mom she would still work part-time.  She loves the people she works with, and she really cares about her clients.  Most importantly, I would have more grown-up time.  I would be working with adults, discussing adult matters and hopefully having some adult fun.   

Melodie Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Caring for Yourself

Pia Mellody, Facing Dodependence:  What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our Lives

You can get more information on Amazon.com. 

Honestly, my family therapist, Carolyn, copied important chapters and magazine articles she wanted me to read on codependency.  She highlighted really important parts.  My codependent behavior comes from be raised by parents with severe drug addiction. 

I was working at a drug rehibilitation center specifically for women who were pregnant.  Our grants and research centered around getting drug addicted mothers off the streets and providing inpatient care with a nurse practitioner, psychologist, therapist, social worker, casemanager and an educational program ran by licensed therapists.  A majority of our clients were homeless, prostitutes or women who were pregnant and in jail. I was working at the drug rehabilitation center when I was pregnant.  I worked up until the day I delivered my daughter. 

I wasn't prepared for the flashbacks.  I was experiencing anxiety and overwhelming emotions.  I found that my plate was full, and I simply had no more desire to carry on with my codependent behavior.  I seemed to gravitate toward people, friends, that had such messed up lives.  They made such bad choices and were emotionally bankrupt.  I really loved them, and I knew they could be happy, but I didn't know how to help them.  Carolyn taught me why I was drawn to such people, and why I couldn't have normal relationships. 

My husband was the first normal person I had met, or dated, in quite some time. He was the opposite of everything I had ever known, and that's why I knew he was good for me.  It was so refreshing to be around someone that didn't need a counselor, social worker or casemanager.  In fact, he's been my counselor over the years.  I recall a few months after we met, he asked why all my friends were crazy.  I just laughed, but really it's not funny.

I have a close friend right now that is in a horrible marriage.  It's verbally, mentally and physically abusive, and I've tried everything I know to help her.  Finally, I was honest with her.  I said, "If you continue down this path, you're going to loose everything, including yourself."  It didn't phase her.  She'll never divorce him.  The only way this marriage will end is if he divorces her and moves to another state or if he kills her.  He's threatened it.  It was hard for me to let go.  I have to let her live her own life.  She's the one making it a hard life to live.  I have no power in her marriage.  It's gotten to the point where I've asked her to not share certain things with me.  It's depressing and there's nothing I can do to help her.  I know it seems cold hearted, but I'm trying to establish my boundaries to keep myself and my family healthy. 

Olivia

Before this goes any further, you need to speak to your husband about another child. Your feelings of being tied down and envious of your old friends are legitimate and should be examined. Also, if your husband truly wants another child, likewise his feelings should be brought forth and discussed.

Do you see what you are doing? Your INNER reaction was to be irritated or offended, thinking that he was brushing aside your desire to go back to work.  Your OUTER reaction was to say "OK". But then you related the incident here and listed pros and cons.

When an incident like this comes up, we must practice confronting it while the issue is small. Any feelings you have in regards to why your husband whispered that he wants another baby are you're interpretations only, and are very possibly erroneous. He may have been kidding, he may be testing you to see how serious you are about working, or he may have forgotten that you mentioned working. Or, like Marcia says, he may be afraid of change. The thing is, you'll never know speculating about it here with us.

Another reason you should discuss it with him is because if you don't, you will add another stone of self pity onto your pile and nourish it along with others in the pile.

Dealing with possible confrontation or disagreements when they come up keeps issues small and negative feelings from forming and festering. This is a cornerstone of good communication, it is referred to as "slaying the monster while it's small."

Remember, you and your husband are a team, but if you are feeling manipulated, the lines of communication are down.

Compassion is a wonderful virtue, and it seems you have plenty to spare. What you think of as cold hearted is nothing of the kind. It's very possible that you are not equipped to handle her husband should she turn to you for help. Giving her the names and phone numbers of those that are trained and ready to act might be the best thing you can do for her. She may think she's protecting you by not accepting your help. There comes a time when you have to admit that you are not the one with the skills.

Keep reading SELF MATTERS, you are doing well because you are beginning to recognise patterns and pitfalls within yourself.

Like the good doc says, "You can't change what you don't acknowedge."

And you know, your friends aren't crazy, they are just on a different level of the learning curve that is life.

Melodie Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Caring for Yourself

Pia Mellody, Facing Dodependence:  What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our Lives

You can get more information on Amazon.com. 

Honestly, my family therapist, Carolyn, copied important chapters and magazine articles she wanted me to read on codependency.  She highlighted really important parts.  My codependent behavior comes from be raised by parents with severe drug addiction. 

I was working at a drug rehibilitation center specifically for women who were pregnant.  Our grants and research centered around getting drug addicted mothers off the streets and providing inpatient care with a nurse practitioner, psychologist, therapist, social worker, casemanager and an educational program ran by licensed therapists.  A majority of our clients were homeless, prostitutes or women who were pregnant and in jail. I was working at the drug rehabilitation center when I was pregnant.  I worked up until the day I delivered my daughter. 

I wasn't prepared for the flashbacks.  I was experiencing anxiety and overwhelming emotions.  I found that my plate was full, and I simply had no more desire to carry on with my codependent behavior.  I seemed to gravitate toward people, friends, that had such messed up lives.  They made such bad choices and were emotionally bankrupt.  I really loved them, and I knew they could be happy, but I didn't know how to help them.  Carolyn taught me why I was drawn to such people, and why I couldn't have normal relationships. 

My husband was the first normal person I had met, or dated, in quite some time. He was the opposite of everything I had ever known, and that's why I knew he was good for me.  It was so refreshing to be around someone that didn't need a counselor, social worker or casemanager.  In fact, he's been my counselor over the years.  I recall a few months after we met, he asked why all my friends were crazy.  I just laughed, but really it's not funny.

I have a close friend right now that is in a horrible marriage.  It's verbally, mentally and physically abusive, and I've tried everything I know to help her.  Finally, I was honest with her.  I said, "If you continue down this path, you're going to loose everything, including yourself."  It didn't phase her.  She'll never divorce him.  The only way this marriage will end is if he divorces her and moves to another state or if he kills her.  He's threatened it.  It was hard for me to let go.  I have to let her live her own life.  She's the one making it a hard life to live.  I have no power in her marriage.  It's gotten to the point where I've asked her to not share certain things with me.  It's depressing and there's nothing I can do to help her.  I know it seems cold hearted, but I'm trying to establish my boundaries to keep myself and my family healthy. 

Olivia

Melodie Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Caring for Yourself

Pia Mellody, Facing Dodependence:  What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our Lives

You can get more information on Amazon.com. 

Honestly, my family therapist, Carolyn, copied important chapters and magazine articles she wanted me to read on codependency.  She highlighted really important parts.  My codependent behavior comes from be raised by parents with severe drug addiction. 

I was working at a drug rehibilitation center specifically for women who were pregnant.  Our grants and research centered around getting drug addicted mothers off the streets and providing inpatient care with a nurse practitioner, psychologist, therapist, social worker, casemanager and an educational program ran by licensed therapists.  A majority of our clients were homeless, prostitutes or women who were pregnant and in jail. I was working at the drug rehabilitation center when I was pregnant.  I worked up until the day I delivered my daughter. 

I wasn't prepared for the flashbacks.  I was experiencing anxiety and overwhelming emotions.  I found that my plate was full, and I simply had no more desire to carry on with my codependent behavior.  I seemed to gravitate toward people, friends, that had such messed up lives.  They made such bad choices and were emotionally bankrupt.  I really loved them, and I knew they could be happy, but I didn't know how to help them.  Carolyn taught me why I was drawn to such people, and why I couldn't have normal relationships. 

My husband was the first normal person I had met, or dated, in quite some time. He was the opposite of everything I had ever known, and that's why I knew he was good for me.  It was so refreshing to be around someone that didn't need a counselor, social worker or casemanager.  In fact, he's been my counselor over the years.  I recall a few months after we met, he asked why all my friends were crazy.  I just laughed, but really it's not funny.

I have a close friend right now that is in a horrible marriage.  It's verbally, mentally and physically abusive, and I've tried everything I know to help her.  Finally, I was honest with her.  I said, "If you continue down this path, you're going to loose everything, including yourself."  It didn't phase her.  She'll never divorce him.  The only way this marriage will end is if he divorces her and moves to another state or if he kills her.  He's threatened it.  It was hard for me to let go.  I have to let her live her own life.  She's the one making it a hard life to live.  I have no power in her marriage.  It's gotten to the point where I've asked her to not share certain things with me.  It's depressing and there's nothing I can do to help her.  I know it seems cold hearted, but I'm trying to establish my boundaries to keep myself and my family healthy. 

Olivia

Our funiture is being delivered to the new house tomarrow.

My rootlessness is now officially over.

It's going to feel great to sleep in my own bed again!