Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

My mother has turned out to be not REALLY all that different from her own mother and my mothers mother was the Queen of Narcissists! That woman just LOVED watching the feathers fly when she set people up. She was power hungry and would try and damage relationships for her own personal amusement. My Maternal Grandmother would LIE even when there just didnt seem to be a really big gain in doing that. The most notable difference between my mother and her mother was that my grandmother was more overt, non-passive in her approach to acting out her pathology, she would never have feigned illness or made up excuses for her behavior-which my mother does.

Also, for a very long time the folks around my mother thought that helping her meant accommodating ANYTHING she insisted that they do for her and/or that she said she just HAD to do, that disrupted their lives. So for a VERY long time her behavior WORKED for her. (Of course, resentments grew among those who were enabling her.) No one ever asked, Why? They just met her often passive-unreasonable-demands without question, feeling that to question anything would upset her and that if they upset her in ANY way that they were personally responsible for the next group of her bad behaviors. My mother is a classic example of the way that Variable Reinforcement works. For example: When your computer doesnt do what it should do, you try things that have worked in the past even though it doesnt always work, you at least try it because it has worked before.

My mother encountered problems with her strategies when both my twin sister and I became involved in behavioral health! We had become regarded as troublemakers when, as adolescents, we began challenging her disruptive dramas. Things ONLY got worse when we actively began asking about the long held tradition of doing whatever placated my mother! Despite all of that we continued to challenge unreasonable, extreme and ridiculous demands. We even went on to identify specific behaviors and pointed out the payoffs to those who had never questioned her odd intrusive, inappropriate and disruptive actions.

Now, those surviving family members see with crystal clarity what they were missing before and no longer feel a need to blindly accept unacceptable behaviors from my mother.

To answer your question, I do not believe that showing her via video how she appears would be helpful, at all. My mother's concerns have never been about ACTUAL CHANGE but in changing the way she APPEARS. Thus, she would want the video edited to make her look better rather than making change to behave better. As Dr. Phil often asks folks on the show, "So are you sorry you did that or are you sorry you got caught?" Regardless of what she might say, she is just sorry she got caught! And, if allowed time she will find someone to blame for that! 

Brenda

My whole California family is visiting, right now. My twin sister, her husband and my precious 15 year old niece! Their Here!

I love my twin sister. I mean, I REALLY DO LOVE MY TWIN!

She does have some OC issues going, though. Her biggest issue is feeling safe and secure at all times. (I have that one, too!) However, one of the ways she deals with and ensures this- for herself- is to check ALL of the doors at night, making SURE that they are locked and dead-bolted. She has been doing this for years and years! The ONLY trouble is AT MY HOUSE, when I cant seem to fall asleep, Ill go out and sit on my big front porch, from time to time. WELLthat little door checker then, just has to get back up and re-check the door that I have re-entered and again LOCKED, at my house! I said, Hey, if you have to, you have to.

Then, the other night she was particularly tired and she explained her dilemma and then asked ME NOT to touch MY doors again until morning! As I spoke empathically to her, accepting her concerns, I explained that I had the same concerns and I advised her that I do not leave doors unlocked. She then insisted that her rituals were always the same and suggested that I should just NOT bother the doors again until she was awake the next morning!(I believe that this is the point where the door issue became an inappropriate control-your-sister issue!)

I, then, calmly repeated what she had said and what that meant, for me. I understand her concerns around safety and security better than most people probably would! My sister would NOT budge! She even acknowledged just how unreasonable her dictate was and was becoming angry about that. Ultimately, I confronted her on my RIGHT TO FREEDOM of movement. Well, that went NO WHERE! She responded with, Hey! You are talking to a Pine tree, here! (Well, evidently I was!)

As I moved in a little closer, I explained to her that I had MOVED Pine trees BEFORE! It was then that my brother-in-law called my sister aside. And, in that moment with my shoulders square and my hands on my hips, with my chin jutted out, I felt like we were living out an old script from the Carol Burnett Show! I felt like Eunice! Well, my sister went on to bed without saying anything else. (One of those sure-fire ways to know that this AINT OVER, YET!)

The issue with the door hasnt yet been resolved. My twin has backed off considerably, though-for now.

It will be interesting to see how this goes!

Brenda

My whole California family is visiting, right now. My twin sister, her husband and my precious 15 year old niece! Their Here!

I love my twin sister. I mean, I REALLY DO LOVE MY TWIN!

She does have some OC issues going, though. Her biggest issue is feeling safe and secure at all times. (I have that one, too!) However, one of the ways she deals with and ensures this- for herself- is to check ALL of the doors at night, making SURE that they are locked and dead-bolted. She has been doing this for years and years! The ONLY trouble is AT MY HOUSE, when I cant seem to fall asleep, Ill go out and sit on my big front porch, from time to time. WELLthat little door checker then, just has to get back up and re-check the door that I have re-entered and again LOCKED, at my house! I said, Hey, if you have to, you have to.

Then, the other night she was particularly tired and she explained her dilemma and then asked ME NOT to touch MY doors again until morning! As I spoke empathically to her, accepting her concerns, I explained that I had the same concerns and I advised her that I do not leave doors unlocked. She then insisted that her rituals were always the same and suggested that I should just NOT bother the doors again until she was awake the next morning!(I believe that this is the point where the door issue became an inappropriate control-your-sister issue!)

I, then, calmly repeated what she had said and what that meant, for me. I understand her concerns around safety and security better than most people probably would! My sister would NOT budge! She even acknowledged just how unreasonable her dictate was and was becoming angry about that. Ultimately, I confronted her on my RIGHT TO FREEDOM of movement. Well, that went NO WHERE! She responded with, Hey! You are talking to a Pine tree, here! (Well, evidently I was!)

As I moved in a little closer, I explained to her that I had MOVED Pine trees BEFORE! It was then that my brother-in-law called my sister aside. And, in that moment with my shoulders square and my hands on my hips, with my chin jutted out, I felt like we were living out an old script from the Carol Burnett Show! I felt like Eunice! Well, my sister went on to bed without saying anything else. (One of those sure-fire ways to know that this AINT OVER, YET!)

The issue with the door hasnt yet been resolved. My twin has backed off considerably, though-for now.

It will be interesting to see how this goes!

Brenda

When I read your post I found it interesting that you had the response after your husband suggested that you don some shorts and take a ride.

The first thing that I thought of-this also has nothing to do with the other person but your perception of what their message might mean.

I said that because I have been in situations where someone has made a suggestion and I did EXACTLY what you were describing, making excuses etc., when actually, on some level I felt that perhaps that individual was trying to dictate to me. In these situations, I can almost immediately determine intent. And, almost always it has to do with my desire to be free. And, in most situations- that DO NOT involve a first degree relative- I can see that the suggestion is just a suggestion. It has nothing to do with them, as you pointed out but with your own process. My reaction is directly linked to my own history of having been either actively or passively controlled by someone else through emotional blackmail, or just someone wishing to control my life and my choices.

Thats me, though.

Brenda