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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Number of Replies: 7819
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 11:20:02 am
Author : dataimport
Have you read "Self Matters" or become familiar with the process of uncovering your authentic self from watching the show? Share your story here.

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February 17, 2009, 4:26 pm CST

Blazing, Red-Hot Bulletin!

Well, my twin sister- who, by the way, thought that I couldn’t POSSIBLY successfully organize a 4 day trip to LA without getting hopelessly lost and/or stuck in Los Angeles with cousin P**** for the rest of our natural lives- is now wanting ME to join HER in LA in September! She even wants me to plan and set it up! She wants to go where cousin P**** and I went and to do the things that we did, in Hollywood. My twin sister wants to do this with me very BADLY! Now, this here situation, is what I call “leverage”! She keeps pointing out, “This time you could go and see a taping of the Dr. Phil Show!” Thus, this trip MAYBE contingent upon her agreeing to accompany ME to a taping of the Dr. Phil Show! If I could find out- for sure- when they, at least, plan to be taping!!!

 

The audience page just has so little information about anything except the next 30 days. So needless to say they sure don’t have anything for the Fall of 2009! What a conundrum! I don’t want to plan another trip only to learn a couple of weeks before I fly, that they ARE NOT going to be taping the week I plan to visit! To get ANY decent airfare rates you have to plan WAY ahead!

 

I’ll have to give this some more thought.

 

Brenda

 

P.S. To all…P**** and I wound up purchasing our own airfare after all…..very long story.

 
February 18, 2009, 7:38 am CST

It's done

Quote From: blgspc

I dont view your maternal instincts as sliding. I believe that really good mothers, like yourself, HAVE TO walk a very fine line when walking the extremely difficult trek called Tough Love. Because implementing Tough Love just flies in the face of every natural maternal instinct you have! You are forced to engage in rather alien behaviors and you have to weigh and balance each and every choice you make for an informed internal judgment as to whether or not your decisions are too yielding or too callous. Thus, you are forced to abandon the typical nurturing so instinctive to a more natural and traditional form of mothering. Your mothering has to become more of a detached and cognitive process rather than the natural responses that typically come from your gut. More succinctly put, it is an on-going process that can be taxing, demanding and quite stressful, for good mothers. I believe that if you didnt slide from time to time, you wouldnt BE a really good mother! So, cognitively knowing that youre doing the best thing for your child-adult or not- doesnt quell that screaming urge that comes from your GUT that tells you that you SHOULD rescue! Emotionally, for a mother, its a complex process, really....

 

Thats why FATHERS arent mothers!!!

 

Brenda

Well, sonny's out of the house. He is staying with a friend until he gets a job and can find more permanent digs.

You mentioned fathers not being mothers. I believe that fathers fill their own very special niche, and when they fail to do so, it affects the children. This son was failed by 2 men when he was young, and I'm hoping that the efforts my husband put in these last few months weren't too late or too little.

My husband was angry, and of course sonny thinks it's all about him. I tried to explain that much of the anger is at himself, for not doing the things he needed to earlier, to be faced with this sort of decision. Nobody likes to be the bad guy, even when they know it's needed.  I'm just so tired of being the one to interpret between these two.

At 23, almost 24, my son needs to stand on his own though, and learn to respect himself. I secretly think that's why he was entertaining the idea of the military.

 

I find it interesting that your sister now wants to visit Hollywood with you, now that you're and EXPERT at getting around tinsel town! Now that you've done it, the next time should be even easier.

I guess the best way to do it is to set up the taping date as far out as possible, then arrange airfare, hotel, etc?

 
February 22, 2009, 3:51 pm CST

Being In The Middle........

Quote From: ritehere

Well, sonny's out of the house. He is staying with a friend until he gets a job and can find more permanent digs.

You mentioned fathers not being mothers. I believe that fathers fill their own very special niche, and when they fail to do so, it affects the children. This son was failed by 2 men when he was young, and I'm hoping that the efforts my husband put in these last few months weren't too late or too little.

My husband was angry, and of course sonny thinks it's all about him. I tried to explain that much of the anger is at himself, for not doing the things he needed to earlier, to be faced with this sort of decision. Nobody likes to be the bad guy, even when they know it's needed.  I'm just so tired of being the one to interpret between these two.

At 23, almost 24, my son needs to stand on his own though, and learn to respect himself. I secretly think that's why he was entertaining the idea of the military.

 

I find it interesting that your sister now wants to visit Hollywood with you, now that you're and EXPERT at getting around tinsel town! Now that you've done it, the next time should be even easier.

I guess the best way to do it is to set up the taping date as far out as possible, then arrange airfare, hotel, etc?

Yep, being in the ‘middle-man’ is tough.

And, your son may need to ‘adopt’ a surrogate father-figure of his own choosing. I say that because VERY early in my life I knew that the person who gave birth to me was NOT going to fill the role of ‘Mother’ in my life. In fact, we were expected to ‘mother’ her! So, by the age of 51/2 to 6 years old my sister and I were creating a collection of women around us who were mothers and who enjoyed mothering-like my father’s mother, Grandma Mary and Aunt Betty. I don’t believe that I stopped collecting surrogates until I was in my mid-twenties!!! I loved them all and each had something different to teach me!

 

I have often thought about our American society’s expectation that at age 18, one should know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives. Now, that I’m in my 50’s, I’ve come to see that as a bit unrealistic. However, I do believe that at age 18- 19 one needs to be prepared to make a choice about some central goals and how to be self-reliant and make plans for those goals they have set for themselves.

 

And, even as I wrote the line about Fathers, I was reminded of how my own father often struggled to be both a mother and a father to my sister and I. In fact, my father is often more ‘maternal’ than he is paternal, in many ways!

 

Yesterday was my Birthday. My father gave me this beautiful card and as I was opening the envelope, this man of few words said, “I want you to read every single word on that card, because I chose it not for how it looks, but what it says!” And, it says: ‘Daughter…..Deep in my heart I feel so lucky that I can call you not only my daughter, but my friend… We have fun together, we can depend on one another, and no matter how busy life gets, we make time to talk. Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter and a close and caring friend.’ I was deeply touched.

 

Oh, and about my sister….I don’t believe that my sister has ever regarded me as an ‘EXPERT’ on anything. Even with my ‘accomplishment’ of successfully planning, organizing and making a trip to LA and back for myself and first-time flyer, cousin P****. My sister just chalks it all up to dumb luck! She just wants to visit Hollywood and stay where we stayed to be in the heart of Hollywood, that’s all. I know that she loves me, but she doesn’t regard me as skilled or talented at ANYTHING! She never has! She’s the Alpha twin. Of all of the stereotypes assigned to identical twins, that one is QUITE true for the two of us. She has always been the Alpha/dominant one and I’ve always been just a bit more passive-at least around HER, I have been. Among my friends, who knew and worked with me, I was viewed quite differently. In fact, I think that they saw me as MORE skilled, capable and intelligent than I really was or am.

 

Brenda

 
February 24, 2009, 9:20 am CST

Why am I not surprized?

Quote From: blgspc

Yep, being in the middle-man is tough.

And, your son may need to adopt a surrogate father-figure of his own choosing. I say that because VERY early in my life I knew that the person who gave birth to me was NOT going to fill the role of Mother in my life. In fact, we were expected to mother her! So, by the age of 51/2 to 6 years old my sister and I were creating a collection of women around us who were mothers and who enjoyed mothering-like my fathers mother, Grandma Mary and Aunt Betty. I dont believe that I stopped collecting surrogates until I was in my mid-twenties!!! I loved them all and each had something different to teach me!

 

I have often thought about our American societys expectation that at age 18, one should know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives. Now, that Im in my 50s, Ive come to see that as a bit unrealistic. However, I do believe that at age 18- 19 one needs to be prepared to make a choice about some central goals and how to be self-reliant and make plans for those goals they have set for themselves.

 

And, even as I wrote the line about Fathers, I was reminded of how my own father often struggled to be both a mother and a father to my sister and I. In fact, my father is often more maternal than he is paternal, in many ways!

 

Yesterday was my Birthday. My father gave me this beautiful card and as I was opening the envelope, this man of few words said, I want you to read every single word on that card, because I chose it not for how it looks, but what it says! And, it says: Daughter..Deep in my heart I feel so lucky that I can call you not only my daughter, but my friend We have fun together, we can depend on one another, and no matter how busy life gets, we make time to talk. Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter and a close and caring friend. I was deeply touched.

 

Oh, and about my sister.I dont believe that my sister has ever regarded me as an EXPERT on anything. Even with my accomplishment of successfully planning, organizing and making a trip to LA and back for myself and first-time flyer, cousin P****. My sister just chalks it all up to dumb luck! She just wants to visit Hollywood and stay where we stayed to be in the heart of Hollywood, thats all. I know that she loves me, but she doesnt regard me as skilled or talented at ANYTHING! She never has! Shes the Alpha twin. Of all of the stereotypes assigned to identical twins, that one is QUITE true for the two of us. She has always been the Alpha/dominant one and Ive always been just a bit more passive-at least around HER, I have been. Among my friends, who knew and worked with me, I was viewed quite differently. In fact, I think that they saw me as MORE skilled, capable and intelligent than I really was or am.

 

Brenda

Brenda, it's well known that people change sides as they enter middle age, spouses switch roles, individuals reconsider long-standing opinions and beliefs.

I suspect that your sister may be more willing to concede that you less passive than you portray yourself to be. And she may be less alpha than you think she is.

Consider that she moved the whole way across the country, and established herself as a family counselor, to deal with her issues with your mother: while you chose to deal with them head on by not only moving next door, but involving yourself with her on a daily basis.

Now, I'm not a doctor, and of course I don't know either of you, so you can take that at face value or not. The older I get, the more I concede that there are no coincidences.

 

 
March 5, 2009, 10:59 am CST

My Twin........

Quote From: ritehere

Brenda, it's well known that people change sides as they enter middle age, spouses switch roles, individuals reconsider long-standing opinions and beliefs.

I suspect that your sister may be more willing to concede that you less passive than you portray yourself to be. And she may be less alpha than you think she is.

Consider that she moved the whole way across the country, and established herself as a family counselor, to deal with her issues with your mother: while you chose to deal with them head on by not only moving next door, but involving yourself with her on a daily basis.

Now, I'm not a doctor, and of course I don't know either of you, so you can take that at face value or not. The older I get, the more I concede that there are no coincidences.

 

When asked by our large extended family members WHY she moved all the way to San Francisco to live, she has wryly lamented, “Well, it was as far as I could go to get away from my mother and still remain on this continent!”

 

I don’t think that Linda-my twin- is an Alpha with everyone. In fact, I believe that she is too passive with some people. Though she and I both have histories replete for Whistle-Blowing and/or acting against ‘orders’ or policy. I’ve ONLY done that-about 10-12 times- when if I had done what I was ordered or policy dictated that I should always do, someone would have either died or been permanently and profoundly impaired! Linda, on the other hand, upon learning that her boss was criminally, corruptly and deliberately misusing the money for their department, carefully collected all sorts of information about his activities and then went straight to the department head! That guy had hired 12 more people than their budget allowed for and many WERE NOT CREDENTIALED to practice by the state of CA. Also, he was using the excuse of working with one of San Francisco’s most known sports teams- one of the EAP’s client groups- as an excuse to fly the entire EAP staff to Lake Tahoe for a week, all expenses paid by the institution for whom he and my sister worked! During that week the staff spent approx. 30 mins. with the team, talking to them about services available through the EAP! The remainder of that week the staff were in the casinos and on vacation!!! (What A Girl!) Needless to say, we have BOTH encountered threats. In my experience, I was threatened with dismissal by those who refused to intervene, each and every time I went against orders, policy etc. With my sister, I was worried, for her safety, as the institute was investigating her boss and he recognized that he was not only facing termination but may be facing charges, he was enraged with her! I was afraid that she would windup in a cement overcoat at the bottom of the Bay!

 

Even so, she ALWAYS behaves as an alpha when we are together. I believe that she does that NOW because she feels ‘safe’ doing that in our relationship.

 

Brenda

 
March 6, 2009, 7:01 pm CST

Looking for some help

Hi, I am a young woman who needs a bit of advice. I am torn between several options in my life and I am basically hoping I can find a kind soul on here who could be like a sort of life advicer for me in this inner chaos I am feeling. I would appreciate having someone to talk to, via Skype for instance, or email. I just need someone who is not involved in my life to give their opinion and hopefully make me see things clearer on what i should and shouldn't do.

Kind regards,

Madeleine

my email: madeleinecarlson@aim.com
 
March 8, 2009, 9:45 am CDT

Madeleine,

Quote From: emerald_lamb

Hi, I am a young woman who needs a bit of advice. I am torn between several options in my life and I am basically hoping I can find a kind soul on here who could be like a sort of life advicer for me in this inner chaos I am feeling. I would appreciate having someone to talk to, via Skype for instance, or email. I just need someone who is not involved in my life to give their opinion and hopefully make me see things clearer on what i should and shouldn't do.

Kind regards,

Madeleine

my email: madeleinecarlson@aim.com

Is there something we can help you with via this board? None of us are doctors, we discuss Dr Phil's books, in particular SELF MATTERS, and how the doc's guidance in the books help us through our life problems.

I no longer post my email address as I have attracted undesirable responses in the past.

 

 

 
March 13, 2009, 1:50 am CDT

hello madeleine

Quote From: emerald_lamb

Hi, I am a young woman who needs a bit of advice. I am torn between several options in my life and I am basically hoping I can find a kind soul on here who could be like a sort of life advicer for me in this inner chaos I am feeling. I would appreciate having someone to talk to, via Skype for instance, or email. I just need someone who is not involved in my life to give their opinion and hopefully make me see things clearer on what i should and shouldn't do.

Kind regards,

Madeleine

my email: madeleinecarlson@aim.com

those are words ive been waiting to here. i was a young mother of 16 and 2 more after that. my husband is a wonderful provider and a sweet man however i dont know where if fit in CHAOS is my middle name. I luv to here about peoples issues and have a open ear for what ever u want to talk about

sincerly jackie

 
March 13, 2009, 5:10 pm CDT

Logic and Simplicity

Quote From: emerald_lamb

Hi, I am a young woman who needs a bit of advice. I am torn between several options in my life and I am basically hoping I can find a kind soul on here who could be like a sort of life advicer for me in this inner chaos I am feeling. I would appreciate having someone to talk to, via Skype for instance, or email. I just need someone who is not involved in my life to give their opinion and hopefully make me see things clearer on what i should and shouldn't do.

Kind regards,

Madeleine

my email: madeleinecarlson@aim.com

Dear Madeleine

 

In looking back over difficult times in my life. I must admit that I knew with certainty what the best course of action would have been all along. It was often the simplest, most logical and direct. The confusion came when for reasons of self comfort and security, I rejected logic and with it the course of action that would have made my life much better, much sooner. Sometimes you have to be willing to let go of some comfort to do the right thing. Resistance to change is rooted in the love of comfort. Comfort, security, and the resultant resistance to change is one of the most common reasons why people will stay in or return to a relationship in which they are being abused. I do not know what is happening in your life, but I will certainly pray for you if thats OK. Base your decisions not on fear, but on sound logical thinking. No one knows your circumstances better than you do. The solution may be right there in front of you. To reach out to others in time of need is a sign of strength. Just by doing this you have convinced me that you are a very strong person. Believe in yourself. I do not know you, but know that I believe in you!

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day that brings with it new hope and new opportunites. Time is a wonderful thing. Let it do its wonderful work. Look back and ask yourself, where was I this time last year and what was I doing? What problems did I face back then? What do those problems mean to me today?

 

Sincerely,

Terry Goossen

 
March 17, 2009, 9:43 pm CDT

help

hi dr phil im realy haveing trouble with myself estem and thinking that my x must of just hated me sooo much and i must of did everything wrong look im in realationship and am engaged to be married my x partner whom i have a child with use to beat me up and not just phsycialy either now he has got married and his wife says he is the perfect husband and shows me pics and stuff of there wedding day cause my son was in them she says am i to blam for geting beaten up do abusers change????????
 
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