Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote

October 2, 2005, 10:58 am PDT

Handling nightmares

I used to have the GIANT ROBOT chasing me as a child. I can still remember those nightmares. I always had my sister with me and we couldn't find out parents or friends and the buildings were destroyed. Then I grew up and had dreams of being chained and beatened so that I would behave.

The later dreams made me seek help - I read that when I awake from the nightmare, breathe and go back and this time, I control the events that are taking place.

As I healed my thinking, I was able to bring the nightmares to closure so much faster and they didn't affect me as much.

Although, the last few months - I've been experiencing nightmares again. For me, they show me that I'm scared of the unknown and that it's frightening. And many times, I discover the answer I've been searching for as I journal out my dreams and allow myself to flow with what I'm writing.

Read Replies to this Message

enzymbia

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

October 2, 2005, 11:07 am PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: marcia52

My 8th year of Living, I lost my home, my friends, was molested, told I was lousy at dance, and lost my belief in myself that I could multiply. There was more - these are the ones that stand out the most now that I'm 52.99 years old. I never connected the dots before.

Chapters 5 & 6 will be easier because you've already discovered the people & choices that you made -- however, he'll have you look at them differently.

Because you are so young, you will be able to work thru your thoughts. Yet, I don't think the pain or emotions are any different than between you and me. I know that as I did my work, I quickly brushed aside the choices I made in my early years because I realized that if Iwas running my life making decisions as an 8 year old and these events occured as I got older -there wasn't any reason for me to berate myself or work things out. I accepted the choices I made because at that time, it was the very best I could do for me.

I did, however, have to work out the pain those choices bought to me. However, I was a whole llot kinder to myself.

Marcia,

I see a lot of similarities between us. When I was eight I moved, my parents divorced, I too was told I'm a lousy dancer. I have vague memories of being molested as a nine-year-old, but I think it's a dream that I have turned into "false reality" or "a false memory".

I hope I can finish this last moment - my Father's death - during next week. I'm frightened because it's one of the TWO good moment's I have identified!

I'm glad you're around here. You give me much hope of completing the book.

Cheers,
Sanna-Terocia.

PS. For Ritehere who said I should meet my boyfriend. He lives on the other side of Sweden. It is a bit like us beeing on opposite sides of California, unfortunetly. I wish I could meet him today.

Read Replies to this Message

enzymbia

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

October 2, 2005, 11:49 am PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: marcia52

I used to have the GIANT ROBOT chasing me as a child. I can still remember those nightmares. I always had my sister with me and we couldn't find out parents or friends and the buildings were destroyed. Then I grew up and had dreams of being chained and beatened so that I would behave.

The later dreams made me seek help - I read that when I awake from the nightmare, breathe and go back and this time, I control the events that are taking place.

As I healed my thinking, I was able to bring the nightmares to closure so much faster and they didn't affect me as much.

Although, the last few months - I've been experiencing nightmares again. For me, they show me that I'm scared of the unknown and that it's frightening. And many times, I discover the answer I've been searching for as I journal out my dreams and allow myself to flow with what I'm writing.

I used to have nightmares more often then dreams when I lived with my mother. I think I got so used to them that I didn't really consider them nightmares. There was a differance between nightmares and just plain "bad dreams". When I moved out in August, I slept heavily and dreamlessly the first two weeks! I have only had a handful of bad dreams since and only one real nightmare. What a relief! ... and then Mother wonders why I wont stay over the night... I tried to explain, but how easy is it to say "Hey, Mum, I really can't stay the night because I'm so unsafe here that I have bad dreams all the time and a really hard time going to sleep!" - huh?

Read Replies to this Message

ritehere

User Mood
Relaxed

Message Emote
chillin'

October 2, 2005, 12:00 pm PDT

Defining moments...

Quote From: enzymbia

My counsellor and I have only begun our relationship. She has asked me to list my defining moments on a short list, rating them from the hardest to the easiest. That is not an easy task, as they are all hard so far. I haven't found more then one a good moment - which is the one I posted about earlier. How can your FATHER'S DEATH be a good moment? How sick am I?

At some point I will bring up these dreams. I have so much I want to talk with her about, I feel like I need to organise and make lists over it! I can only meet her for an hour every week, when I feel like seeing her every other day to just talk through and get rid of the s***.

The reason Dr Phil has you list defining moments starting from the EARLIEST ones, is so that you recognize that later ones can be not so much a "defining" moment but an "underlining" of an earlier moment that caused the change in the way you thought of yourself.

Like Brenda's suicide attempt: it was traumatic and underlined the idea that nobody cared, but the reason it was a defining moment is because afterward, she had worthlessness to add to her list of flawed conclusions about herself. So when your counselor asks you to list them from the hardest to the easiest, he or she is wanting to know which ones traumatized you the most.

Dr Phil gives you a good grounding in WHY you think the way you do, and how that process started. I think your counselor is wanting to help you remember them, and be of support during that process. I'm not sure what he or she may mean by "hard" or "easy" though, I'm with you, they are all devastating.

And NO, you are not sick. There are many people walking around carrying a load of guilt over feeling relieved over the death of a parent. Its easier than facing the anger inside themselves over the losses of innocence or happiness, or whatever that they endured at the hands of a parent. And that hidden guilt and anger leads to depression and messes up their lives in so many ways.

Some parents deserve the way they are thought of. You can't get rid of the demons inside until you fully understand them, know how they got there, and accept them as your own.

Read Replies to this Message

ritehere

User Mood
Relaxed

Message Emote
chillin'

October 2, 2005, 12:08 pm PDT

Match up your dreams with the events.

Quote From: enzymbia

I used to have nightmares more often then dreams when I lived with my mother. I think I got so used to them that I didn't really consider them nightmares. There was a differance between nightmares and just plain "bad dreams". When I moved out in August, I slept heavily and dreamlessly the first two weeks! I have only had a handful of bad dreams since and only one real nightmare. What a relief! ... and then Mother wonders why I wont stay over the night... I tried to explain, but how easy is it to say "Hey, Mum, I really can't stay the night because I'm so unsafe here that I have bad dreams all the time and a really hard time going to sleep!" - huh?

If you can match up dreams that started with certain defining moments, this may help your counselor quite a bit.

Read Replies to this Message

enzymbia

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

October 2, 2005, 12:30 pm PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: ritehere

The reason Dr Phil has you list defining moments starting from the EARLIEST ones, is so that you recognize that later ones can be not so much a "defining" moment but an "underlining" of an earlier moment that caused the change in the way you thought of yourself.

Like Brenda's suicide attempt: it was traumatic and underlined the idea that nobody cared, but the reason it was a defining moment is because afterward, she had worthlessness to add to her list of flawed conclusions about herself. So when your counselor asks you to list them from the hardest to the easiest, he or she is wanting to know which ones traumatized you the most.

Dr Phil gives you a good grounding in WHY you think the way you do, and how that process started. I think your counselor is wanting to help you remember them, and be of support during that process. I'm not sure what he or she may mean by "hard" or "easy" though, I'm with you, they are all devastating.

And NO, you are not sick. There are many people walking around carrying a load of guilt over feeling relieved over the death of a parent. Its easier than facing the anger inside themselves over the losses of innocence or happiness, or whatever that they endured at the hands of a parent. And that hidden guilt and anger leads to depression and messes up their lives in so many ways.

Some parents deserve the way they are thought of. You can't get rid of the demons inside until you fully understand them, know how they got there, and accept them as your own.

Thank you for your quick response... I've found two or three moments, before the age of ten. So yes, there are a lot of things that I have SEEN as underlining those moments.

My counsellor said that she will will agree to read Self Matters with me, every other time we meet. She also said that she has much else to read so she doesn't have time to read the whole book. I can understand this, but at the same time it hurts me that she wouldn't have time to do something that is this important to me. I think she sees Dr Phil as yet another of those "babblers" that will misguide you. Yet, when I speak with her, I get the feeling she's on the same page as dear ol' Phil.

I seem to be a sea of different emotions right now. I'm relieved that Father is gone, I'm angry that he left me, I miss the person he could have been, the father he could have been, had he wanted to. I'm angry because of the psychological HELL that he put me through, I'm angry at Mother for the same reason. I stopped saying Mum and Dad when speaking about them when I was somewhere around thirteen, to their faces I still used/use the terms.
I'm missing my boyfriend like hell and it's getting harder and harder to be away from our - his - apartment, the only place I've ever been home in.
The light in school is the two friends that I've managed to make, and dancing. I stand at a crossroad, having to choose if I want to study dancing or theathre. I must choose before November. I'm leaning towards theather, since then I'd get to dance too... But I'm wondering if I don't want to dance more then act. I wanted to become a dancer as a kid, but was put down by Mother, my ex-best friend and all class mates I had back then.

I'm a mess and I try find a thread to begin with. Self Matters helps me tremendeously... and you guys! I recently wrote in an email to Teri that if we'd be "a real therapy group" we'd be great. It'd be one of those "lost people finds real group of friends"-movie thing. Well, my oppinion atleast.

Thank you all for existing and putting up with my whining.
Sanna-Terocia.

Read Replies to this Message

marcia52

User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote

October 2, 2005, 3:12 pm PDT

Isn't that something you could bring up at the BIG MEETING?

Quote From: enzymbia

I used to have nightmares more often then dreams when I lived with my mother. I think I got so used to them that I didn't really consider them nightmares. There was a differance between nightmares and just plain "bad dreams". When I moved out in August, I slept heavily and dreamlessly the first two weeks! I have only had a handful of bad dreams since and only one real nightmare. What a relief! ... and then Mother wonders why I wont stay over the night... I tried to explain, but how easy is it to say "Hey, Mum, I really can't stay the night because I'm so unsafe here that I have bad dreams all the time and a really hard time going to sleep!" - huh?

Isn't this exactly what you need to be telling your counselor?

Read Replies to this Message

marcia52

User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote

October 2, 2005, 3:16 pm PDT

Self Matters is generic in nature....

Quote From: enzymbia

Thank you for your quick response... I've found two or three moments, before the age of ten. So yes, there are a lot of things that I have SEEN as underlining those moments.

My counsellor said that she will will agree to read Self Matters with me, every other time we meet. She also said that she has much else to read so she doesn't have time to read the whole book. I can understand this, but at the same time it hurts me that she wouldn't have time to do something that is this important to me. I think she sees Dr Phil as yet another of those "babblers" that will misguide you. Yet, when I speak with her, I get the feeling she's on the same page as dear ol' Phil.

I seem to be a sea of different emotions right now. I'm relieved that Father is gone, I'm angry that he left me, I miss the person he could have been, the father he could have been, had he wanted to. I'm angry because of the psychological HELL that he put me through, I'm angry at Mother for the same reason. I stopped saying Mum and Dad when speaking about them when I was somewhere around thirteen, to their faces I still used/use the terms.
I'm missing my boyfriend like hell and it's getting harder and harder to be away from our - his - apartment, the only place I've ever been home in.
The light in school is the two friends that I've managed to make, and dancing. I stand at a crossroad, having to choose if I want to study dancing or theathre. I must choose before November. I'm leaning towards theather, since then I'd get to dance too... But I'm wondering if I don't want to dance more then act. I wanted to become a dancer as a kid, but was put down by Mother, my ex-best friend and all class mates I had back then.

I'm a mess and I try find a thread to begin with. Self Matters helps me tremendeously... and you guys! I recently wrote in an email to Teri that if we'd be "a real therapy group" we'd be great. It'd be one of those "lost people finds real group of friends"-movie thing. Well, my oppinion atleast.

Thank you all for existing and putting up with my whining.
Sanna-Terocia.

The thing about Self Matters is that it's no different than what's been around for years and years - Dr. Phil simply compiled the data, put in some exercises and explained it to us is terms that we understand. If your new counselor has COGNITIVE THERAPY background & Behavioral Management - then she really doesn't need to read the book.

Use the book to help you sort stuff out. When you go in, you can discuss what you are feeling, what's going on with you and still stick to the book. Dr. Phil will be teaching you how to LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING and working out when you wrote those scripts & tapes that you live to.

And I don't think anyone had a decent set of parents when they were growing up. How many people do you know that are working on developing themselves mentally, physically and spiritually? Very few people are actually doing it. And then there are some who have been doing it a really long time and keep searching for the next teacher, book, or class.

Use your counselor to help you sort stuff out. I wished I had found 1 to help me - then I could have done the work faster.

Read Replies to this Message

blgspc

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
hopeful

October 3, 2005, 1:03 am PDT

Re: Update...

Quote From: teri_id

Brenda,

I have tried to answer this a few times, and each time I end up losing all I have written because the site signs me out...so this time I will try again, yet copy what I have written before I click any buttons...lol.

Our goats are still alive....which for one of them is amazing me. Snow, who had the least amount of injuries, seems to be doing much better physically, but emotionally he seems to be quite traumatized. It is sad, he will hide in dark corners with his head down, afraid of any noise, and extremely afraid of our little kitty cat. It breaks my heart. He seems to feel ok when we our out there with him, hand feeding him and petting him, giving him scratches in all of those places where goats just love to be scratched.

Taco, the worst of the injured, I am unsure of. We are changing bandages every other day now, trying to allow new growth, yet it seems like each time we take the bandages off, there is less and less tissue covering his bone. The only thing holding his bottom portion of leg to his upper portion is some ligament and skin...there is no muscle left. What truly amazed us is the other day he took 4 steps without any help. Yesterday, when we changed bandages, however, I was alarmed at how little is left now, and how much pain he is in. After we were done, he just wanted us to sit with him, feed him willow, as we know that helps with pain, and scratch all of the bites around his head, neck and ears. They are healing now and they itch horribly. He gets a look of bliss on his face when you get the right spot. He loves to munch on all sorts of goodies, and he gets lots of them now!

This has caused me more tears than I can count, and I still feel much anger. Nobody wants to admit their dogs did this, yet there are more than a few neighbors who are now locking their dogs up.

Brenda, I want you to know your vulnerabilities can be trusted with me. I cannot imagine anyone not respecting you and what you offer. Thank you for all of your kind words to me, and for your prayers. I am sure that is why I have had the strength to keep facing the tasks of care for the goats and doing it as well as I am. Thank you for the prayers.

Teri

Teri,

I don’t think that there is anything more gut-wrenching than witnessing little defenseless animals savagely attacked. Watching them struggle to heal is also very very difficult to see. I know that these wonderful little animals just love to see you coming, knowing that at least they are not alone and will experience the warm unconditional love that is necessary for healing both physically and emotionally. I still have both you and your little goats in my prayers. I wish for them recovery and return to health. I know that a part of their suffering has been diminished by your loving and nurturing. I can also understand the enormous anger you must have for this senseless assault. I will keep you and them in my prayers!!!

They have a very extraordinary caregiver, in you!!!!

Brenda

Read Replies to this Message

blgspc

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
hopeful

October 3, 2005, 1:35 am PDT

So, Sorry....

Quote From: teri_id

Brenda,

I have tried to answer this a few times, and each time I end up losing all I have written because the site signs me out...so this time I will try again, yet copy what I have written before I click any buttons...lol.

Our goats are still alive....which for one of them is amazing me. Snow, who had the least amount of injuries, seems to be doing much better physically, but emotionally he seems to be quite traumatized. It is sad, he will hide in dark corners with his head down, afraid of any noise, and extremely afraid of our little kitty cat. It breaks my heart. He seems to feel ok when we our out there with him, hand feeding him and petting him, giving him scratches in all of those places where goats just love to be scratched.

Taco, the worst of the injured, I am unsure of. We are changing bandages every other day now, trying to allow new growth, yet it seems like each time we take the bandages off, there is less and less tissue covering his bone. The only thing holding his bottom portion of leg to his upper portion is some ligament and skin...there is no muscle left. What truly amazed us is the other day he took 4 steps without any help. Yesterday, when we changed bandages, however, I was alarmed at how little is left now, and how much pain he is in. After we were done, he just wanted us to sit with him, feed him willow, as we know that helps with pain, and scratch all of the bites around his head, neck and ears. They are healing now and they itch horribly. He gets a look of bliss on his face when you get the right spot. He loves to munch on all sorts of goodies, and he gets lots of them now!

This has caused me more tears than I can count, and I still feel much anger. Nobody wants to admit their dogs did this, yet there are more than a few neighbors who are now locking their dogs up.

Brenda, I want you to know your vulnerabilities can be trusted with me. I cannot imagine anyone not respecting you and what you offer. Thank you for all of your kind words to me, and for your prayers. I am sure that is why I have had the strength to keep facing the tasks of care for the goats and doing it as well as I am. Thank you for the prayers.

Teri

Teri,

I do apologize, to you and anyone else on the board who might have felt that my discomfort with vulnerability had to with concerns I had or have about you or them. It doesn’t. I don’t have concerns about whether or not I can trust you! It’s just MY old stuff. Having left myself vulnerable to my group, only to have ALL of that mocked and exploited later with them left me feeling “burned”.

I not only trust you, Ritehere and the others, I do appreciate your patience with me as I again, ‘venture out’!

Your kindness and support have been enormously helpful in reinforcing my belief that there are good and trustworthy people who are accepting, WORTS and all!!!

I am VERY fortunate to have people like you!!! And, I’m so grateful!!!

Thank You!

Brenda :-)

Read Replies to this Message