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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Number of Replies: 7819
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 11:20:02 am
Author : dataimport
Have you read "Self Matters" or become familiar with the process of uncovering your authentic self from watching the show? Share your story here.

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July 27, 2005, 2:38 am CDT

How to find myself?

Hello all,

 

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

 

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

 

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

 

Thank you

 

 
July 27, 2005, 6:16 am CDT

Teri,

Quote From: teri_id

Ritehere,

Good to see you back too! We are getting ready to take the "big Paddle"...gonna hit the ocean! I am really looking forward to it!

In reference to another of your posts, those spinning plates...our acupuncurist told us once that balance is continually strived for...that is the true balance...the effort against the chaos. So I imagine you spinning your plates and when they fall a hearty laugh and a new plate is started. Actually, it makes for a pretty cool mental image! Thanks and I am soooo glad to see you here!

Teri

 Sounds exciting, you'll have to share the experience with us. Thanks for "hangin" with me during the break.
 
July 27, 2005, 6:48 am CDT

Kaatje,

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

Thank you

First of all, you're English is very good. Did your mother mean well when she mislead you? Sometimes when children are small the truth is kept from them because they won't understand. Then as the years go by, it gets more difficult for them to tell the whole truth, because they fear your reaction. If her intentions were good, maybe you will be able to forgive her in time. Was she always trustworthy in other ways? Remember that actions will always speak louder than words.
 
July 27, 2005, 7:55 am CDT

Confession is good for the soul they say....

You know, Life continues to be a learning experience.  My boyfriend and I have pack goats.  We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask.  Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June.  While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross.  Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit.  He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued. 

 

 There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes.  I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me.  Appearantly not deep enough.

 

Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down.  At first we thought he was dead.  He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot.  We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds.  We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg.  I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous. 


Turns out, when we crossed that log, my boyfriend remembered a stick poking up, and when Mackay crossed, he must have punctured his chest with that stick.  He had been suffering from this the whole time.

 

We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat.  He is doing better, but only time will tell. 

 

I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw.  I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it.  I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense.  Thus, I am carrying guilt. 

 

I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc.  I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening.  Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt?  It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite.  This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything.  Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it.  Any input would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for "listening" to me.

Teri

 
July 27, 2005, 8:56 am CDT

Teri,

Quote From: teri_id

You know, Life continues to be a learning experience. My boyfriend and I have pack goats. We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask. Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June. While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross. Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit. He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued.

There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes. I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me. Appearantly not deep enough.

Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down. At first we thought he was dead. He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot. We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds. We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg. I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous.


Turns out, when we crossed that log, my boyfriend remembered a stick poking up, and when Mackay crossed, he must have punctured his chest with that stick. He had been suffering from this the whole time.

We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat. He is doing better, but only time will tell.

I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw. I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it. I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense. Thus, I am carrying guilt.

I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc. I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening. Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt? It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite. This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything. Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening" to me.

Teri

I know you're not looking for excuses, but I'm sorry, you COULDN"T have known your goat was hurt unless you had been through this before. Animals instinctively hide injury and illness. In the wild, any indication of ill health marked the animal as a target for predators. Your goat hid it from you because that's what they do. As (sometimes) intelligent beings, we feel guilty because we project human qualities on our pets and other animals. You will continue to feel bad for awhile, it's inevitable, but Mackay does not hold you in any kind of reproach for not seeing his pain. On the other hand, now that you have learned this lesson, I know that you will keep a sharper eye on the rest of the herd, so Mackay's death was not in vain, and served a purpose. I'm sorry for your loss.
 
July 27, 2005, 10:18 am CDT

My heart is with you ....

Quote From: teri_id

You know, Life continues to be a learning experience.  My boyfriend and I have pack goats.  We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask.  Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June.  While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross.  Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit.  He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued. 

 

 There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes.  I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me.  Appearantly not deep enough.

 

Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down.  At first we thought he was dead.  He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot.  We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds.  We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg.  I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous. 


Turns out, when we crossed that log, my boyfriend remembered a stick poking up, and when Mackay crossed, he must have punctured his chest with that stick.  He had been suffering from this the whole time.

 

We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat.  He is doing better, but only time will tell. 

 

I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw.  I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it.  I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense.  Thus, I am carrying guilt. 

 

I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc.  I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening.  Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt?  It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite.  This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything.  Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it.  Any input would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for "listening" to me.

Teri

I have said a prayer for you.  You have and are doing all that you can for your beloved. And he knows it.  You feel guilty because you have 1001 things you should have done and didn't.   That is the past and you can not do anything to change it.  It wasn't done deliberately and dealing with guilt isn't going to help you with your beloved, Mackay. 

 

Give him your special attention and it means doing whatever you feel is the right thing. 

 

Know that you have learned from this sad time in your life.   You will never let it happen to Mackay again or to any of your other beloveds. 

 

I came home from a trip to find my beloved Victor (my cat) had an open sore.  He got hit by a car for the 2nd time.  I can't keep him in my home and I can't live with guilt because it's his choice to be an outside cat.  all I can do is pay the medical bill (for the 2nd time in 4 years) and pray that this time he's learned that when it comes between him and a car - he's going to lose.  The first, I felt so guilty but then I had to remember, they do not listen or behave in ways that we do.  In fact, an animal when hurt will hide it because in the wild, they would be left to die. 

 

Because you are doing your best and you are taking care of him with all that you can - know that Mackay understands.  He will survive because you give him strength and love daily. 

 
July 27, 2005, 10:24 am CDT

The path to truth is painful!

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

 

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

 

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

 

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

 

Thank you

 

Your english is fine - you write better than I do at times.

 

I believe that our truths are all painful and when we face our truths, we discovered that our lives were based on untruths.  For many of us, it's because we made assumptions and then lived our lives with those assumptions.  For others, those that were the adults told us lies and we then lived to those lies.

 

I know it's painful to discover the truth but you will survive it and become stronger than you ever were before.  YOu now know the truth and what lies still exist will slowly surface and you can challenge them. 

 

Think of this as a rite of passage into wisdom not the end of all things that you know.  I believe that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.  Could you have handled the truth a year ago?  or even earlier? 

 

Know that inside yourself you have the strength and power to face what is going on.  Take it slowly and BREATHE.  Talk to your most closest friends about this.  ALlow yourself to voice your hurt and pain. It may take a while to work thru the emotions and the hurt.  But you are strong and a power person in your own right.

 
July 27, 2005, 10:34 am CDT

Wow, a mom like mine!

Quote From: blgspc

I traveled down to the beach, to once again meet with the contractor/developer working on the house I am having built near my parents. This time I asked my father to accompany me to the meeting. I did that for several reasons. My father, a retired Accountant, NEEDED to GET OUT/away from my mother. He also, knows so many people around that beach and lastly he knows how to navigate business agreements far better than I EVER will. My mother DID NOT like my asking him to come one BIT!

Upon return to my parents home, my mother was still brooding. She leveled a mean glare at me and said, “I got some good stuff for that frizzy, dry, fly-away hair! Don’t let me forget to give it to you before you go!”

I responded with, “Well, thank you, Mother! Dusty Kitty (my cat) will so appreciate that you thought of her! Ya know, she spends half of her day preening herself and, bless her heart, half the time her coat still looks like and unmade bed, until I brush her out.” My mother just huffed, sneered and rolled her eyes.

She then began to ramble in an angry tone covering about 15 topics in about 10 minutes. Then out of the clear blue, she said, “ Seems strange… you bein’ a professional, having a job, a good one ,too… People seems to think something of you, too… You livin’ away from home for a long time, now.”

I was stumped. So I ventured with, “Well, Mother, you know, Linda and I have been adults for some time, now. Decades, in fact…”

She just shrugged and sighed saying, “Yeah..I reckon we just never expected ya’ll to amount to much….”

As my father shout at her and chastised her for her comment it suddenly dawned on me that this woman’s life-long distain for her children is linked -I believe- to her seeing us as nothing more than extensions of herself!! For the first time in my Whole life I realized that! I got it! (As Dr. Phil would say.) She has no self esteem, very poor self concept. Her narcissism is learned behavior and served as a survival mechanism in dealing with her own narcissistic mother.

How I have spent my entire life dealing with this woman and missing something THAT central, I don’t know!

It was a real ‘Well, Dah!!!’ moment for me! WOW!

Had to tell someone other than my twin sister, who responded with ”Who Cares!!” It does matter though, in more clearly understanding the way she relates.

Thanks for letting me bend your ear, again!

Brenda

Brenda, the AHA moment you experienced was because for the first time in your life you were the adult and was able to open your heart and allow yourself to stop judging her or defending yourself.

 

I understand where you are coming from.  My mother is very much like your's.  I was raised to be her "slave when she got old and sick".  That's how she raised my niece as well.  We were never expected to have or do anything but be dependent on her.  It's the way she was raised and I understand it quite well - but I'm not her victim anymore.

 

For me, I could not stand up to her because I was so afraid to lose her until I realized that my whole life style was about her and not me.  Now it's about me.

 

Now that you understand her better, wait til you hear the tapes that run thru her head.  the one that floored me was:  You are the most unhealithiest person I know.  I'm 52 years old, I'm fat and I have hyperthyroidism which I feel is due to my menopause (they started on the same month).  The truth is of the 6 kids, I'm the only one who doesn't have diabetes, or breathing problems, or high blood pressure or whatever!  When I heard this I was so shocked by it that I realized that I had taken her tape and made it my own.  Now, I'm working hard to rewrite that tape and accept the fact that I'm healthy and by taking whatever measures I need to lose weight and work thru whatever stress I have due to going thru menopause, I am going to live a very healthy long life.

 

I can't wait for you to tell us the other AHAs ...  cause they don't hurt anymore - they are just tapes that you have listened to and now are able to challenge them.  Isn't it neat to be an adult at long last!

 

Marcia

 
July 27, 2005, 10:50 am CDT

Don't let your fear stand in your way

Quote From: ladycat

I am 69 years old and have spent almost my entire adult life wondering where I fit, in this life. I am never comfortable in social situations particularly with people that I know.  Put me in a room of more acquaintances than strangers  and it is the loneliest  place to be. Even when the event is with immediate family it can be very lonely. I just do not seem to belong.

 

I began "Self Matters" a year ago and got to the ages 13-20 chapter. I am trying to pick it up again. Just writing this is quite a challenge, it's as if I am afraid to find out what is in my past that could be frightening or upsetting.

 

I am an only child and spent most of my life with adults; high school graduate, married 50 years Oct 05, 4 children, 10 grandchildren, 10 great-grandchildren. Have been active and still active in many organizations not only as a member but also as an officer. It is also very difficult for me to complete projects; I will become very anxious, easier to put aside but then I continually worry.

 

Anyone there with suggestions?

I too found the first half of the book very very painful. But I stuck it out because somewhere in the beginning a couple of things registered in my head.

  1. That in a year's time I will either be in the same place (unhappy and living a unfulfilling life) or I will have moved on to finding peace within my heart and soul.
  2. That if I have painful memories, that means they are still running my life and until I face that pain and bring closure at long last, I will never be at peace.

When I did SELF MATTERS, what I discovered was that I was traumized at 8 years old.  It was the 1st time I had ever ever experienced a major life event that lasted for nearly a year.

 

It started the day before Easter when my sister got hit by a car and nearly died. Later, I joined a dance school which is my soul and 1 day the teacher said I was terrible and then I never went back (I thought I had been thrown out of school because I was so bad) and then that summer I was molested by 2 neighborhood teenage boys and then we had to move and then move again.  What made it worse was that at Sunday School I was told:  Bad things happen to evil people.  I took that as my truth.

 

The reality was:  My parents had to sell the house to pay the medical bills and I didn't go back to dance school because of the bills not because I was a terrible dancer!  When I moved the 1st school, I lost my friends and I was placed into a public school system where I was more advanced in Math than they were.  With learning difficulites, I got lost and never felt comfortable doing addition or subtraction.  And what that woman should have said was:  Bad things happen to good people by bad people.

 

When I realized all that had happened to me - I was so shocked by it.  No wonder I was screwed up!  If I hadn't been molested, I still would have been screwed up! 

 

Don't be afraid of what you will discover.  If you are still living in your past and those memories are still painful, then it's controlling how you live.

 

I have never been so peaceful or comfortable in my life.  It's like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Also know that once you have completed Self Matters, you can be a teacher to your children in  a way that will help them all adjust to life events better.

 

The 2nd half of the book is fabulous.  I choose to tackle a long time dream of learning to sew because I knew that I had some really negative tapes going on.  But it was a goal that I could easily sit down and write what I needed to do/learn/practice.  It helped me to adopt the tools into my every day life.

 

I would also suggest that if you get so anxious, maybe you should try meditation or BREATHING techniques to help you thru those periods.  I used Dr. Lawlis' WT LOSS cd's - I got one of the earliest sets so I was able to play it when I went to bed at night.  It was so cool!  He tells you that you are a wonderful person and that you deserve the very very best.  It was so amazing - I actually became addicted to them - especially the 1st one -- cause never before had I been told that I was a good person. 

 
July 27, 2005, 11:02 am CDT

Yes Brenda, I have rewritten my life

Quote From: blgspc

WOW! You SURE you were relaxing?!? Sounds like you re-built your life! Which sounds like a good thing to sift through your home and your life and make choices that make your life more full and enjoyable!

 

I am always so impressed with someone like yourself. Outlining and defining exactly what is needed and WHY.

 

I think that so many people don't stop and fully examine the 'Why' and as a result pursue costly things that were appealing in their 20's and 30's.

 

I, also, wish that I had your organizational skills! I have ALWAYS lacked that. I appreciate your sitting down and listing what helped you during that time of transition!!!!

 

Thanks, again! Cause while I may be feeling cocky, now, I too have always worked. I can't imagine NOT working. So... If you should find me on this board in the months to come trying to locate an inexpensive buy of Cyanide or Stricnine you'll know that things didn't go exactly as planned! Ha!

Thanks again, Brenda:-)

 

 

How right you are about me rewriting my life.  When I realized that no matter what I did or how I did, I couldn't break lose from the awful victimized life style that I had written at work.  I choose to do something so totally different because I couldn't change things or people.  It was Dr. Phil's words regarding SABOTUERS in Self Matters that I had to spend time on.  He wrote that there were people who were jealous and if they were in power, I could never get pass them.  ANd he was soooo RIGHT! 

 

My organizational skills are a quirk that I have.  Ever since I was 5 years old (my earliest memory), I have always tore things apart and rebuilt them.  Luckily for me, Self Matters comes with a workbook which enabled to focus my energy on.  It's really about your learning style. 

 

For me, with over 20 years of schooling - I do well with homework assignments.  So if you ask questions, I will answer them.  It's hard isn't it when you are so afraid to be truthful to yourself because you will be shamed or humiliated or embarrassed.

 

But when I watch Dr. Phil and see those folks sitting with truths more horrendous than mine, I figure hey, I can tell folks everything and anything cause when I hide it, it owns me.

 

You don't have to work!  My mom goes to the neighborhood Senior Citizen group.  She gets there early to help put together the Meals-on-Wheels lunches.  She serves to the others (she's 72 now).  She goes to MARCs to purchase little items for their bingo games and picks up their coffee and all sorts of stuff.  She's a volunteer.

 

In Cleveland, the newspaper has a weekly column looking for volunteers.  Another woman I grew up with works as a teacher's aide (as a volunteer) and goes to the school about 3 days a week.

 

You don't have to WORK -- you just need to discover who you are.  What you have always wanted to do.  I figure my 7 months off is my vacation from life.  I knew my life wasn't right and when I did Self Matters, I realized that there was NOTHING I wanted to be or advanced to there.  My heart was some place else.  Luckily, I met the qualifications for an early retirement - it took 6% of my retirement to do it.  But, I've finally figured out I could be a Technical Writer.  It's what I did when I worked -- I enjoy writing processes & procedures & developing tools, forms to do work.  I've trained myself and I plan on going to the local college and get a certificate now.  That's my next career.

 
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